Jokes needed to lighten our day. Enter at your own risk!

A journalist asked a 100 year
old man what was his secret for longevity.

“I don’t argue with idiots,” the man replied.

“What?!” answered the journalist, “There’s no way that’s related to a long life!”

“You’re probably right,” the old man said.

Why is a dog better than your wife ? 

Lock your dog and your wife in the trunk of your car and open it after a bit.

Guess who’ll be happy to see you.

I put a map of the world up and gave my wife a dart and said wherever it lands we will take a two week vacation there.

We are going to spend two weeks under the fridge.

Husband singing along to music.

Me: Who sings this song?

Husband: names artist.

Me: Let’s keep it that way.

A husband and wife who work for the circus go to an adoption agency looking to adopt a child, but the social workers there raise doubts about their suitability.

So the couple produces photos of their 50-foot motor home, which is clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery.

The social workers are satisfied by this but then raise concerns about the kind of education a child would receive while in the couple’s care.

The husband puts their mind at ease, saying, “We’ve arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin, and computer skills.”

Next though, the social workers express concern about a child being raised in a circus environment.

This time the wife explains, “Our nanny is a certified expert in pediatric care, welfare, and diet.”

The social workers are finally - satisfied - and ask the couple, “What age child are you hoping to adopt?”

The husband says, “It doesn’t really matter, as long as the kid fits in the cannon.”

A Husband and Wife went shopping together just before Christmas. The wife quickly noticed that her husband was missing, and because they had a lot to do she called him on his cell phone.

After the husband picked up the phone, his wife said, "Where are you, you know we have lots to do!"

He said, "You remember the jewelers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you?"

Little tears flowed down her cheeks and she got all choked up and said, "Yes, I do remember that shop!!!"

"Well I am in the yoyo shop next door to that.

Wife says to Husband, "Make me feel like a woman!"

Husband takes off shirt, hands it to Wife and says, "Iron that"

An old man is laying in bed, he only has a day or two left. He wakes up to the smell of his favourite thing in the world, chocolate chip cookies baking in the kitchen. So he musters all his energy and pulls himself out of bed and then drags himself down to the kitchen because he can no longer walk. He makes his way into the kitchen and using the last of his strength he reaches for the plate of cookies on the counter and just as he is about to grab one of his prizes his wife slaps his hand away and says, "Don't eat those cookies they're for the funeral!"

I asked my husband why he married me.

He said, 'It was your striking natural beauty."

She said, "I thought it was my witty and intelligent brain."

He said "See, you looked great saying that!"

A guy sits down at the bar and orders drink after drink.

“Is everything okay pal?” the bartender asks.

“My wife and I got into a fight and she isn’t talking to me for a month!”

The bartender says, “Well, maybe that’s kind of a good thing. You know,..a little peace and quiet?”

“Yea. But today is the last day!”

A married man approaches a woman in the supermarket and says: "I've lost my wife in the aisles... Do you mind if we talk for a while?"

She asks him, "Wouldn't it be better to look for her than to talk to me?"

And the married man answers her: "But it won't be necessary... every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere...".

There are no funny lawyers – only funny people who made a career mistake.

A Lawyer will do anything to win a case, sometimes he will even tell the truth.

The minute you read something that you can’t understand, you can almost be sure that it was drawn up by a lawyer.

🤪 Only Lawyers and mental defectives are automatically exempt for jury duty.

The first thing we do, let’s kill all the lawyers. – William Shakespeare

A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer.

There are three sorts of lawyers – able, unable and lamentable.

I made a chemistry joke.
There was no reaction.
🥺

Chemists 🥰
have all the solutions of course.

Without music, car rides would be really awkward.

Eyelashes are supposed to keep things from getting into your eyes. But the only thing that keeps getting into my eyes are eyelashes.

It’s eye-ronic.

Sorry, I’m late! 
Traffic is exactly how it’s been every day for the past five years and I was not expecting that.

My biggest issue with meetings is that, despite their name, they are rarely about me.

Maybe this world is another planet's hell.

If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn't.

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

After accomplishing a goal just look around to see whether you lost something or someone.

Pair up in threes.

No one goes there nowadays, it’s too crowded.