My father, who has late stage Alzheimer's and is dependent on others to be moved in the home, grew up as a child of WWII in a death camp. Every day for much of the morning, my mom, also a displaced child in WWII, places my dad in front of CNN to watch the news, which lately is only the war in Ukraine. My father sits 3 feet from the tv and watches the bombing scenes and people fleeing. He cannot move himself away from the tv as he has had multiple strokes and engages sometimes with the people on tv as if he is present with them in the scene. Each day/hour sometimes we have to repeat to him that what he sees in not his past. That he is safe and it is not happening to him now. I tell her this makes his overall day agitated and fearful. My entire life, daily, I would hear something from my mom about her bad past in the war and the camps. And now, as I return home to help them, I am hearing the endless news, her stories, and feeling almost panic that he must endure this traumatizing news daily. There is nothing I can do. I love them dearly, but I wonder how I will feel "set free" as a second generation survivor of the war one day when I will no longer hear the reruns from my mom.
I would call APS if it continues. This cannot be allowed to continue.
You must try to reason with your Mom to make her understand how wrong this situation is. Does she have Alzheimer's too? Why on earth is she doing something to cruel to him?
I think my mom has always played the victim and uses her story to get attention. It IS a horrific past she still endures ( as one will never lose something like that) and I will in no way minimize it. However, when one asks of her family even before the war, she will paint herself the victim. They will sit in front of the tv and she will recount to him the bad memories, and as soon as she knows he is going down into the vortex, she will turn off the tv and say, "now come on, you can't let yourself get so low". I think it is a way to control how people feel sorry for her. If she is with a person longer than a short time, she will pull out the victim card; not only of her childhood, but anything, her story will be sadder, more difficult, about anything. On the other hand, my father, who at 6 years old would crawl under the barbed wire fence in the camp and sleep in the holes in the trees , running through the fields to the farms to get food in the deep of the night, will never on his own begin telling any story. My mom has covert narcissist behavior and I have always been the scapegoat. One knows with a narcissist , there is always a scapegoat.I believe now that my dad is becoming somewhat her scapegoat, as he is no longer strong, she can let out her bitterness at the world to my father covertly by playing this over and over again. It is very traumatizing because my father was in both Tito's death camps and Hitler's. I can't imagine what it must feel like when she says the words "Russia is at war". I try to spend as much time with him as possible, that is the best gift I can give him. It just saddens me that after my mom making it through all that, she has never had the gift given to herself of the deep joy of just being alive.
If for your “entire life, daily, I would hear something from my mom about her bad past in the war and the camps”, I would question if it’s been a constant play for sympathy rather than the full truth. That may sound unsympathetic, and she may have had a bad time. But her insistence on this may be her own play for sympathy, not about your father at all. Look after your father, and don’t be intimidated by your mother’s ‘memories’.
From 'what I've read' in the news lately, there's no truckers protest convoy going on either. The Covid 'vaccines' are perfectly safe & haven't killed a single soul, the 2020 election was 'fair & square' and about 1,000,000 other 'facts' that aren't facts at all but yellow journalism that is entirely INVENTED by the MSM to mislead us into groupthink. Don't believe everything you 'read', is the moral of the story Margaret.
I am not old enough to directly remember WWII & Grandparents never talked of it to us kids - of the rations & blackouts, the fathers, brothers who signed up.
I've met older folk through work who have recounted displaced, death camps personal history. Seen a few camp tattoos. Truly awful stuff. How they survived I don't know. The scars must run so deep. (PTSD had no name then...)
I must admit I am glued to the Ukraine news right now but I would not switch this on for anyone with lived war history unless they specifically asked. I choose the gardening or cooking channels or a nice David Attenborough doco.
thank you for lifting me up.
Soldiers can be affected in similar ways; I've learned never to ask a solider what he or she did during service, especially those who served in WWII or Vietnam.
That's a simple summary; the issues as you know are much more complex.
My maternal grandmother escaped from Armenia during the Turkish massacres. She speaks only briefly of what occurred before her parents were able to employ escape routes for their children. Grandma only mentions briefly what the Turks did in their slaughter of Armenians, then she looks off in the distance and becomes very pensive. We never pursued the issue when one of those trance type moods overcame her.
I think your mother may be trying to reconcile the how, what and why of what happened, as it still is a major part of her life, and very traumatic. Sometimes speaking of those kinds of events can offer relief. Sometimes not. But it can also be torture; there's no way to reconcile the inhumanity of what some perverted people can do to others.
I honestly don't know if your mother can escape the horrors, but I think you're wise and insightful to try a different approach. Are there any support groups through synagogues or ethnic groups with whom she could interact?
As a third generation survivor, I don't think anyone knows how this WILL affect you, although I've read of how it CAN affect the second generation. I can't recall the source now, but it was very reliable. Second generations can have guilt feelings, that they are now living in relative safety, and hopefully will never have to deal with those situations again. The guilt feelings can be overwhelming though.
As the tv anchors repeatedly mouth sympathy for the Ukrainians but continue to air horrific scenes, I find myself thinking more and more of what my grandparents and great grandparents suffered in the Turkish massacres. (One was sent to Russia and never heard from again). I'm at the point of not being to tolerate much more than an update; the videos are just too horrific and upsetting. I can't imagine how horrific this could be for your father.
If I can recall the source, I'll post back, but it's way back in my memory as to when I first read of the consequences to subsequent generations. One thing I did do when I was younger though was to cultivate relationships with other Armenians, and focus more on our culture and music than on the horrors.
I think your mother may be caught up in a "loop", of trying to rationalize and get past her childhood, but I certainly share and respect your concern for how it affects your father.
And I would find something else for him to watch in the morning, something like nature shows, or of animals. The press despite its alleged sympathy is focusing on death scenes and of destruction in Ukraine; even I can't watch this on tv. Even though I'm third generation, I still can imagine how my grandparents and maternal parents must have suffered.
Perhaps the first thing to do is find something else to entertain your father in the morning. Do you have any nature videos? Does he like music? It's far more soothing than tv. I think also that a very gentle talk with your mother could help her realize that both she and your father are being harmed by watching the scenes that tv newscasts play over and over.
I would also contact any religious groups that might be able to help, such as those in a synagogue, or even Veteran groups; I get their newsletters and note that they focus a lot on PTSS, which your mother may have.
I wish I could offer something more concrete, but do know that you're not alone, and that your concerns are certainly legitimate and valid.
No book , no news, no movie can ever depict the extent to what happened. I hope though, that through all the hardships your grandparents and parents went though, they are like a beacon to show you the strength of the human spirit . I think as my dad is losing his vision, hearing, and no longer can speak, that spirit will still be there. It is a strength I'm sure you can feel in them just as I do in him. So as it comes time for us to grow old, I feel honored to hopefully carry just a spark of the strength he has on to my children. I can feel confident you want to also.
Hearing about and actually living it are two entirely different situations and do not create the same response.
You say that you have discussed this with your Mother, this "parking" of your Dad before this ongoing trauma?
What has she said to you?
Because to be frank we all either watch or don't for our own reasons. My partner is a lifelong history buff with a degree in history. He finds it all something he wants to follow. He is also much more of a new media buff than I am.
I do not watch much of it at all. Had I a choice of a gun, or of anything else, I would have to make that choice. Meanwhile, in a world that was NEVER EVER without war, for me to park and watch for any time at all seems not a healthy choice. We need to know enough to have knowledge and empathy, but at the point that we cannot have any real input nor give any real help other than donations, there is little good done by filling our heads with the same scenes over and over and over. And having stopped by CNN where my guy is parked, I can tell you it is the SAME scene (gruesome as they can make it) over and over and over again.
I think this is between you and your Mom and is about your Dad's overall health. Seems traumatizing to me, like putting a rape victim in front of constant films depicting rape.
I would discuss again with Mom. If you can get nowhere, well, then I guess you can get nowhere. They have lived their lives after the war until now without your input, seeing war upon war upon war. They have made their choices for their marriage. And that's about it.
Life is full of tragedy. If the photographer doesn't go to Africa and film starving children covered in flies, that doesn't mean it doesn't exist. The whole discussion of what this does to us when we can't help and to the photographers (more than a few commit suicide) is another discussion.
From the time man could reach to grab a rock he's used it to knock off another's block.
We read many stories of mothers whose behavior to their children is less than kind. If OP has been hearing this for ‘my entire life, daily’, this might be similar. I certainly agree with Lealonnie about disabling the TV. I posted because just a small question mark might actually help OP deal with mother.
It is cruel.
I don't know if telling you mom it in this way would make a difference or change her behavior.
I am very sorry your dad is being put through this daily waking nightmare by your mother. And I am sorry your mother has continued to relive the darkest period of her life every single day.
How do they move on after witnessing the evil that people are capable of and seeing loved ones and others be killed and tortured in front of them?
It sounds like for the OPs mom that her daily stories are her way of coping and dealing with what she endured and witnessed.
My folks moved into an assisted living place with cable tv included. They no longer watch Fox News channel all day and night. What a change for the better! Constant Fox News was getting them all riled up in drama. They actually lost acquaintances and neighbors because of them going on and on about what was on tv. So sad but now, things are much better without them watching that constantly.
Animals have been found to be tremendous support for those with PTSS. That's not surprising; they're also wonderful support for others in need.
Your father having survived a Nazi death camp, I can't even imagine. Your father also having late-stage Alzheimer's makes seeing such images torture. He should not ever be seeing one second of what's going in in Ukraine. You make no mention of your mother having any kind of dementia. If she doesn't then she needs to be told that putting a person with Alzheimer's in front of the tv to watch what's going on in Ukraine is cruel. To do it to a WWII death camp survivor is actual torture. Psychological torture. It is also elder abuse. There is something you can do. That something is to make her understand that what she is doing to your father is elder abuse and because of his history is also torture. That either she stops putting your elderly death-camp survivor father with Alzheimer's in front of the tv to watch the war, or you will call APS and report her.
I think your mother could well benefit from being put in touch with a support group for people who have been displaced by war and who have survived torture. There are groups like this. We have one in my city that was started by two Kurdish women who are survivors. Your mother needs to be able talk to other survivors about what her experience was and to share that experience with others who can understand. Sharing it with your father now is cruelty because of his Alzheimer's. I wish you peace and hope you can get your mom to a support group.
You dad would most likely love some of the NATGO National Geographic special videos of awesome places around the world, as here at home.
Almost anything else would less depressing.
My dad fought in WWII and he refused any news except talk radio, and it's only gotten worse.
Id have all News channels removed from cable and let them know thankfully, no news today! All is well 😁
I am not well versed on electronic things but don't all TV's have a parental control feature?
" I would have a deep discussion with your Mother about what happened to her and find out if her Husband being near death is haunting her ?"
Are you serious? Do you have any idea how traumatic this would be?
Block CNN and the other News Stations.
Is your mom aware of what she is doing to your dad? If so this is beyond cruel and borders on mental abuse.
IF she is not aware of what the effects of this I wonder about her cognitive abilities. Is she also experiencing some dementia or "mild cognitive impairment".
Can she care for him properly and safely?
This is the effect the news has had on my husband, a retired AF vet. He loves history especially military and space history. I learned long ago that many negative issues we were dealing with was related to the books, movies and TV shows he enjoyed... mostly about world politics and wars (past or present). He had REM sleep disorder which meant he acted out his dreams, which often related to what his mind was exposed to during the day. When I finally learned to limit what he reads and watches, his sleep drastically improved over time.
As a Viet Nam vet, he never experienced actual war but he was in Communication dealing with a lot messages directly relating to it. Later he was in the Air Guard, then Active Reserve in Communication and Intelligence. He was activated at the end of Desert Storm but only actively served for one month on a stateside base. Whenever there is any breaking news, he expresses concern they will activate him again and he knows he would struggle because of his age and poor health. Our family has tried to reassure him over and over he would not have to go even if they called.
At his recent physical I asked our geriatrician if she would write an excuse for him to use if he is activated. She graciously wrote a statement saying he does not have the ability to serve in the military and contact her if they have questions. It is on official letterhead and I keep it on the refrigerator. I've seen him reading it and it seems to reassure him as he has not brought it up since.
There have been lots of discussion how the news can affect children and how to address various issues. Perhaps some of the suggestions to use with a child may be appropriate to try with someone declining cognitively. We all struggle at times knowing the difference between fake news and truth. This is enhanced for a person already struggling with what is reality or hallucinations and separating the past from the present.
My Armenian GM only told us that her parents hid the children between large sacks of potatoes, but eventually the Turks figured that out and stuck swords into the potato sacks when they rampaged through villages. I NEVER saw my grandmother ever eat potatoes.
Do those of you who think that these kinds of memories can be dispelled , or worse yet, really believe that these kinds of experiences can be just vanquished in that the OP's parents are in abusive situations and need to dispel their memories ?
If you do, you're wrong. I see some of the regular posters fall into this trap, and think that they just might not understand how horrific the experience is. Perhaps you could benefit from reading more on the genocides. Forty Days at Musa Dagh is one, addressing the Armenian Genocide, which preceded the Jewish Genocide committed by the Nazis.
https://www.history.com/topics/world-war-i/armenian-genocide or
https://www.armenian-genocide.org/musa_dagh.html
I read a few pages of Forty Days before I was too overwhelmed to continue it. But for someone who thinks that involving APS, or "counseling" survivors is an option, it would be a good learning experience.
I think you need to really read some of the histories, such as the Diary of Anne Frank, or novels based on fact but with fictional characters (protecting those who really did experience the horrors). Calling APS or criticizing survivors is perhaps one of the worse things that someone can do. Flashbacks could occur, the individuals might think they're back in WWII. Minds can play strange and horrific tricks on survivors.
And for those who have fallen into this method of response, I'm not criticizing you directly, as you apparently (and fortunately) have no experience in these horrors, but w/o knowing more, it's delicate to recommend a course of action for a life changing (or ending) experience about which you have no real experience.
Just one comment on someone else who survived the camps. There was a woman in rehab when my mother was, a very well groomed woman, pleasant, but with an overall presentation of shyness, of withdrawal. She finished rehab, but returned before Mom was discharged, with a broken foot, and the look of terror in her eyes.
I was in the rehab facility when she was brought in the second time, and saw that look when I greeted her. I went back a week or so later and went to her room to visit. One of the staff just looked at me, holding back tears and shaking her head. She said the second event was just too much for this woman, and brought back too many memories. While she didn't divulge the source, I was sure it came from her family.
The woman had been in one of the camps during WWII, and had horrible memories of being confined. Although "confinement" wasn't an appropriate term for being in rehab, it brought back memories of a more heinous confinement decades earlier.
These are NOT the kinds of experience that can be dealt with by APS.
Your post is more of venting than seeking advice from everyone here, so I will not offer an advice unsolicited. But I agree with those who said to switch the TV to something more helpful, such as a nature show or music.
My husband was a child in Warsaw during WW2. When he was middle aged he was eventually diagnosed with PTSD from the trauma he experienced as a child.
Fast forward to his late70s. He was in a rehab facility after some surgery. He had some dementia. The tv was turned to the History channel, and my husband watched it for hours, When I came to visit him the next day, he was in a terrible state of mind. The WW2 events were relived through the TV. It took him awhile to get past that horror he was exposed to. Of course, I tried my best to keep any war type programs away from him for the rest of his life. I would put programs on like Roy Rogers and benign programs from the better times in his life.
How savvy is your mother with the TV controls? Perhaps you can block some channels like CNN. Perhaps you could get her interested in turning on programs like cooking, gardening, house remodelling, I Love Lucy, etc.
I am so sorry for the suffering your parents experienced. The current news has all of us upset. My husband’s father was with the Polish Government in Exile in London during and after the war. When he said his good-byes to my 4 year old husband and his mother, they did not reunite for 9 years. My husband and his mother went through a lot of close calls and ultimately were in a displaced persons camp before they were able to get to England.
Put on TV land or some other channel like that and take the remote in the other room.
That poor man I can't even imagine what it must be like to be a death camp survivor, have Alzheimer's and be forced to watch the war in Ukraine for hours at a time. The OP's mother needs to stop doing that because it is cruelty and psychological torture for the father.
I'm so sorry your husband suffered the terror of WWII Poland. Then reliving it in color by seeing it on the History Channel. That is terrible.
Parental controls are there for a reason.