Is it wrong to hope someone dies?

Regarding my mothers slight dementia I am the oldest of 4 (all live in other states) & I get along with my mother the best. I know what she likes & wants when she dies so I have no problem with her wants. I see it as a challenge & she will help around the house (she loves to garden & do housework).

Well I told my husband that the weekend is "my time". Last nite I made 10 ramekins of pineapple upside down cake for my hubby plus over 100 different size dog bisquits & 2 different type of cookies for my mother for Mothers Day which I made into little poodles. Today its 5 bins of yard leaves with the radio on & its not too hot out. Maybe weekends will help me get out of my "funk". Thanks for everyone's tips & ideas. With all his meds & dr. visits etc. its beyond our cost to have someone come in & I doubt he would like it. We had a nurse come in last fall 3 x week for his foot ulcer & he wasn't too happy about it.

I have to somewhat agree with you jrcats. My mom had an advanced directive naming my brother to do what she wanted. My brother did everything EXACTLY the opposite of what she wanted and the nursing home and doctor just went right along with it. Maybe they had to but...a living will seems worthless to me as well after this experience. She suffered, was in pain and didn't know who she was or who anyone else was and she was just existing. Something better has to be done because the living will is just a request...it is not legal and doesn't have to be followed which in moms' case it wasn't.

Elderly people suffering from ALZ and/or Dementia have NO rights. Living wills are useless, medical directives are useless. their wishes are ignored, and their mental anguish and torment is chalked up to "depression", and this country needs to start taking a long and hard look at this situation. Modern medicine can keep our bodies alive for many more years than our brains are meant to survive. Wake up America

I live in a small town & all his family live over 1000 miles away. There is a lot of elderly in this area where I see many elderly still walking without any help. I guess I'm mad that my husband didn't take care of himself so that he wouldn't be in the shape he is today. My 86 year old mother loves to garden, is able to take care of herself except she is unable to drive due to eye problems. She will be a great help when she moves in with us in July. Its better than having her call me from out of state all the time crying because my sister stole clothes etc. from her & I can watch her better here with her minor dementia. She once lived in this area & my dad is buried in the next county so we can visit there.
I know that my problems with my husband will lessen once the trips (18 more) down for the hyperbaric chamber will be finished. The best doctors are 2 counties away which is a pain but I guess they are worth it. He didn't have to use a wheelchair when he did & could have used a walker/cane if needed. I just need to find time for me for a change & I guess that is what I will need to do.

jr: So the last 6 years have been very difficult and I can understand that you are very tired from the stress of care giving and from seeing your husband decline. You married a man who was 18 years older than you and you have been married to him for 32 years. What were the other years like, the first 24. Were they happy? If so, I hope that will bring you some comfort in time.

You never did anything to bring this unhappiness on you, but you did marry a man who was older than you and he is now experiencing age and possibly life style related illness.

Can you afford to get in home help? Is there anyone, children, friends, relatives, to help with the travel and medical appointments. Can he be in respite care for a weekend and give you a break? Is there a caregivers support group you can join, a place to listen to others and share your situation?

I hope the best for you and your husband. You have had a difficult 6 years and I hope you find some peace. Cattails.

Cat, thanks for understanding and that is why I can understand others a little bit. I guess in my mom's mind with her not happy is kind of the same way as some of these with AD and other illnesses. All it seems that we can do sometimes is just pray to give yourself strength and help ease the mind of the person we are caring.

jrcat, 32 years is a very long time to be married and I would try to look at the good times of your marriage that you two had and try not let all this illness bring you down. You are going through a lot with your husband illnesses and only the man above knows when their time is to go upstairs and I'm not sure why he would allow someone to go through such ordeal. Of course, he went through a lot for us too. All we can do is pray and tell him we can only handle so much. Is their anyone else or can you afford Respite Care for your husband in order to get some sort of break. Any family members that can take him back-n-forth at least to the doctor? I hope you are able to get some rest and peace of mind as well for everyone else on this site.

I'm starting to have the same problem with my 83 year old husband. We have been married 32 years & its been nothing but medical problems for the last 6 years. He has fallen with a shattered right shoulder/fx rt. wrist in 2006, supra public catheter in 2009, heart stent, diabetic, now with 2 diabetic ulcers & having a 2 hour hyperbaric oxygen chamber tx 5 x a week with a hour drive one way & he is in a wheelchair. He is unable to walk & in a wheelchair plus needs help with his shower/dressing. I keep wondering what I did in my previous life to have to deal with him on a daily basis & that is why I finally found this site. Looks like a lot of others have the same daily thoughts of "why do they keep suffering" & "what have I done to suffer along with them in trying to keep them alive". I'm only 65 but I'm tired all the time trying to deal with him. I can see where people wish their "loved ones" move on sooner & not later.

Hi Deb: Sorry your mom passed at such an early age. I can understand how hard it is to understand a parent who is just not happy on this earth. I haven't had the experience with my folks, so maybe I can't truly imagine it, but I would think it leaves you feeling at a loss. Why isn't this enough or that enough to engage them in life and all that is good. That they are unhappy, we understand, but why they can't find a reason for joy of life is a mystery. It's just who they are and since we don't walk in their shoes, we really can't fully grasp it.

Your MIL is so fortunate to be in your care. She is blessed to have someone like you who really tries to understand where she is coming from and what you can do to make her feel safe. It will be a long road for you and we will all be here to support you.

Love and Hugs, Cattails.

I think a lot of people really do not know what to say to someone when they have lost a love one from such a devastating disease such as AD for they do not fully understand what AD is all about. However, they do mean well and I take that into consideration. On the otherhand, I was my mom's guardian except she didn't have AD. She was depressed, couldn't drive, alcholoic and a chain smoker with type 2 diabetes. I have to admit I felt releived from the extra care and worrying and in a way felt sad for losing my mom at earlier age of 58 due to heart attack but, I also know that she was not happy on this Earth. In a way I can understand but not fully just yet for now, I am caring for my mnl. She was diagnosed with AD two years ago and it has been a total different experience and she is a fire-cracker and has always been that way. So, is seems my journey has just begun. I just wished other people understood more about AD and Dementia.

This sounds like it might have been written by me. My mother moved in with me and pretty much took over and criticized the way I dressed, the way I cleaned house, my weight and my TV service--but took over the TV. She was very unhappy and very miserable and didn't have a quality of life. Her death was not as devastating as watching her deterioration.

After my previous post, I went to visit the dementia care unit at an assisted living facility, thinking this would be the next step. Yikes! It was awful--so depressing and I couldn't imagine putting my mother in one of those places. I can't bring myself to hire an in-home aide either because I know it would be such a hard adjustment for both me and my mom. So I'm left with all the conflicting feelings of
wanting her to die peacefully and knowing how devastated I will be when that happens. The thing with Alz. is that the patient just keeps going downhill for so long and getting worse and it goes on and on. Each day I wonder if I can do it another day. So far I'm doing it.

Bhenson, I'm so sorry. I understand that you said your goodbyes years ago - so did I. So many tears then. I pray that the good memories from before will replace the difficulties of the recent past. It sounds like you were a caring daughter.

Wow Elizabethgrace you are sooo on target. Unfortunately, my mom died a week ago yesterday but..I was in this position. People say the dumbest things thinking that it's comforting. I hardly cried when mom died last week. Why? Because I lost her a long time ago to dementia and illness. For the last month she hardly knew me and couldn't speak. It's also hard when people say she's better off now...she would have been better off without dementia! Such a fine line but I do not judge ANYONE for wanting their parent to pass away gently. It's so hard for us to see them this way and even harder to care for them. It drains you so that when the time comes...I think you're almost at peace with it. I cried enough when she was alive. I came to terms with it then...I haven't cried too much since the funeral. I had said my goodbyes and given all my love to her long before this. Even if your loved one is a pain in the butt, I think they know that too but they are scared. This was such a learning and loving experience for me. I was the same wishing it would be over. Then it is...faster than you thought.
Many hugs and good wishes. We all understand completely.

BelleFleur, I understand. Your experience with your mom sounds like what we had with my father. I'm not sure there was a tear shed at his funeral; we were just all worn out by the time he died. Now I have responsibility for my mother who has dementia and a long history of mental illness. Whenever some well-meaning person says to me, "Well, just be thankful you still have your mother!" I am left speechless. No one who has walked this path ever says anything like that. They're the ones that say, "Bless your heart". I don't still have my mother. I have this stranger whose life is confusing and hard and frightening to her. And people like that make life hard for others.

Stormy & Mame, I am so sorry that both of you are going through a hard and sound like stressed out, overly worked care-giver. I hope you both find some sort of peace while you two are still caring for your relatives. Mine has just begun and I will be following some of y'alls footsteps as my mnl AD progresses. I was told that the Lord will not give you more than you can handle. However, I think sometimes you have to pray and let him know your plate is runnith over and you cannot take it. I will say a prayer for both of y'all to help give you both strength and some sort of peace.
Stormy, I would think if he keeps coughing consistantly that is stomach is going to get very sore. Is there anything is dr. can prescribe for him that would help and it might help give you a peace to your ears? I wish I could help you two but all I can do is say a prayer or two. I hope y'all get some peace.

Wow-I am not sure I feel better knowing I am not alone, or worse for all of us! I love my mom and our relationship is wonderful. But I too am just so tired and see no way out of this. Some days when she is having a particularly bad day-and she says out lout-"I don't want to live this way anymore" I have told her that if the angels come to take her-that we will be ok if she goes. I honestly do not know what is keeping her here. She has come back from the brink of death soooo many times! I feel so selfish wishing that this would all be over and I know I will miss her but I am soooo tired! I try to reason with God-that she is in pain and this is no quality of life so why not take her? And then I feel sheepish and think-really it is for selfish me and God knows it! We never thought she would even make the move to our house and here we are 8 years later! People say it is all the good care she gets! Shouldn't that make me happy? UGH.

I am so tired of the excessive coughing from dads trach I COULD SCREAM!!!
When will it ever end? I feel like every time he coughs i have to go and walk around there and check on him. It drives me crazy. I just want him to go to sleep and stay that way til i leave. He is such a burden to me and my sister. I dread so much coming over here. He is coughing gotta go again. hugs stormyyyy

Hi Guys: Just a few not so funny comments, but they are funny is a sad way. My dad lives with us. He had a major stoke last July (not his first), and we do everything for him. He can eat on his own, but the rest is up to us. He will be 90 this September. In his younger days there was no way he wanted to live like this, but now he is perfectly fine, sitting in his recliner, eating his 3 meals per day, having us do everything for him. He does not want to stop taking his medications and let nature take it's course. I'm 63 and I love my dad, but I'm watching the clock tick away the years of my life (I've had him for 6 1/2 years) and I don't think he has a clue to the burden he puts on us. It's just not even on his radar. He's a happy camper even if he is living no life at all. Cattails

No LOL I'm not angry either. At least not today.
Most days I live with feelings of hopeless resignation.
I had hoped for some time to enjoy my own life again
But she may very well out live me.

Stormy, Magdelena, and others. I wish it for my mother too. Not in anger, but because, although she is quite well in many ways, her life becomes more and more of a burden to her and others. That brings worry to her and others about how she will cope, where she will be best off if she cannot manage where she is now, concern about increasing health issues, financial resources and so on. I think it is is only natural when a person has reached a certain age/stage.

I wish for it every day.
There, I said it.

Catch- I know what you mean. Things were so bad last summer all i felt all the time was rage, so much rage that it scared me that i was going to hurt someone or myself. Life was so unbearable at that time and somedays i still feel that way but not as bad. The antidepressants i am on now help alot, but I still wish that I could have a normal life again. hugs stormyy

These posts are all so sad and yet I am right there with you. My mother is a dear,
but I am so ready for her to go, somewhere other than at home where I am the only caregiver. I will be devastated when she dies yet I feel like I cannot go on another day caring for her. Alzheimer's is the worst kind of hell, and some of you are dealing with that and other serious health issues. How do we caregivers keep going without taking our own lives?

I feel the same way at times...because I'm exhausted & want my life back after 3 years of straight 24/7 caregiving except for 4 nights off (separately thru the 3 yrs). Mom has diabetes, liver disease & is a Dialysis patient who now is suffering from dementia. She's in pain & miserable but scared of death so she won't stop Dialysis. I pray for her just to pass peacefully in her sleep. Then I have friends who lost their parents & are devastated, which makes me feel guilty thinking that they are lucky.

Opalfaye: I think you are on the right track getting a hold of your mom's doc. You need to seriously get his attention. Don't give up on that. Hold the docs feet to the fire and tell him your mom is making your dad's life a living hell. He will die sooner if she is free to rant and scream. She need some meds. Follow up. Hugs, Cattails.

I feel exactly the same. My mother yells and makes life miserable for all of us trying to help her. My dad is 92 she is 87. He had three heart attacks and requires assisted living. She is ok. Ever since he moved to assisted living she has been angry that she had to go too. She did not had to go but went with dad anyway. She yelled so much today i actually called her doctor to please check her for anxiety and depression. She seems almost bipolar to me. I feel like i am in a no win situation no matter how hard i try it is never enough! I feel sometimes she needs to go through what dad did and see how hard it is to recouperete. It is sad that i want her to be sick but she doesn't understand how blessed she is to have all this family wanting to help I hope she gets better before dad passes as she will be even angrier alone. Just take it a day at a time and do deep breathing exercises.

I sure hope not because i have been feeling this way for awhile now about my dad. It is me and my sister staying with dad. I stay during the day and she stays at night. I am so tired of going over to that house i could scream. And that was the house i grew up in and i used to love it and now i hate it. I just feel resentment and anger when i go over there. I want my life back and dad dying is the only way that will happen. I know this must sound cruel and i never thought in a million years that i would feel this way but i do. I never wanted to feel this way. It makes me feel so guilty. But yet i still wish for it to happen. And i think all i will feel is relief that it is finally over. I hate to even think about how long this will drag out. If he had alz or dementia i think it would be easier cause then we could put him in a nursing home and he wouldn't know anything about it. I feel like this caregiving has changed me and not for the better. I used to be happy and now the only time i am happy is when i am leaving his house and when i am at home with my own family. I am miserable over there at dads. Lord forgive me for my feelings, but i just can't help it or change it i wish i could. It is tearing my family apart and my sister and husbands relationship. I just hope all of us are strong enough to get through this. Hugs stormyyy

Well, Dennis, when do you ever get a weekend off with your partner? I would suggest that you stop the weekend visits for a couple of months and see if she adjusts. Maybe some medication to deal with her behavior is in order. I'm not recommending that she be put into a drugged stupor, but many people with dementia benefit for medication to ease their anger and anxiety. Biting, scratching, kicking, spiting and cursing are symptoms I would want to address with a geriatric specialist. Whether it is dementia, manipulation or a combination of both, it should be addressed. Best wishes, Cattails.

Yes, I have been. The people at the home tell me she is a totally different person there when she knows she will be going home on Friday for the weekend. For quite some time she was a real shrew, literally, biting, scratching, kicking, spiting, cursing. Now that I've been taking her home on the weekends, she is civil, social, and really quite sweet (according to them) during the week. It's only that on Sunday nights when I'm getting ready to take her back that she continues to act the shrew with me.