Only child, mother divorced 47 yrs ago: My mother had 2 strokes a year apart plus onset dementia with them. She lived 70 miles fr me. She had been an Office Mgr her entire adult life keeping books etc. At this point, she couldn't tell you the answer to 2+2 & was still driving. Had been thru 2 hospital bouts & 2 immediately following extended rehabs. Conclusions, she couldn't be alone but sent her home when insurance was done.
--Her wish was to die in her own home, fiercely independent woman lived alone for last 30 yrs, I went into military at 17. Then a seizure landed her in hospital after less than 2wks prior she had an auto accident on way home from church. For a full year, her friends, church people etc called me 70 miles away telling me she shouldn't drive, take her keys. Uh, hello: that's illegal, might as well steal her car, she could call the police on me thus spurring a crap storm of consequences ending up w/her stuck w/no rides & my direct actions initiating it, which is exactly what everyone wanted. She was dug in to staying in her home. 70 miles away, no way I could shuttle her. How was i supposed to take her driving privileges away w/nothing to replace them? But that's what the peer pressure does, worries about things not their business and then passes the buck to family. Not one of them called the police, an agency akin to the BMV that could do something, they all laid it on me. Nor did a one of them offer to be her personal chauffer's of course. Just, "STOP HER FROM DRIVING B4 SHE CAUSES AN ACCIDENT!" Well, she finally did. Gladly, only the cars were injured, her new car was totaled.
--Now get this, not even the officer on the scene with her 2 severe strokes, dementia disabled mother at 72, with her bizarre behavior at the crash scene, questioned her competence. Just filed the report & let her leave, had the vehicles towed. If not for her seizure 2wks later leading to an ER memory specialists doctor forcing her into a nursing home finally, my mother would have been given the $20,408.00 for her totaled Corolla, took that straight out, added a bit to it and bought a new one and drove it home a few weeks later. That's the system at work folks. Meanwhile for a year people were calling me, bothering me to be the BAD GUY at their bequest because they didn't want to be the bad guy.
--Share this to make light of the situation families are coping with in many areas as our parents age. Everything's supposed to be our problem. We offspring are automatically supposed to be the bad guys that take freedoms away fr our parents we never gave them. It's ludicrous!
--Who is it exactly that made this societal rule. Freedoms & privileges granted by the govt are to be revoked by the children thus causing a rift between parent & child. Not revoked by legislation, nor under legislation by medical professionals, but by sons & daughters. It's cruel!!!!!!
--At that time (2017-2020), my mother owned her home & had $60G in savings and a new $25G car paid for. You had to be homeless (own nothing) and stay under $2,000.00 in checking & savings combined, to get govt. aid and help with cabs/Uber etc for doctor appts, prescription & grocery runs etc. After her accident, hospital to nursing home, Elder law firm, private pay $8,000.00 a month until medicaid passed and full liquidation of everything she had, she now is worth $1,574.00 but hey, all her friends are happy, church minister has quit calling, that's what's important, right? She's lost everything, in prison ie institutionalized for simply living too long. The doctor who forced this called it: COMPASSION. Literally said dying in her own home on her own terms was CRUEL by today's standard. Doesn't matter that was the norm the last 6,000 years. Today that is CRUEL. So you take everything from them, force them into institutions because they are too hard to handle at home, and that my friends is COMPASSION via an M.D. at Community East Hospital, Indpls, In memory care specialist. We argued an hour over this!
Let's not forget, even one with dementia can seem clear minded in different situations. I don't know how they do that, it always had bogged my mind. It's called "show timing". Once the audience is gone, then the person goes back to being what is now their norm.
My Dad was so happy when he sold his house and moved into senior living. He was glad that the cost of maintaining a house, paying real estate property taxes, homeowner's insurance, etc. was now in the rear view mirror. Living in a prison? Far from it. Dad said he wished he moved sooner, he enjoyed being around people of his own generation :)
You wrote "force them into institutions because they are too hard to handle at home" Did you know up to 40% of family caregivers die leaving behind the love one they were caring. Really bad odds. Now what? Thank goodness for Medicaid.
sounds like your mom could not live alone safely. FPOA, should have been placing the tools necessary. Hired help, (why wasn’t this done).???to drive your mom. Etc..
or move mom near you, or the alternative AL/ memory care…
my moms nest egg was her Mobile home, had to sell it.. she had about $70,000.. for AL , then moved her near me… she almost out lived her money.. she passed two days before the Medicaid application appointment.
I can’t tell if you’re angry because there is no money left, …or because your mom lost her independence….
Eck, I don't know if this thought will be any consolation to you, but the responsibility for planning for her latter years so that she could live them in the way that best pleased her, and adapting to circumstances as they arose, lies with your mother. Not you, nor anybody else.
The decision-makers who have forced changes on your mother that seem unacceptable to her, or you, are all the same doing their best to act in her best interests. Sometimes the only choice is the least worst option. Is there still a better idea available?
While these rants may release the steam a bit for someone suffering, in this case I think it is stoking the fires of anger. Anger that is injurious and has no place to go.
I think our OP, if this anger in the two posts is typical, may need to reach out for help by those trained to help us in this kind of suffering.
So, she bought a new car and you don’t like people calling you. They are calling because they are concerned about her and others on the road. She’s your mother. They most likely feel that it’s your job to call the DMV. She isn’t their mom.
What did she do after her car was totaled? Take a cab? Get rides from others? Is she familiar with Council on Aging? They give rides to doctor appointments, the pharmacy and grocery store.
There may come a time when going into a facility may be necessary for her. It’s great that some people are able to remain at home. It depends on their situation. Your mom may have been independent when she was younger but she certainly isn’t now.
I’m a bit confused by your posting. Are you planning on caring for her as she ages in her house? Will you assist in hiring a caregiver for her? If not, what’s left? A facility is the only option that is left.
Why on earth are you arguing about the past? We are living in today’s world. Catch up!
Who wants to go back to the dark ages? Maybe you do. Most people don’t.
You can gripe about how you see things but that isn’t solving the problem with your mom.
Be grateful that she was once independent and lived a productive life. It would serve you well to accept the reality of her situation now.
I was saddened that my mother was burdened by having Parkinson’s disease later in her life. I made sure that she was cared for properly.
I was devastated that my father suffered from a stroke. He was well cared for afterwards.
I was fortunate that neither of my parents fought to drive when they no longer could. I’m sorry that you are going through this.
Place your energy into finding a solution that will actually help your mom live a better life now instead of just complaining about irrelevant issues, such as how the world was many years ago.
Stop caring so much what others think.
As to your mom being in a NH. She's safe. Which she wasn't at home.
Sometimes, there are no good choices.
And if you start talking about limiting Medicare payments for futile end of life care, you get accused of instituting "death panels".
There is only the least bad choice, sometimes.