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I haven’t posted on here for a while, but still read some of the questions and answers. I did want to stop in and post one more time to express my deepest gratitude to this site, the forum, and the marvelous people who post here.


My mother passed away this week, now at peace and happy after her miserable and frightening final years of dementia.


Hospice care for this last year was a wonderful thing, filled with excellent people who made her more comfortable and at ease right up to her final moments. I strongly urge anyone dealing with a loved one with advanced dementia to look into hospice care. It is entirely paid by Medicare (in the US), and included her medications - which were carefully given to chase away the hallucinations and fears without making her a drugged zombie - things like incontinence care products, and more. Every one of the hospice people who came to see her were kind and patient. Look up hospice care for dementia to find out more about this in your area.


For the people here posting and answering, my deepest thanks. I especially thank AlvaDeer, JoAnn29, Funkygrandma59, and MidKid58. Your consistency and wisdom helped me greatly to get through. What I learned here, from all of you, helped me get through it all.


Main things I learned that I think are important for everyone:


Don’t be too attached to a property or house. It is a place to live, with ‘home’ being something else entirely. Sell when it is time to sell. The memories of a place, a family home, move with you.


Do your paperwork - POAs, healthcare directives, financial documents, wills - well in advance. The nightmare I dealt with would have been enormously worse had not the paperwork needed to step in and take care of my mother properly already been in place.


Move before you need to. Get settled in a townhouse or condo before your home and yard become hopelessly unmanageable. Move willingly into assisted living in your own time so you can settle in happily and enjoy the benefits. Work out in advance where that next step will be in living and care.


It is far more important to look to your own financial health and security so you can pay your own way as long as possible than it is to think about what you might leave to others after you are gone. If you end up even, with nothing left for your heirs but you have also paid your own way the entire time, that is a win. My mother got obsessed with what she would leave to the point of shorting herself in food and care. Don’t do that.


Accept that your life and health will change no matter how much you don’t want it to.


Enjoy your family as family, not as your servants or obliged workers. Accept help, though, when it is offered.


Thank you all!

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Goddatter - Wise words everyone should read. Everything you wrote is spot on. I can't agree more.

I am sorry for your loss. May you have a new beginning full of possibilities.
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Deepest condolences on the loss of your mum. I am glad she is at peace now.

I echo what polar wrote - you have posted much wise advice.

All the best to you for your "new normal".. Consider staying on Aging Care to share your journey with others. Your experiences are valuable.
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Goddatter, I am so sorry for your loss.

May The Lord give you grieving mercies, strength, peace and guidance for thus new season in your life.
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Beautifully said Goddatter. I'm glad your mother is now at peace and I hope that you are too. You did a great job caring for your mother and I'm glad that we could help along the way with any concerns you had.
Perhaps in time you too will want to jump on here from time to time to now share your wisdom with others still in the trenches.
Either way, I wish you the very best in rebuilding your life after caregiving and hope and pray that you will fill your days with things that bring you joy.
May God bless you and keep you.
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Sorry to see u leave. My Mom has been gone over 5 years. I stayed because I felt I could help others.

Good Luck with whatever you do with the rest of your life.
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I'm sorry for your loss, but actually happy for you and Mom. Slowly dying in front of everyone is so exhausting--for everyone involved.

You give some great advice! I am glad to say that DH and I have learned the hard way for some of those things.

I hope you can move forward with your life and I do hope you come back b/c your input was valuable! But I certainyl understand that after you've lost the person you were caring for--talking about other people's situations can be too 'triggering'.

Hugs to you--
Liz
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I’m so sorry for your loss. Stick around if you like. If not, we wish you the very best in life. Take care.
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Goddatter, this is such a lovely post. Thanking and saying good-bye to a bunch of strangers on the internet when you have just suffered the loss of your dear mother is not someting a lot of people would do. And your insights are so "spot on" I wish this post could be pinned so it's at the top. I'm thinking of you as you grieve and move through the next days, weeks, and months as you come to a "new normal." You probably don't feel like "hanging out" on the Aging Care forum right now, but in the future you might come back from time to time to share what you have learned.
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Thank you for your kind and wise words. I wish you peace and comfort in your loss
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Im very sorry your mom is gone. ♡
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Goddatter...
Sorry for your loss.
Please take the time you need to find yourself but please stop by once in a while.
You have learned a lot from your journey and to be able to pass on bits of wisdom is a precious thing. It is one of the reasons I "hang around". My logic is if I can help one person avoid some of the problems I had it helps make things easier.
I hope others that wonder about Hospice read your words and take them to heart. I also had a wonderful experience with the Angels that came in the form of my Hospice Team.
((hugs))
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Goddatter, I am sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your thoughtful and helpful insights that you gained along the way. Praying for your peace as you move forward, keeping your mom in your heart always.
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Deepest condolences 😊
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So sorry for your loss!

Thanks for sharing your wisdom with the group.
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Goddatter, out of your loss has come great wisdom. Thank your for your words.
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So sorry for your loss, and thanks for the great advice.
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Goddatter
My condolences on the passing of your mom. Wishing you peace and many wonderful memories in days to come.
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