I love my mom, very much and we have a wonderful relationship. I don't want to lose that. My Grandma is very difficult and she makes it even more difficult to make good of a bad situation. I'm trying very hard to adjust to this new situation, but I hate having to give up my life to do this. I'm only 20 years old, and I want to be mature and handle this situation as calmly as possible. I know that if my mom could, she would be giving fulltime care, but my parent's just can't afford having only my Dad's income. And even though I know it's not anyone's fault, I can't help but feel resentful. My Grandma doesn't appreciate my staying with her. She doesn't like taking her medications, which she does have a lot of. She has this "invincibility" thing, where she feels that she needs no help. She has no driver's license, so she can't drive. She thinks that everyone is out to get her... which is hard for me to deal with, and she was diagnosed Bipolar. It's just so hard to want to help someone that doesn't want it and thinks they don't need it. I just wish she was able to make this easier for me to want to help her. Help???
If your grandmother tests normal and she refuses to take her medications and live alone, then sometimes you need to let that happen. We cannot make someone take medications against their will. Unless you have Power of Attorney or Conservatorship over your grandmother, no amount of pleading, coaxing or talking to her is going to make any difference. I would recommend that you get her tested. Look up Geriatric Evaluations on the Internet and type in your city after that and see what shows up for you. Start here with your grandmother and then create a plan for you to get your life back. Please know that you are NOT selfish for wanting to have some relief from this very difficult situation. This is not a burden than you should take on alone.
I get the impression this is supposed to be 24/7 for you. Sorry, bad idea. Some hours, yes. Your life, no. Did I misunderstand? Do you go out to school or a job during the day? Do you have some evenings for a social life?
I think your mom and dad are in a tight spot. They really want grandma to be looked after, they can't do it themselves, and they can't think of other solutions. They mean well and I am not criticizing them. But I really think another solution is necessary.
I think your grandmother's situation should be evaluated by a medical social worker. If grandma needs 24/7 care, or even if she needs some assistance, Social Services will know what resources are available to help. You may be able to help with the paperwork, for example applying for Medicaid. And if Social Services determines that she does not need help at this time, and she does not want help, accept that.
Your grandmother is in her seventies, right? How long are you supposed to put your life on hold? Until your parents retire in 10 or 15 years? What is the long term plan here? Because Grandmother is not going to get better and suddenly need less help than she does now.
My heart goes out to you Allie, and to your parents, and to your grandmother. Please bring in an objective professional to help you sort out your options.
It is no one's fault that Grandma is physically and mentally ill and not a pleasant person. That is true. But all options should be explored for keeping her safe. Putting off starting your independence for years to do it yourself is not a good option, in my opinion, I don't know how you could avoid being resentful.
Another idea is to look for a support group for caregivers in your community. Try a local hospital, and see if they have one. Many do. There, you'll find people who can share their strategies for dealing with people, like your grandmother, who don't believe they need care.
I am sending good vibes to all of you, but specially to you and your Mom.
My granddaughter is 22 years old and is a full time college student and works many hours too. She is just the best person and I love her to pieces. She is like my own daughter. I can't imagine asking her to take on the full time care of myself or my husband.
I appreciate that your mom is in a tough situation. Nevertheless, it is her situation and not yours. You must be an amazing young woman to even consider taking on the care of your grandmother. At your age, there is so much else you need to be doing.
This is going to be difficult for you. You know that you are in the wrong situation and it isn't working for you. This is a primer for your life. Do you stay in a place that is bad for you because you don't want to disappoint your mom or, maybe later, someone else? Or do you say NO, this is not good for me and I have a right to have my life too?
Give your mom two months to find another solution to this problem. That's her job. The fact that grandma doesn't want to move is not a good reason for you to have to sacrifice years to her care. If grandma insists on living alone, then you should get on with your life. Eventually, it will be come clear that she needs to move. You staying with her only makes that process take longer.
God bless you kind heart and my love goes to your mom too. I know you are all doing what you think is right, but Allie it is not right for this burden to fall on you.
What you do next is very important and you will remember it all your life. You have to get yourself out of there as your mother and grandmother are taking advantage of you. They are guilting you into remaining and will keep you locked in the tower with your crazy aged granny as long as you will stay.
You must plan an escape. Imagine yourself in another situation. Surely there is something else you would rather be doing. Do you have training for a job where you could get work? Finances are going to be what will eventually get you away.
If you are not trained, I suggest you get some. That will get you away from your family and among other people who are planning their future. You will pick up all sorts of ideas and enthusiasm from others like yourself.
Once you have some skills and found work save up a little nest egg, say $2000. Then move in with a roommate or get a place on your own.
You need to learn how to protect yourself from your family and all the rest of the world which will take advantage of you. Believe me it can be cruel. When you have the ability to take care of yourself you can set boundaries with your family and make them stick. If you leave your grandmother, someone will find another naive person to take care of her.
Good luck.
One speaker talking about the stresses of caregiving listed feeling guilty as one stress. She said that is pretty universal for caregivers. And here is the thing -- you will feel guilty if you can't do what is expected of you and put your life on hol. And if you try to do it, you will feel guilty that you can't do it perfectly. You will feel guilty for feeling resentment. You will feel guilty when you get mad at your grandma. The guilt is not rational -- this is not your fault, but it seems to be very hard to escape. You can't make your decisions based on guilty feelings, because you can pretty much count of feeling guilty no matter what.
I hope you can convince your grandma to move, but I wouldn't count on it. So what is the plan if she refuses? You and your parents need to work together to come up with a viable plan that does not involve you giving up your life. This is very tough stuff. Please contact Social Services or your state's Department on Aging and get some professional input.
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