accused of abusing mother, and innocent, what to do

U MUST HAVE PROOF THAT UR NOT ABUSING HER AND IF THE PEOPLE THEY INTERVIEWED HAS TO HAVE PROOF ALSO HERE SAY IS NOT A ISSUE IT WHAT THEY SEE

Has your mother been diagnosed with any kind of dementia? Start there. Cooperate with the investigation if you have nothing to hide. Neglect is abuse. LIke not getting her the medical care she needs. Spending her money without permission or accountablity is financial exploitation. What kind of abuse is she claiming?

Sad to say you may need an attorney. Does your mother have dementia? Can you find people who have seen you with her to take your side.

This isn't unusual, but it has become more common now to report people who an elder accuses of abuse (and of course if there is abuse, they should be reported).

But there are many cases where dementia enters in and abuse is not the issue, it's the elder's memory and/or paranoia that is the issue. Still, once reported to social services, a situation becomes more serious. I'd start looking for people to back you up. If it goes too far, you may need legal help. I can see why you are crushed.
Carol

Usually, claims to APS do not get this far (interviews, etc.) So you are right to take it seriously. However, if her claims are not credible and you are confident they are false, don't worry. Be open and honest with the social workers and see if that settles the matter. I would not get a lawyer unless the police take action AND the District Attorney's Office brings charges against you (which is highly unlikely).

I wonder does your mother have dementia? People with Alzheimer's will often accuse people of stealing from them or of holding them against their will. An APS worker will usually pick up on that, they have lots of experience with both real abuse as well as imagined abuse.

Speaking of elder abuse, the most common are physical and financial. As long as you are not beating her, or draining her bank accounts, you should be OK.

Finally, assuming that her claims are completely a figment of her imagination; by bringing these charges against you she is destroying whatever trust you have between you, and few people would blame you if you washed your hands of her and walked away.

But I will add one more thing. Assuming that you are not abusing her, you may want to ask yourself if you have perhaps gone a little overboard in trying to help and protect her? Sometimes well intentioned family members will dominate an older relative in an honest desire to help them. So ask yourself - are her charges a reaction to your interference with her self will. I only mention this last part if perhaps you may be wondering WHY she doing this...nevertheless good luck, I hope it resolves quickly for your sake.

Sad when things come to this. Prayer necessary.

what state do you live in , this matters

Why does it matter?

Different States have different abuse laws. California is the worse. Many States have no abuse laws. Many States mirror child abuse while others have their own set of laws.

Where do we find the laws that apply to our state?

I have a research paper that I did . There are law libraries. Nexis Lexius on line? If you wish me to respond about a particuliar State I would be happy to. If you go to your cabinet online there is a chance that you can do a key word search. If you call your department of aging in your State there is a good chance that they will let you know. I live in Kentucky. We have laws that are very clear about elder abuse. But they are only punishable against a Caregiver. So if another takes advantage of a elder then it is a different set of laws. It can get confusing. I am not a lawyer but a PhD student studying Gerontology and law. When I get my degree in law I would be better able to say. We have FREE law clinics available to answer questions such as these as well. Many states do.

thanks for concern and help i live in texas

Texas like Ca. has one of the most stringent Elder Abuse laws and protections. There is much pressure on law enforcement to pursue reported issues of abuse. Financial Abuse, Physical abuse, neglect all are taken very seriously in Texas. There penalities are very strict. They pertain to all elders REGARDLESS of disability. So YES I would retain a lawyer.

APS will, or should be directed to, interview your mother's family doctor to ascertain her mental stability (dementia). If she has a diagnosis of dementia, that will probably let you off the hook as an 'abuser'. But, a file will probably be created and, if so, the agency will check on your mother from time to time. Even though she may have mild dementia, it is possible you will not be able to exercise your best judgment regarding her decisions & actions. My elderly mother bought a car and insisted on driving until we notified DPS. Repeatedly, she was unable to demonstrate safe driving skills but never forgave us for 'taking away her independence.' She offered her entire income & savings to a disreputable person in exchange for 24-hour live-in assistance. Out lawyer advised the family that she was within her rights to buy the car & sign over her money. Only her rapidly declining health led us out of this nightmare. Unless your mom is endangering others, you may want to just live & let live for a while--unless she is in your home while leveling these charges.
Then, enlist the aid of her family doctor, to have her mental stability evaluated.

well it really makes you want to tell the world, be careful and not help the aging parents, or it will come back to hurt you. so sad that our world has come to this. this has caused strife with my two daughters as they are taking my mothers side. they do not realize the time and energy and how caring for someone care drain you mentally and physically. and not just caring for my mother i had my disabled brother also. it has really almost caused me to just want to stay away from everyone and not have contact with anyone. it makes you bitter inside.

It sounds like you burnt yourself out. Caregivers become more ill than the actual care receiver as a result. Was there noone to help. Respite care, or hire a community helper? Sounds like you should have enlisted the help of your two daughters. I don't know what you are accused of but I would try and get some help with your care taking roles so that you can work on yourself.

my mother has been falling alot and dr wanted her to have her to have heart monitor on for 24 hours. and to back up i had been in new york for 10 days visiting my son. 1 daughter actually went to my mothers house 1 day out of those 10 days and that was only to take her to drs appt. when i landed on plane daughter said mom you are not coming home to pleasant situation. grandma had a rat in the bed with her during the day. i got home, rat signs everywhere cabinets, on bed, bathroom, i went nuts cleaning, put out 24 mouse traps, was washing cleaning everything in house. staying up til 2 am cleaning, mother falls one night and i did not hear her. next morning she tells me, i call homehealth, they come out tell me to ice it. one daughter comes to only be in the way, told me she did not clean rat crap. the other could not come as she has 2 small children and we did not want them walking even on the floors. it was a struggle to get mom to eat and drink, knowing she was depressed i went to the homehealth company and asked for advise. nurse told me she would go and talk to mother and for me to just stay away a couple of hours and i did. nurse looked at my mothers foot from the fall and calls the dr. nurse calls back at 5pm and tells mother to go to the emergency room and get xray, mother tells her she has no one to take her. which was not the truth i was there. then mother gets another phone call to be somewhere the next morning to get heart monitor on. she tells me at 8pm that she was to get heart monitor on next day but not sure what town or where to go. i told her not to worry we would get up in am, and find out. got up early got dressed got her in car, which is ordeal, she is sick at her stomach, sweating, i get garbage can to vomit in, load her walker and off we go. to where i am not sure, i take her to local hospital outpatient and they do not have orders. i left mother in the car and ran back every few minutes to reassure i was trying to findout where she was suppose to go. she gets so upset , says just take me home now, she gets paranoid when she has to leave her home, i reassure her it i ok, i will find out. i have a lady on the phone trying to call different places that she might have to be, i am also on my cell calling her doctor, the homehealth, they have no idea where she is to be. when i was talking to homehealth they ask about the xray the night before, of course i did not know about it. finally 45 minutes later i findout where to take her. get her to the cardio lab and they will not put monitor on until she has foot xray. i call drs nurse beg her to write order to have xray somewhere other than emergency rm knowing it would take hours, dr says no, told her to go last night and i will not change order. the nurse in the cardio lab talks mother into going to emergency room to have xray. now this whole time mom is mad at me, feels like i am making her do things she does not want to do. her sodium is low she is suppose to drink lots of fluids and she is getting weaker. i get her drink out of machine, emergency room takes 3 and one half hours. then back to cardio lab. finally after 7 hours we are fininished, i go get her something to eat and drink and get her home and in the bed. i am mentally and physically exhausted. one daughter says it should have not been so long, dr should have written new order, and it should have not been that hard to find out where she was suppose to be. mom gets a phone call, i swear after being so ugly to me all day she acts like she is wonderful, and the foot does have fracture, so they send her home with a boot and orders to go to ortho dr. i go in her room and say mom if you can not remember who you talk to and where you are suppose to be, and if you lie to the home health and tell them you can not go to get foot xray because you are alone, you make me look like a fool. so i will take the phone and i will answer the calls, i take the phone out of her room and walk to the kitchen. she gets her neck button that she can not push during the night when she falls, cause she does not remember how, and she pushes it and screaming and crying please come get me, she is abusing me. help. help./ i just start to laugh and reassure the daughters it is ok. not to come. but her they come. mad at me. take mother out of the house and home with oldest daughter for the night. so there i am, house upside down with rat cleaning, crying myself. daughter gives me 2 days to get house in order and get out. so i start packing my things, which was alot, and still cleaning mothers house. on the third day, ,my daughter brings mother home, i had put up notes, what i had cleaned, what needed to be done, daughter gets mad, pushes me, rips notes down, tells me it is an insult to write notes like that. she once again takes mother with her. i work like a crazy person, finished at 8pm that night and she brings mother home. so i am accused of mental abuse by taking phone out of the room and saying mother, either you try to help yourself or we need to go look at assisted living. i moved out. have had no contact since sept 6 until adult protective calls me. i did tell my daughter i was going to call when i left because i did not want to be accused of neglect, but i did not call. wish now i had of called them. what do you think...? i have begged daughters to sit down and discuss mothers care with me, they refused. they think she is fine, does not need help all the time, which she does not, but, she is so depressed and on so much medicine wants to lay in bed all day and eat ice cream

No doubt about it after reading this, but you are severly burned out and understandibly so while now being abandoned by your daughters, falsely accused of abused as well as invalidated as someone who has worked as hard and done as much good as you have.

Thus, I see two actions to take. First, decide to be proactive about this and get yourself a lawyer soon! Second, find yourself a therapist to help you with this burn out, through this legal situation, and to see if you may need some medication yourself for your own well being.

Right now, you can't change mom nor can you change your daughters, nor can you change the situation of being accused, but you can take charge of you by being proactive in doing the two things I suggest above.

THANK YOU CROWEMAGNUM FOR YOUR WORDS OF ENCOURAGEMENT. I HAVE CONTACTED AN ATTORNEY TODAY, AND I HOPE IT DOES NOT COME TO THIS, AS IT WILL DESTROY WHAT IS LEFT OF THE FAMILY. THE ATTORNEY WAS VERY FRANK AND SAID IF WE DO THIS IT WILL HURT BUT SAVE YOU FROM THE GUILT THAT YOU ARE FEELING FROM WHAT THEY HAVE DONE TO YOU. HE SAID FIRST OF ALL THE DOCTOR WHICH IS A DO SHOULD BE IN TROUBLE FOR ALL THE MEDICATION HE HAD MOM ON WHICH INCLUDED METADONE, LEXAPRO, SEROQUEL, XANAX AND AMBIEN. HE SAID HE BETTER HAVE SOME DOCUMENTATION TO STAND BEHIND THOSE DRUGS, AND THE HOMEHEALTH, DRS. OFFICE BETTER HAVE MY CALLS AND CONCERNS DOCUMENTED. ALSO THE PHONE CALLS I MADE TRYING TO FINDOUT WHERE TO TAKE HER TO GET HEART MONITOR AND THE LENGTH OF TIME IT TOOK ME CAN ALL BE EVIDENCE OF HOW MUCH I DID JUST TO GET HER WHERE SHE WAS SUPPOSE TO BE. APS DOES NOT HAVE LEG TO STAND ON, HE THOUGHT DAUGHTERS SHOULD HAVE HELPED INSTEAD OF WAITING AND TELLING ME HOW TO DO A JOB. AS FAR AS TAKING CARE OF MYSELF. RIGHT NOW I AM A BASKET CASE. I NEED TO GO BACK TO WORK AND SURE IT WOULD BE GOOD FOR ME, BUT NEED TO GET THIS BEHIND ME. IT FEELS ALMOST LIKE A DEATH IN THE FAMILY. VERY SAD

I'm very proud of your actions about the Atty. today and I hope you fell stronger and better for having been proactive!


Wow! I recognize almost EVERY ONE OF THOSE MEDICATIONS!!! Several of them really should only be given to a person my a psychiatrist. I've been on seroquel and know what it does! I'm glad to be off of it.

Frankly, if this destroys what's left of your family, then the system itself was already fallen apart long before this.

I was threatened with this several times in taking care of my mother for five years. When I first arrived to take care of her, I realized that this "friend" she had was really a boyfriend that she was very attached to and were considering getting married. They were together constantly in the afternoon and evening. He gradually went downhill with alzheimers and was transferred to a nursing home across town. I do not drive due to vision problems, and mom had been told by her doctor not to drive due to morphine patch on her back for back pain. I was accused of, first of all, not letting her drive. I had to go and get a written statement from the doctor and present it to the ombudsman. She even went as far as to try and rent a car behind my back while I was at a doctor appointment. The second time, she wanted me to spend $400 in cab fares back and forth to the nursing home to visit her boyfriend every day, staying until after the buses quit running. She went to an attorney that time, I was forced into it. There was no way out of it that I could see then to get out of it. Her boyfriend passed away last year, now I am still trying to pay back charge cards that I should not have gotten into. Now she is in nursing home, as she was falling down a lot and I was having health problems. Now she is angry about being in the nursing home, does not understand why she is there, and wants all her property back and control of her finances (what little she has left after paying for the nursing home). She is suing my sister for putting her in the nursing home and we have a court date in two weeks. My sister does have an attorney but I do not. I stated right about front I did not want to get involved, but slowly I am being dragged into this on both sides and the finances may be my ruination.

lmw124

Your story is an example of why our aging parents need to give us adult children durable and medical power of atty before they get in really bad shape as well as having them evaluated for being competent or incompentent for handeling their own business in a business like manner which obvriously your mother has not been in some time. When you have such a statement by one and perferably two doctors that is noterized then, she could not have gone over your head and created all of this financial mess. I think both you and your sister need the atty for from what I understand you to say that both of you are being sued. There is really no way that you can stay on the outside of all of this. You mother does not need to have control of her money and property once again. It sounds like ya'll might need to pursue guardianship being assigned to her by the court.

How can she afford an atty to sue ya'll if she does not have control of her money anymore?

Sounds to me like your mother used you both coming and going as well as now not seeing you as useful anymore and thus wants to suck even more of life out of you just like someone with a personaiity disorder does in order to make themselves feel like they are the victim when in fact they have victimized others.

I ran into this when my father was living alone. He had dementia and was on the waiting list for an assisted living arrangement. I was living in another state. A well-intentioned neighbor phoned adult protective services, becase he rescued my father before he nearly froze to death in a car on a cold winter's day when he could not remember how to unlock the door (dementia). He assumed the guy was living alone with nobody looking after him.

It took me several phone calls to document that he was on a waiting list and as soon as something opened up, I was moving my father to assisted living.

I agree about the court appointed guardian, that is what my sister has been looking into the last few days. Yes, I do feel like I have been victimized, on both sides, for getting caught in the middle of this, mom challenging us on this guardianship thing, and having moved in with my sister and half of my and mom's stuff still out in the garage.
We did have mom evaluated, cost us $1,200 and he said she was okay, this is crazy. She got all dressed up, tried to show
that she was in control and really buffaloed him. However, some of things she has tried recently should have them worried. Trying to walk down the hall with her walker when she is supposed to have a worker helping with the belt around her, walking around her room without her walker, and asking the workers to walk her without the walker down the hall just to see if she can do it and forgetting meals and not realizing when it is time to take her medications.
Thanks for listening and helping to get me straightened out. I should have gone for this guardianship thing long when I was in Minnesota, before this thing mushroomed on me.

lmw124


What sort of a quack of a doctor was he? Cost that much? That is crazzy? And the doctor did not ask for any input from you and/or your sister? My mother's neurologist has known her for several years while she's been having these seiziers which climaxed with one big stroke. He had no problem at all seeing her incopentency with the standard verbal and written tests. The nursing home doctor who had only known my mother a few weeks could clearly see how incompetent my mother had become.

The more I read of your story the more angry I feel for you and your sister!

I've read so many mean, abusive mom stories on this site, that I could almost say something very blunt and harsh but I will refrain.

I had charges brought om me by a nurse who called APS and after they left and I was shaking I called my daughter who works in Social S ervice in another county and she said they have no power and I found out the 2 women who came to the house were case workers not social workers and nothing came of it and people in my church said they would write letters to social service for me and the sad thing was it was him that was verbably abusing me and had physically abused me and the kids years ago until he was reported by a counsuler I was seeing and even though the charges were valid nothing came of it but he did stop the physical abuse but not the verbal abuse which continued up until the day before his last trip to the hospital.

O this is scary! Crowemagnum, you have righteous anger in a case such as this. Imw124, my heart goes out to you. Getting Guardianship is not the answer, as Mom can ask for another every six months, which is within her rights. And they grant it at their request, whether they are "competent" or not. And the courts appoint an attorney to "investigate" any allegations of abuse she may have against you. It's her word against yours, with court-appointed doctors standing by to "help." They know you can't fight the courts, as you probably spent all your money taking care of Mom. Seems they stand to gain something financially from Mom and from you, with no protection for you or Mom. Elder abuse by an adult child as Caregiver is easier to prosecute than opportunistic attorneys. Who's going to believe or protect a falsely charged "abusive," or so-called "over-controlling" Caregiver??? What was meant to protect the innocent, can be used against the innocent as well. Talk about Elder abuse! Makes me wonder who we can trust these days. Thank God he knows the truth, and that the battle and vengeance is his. We fight this one on our knees, and sometimes with the help of expensive self-defense. Tragic!

well the only person i can thank for it is god i went through it and i won cause my family was the one that was incompetent ...the accuse me of this and boy was it a mess but i ended up winning for one theres got be proof. i wrote way back what my family did they even call state in on me they came to the house unexpectant and when they got there it was scary but they walk in and they were really nasty to me they question my dad and i will tell you the questions. i ask the woman why she was here and i tell you there were three of them two women and a man they told me they got a report that my dad was being abuse..and i said WHAT????? she said "yes" may i speak to ur dad i told her he was in his room watching t.v. and the cute part i just gave my dad his bath i gave him a bath three times a week he had pancakes sausages and eggs for breakfast and mind you my dad had four pancakes 3 eggs and 3 sauages (hahhah) my dad can eat, alittle he was ....she went back to his room i walk with her i introduce her to dad ....and the b---ch was rude she said "hello john" I excuse myself and said 'MY DAD EARN HIS NAME, TO YOU HE IS MR.BRUCE' she said im sorry she redid it and said hello mr. bruce dad spoke back she introduce herself and told him why she was here she as me to leave. she would like to ask dad some questions...and trust me i wasn't worried so i left and went back to the room where the other two was at...they tried to make convert but i answered short and sweet finally i went back to his room i stood at the door and listen i heard her ask dad does he eat his meals 3 times a day he responded back and said "IM NOT A LUNCH PERSON BUT BRKFST AND DINNER IS WHAT I LIKE she ask him does he get his bath on regular basis he responded and said YES i just got through with a bath before i had brkfst...then she ask him do you feel that ur daughter is taking very good care of you??? he responded and i quote "YES MY DAUGHTER TAKE GOOD CARE OF ME SHE HERE WITH ME ALL THE TIME I WOULDN'T KNOW WHAT I WILL DO WITH OUT HER CAUSE HER OTHER SISTERS DON'T GIVE A DAME AND THEN HE ASK HER WHO ARE YOU AND WHY ARE YOU ASKING ME THESE QUESTIONS! ooooh i cried and then i laughed it was so funny and it was hurting too..i went back to the room where the others were and about few seconds later the lady came out she look around the house all three of them and she said ur home is very pretty and nice..and i answered back this is not my home this is my parents home they ask me question and one perticualar question got me she aske me that do any of my family come down to see him especially the one that LIVES down the street when she said that i knew it was the family that reported i couldn'e beleive it as time went on i got a report in the mail and said they found NO findings of what was reported i called my oldest brother and told him. that MF knew about and didn't even tell me he told me that he didn't think they would do it i ask him who??? HE WOULDN'T TELL ME BUT I KNEW WHO IT WAS IT WAS CRAZT these people were planning to take dad out of the house that day because of what was reported but it didn't work ...then when the court came through about it they all had to teslify on this and they couldn't cause none of them came down to see dad. i won this part i may got strip down from the others but my dad knew i was not abusing him and they knew it to..LIES its what my family is about that had to find something to get me out of the house and that was their last hope of reporting me that i was abusing (VINDICTIVE)...but you know what??? GOD DON'T LIKE UGLY" i was truly blessed and savored cause of the dad i had that knew i wouldn't do nothing to harm him.

Bless you Msdiva--you did not let them intimidate you. When APS came to my home I was outside working in the yard-my husband was in his hospital bed and I checked on him every 20 min and he was able to get in and out of bed by himself and a commode was next to the bed besides 8-10 urinals on the other bed railing. I had locked the front door because I was also in the back yard at times and there had been breakins in our area so when this Amazon of a women got out of her car and said who she was I said I wanted to give her some background but she said she wanted to see my husband I said fine I need to turn off the hose and unlock the door she yelled YOU LOCKED HIM IN THE HOUSE I laughed and said no and explained why it was locked I felt like saying stupid you can not lock someone in the house. Of course my husband played it up and acted half dead later that day he was outside lifting heavy flagstones and fixing the walk and using a chainsaw to prune trees-I called her and invited her back to see that but of course she did not she had told me that day she was going to push me out of the picture and have me pay for 24/7 care for him she was a big bag of wind-no report was ever made and she was not even a social worker but was a case worker. A few weeks later a man came along running for political office and I mentioned it to him and he was involved in social service in our county and the next one up the line and knew our daughter who is a case worker in the other county and this person she was no lady was reported and he followed up on it and nothing came out of it and my daughter said they do not have any power and you do not have to answer their questions, her co-workers in APS said they were embarassed how it was handled in our county. So if ant one else is in that situation do not get upset tell them you are calling your lawyer even if you do not have one at the time-and the sad part I was the one being abused by him.

Thank you, Austin. These can be very upsetting and intimidating. The worst is being backstabbed by a "loved one." Where elders are concerned, it seems we're first guilty until proven innocent, not the other way around. And they do send in the Amazon people to throw their weight around.

my. hearing all these stories, i think i am glad i am out of my mothers house and letting my daughters take care of her. i have seen my mother eat, her cereal drip down her chin and i swear act like she was in another world. the daughers call, she gets up gets herself dressed and acts like she is wonderful. my mother can fool everyone but me. when you live in the house, you see what really goes on and for my 2 daughters to blame me and say there is nothing wrong with grandma. and yes mom will do good for a month maybe 2 then she goes down, and i have always been there to jump in take care of her. but now i am washing my hands. i not only took care of my mother. my brother is 58 disabled from alcohol and accidents. he can no longer work, drive is on disability to the tune of 1800 a month. wants 500 benadryl and tylenol a week and i am stupid enough to buy it for him, and it hits me. dang he is doing meth. his teeth rotted out i took him to dentist, dentist said worst meth mouth i have ever seen will not touch him. so yep i am glad the daughters are taking care of this mess. and my mom has enabled my brother for years and years, and i have been the one to always come to rescue but dang i think this site and all of your encouraging words are making me see the light. take care of yourself......