You are all angels. I’m feeling guilty, because I don’t want my mother-in-law to stay with us.

Hope you had some good tips Nenameg. I'm trying as hard as I can to be less "angel like". LOL.

someone posted that everyone on this forum are all "giving people", something like that. yeah I guess.
one day we will all get a medal for what we do. is the medal worth it? I dont know.
But , as far as Angel, yes I suppose so. in a way I'm trying to drop my wings!

Yep, I think it's time for your brother-in-law to take Mom. You've got your husband to take care of now! Hands full. Time for changing of the guard. I've been caregiver for my 96yr old Dad for years now (part time before). Over a year ago my Husband became ill so I had to ask my two Sons - who own their own business - to take turns taking days off work for almost a year - while I cared for my Husband (he passed away March of 2023) I then immediately swapped houses with my oldest son who was living at Dad's so I could now be here with Dad 24/7. So see - it does take a village to care for our loved ones. I've been here full time since last July and I'm already burnt out! So I might have to ask them to take some time away from their work again so I can take a short vacation to regroup & catch my breath! Good luck to you and to your Husband - hope he heels quickly so you guys can enjoy the rest of your lives together! You've done enough! That's for sure!

you have done too much already. No, you should not only not feel selfish, you need to put her elsewhere.

But SELFISH? You have already done too much. You are saint, but need to quit being a saint

Tell your dh that you are only equipped to take care of one person, and that’s him. Four years now means her dementia has progressed as well.

Is she overweight or "wide bodied"? Have you tried a commode that you can pull the pot and place over the toilet. You can call your local social services to see if they have a community closet of donated items.

What I'm reading here is that in order to remain a "quote unquote" an angel, is that we must not rock the boat, state our true cases, and stopping the care when our body starts saying stop. We are not pack mules. Trust me when I say, that people will just keep heaping it on until we demand that it stops. Only you can place your own boundaries and limit the amount of time and help. Please look after your own health.

Your husband, mother in-law are being selfish thinking that this can be an ongoing arrangement. I think it is time to start with making arrangements for an assisted living or a nice home. I've seen some nice group homes for the elderly and they are really nice.

I'm so sick of kind, talented, intelligent women being judged solely on how well they serve or please others. You said you have a full time job, so how is it that your off time is expected to be used cleaning up potty messes? I'm sorry, but I've been on this forum a while now, and I was a caregiver myself, and I'm so tired of women (and some men) being treated like doormats...and then judged when they say enough is enough.

It’s not selfish, it’s survival!

You know your limits; good for you.

You can’t caregive for 2 people! Each person needs 2-3 caregivers to be ideal.

Take care of you! 💐

You are not selfish . You have reached your limit . Tell your husband that he and his brother will have to work out where THEIR mother will be moving to next ( permanently ).
You are only able to be a caregiver for your husband , so you are resigning from working for your mother in law.

We are Angels? I think very few of us want to be Caregivers. Some do it because its a parent. I would not have cared for my MIL. Time to think about placing her.

You aren’t selfish. Your husband is for expecting you to just smile and deal with her living in YOUR home.

A. Your husband needs your help as he recovers.

B. MIL needs a caregjver. DH out of action so that is also you.

A + B = overload for you.

So which one will go elsewhere for recovery or care?

Discuss with your dear Husband. Tell him you are Amazing 😁 but just ONE person - so one of you must go elsewhere for care. Suggest MIL goes to stay elsewhere for the short term. Then mention, soonish you'd also like to discuss the longer term plan for MIL.

While it would be NICE if the brother offered, or was open to the idea if you asked him, it was yours & DH's decision to take MIL in, right? Therefore, you have the responsibility to arrange an alternative. Brother is not obligated to be your backup. Although, ask him! He may see that as fair!

Warning: If at any point your DH calls *you* selfish for not taking care of BOTH he & MIL - get a mirror ready to hold up. To reflect that back to him. For him to examine..
Q. Are his expectations realistic?
Q. What is his motivation to look after his Mother in his own home?
Q. Did he *promise* this?
Q. Was that wise?
Q. How can he make adaptions fo suit ALL of you as you all age?

PS or maybe your DH will have to go elsewhere for his revovery?

I'm not sure who all are angels and who aren't, but one thing I can say - we are all human and we are not invincible nor super human, none of us.

No, you are not selfish. You and husband deserve time of your own, especially when you have your own medical problems.

I can't understand why MIL wants to be a burden to anyone in her family. That includes BIL. Elders don't automatically deserve a bed in their relatives' homes when they become decrepit. It should be up to them to plan and save for their own care.

When it gets to the point where the family has to deal with MIL's feces, that's the line. She needs to go to memory care. Period. Go. Gone. Tell husband that's what needs to happen and work out a plan that MIL must follow. She's the one with the problem and needs to accommodate to you, not the other way around.

She will also get better care by professionals who are trained to do what you're doing now. Everyone will be better off.

Selfish is not a word that should even be mentioned here. You have already done more than most folks could stand to do, and it's time to stop doing it.

First and foremost, forget about your brother-in-law (BIL) taking "his turn" at caring for their mother. Just put that out of your mind unless of course you want to ruin your relationship with him. It's not his turn.

Second, accept that you and your husband chose to let your mother-in-law (MIL) live with you. No need to call yourself selfish or have any guilt! You tried, which is admirable, and it's no longer working. What do you do now?

You must sit down with your husband and help him figure out a longterm plan for his mother. If you're on good terms with your BIL (hint hint) and he's a reasonable person asking his opinion may be helpful.

What are her finances like? That's really the first step in figuring out realistic options.

Thank you everyone. All your answers are helpful.

You have a life and a job.
Guilt is out of the question.
You didn't cause your MIL condition.
You cannot FIX MIL condition.
Both those things would be necessary to enable you to feel guilt.

What you feel is grief and helplessness.
You are not trained nor equipped to do care of this level and you have jobs and lives.

You may think that the brother should assume the care.
I don't.
I think the brother is wise to in no way assume the care for someone he is not ready, willing and able to take care of. I spent my entire life as an RN and I can tell you right now that I personally wouldn't assume this care. I know my limitations. I accept my limitations. I am not up for Sainthood and it is a kind of hubris to think that we have unlimited abilities to address all that can happen in life.

I am very sorry your MIL is going through this. You are as well. That's called GRIEF, not guilt. That is called a tragedy happening to her that you and her son must stand helpless witness to you. I caution you to put your MIL into safe care, visiting her and loving her. Assuming care you aren't trained for will make you a caregiver, not a son and DIL. You need to stay a DIL, not a caregiver.

That's my advice. Not everything can be fixed in life. Not everything has an answer. And throwing your own lives on the funeral pyre of an elder will not help her or you.

Hopefully BIL will be willing but you can't/shouldn't assume someone into a caregiving role: he can say no and you have to live with/respect his decision.

What you should do before you ask him is to do the research for Plan B as the back-up. If he says no, then you can leverage this in that conversation. BIL doesn't want to take her in? Ok, here is our Plan B and you must live with it unless you come up with another solution that doesn't involve us in any way.

Then see what he says.

It's your home, your marriage, your life, your wellbeing. What you are doing is having normal, healthy boundaries. That's not selfish.

Nope. Not at all. I find the more you do, the more people expect you to do. I was staying weekends and an entire week with Aunt. I went home back to my life and family started asking if I could do it again. No. Let someone else help.

Knowing what you want and advocating for yourself is not selfish. Different people make different choices, and that’s great. Many people on this forum live with the person they care for, many more do not. We are all just trying to figure what works best for our own selves. (Ps: activated carbon in the bathroom!)

You just want your life back! Nothing selfish about that, 4 years is a long time, you did your dues and then some!!

You're not selfish at all. You did your time caregiving for MIL and having her living in your house. Four years of it.

You do not have to justify to anyone why you're not having your MIL come stay at your house. There's nothing selfish about it. You had her for four years and enough is enough. It's someone else's turn to take care of her. It's your BIL's turn.

Hold strong to your boundaries and your refusal to have her at your house again. Don't let anyone talk you or guilt you into taking your MIL in.