Sigh. Yesterday got into it with Mom. It ruins my whole day, and of course ten minutes later, she forgets the whole thing. I took her to the doctor (clean bill of health - 101 yrs next month). I took her to lunch - the usual, she eats 1/2 of a child's burger and wraps the rest in a napkin, plays with the fries, drinks the chocolate milk (of course)
She is very very slow because she refuses to use a walker, only a cane, and is very unsteady. She is old, old old - and refuses the help she needs, won't accept her age - very stubborn. Over the years taking her to the grocery store meant she picks up ridiculous things and puts them in the basket, nothing she would eat. Then she would say she's tired and wants to go home, halfway up the first aisle. She can't work the little driving cart, refuses to get in a wheel chair, etc. I don't dare let go of her in the store in case she falls.
Big mistake on my part, I told her I would take her back to AL and then go shopping for her "snacks" (ensure, yogurt, cookies, milk, ice cream - all she WILL eat) She has no stove, only a microwave she doesn't know how to use. She can't even work the coffee pot any more. She said she was coming with me. I told her it would be easier for me to do it. She proceeded to tell me she needed a lot of groceries so she could cook her dinners in her room. Dumb me - I said Mom you don't cook in your room, you have no stove. "oh yes, I do". "what?" I say. "I heat up things. I need tv dinners (six years ago she might have but since then, in IL we would find them all, opened half cooked, not eaten in the garbage) So, on went the argument with her insisting she go with me. I had to pull to the side of the road to calm down. So I did the only thing I could do - took her back to AL, grabbed an aide and suggested that Mom needed dessert. Then I went shopping, sneaked into her room without her seeing me, filled the fridge, etc and left.
Feeling guilty, I know she longs for the old times when she could do all those things like shop (which was her only interest her whole life) and my heart breaks for her. But I chose the easier path - much better to disagree in the car and get AL to distract her than to have a fight with her in the grocery store about why she can't buy lamb chops and tv dinners. I'm sure she has forgotten the whole thing, but this will stay with me for days.
Sometimes it helps me a little when an outsider (MIL's doctor, PT, or even the lady behind us in the store) recognizes that MIL is stubborn and giving me a hard time, says to me "you are doing a great job with her" and gives me a little smile of understanding. This is a hard job we have some days, and just a little encouragement helps get through the hard days so we make it to the next good one. Sending you some [[[hugs]]] and encouragement -- you ARE doing great, don't forget it!
Mom is so impossible. She won't shower, lies that she does, fights AL when they try to help her. Yesterday she smelled like poo, so I know she is not clean again. They try so hard at AL to work with her.
The doctor told her she needs a walker she is so unsteady, she argued. I talked to her, she argued. A few hours ago I received a call from AL - she had stood up, lost her balance and fallen and they sent her off to the hospital because she hit her head. Neither my sister nor I can go, we both have night dept perception problems and can't drive after dark. The hospital said she is ok so they probably sent her back to AL by now. AL told my sister "she usually refuses to go to the hospital" meaning she falls all the time. In IL, she would fall and would not allow them to tell us. (In IL they have the legal responsibility to respect the resident's wishes as it is "assumed" they are mentis compas.
Sigh, I am so tired of this. Every time the phone rings I wonder if this will be the fall that either cripples her or kills her. For some reason she lives a charmed life and dozens of falls and the worst she has had was some bumps and bruises and a cut on her head. Sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh............