Is it wrong to hope someone dies?

Belle, please forgive my ignorance of your situation, or if my question is inappropriate. If your mother lives with you, can you set some limits around her smoking that would make your life more bearable? For example, that she can only smoke outside the house, on a porch, or patio?
I'm very aware that she will pitch a fit, but if you are feeling that your home is not your home, and your health is being negatively affected, would setting some boundaries give you any sense of control?
She will be coming home from the hospital after a lung-related condition, so it might be a natural time to "change the rules". I also wonder if she has oxygen in her room....another valid reason to limit her smoking to outside areas. Perhaps setting limits like that might also lessen the amount she smokes, simply because it will be an inconvenience.
When she argues, you can be a 'broken record', not fighting back, just restating the new rules and telling her that ciggies in the house will be confiscated and destroyed, or whatever consequence works for you.
I apologize if you have tried these things...there's nothing worse than a stranger attempting to offer solutions to problems that you have been living with for years. On the other hand, sometimes fresh eyes can see things that we are too close to see. As caregivers, I think we lose our sense of ourselves after a while and forget that we have a right to fresh air, a peaceful living environment, time to ourselves.
take care, bandit

My dad who was 54 died at home as he refused to go to the hospital or hospice. He was in a coma for about a month & my mother here in Florida did not tell us until he died. We had come down from Mich. for Christmas 1980 & he died Feb. 5, 1981. Sometimes they want to stay home where they feel comfortable & that's ok if the person handling their care can deal with it. I know I probably will do the same for my 83 year old husband. Sometimes you just have to do what they want as most times they are ready to move on. Hope it works out for both you & your mother.

NNY I am so sorry to hear about your mom. My sincere condolences to you. I hope that you will soon find peace in your life once agan. I am in your shoes as well as mom passed aways 2 weeks ago. Right now, you are busy I'm sure with relatives and the arrangements. Afterwards, you may be lost for awhile. It's okay and natural I hear. I am just starting to adjust a little bit. God bless you.

NNY: My condolences to you and your husband. God's blessing to you all and especially your dear mother. Love and Hugs, Cattails.

Beekybird...I went through the same issues with my mom. Don't argue back, not worth it. The more I denied "having a boyfriend", the angry she got so asked if he was cute & did a thumbs up when she said yes. She dropped it. May you have strength each day ....

I relate to your question. I am lucky to have had a wonderful caring mother up until dementia took away a lot of what she used to be. Now she picks her face bloody, constantly complains and argues with me and directs her anger toward me. I wish she would leave us and go to be with Dad who died 11 months ago. With him is where she really wants to be. I know he's waiting for her.

I am both saddened & relieved to say that my mother had passed away on April 30th. I was with her until the end. She was on dialysis for over 2 years until stopped her treatments after fracturing her hip on Friday, April 13th. It was much too painful to sit to get her treatments done. It was hard to say goodbye but I know she is without pain & finally has her mind at peace after struggling with the onset of early dementia. I'm alittle lost right now. Feeling overwhelmed with all this free time & not being responsible for someone who was literally attached to my hip. Getting to spend time & getting to know my hubby again. He has been supporting & loved mom as his own mom. Love to all of you who have the hardest job. RIP Mom...I will treasure the time we had & thank you for giving me my life back. I will always love you.

I was discussing these issues with my aunt and asking her how long my mom would last and she said I take such good care of her, there's no telling, since she's never around any germs, never even gets a cold! But the "eating" thing might be what will finally cause her body to give up. But as Ohiodaughter says, as long as she eats just enough to sustain life, then on it goes.

We also have the "comfort care only" directive (DNR)and have gone so far as to instruct the nurses aides and staff at the dementia care unit that we do NOT want anyone hand-feeding our mom, force feeding her, or EVEN encouraging her to eat. I think we are maybe the ONLY family there out of 24 who have this given them these instructions. They must think we are barbarians. However, our mom keeps nibbling on applesauce, jello, and M & M's...enough to "sustain life" for God knows how long. Until she falls, gets pneumonia, has a heart attack, etc. the DNR is useless also. If I was a rich person I would be trucking back to my home as soon as I was done typing here and hire nurses so that my husband and I could still have some sort of a life. (with 2 brothers there is not much help in the personal care department so they would never take her for "respite" time for me..I just want her misery to be over. Last night she told me she hates her new high school and is going to quit school and stay home. She has been there for 4 months now and has no clue where or who she is. This is not LIFE..

Barb: In all truth, I think you are far better than me. What you went through with your mom living with you, all the years/months of her losing her mind. All the tears for the loss of the mom you loved, long before she passed. You leave me in the dust. I don't think I could have done what you did. You are such an amazing child of God. I'm just privileged to know you. I love you, love you, love you. Cattails.

Barb: That's exactly how I feel about you. Love and Hugs, Cattails.

cattails you are really a wonderful caretaker. Your dad is blessed to have you. I've been talking to you for many months now and you can just feel the "goodness" in you. Hugs

Ohiodaughter--My mom is still at home living with me, has AD and going downhill fast. She barely eats and I don't make her eat much. I was relieved to read your post saying what you would have done to keep your mom "out of the system". If my mom stops wanting to eat I will let that happen and won't call doctors, etc. I don't want her to end up in a nursing home, that's for sure. I'm so sorry for your situation and your feeling helpless to do anything. If the person does not want to eat then you are not depriving them, just following their wishes. Bhenson, your last post is helpful too. All of you, my heart goes out to you.

Ohiodaughter: I am very sorry for all that you and your family are going through. I'd want the exact same thing that you expressed. I have my dad at home. He has some vascular dementia due to stroke, but nothing like what AZ people suffer. He'll be 90 this September. He's getting weaker, less engaged. Sometimes I wish I could place him in a NH because I'm just tired. The follow up thought to that is always the horror of him living in a NH for years, sitting in a wheel chair, asleep, with his head hanging down and a staff of professionals keeping him going.

I have a new directive called Physician Orders for Life-Sustaining Treatment and it calls for "comfort care" only which has been signed by me and his doctor. It provides instructions to EMT's and hospital staff. No feeding tube, limited use antibiotics (Ok to use for UTI, but not for pneumonia), etc.

We all do our best to take care of our parents and ease their suffering. I have no idea what will come for my dad, but I pray everyday that he passes away here and I hope it is soon.

What you are going through is so painful. I'm so sorry for your mom and your family. Hugs, Cattails

Ohio daughter, yes there is calm and to be honest, I think people might wonder why I am not crying so much. It's because I did all my grieving when she was in the nursing home. I lost her long ago and outsiders don't see that. After she died, I still felt like I lost my mom for good. I don 't know how to explain it. I knew her mind would never come back but while she's alive, there is that weird little hope or thought in your brain. When she died, I didn't even have that and yes, I do feel more alone now. I visited her 3x a day. I'm lost now to be honest. Have to start life again but it's only 2 weeks and my depression is still getting a hold of me at times. I wish you well and hope that your mom doesn't suffer much longer. whatever she says to you, well...it's not her. Don't take anything to heart that she does say. Hugs to you

Bhenson, i am sorry for your loss. I don't even know you and I have tears in my eyes. It is such a hard cruel path they have to go down to find peace. To go back to the original topic of this thread--- I DO and my 2 brothers DO - in no uncertain terms pray for our mother's misery to end. We lost our mother 8 months ago when her brain no longer allowed her to be who she is/was. You now have peace of mind knowing that you did all that you could and you were there for her every step of the way. Hope you are doing well and finding some calm now.

Ohio daughter, you are where I was very very recently. Would have, should have. I too learned that once the doctors and hospitals get their hands on mom, I had little say and yes, as long as she continues to eat, there is nothing you can do unfortunately. I too watched as my mom faded into someone who I didn''t know. Unfortunately, I allowed a feeding tube right after a fall. At the time, mom was mentally very competant and I wanted to do everything I could for her. That was SUCH a mistake but..it was what I thought was best at the time. It is not in any way easy to watch your mom go downhill and I can sincerely empathize with you about the eating. Just because she's eating does NOT mean she is ok. I too had to deal with that in the beginning when mom could eat jello etc. I think the hardest part of caretaking is in the end when we feel helpless to do what we promised our loved ones we would do. At some point, we have to realize that we did all we could within our power and hope that our mom's know that. I cannot tell you how sincerely sorry I am that you are going through this as I just did myself. Mom passed away 2 weeks ago.

I would have kept her at home with me and "let" her refuse to eat and/or "forget how to eat" as she was doing 6 months ago. I would have called in Hospice and let her pass away from dehydration or malnutrition in my home, in her room, with her family that she knew and loved, and in peace. I would not have taken her to :hospital---- then nursing home --- then psychiatric ward-----then memory care assisted living where she is now....crying all day, shaking all day, drugged up, and EATING because she is like a small child who thinks if she doesn't eat for these strangers (who by the way she thinks have BOUGHT her...) she will be in some kind of trouble or she feels she is being rude or "bad". Does that answer your question? Now...once in this "system" there are no options or choices for her.She's stuck in a horrific "Groundhog Day" life existing on applesauce and jello.

Ohiodaughter: What decisions would you have made for your mom.

I have all documents known to man from my mother when she was in a position to sign them...medical power of attorney, living will, financial power of attorney...you name it....useless......as long as she continues to feed herself. I don't know what is meant by "directive" but I have a form drawn up by an attorney for my mother years ago stating that if she is not of sound mind her daughter can make medical decisions for her. Here it is called medical power of attorney.

I'm not clear on what I need to do to handle my husbands & mothers medical, bank accounts etc. I think I need to be on her bank account but what about medical decisions? Neither has a will at this time.

cattails, I cannot agree more. The POA has nothing to do with the health care directives. That is a totally different thing. Just as an FYI to everyone, I just found out after mom died that the POA dies with her. I could not touch her bank accounts once I made the mistake of telling them that she had died. POA ends upon death and the Living Will is completely different than the POA. Also, only the first person listed on the Living Will can make decisions unless that person gives up the right or cannot be found. Believe me, I learned the hard way.

Ohiodaughter: I believe I was the one who asked, but it was not about the POA. There are legal documents that allow us to speak for our loved ones who can no longer speak for themselves and allow us to see that their wishes are honored. A POA is not such a document. I asked if her health care directive listed you as some one who could speak on her behalf.

I think this is an important issue to discuss. I have POA for my dad. It allows me to sign for him, gives me permission to handle financial and other issues, but it does not allow me to speak for him in a medical situation.

You can obtain a health care directive that specifically gives you the authority to make medical decisions for one who is not able to do so for themselves. I asked if you had that because it's important that people realize how tricky the issues can be and what is necessary.

Yes to the POA question. Why do you ask? It's a useless piece of paper as long as a person is putting food into their mouths.

My Mother is a lot like your Mother ,with the same illness' and behaivors. I'm pretty sure that I can blame her problems on the mental health medication(s) she's been on for the last 40 years. Damaged her brain. Ruined her Health. The medications have caused her years of "living hell" for both her and myself. Nobody can fix her damaged brain. It just ruined her life. All I can do is just give the best care that I can and the care that she'll allow. It sounds like you're taking excellent care of your Mother, even if she refuses all the care that could be given. Don't expect her to let you know she appreciates what you're doing for her because her brain is damaged. Don't feel guilty that she isn't making good choices because the medicine is the guilty culprit. Be mad at the medicine. Put your Mother as "second fiddle," and don't let her damage have an impact on you.

OD: Does her medical directive specifically name you as someone to make health and end of life decisions on her behalf?

I have POA---- and----her "medical directives" could not be any clearer----and--- both of my brothers and I agree on everything and we still cannot be advocates for our mother's wishes.

Jrcats: BHenson's mom lived with her too and she knew everything he mom wanted at the end of her life because they were extremely close. Due to an oversight, however, the Advanced Care Directive was not taken out of the brothers name. The brother was out of state too. He went against everything the BH mom wanted and the result was it prolonged her suffering.

Make sure you have a POA for your mom and a clear medical directive that gives you the right to speak for her when she can no longer speak for herself. Just knowing what she wants isn't good enough.

Make the best of those weekends. Cattails

Regarding my mothers slight dementia I am the oldest of 4 (all live in other states) & I get along with my mother the best. I know what she likes & wants when she dies so I have no problem with her wants. I see it as a challenge & she will help around the house (she loves to garden & do housework).

Well I told my husband that the weekend is "my time". Last nite I made 10 ramekins of pineapple upside down cake for my hubby plus over 100 different size dog bisquits & 2 different type of cookies for my mother for Mothers Day which I made into little poodles. Today its 5 bins of yard leaves with the radio on & its not too hot out. Maybe weekends will help me get out of my "funk". Thanks for everyone's tips & ideas. With all his meds & dr. visits etc. its beyond our cost to have someone come in & I doubt he would like it. We had a nurse come in last fall 3 x week for his foot ulcer & he wasn't too happy about it.