Is it wrong to hope someone dies?

Oh boy. I had to do a double take to make sure I didn’t write your post. My mom doesn’t have diabetes, but everything else you listed is spot on.
Addto that neglected financial paperwork, bills, etc., that she refuses to even open let alone address, and we’d have similar moms.

It isn’t wrong to want struggle and suffering to end. Hers, yours, everyone’s. Since her condition isn’t going to improve (it is so frustrating that these people have folks waiting on them hand and foot and STILL won’t lift a finger to better their conditions!), it seems logical to just secretly hope it will all end. I have the same hard thoughts, which are hard because this person was never a mother. Just a person who had kids and was never happy. I hope you can find some peace knowing you aren’t alone.

My soon to be 97 y/o mom moved in w/us after my father passed away 15 or so years ago...in that time we cared for her around the clock... make every meal wash everything, My wife passed from cancer recently and my mom feels she was neglected during the illness. My wife was gone in less than 9 months from diagnoses. I truly have not grieved my wife as mom feels she was neglected. Just venting...thanks.

No, I don't think it is 'wrong' to hope someone dies. Both my M&D are still alive but I sure am hoping Dad goes first because the misery/stress that she'll potentially spread if she is left alone will be ....WOW! I try not to think about it as its a big trigger for me. I fear (working on this) that I'll be asked/expected to stay over if she is left alone as I live the closest and at 82 yrs old, she has NEVER stayed a night alone. The last time I "stayed" at her house (i.e. a period of time) was after my first son was born, albeit 28 yrs ago, I'm still working through the damage to myself from that stay. I WONT stay with her again. I HAVE PROMISED myself to treat myself with more kindness now and will not hurt myself like that EVER again. I have to maintain boundaries now and one of those is not staying with her for long periods of time ever again and it's a HELL no to
" stays" now even if she is left alone. I will do what I can but MY emotional health comes first and I will be unapologetic about that now.

Dysfunction, especially when combined with abuse, does not end once a child reaches adulthood or because the abuser begins to get old. By then, the abusive parent is well-versed in the tactics needed to make their children do what they want, and these behaviors are likely to continue right up until the parents' death unless someone—usually the abused—makes it stop.

you sound like a good person putting up with all of this

It’s not wrong. You just want to see her out of her misery

wow....just wow........
When she is gone...you are going to miss her.
Suck it up buttercup..
She raised your A@# and you don't get to decide to do anything but check the mail.
Unbelievable...
Microphone DROP

Hopefully not because I just wished for it an hour ago, and then googled to find a help group because right now I feel completely helpless. My 85 year old mother lives with me and three years ago I had to quit my job to provide 24/7 care for her. It is destroying my family because I can never go out. If she is left alone at all she starts yelling out the window. The neighborhood kids now stare up. She has a suite on the second floor, she will not come downstairs, she slams her walker on the floor if you don’t immediately answer her screaming down the stairs. She has dementia, is incontenant and an alcoholic. I am an only child so I have no sibling help. I cannot afford a nursing home which is where she belongs. I feel so trapped and watch my life pass by.

I think it’s so hard to watch a terminal person suffer and this is a common feeling among caregivers. My husband has ALS and is always quick to tell me what I’m doing wrong or shaking his head if I make a mistake. I get constant criticism and complaining. If the situation were reversed, I believe he would have put me somewhere. It’s the most difficult thing to be a caregiver, thank God I have many good friends that give me emotional support.

I surely hope it isnt wrong. I think it is honest actually. There is nothing else to bring us all peace. right?

No I don’t think it’s wrong . Not If the care recipient is difficult and displaying aggressive or narcissistic behaviour that is affecting you and your family’s life and mental health.

Hello Fellow travelers-
I am so happy to have found this forum. I found myself becoming more so frustrated reading other forums where adult children were admonishing anyone who would even consider for a NY second placing their "loved one" in a facility of any kind. In none of the posts I read where any peeps didn't have a parent living with them as such.

Well, well- aren't they lucky to have had a supportive mother and or dad all their lives to love them, build them up, be their rock et al. What they seemingly can not reconcile is that there are many who didn't and therefore do not have the same feelings about said parent and where they go when they have always been Narcs and by DSM 5 definition and NOW have dementia. Afterall, your mother brought you into this world....(maybe I should be sending her a Thank you card and flowers?) Yep she did, but mentally and emotionally abused me and sent my very loving and supportive Dad to an early grave at 65 (25 years ago)

She is now 87 years old and has dementia. I have been estranged from her most of my adult life. The two friends she had left, dumped her 20 years ago because they told her that everything was always about HER. That they wanted joy and laughter in their lives, not her complaining and bad mouthing her kids and other friend.

Fortunately she has enough money to move in to a high end facility, but it won't be good enough for her. She doesn't want to be around old people in wheelchairs, walkers or needing other devices. She also isn't interested in being around those with dementia because she doesn't have it. That said, she has a private caregiver 10 hours a day to cook for her because she can't safely use the stove. In fact, if I was to bring her in bags of groceries, she wouldn't know what to do with them. She wouldn't bathe and didn't when I took care of her single handedly for 4 months. # times I got fired and 3 times I quit.

This woman has made my life a living hell all my life and now I even call her and see her maybe once a week. She is a 15 minute walk from me and every day I tell myself 'tomorrow'. I can't stand the woman.

I am feeling so angry and bitter right now. She has destroyed so many people's lives and she is STILL here! She is supposed be going to this residence at the end of the month and I am thinking the worst is yet ahead. She will be a disrupter and maybe kicked out. She truly will not have anywhere to go if she does, or leaves on her own accord. Though I couldn't give a Fat F if she does.

Thanks All.

I have 94 year old parents that I’m
helping to care for. I will miss the parents I loved who are long gone from these bodies. I will grieve these people as they were. What is left now are the empty shells of two people who are miserable because they have no quality of life and every day for them is a monumental task to just get through it. My sisters and I took good care of them for the past ten years but now they are both declining rapidly. So what I finally wish for as a loving daughter is for them both to have good deaths and to finally be free from suffering. I have no guilt expressing this.

Belle, you aren't alone. I am in the same boat and completely understand how you feel. My father is going through almost the exact same thing. He has been in and out of the hospital over 40 times since 2018 and had a stroke in 2015. He hasn't walked for years and forbids to do any type of physical therapy, anymore. He is in a long term nursing home now and I don't even want to go visit him anymore because it is so emotionally draining and frankly, a waste of time because nothing good comes out of it. Both my mom and my brother died young and I am the only one in the family who is handling things. I have felt so much turmoil having to give up a part of my life to have to travel to him (I live and work over an hour away) to visit and do his laundry and have meetings with the nursing staff. I try to stay positive in front of everyone else but it is a problem for me because my father was never really been there for me when I really needed someone. At times, I hate him for being narcassistic, stupid and ignorant.

In any case, I am sorry I don't have any advice. I just wanted to offer my support and let you know that you aren't alone. The way you are feeling is completely normal. I went through the "bereavement" process many times over, since my dad began to go downhill. That was painful...and to have to go through it over and over again every time I go to visit, has literally taken a tool on my health and attitude. I just can't do it anymore!! Thank god he is in a place that can safely take care of him. Now, I am just waiting for him to pass so I can go on with my life.

Many of us have been there. Your feelings are normal. Don't worry about these feelings.

You are exhausted. You have nothing left in your tank, but more is expected, yes demanded, of you. You are struggling to survive. You just want it over.

Your question is "Is it wrong?" Well, maybe it is wrong, but if it is, many of us on this message board have been wrong.

If your conscience still bothers you, get on your knees and ask for forgiveness. Then forgive yourself.

You are never wrong for the way you feel. My mom is not doing well and needs 24/7 care and is getting worse by the month. She’ll decline, stabilizes for a few weeks, then declines some more. She has to be miserable and if she were my cat, I would euthanize her so she didn’t have to suffer anymore. But, I can’t do that, so My sister and I, as well as the nursing staff at her home, do the best we can to lift her spirits and make her as comfortable as possible. You can’t help but feel for them.

Parenting parents gets harder over the years😊. They ( our parents) had the advantage as we were sponges.. ready and willing to soak up all they had to give. The reverse role of caring for an adult.. who is set in their ways and then some… whew!

Set boundaries my friend, find your peace and make friends with it( we know when our peace is disturbed) and when that happens set more boundaries, and remember there are many ways to to assure mom has adequate care without you having to assume the role.

Personally, as a daughter I feel as long as I assure she has care/ assistance then I’ve done my job ( much like when they found baby sitters for us lol). Be creative as possible in doing so ( hire, barter, negotiate, etc… well as far as your means can stretch! And if all else fails maybe it’s time for NH or assisted living..
Happy to hear you husband is progressing 😊
Wishing you the best outcome😊

I totally understand this.

My narcissistic mother is miserable and makes everyone else's life miserable too. Her recent confabulations were mind blowing. She was nice to my face but bad mouthed me an hour later. She does this to everyone.

To me, she died the day she got the formal diagnosis. We never had a loving relationship and never will.

I call dementia a living death. The body keeps going when the mind is gone. Except in the narcissists case, they become meaner and nastier.

So no, I don't think you are wrong.

Mine are just purely selfish reasons. I want my life back. Enough said.

It isn't that you want her gone somehow - you want to remove yourself from her. Wherever she is - here or there - you need to remove yourself by allowing yourself to do that. Your 'wish' is unresolved anger, frustration, resentment, exhaustion, and much more - and having had more than enough. If you do not do the inner work on yourself, whether she is physically gone or not, she will be there inside you/r head and being. This is what you need to let go of - no matter where she is.

You need to dis-associate yourself from your mother.
Get into therapy / counseling.
You must allow yourself to separate from your mother so you can sort out and process how you feel. Right now, you are too intertwined, emotionally and psychologically. Perhaps like cement. It is time to take that hammer and crack the cement into pieces, get the broom and sweep it all away ... perhaps not a good analogy... in other words, learn to release and let go and move on.

This is not easy. It is absolutely necessary for you if you want to learn who you are and enjoy meeting yourself.

My mom is also a narcissist and she has diabetes. She wants me to take care of her forever. She is perhaps one of the nastiest people I have ever had the misfortune of meeting in my life. My dad lost patience and left when I was 12. He is very emotionally distant, and will not help with my situation. I want to hire her a nurse or put her in a care home, but I worry local hospitals and treatment centers won't even recognize I am being abused. I know most people I have told simply enable the behavior.

I hope you do find peace, it is very difficult in this situation because these people don't change. Any way you look at it, its going to be a hopeless, no win situation until you get out.

No. You are allowed to have your feelings. She has created a situation in which you wish she were out of your life. How sad for her. But not for you. Please relax and accept that you wish to be free of her. You aren't wishing her death; you're wishing your liberty.

You are not "wrong" to hope she dies (soon). If she's in the hospital and refuses to get out of bed or exercise, they will soon be looking for a way to move her somewhere. They've been trying to get her back on her feet (literally and figuratively). But their efforts are wasted on her if she will not co-operate. And you know very well how they feel.

If she is determined to "go downhill" see if she can be admitted to a nursing home or someplace. She won't do any better in
Independent living and probably not in "assisted living" either.

Sounds like she's determined to give up or force someone to help her at everything! You are not likely to change her attitude. You might try telling her something like, "Its up to you, Mom. People are not going to want to help you if you aren't trying to help yourself." No need to argue. Those are the facts.

PS. There are also a few helpful books, namely:
Let me Die Before I Wake: Hemlocks Book of Self Deliverance for the Dying.
by Derek Humphry

I'm always amazed that families don't have thoughtful, loving conversations about their end of life. If I were in that state, I would gather my dearest friends and family and share my thoughts, my desires for all my "stuff", where my darling pooches need to go, and let them know how much I treasure each of them.

I remember when my mother was in her last few days, I came up with a thought that we should call our friends and relatives in Germany (we were all born in East Germany and immigrated to the US) and so I dialed the number and when the person answered that she wanted to talk to, I identified myself saying "I'm at the deathbed of "Mutti" and she would like to say goodbye to you." It was a wonderful experience and my mother was so happy and they were so happy to be able to have express their love for her before she went. My mother, being the delightful human that she was, when I suggested we call a certain friend, she said "oh, call her when I'm gone". And we had a good jolly laugh over that because that friend was not one of her favorites.

I think that not acknowledging one's impending death is such a ridiculousness of denial.

I've been looking for some answer to be able to just go when I want to (although I'm still healthy now), and checked with the Hemlock Society. But they no longer have a website up because America won't allow it. However a good friend of mine whose cancer could not be healed after endless chemotherapy and radiology simply expressed to his doctor in front of his wife that he no longer wished to live and asked the doctor how that could be accomplished… This was in Cedars of Sinai in Beverly Hills… And the doctor suggested he not eat or drink and after four or five days and he will be gone. And yes, whenever food or drink would arrive he would send it back. It took him a week to die but he was grateful and so was his wife who loved him very much. I think that's what I'm gonna do.

I would agree with TChamp this time. I realize his/ her views are extreme, but, lately my girlfriend’s mother dying process made me think a little different. She was 88, cancer which until March was under control. Then in one month it all changed, she was in pain that no human should experience ever! Good (or bad) Canada has euthanasia, once in hospital and morphine and anything else does not work patient and only patient, never anybody with POA or caregiver, or family member who can benefit in any way, only 2 independent doctors and patient can decide.
Her daughter was wishing and prying for Mom to die, she expected to live days maybe week or two. Shocking, yes, but dying with dignity is gaining popularity.

These thoughts about wishing that those people who have miserable lives die, are the result of the widespread belief that only God should decide when one dies. Meantime, the medical establishment keeps people existing even when life is meaningless. Of course, doctors are only going along with the wishes of society, which are based primarily in religious dogma. Nursing homes are full of pathetic human beings that the only life they have is a heart beats and breathing. Yet, many self-appointed experts in this forum, applaud those inhumane existences and encourage it. They blast anyone who gives realistic and logical opinions. They call them "cruel" and "heartless". The truth is that many caregivers who realize the futility of their efforts, secretly wish that those people with miserable existences should rather be dead. Of course, this brings a lot of undeserved guilt to them.

I don't think so; it feels wrong, but it's very normal. My grandma-in-law's life consists of sleeping, eating, and watching TV. Every day, she grows weaker and weaker. I often pray that she'll go peacefully in her sleep, so she can be with her two sons who preceded her in death.

Maybe it is wrong. Idk, I know I sound hard hearted, but it is a very human emotion to wish an aged parent to die, whether they are in your home under your care, like mine, who is 86, or in assisted living. Especially if they have dementia and displaying behaviour causing the caregiver mental anguish. This can be more of a strain if they are difficult, nasty and not suffering from dementia and in general good health, then the chances of them dying any time soon are pretty remote. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve thought, My God. How much longer?, when his behaviour has been an issue in our house. I’ve learnt the hard way not to tell my siblings any of the things that have happened here. They just don’t want to know or justify his behaviour. Mind you, they haven’t lifted a finger to do anything for my father or us towards his care.
So no, I don’t think it’s bad in some cases to wish an aged person/ dead.

It is NOT wrong to wish someone would die sooner rather than later and it is also not wrong for her to WANT to die and do what she wants to expedite the happening.

She probably also wants to die. See about Hospice and don't let the hospital release her to you.