Is it wrong to hope someone dies?

Just to be clear---for those of you, like myself, have the most wonderful, kind, loving, caring, gentle, proud mother in the world------my mother is an angel and i still pray she passes waway ever night......to end her torment.

Belle
I cant believe how much we have in common. I have a narcissistic mother who has also destroyed herself physically and the lives of our family. And I'm stuck alone taking care of her. Like you I'm angry as hell, and have struggled with how to take care of someone with alzheimer's, lung cancer, nerve damage when I CANT STAND them. It's uncomfortable all the time for me. I have to strike this delicate balance between making sure her needs are met but also maintaining a distance so she cant suck me into her narcissistic swamp. Keep in touch- I haven't run into someone with a situation so similar to mine!

My mother begs me all day every day to die. Last night I tucked her into bed and said "I love you" and she said "No you don't, you wouldn't let me live like this." I am sooooo tired of hearing people tell me I should call "Hospice" when Hospice is useless unless your loved one has been documented to have a "life-ending illness within 3-6 months". Dementia is "the disease that keeps on giving" for YEARS. I pray every day my mother has a heart attack or a massive stroke. My mother's condition is treated with "eat, smile, oh how nice your hair looks, let's do your nails" when in reality a normal person would not watch their family PET live like this for more than a few hours before rushing it to the vet. WHY does our medical nation not address this misery???

Oh, I'm VERY angry at her. I wonder if I'm going to end up like her--with every health problem known to man because of HER second hand cigarette smoke. She's not the only one suffering, though; she brings misery to others with her miserable disposition and constant whining.

Belle, your feeling are your feelings and nothing can change that, it's just a fact. However, it sounds to an outsider like me, that what you are saying is that you're mad at your mother. You're mad that she has brought this whole thing on herself. You're mad that she's not doing anything about it, now that she HAS brought this whole thing on herself. And you're just plain mad at the whole ridiculous thing in the first place. If that's the case, I get it. I also understand the double edge sword idea too. I understand how you can wish someone would die, but at the same time feel bad that you think that in the first place, it's a terrible place to be. But unless a person is planning to actually put a pillow over someone's face, I don't see anything wrong with thinking that they just wish it was 'over' whenever/however that may be. But until it IS finally 'over', for your own sanity you'd probably better check the anger at the door, cause she's brought this on herself, and she's the one suffering until death.

Don't feel guilty. Your are human and thoughts are only thoughts. Accepting that your mom won't ever change, that she has a mental illness along with her physical illnesses, and that you can do nothing to make things different is excellent. Try to get support from friends and learn to detach from your mother's "button pushing" behavior. Some counseling may be in order, not because you wish she'd just "go and let everyone have some peace," but because she's got to have done a great deal of emotional damage to you and others. My heart goes out to you. Thanks for checking in and please feel free to vent on this site. You'll find that you aren't alone.
Take care of yourself,
Carol

((((Belle)))) - a difficult question in some ways, and not in others, Having a narcissistic mother, with Borderline Personality Disorder, who will be 100 in May and is very healthy, I have some sympathy for you. In my case, I wonder how long my mother will go on, with her misery-spreading ways, as she is physically healthy. In the case of your mother, obviously she has many physical health issues as well as the narcissism. Mother had severe pain a few years ago which has cleared up, and she was suicidal then, and wanted to go. One could only hope for the end of the pain somehow - other than suicide. Honestly, Belle, I don't think it is wrong to wish to be rid of the burden - for your mum to be rid of the pain, and discomfort of her conditions, for you to be rid of the fallout. My question then is "Does allowing ourselves that hope/wish affect our interactions with our mums.?" At various times over the years, I have looked forward to the time in my life when I would not have the problem of mother's mental illness to deal with, in the same way I looked forward to moving out of my parent's house when I was young, I know it is not the "norm", and I see people here who grieve the loss of their mothers when they die. I have already grieved the loss of the mother I needed, and never had. I think as long as we still do the job as their daughters there is no problem looking forward to the time when that burden will be lifted - even hoping for it. I think many here, for one reason ro another, have felt that way, if they dare to admit it. The idea of mother being :fine" boggles my mind. She bever has been for more than minutes at a time. ((((Hugs))))). Like many here, you have a tough row to hoe.