A Farewell and Thank You

I haven’t posted on here for a while, but still read some of the questions and answers. I did want to stop in and post one more time to express my deepest gratitude to this site, the forum, and the marvelous people who post here.

My mother passed away this week, now at peace and happy after her miserable and frightening final years of dementia.

Hospice care for this last year was a wonderful thing, filled with excellent people who made her more comfortable and at ease right up to her final moments. I strongly urge anyone dealing with a loved one with advanced dementia to look into hospice care. It is entirely paid by Medicare (in the US), and included her medications - which were carefully given to chase away the hallucinations and fears without making her a drugged zombie - things like incontinence care products, and more. Every one of the hospice people who came to see her were kind and patient. Look up hospice care for dementia to find out more about this in your area.

For the people here posting and answering, my deepest thanks. I especially thank AlvaDeer, JoAnn29, Funkygrandma59, and MidKid58. Your consistency and wisdom helped me greatly to get through. What I learned here, from all of you, helped me get through it all.

Main things I learned that I think are important for everyone:

Don’t be too attached to a property or house. It is a place to live, with ‘home’ being something else entirely. Sell when it is time to sell. The memories of a place, a family home, move with you.

Do your paperwork - POAs, healthcare directives, financial documents, wills - well in advance. The nightmare I dealt with would have been enormously worse had not the paperwork needed to step in and take care of my mother properly already been in place.

Move before you need to. Get settled in a townhouse or condo before your home and yard become hopelessly unmanageable. Move willingly into assisted living in your own time so you can settle in happily and enjoy the benefits. Work out in advance where that next step will be in living and care.

It is far more important to look to your own financial health and security so you can pay your own way as long as possible than it is to think about what you might leave to others after you are gone. If you end up even, with nothing left for your heirs but you have also paid your own way the entire time, that is a win. My mother got obsessed with what she would leave to the point of shorting herself in food and care. Don’t do that.

Accept that your life and health will change no matter how much you don’t want it to.

Enjoy your family as family, not as your servants or obliged workers. Accept help, though, when it is offered.

Thank you all!