Jokes needed to lighten our day. Enter at your own risk!

What are the three worst words a person can hear while making love?

"Honey, I'm home"

My girlfriend is always stealing my t-shirts and sweaters...
But if I take one of her dresses, suddenly "we need to talk".

A woman needs an Elder Lawyer, so she goes on line and finds the firm of Steinberg, Steinberg, Steinberg and Steinberg. She calls and an old man answers the phone.
"May I speak to Mr. Steinberg, please?" she asks.
"I'm sorry," the old man says, "Mr Steinberg is in court today."
"Then let me speak to Mr Steinberg," she says.
"Mr Steinberg is playing golf and won't be back until two."
"Then let me speak to Mr Steinberg," she says.
"Mr Steinberg retired a year ago and is no longer with the firm."
"Then let me speak to Mr Steinberg," she says.
The old man says, "Speaking."

Two nuns having a bath together to save water.
One asks "Where's the soap?
And the other replied, "It does, doesn't it."

Don't worry my sister told me this one when I was about seven and it took me years to get it! The next one took a long time too!!!!

Two nuns riding a tandem took a short cut down a steep cobbled road.
The one at the front said, "I have never come this way before."
And the one behind her said "Neither have I."

How does Mario Andretti's mother know which are her son's underwear?


By the skid marks,,,, :-(

President Trump goes to London to visit the Queen of England.
While they were riding in the Queen's golden carriage, one of the horses was suffering from flatulence and the Trump tried to hold his breath because the smell was terrible. This happened several times and the POTUS was visibly having trouble breathing.
The Queen noticed his discomfort and said " I am most awfully sorry about the unpleasant odor."
To which he replied "No problem your Highness, I thought it was the horses."

Poor taste warning, read AYOR

A man is out jogging when he stops to pay respects to a funeral procession.
At the front was a man walking a large dog, followed by the hearse and then a lot of people walking in single file.
Intrigued he asked the man with the dog to explain the strange entourage.
Well, said the guy, this is my dog and he killed my mother in law who is in the hearse.
Wow, said the jogger, could you lend me your dog?
Of course, the man replied, but you will have to join the line of people walking behind the hearse and wait for your turn.

I forgot my cell phone when I went to the toilet yesterday.
We have 245 tiles.

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

A young lady marries an ornery old farmer thinking of all the land he will leave her when he dies. She bought him the horse and cart he asked for as a wedding present. After the wedding they were riding in the cart back to the farm when the horse farted. "First warning!" growled the old farmer and they continued their journey. Once again the horse farted and the old farmer growled "Second warning!" About twenty minutes later, the horse farted again and the old farmer growled "Third warning!" then got down from the cart and shot the horse dead. The young lady was shocked and angry and said "That was my present and you should not have shot the poor horse!" The old man growled back at her, "First warning!"

An old man with four sons died and after the funeral his sons were carrying the coffin on their shoulders out of the chapel to the graveyard. As they were leaving the chapel the youngest son, Charlie, tripped on the steps and stumbled to his knees causing the coffin to crash heavily to the ground where the lid sprang open and the body rolled out and the old man opened his eyes and awoke from his eternal rest. It's a miracle enthused the chaplain and all gave praise to God for his mercy.
The old man lived on for another six years until he died for the second time.
After the funeral as his sons where once again carrying the coffin out of the chapel three voices rang out in unison, "Mind the steps, Charlie!"

An old lady walks into a sex shop and asks for a dildo.
The attendant patiently asks what type of dildo she wants because they come in many different sizes and colors.
I want that red one exclaims the old lady, rather breathlessly.
!What" exclaimed the surprised shop assistant "that is a fire extinguisher"
and the old lady replied "Yes, exactly!"

Loving it thanks.

80 % of the brain is fluid.
Unfortunately, in my case, it's brake fluid ;)

Oh BuzzyBee, A double snort of laughter!!! Thank you so much

A longer one - worth reading to the end.
**********************
An elderly woman, well into her eighties, slowly entered the front door of a 'Sex Shop'. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she wobbled the few feet across to the counter.
 
Finally grabbing the counter for support, and s-tut-ter- ing, she asked the sales clerk, "Dooo youuuu have dilllldooos?"
 
The clerk, (trying hard not to laugh), politely replied, "Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many different models. . ."
 
The old woman then asked: "Doooo youuuu carry aaa pppinkk onnee, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt ttwoo inchesss ththiickk ... aaand rrunns on bbaatteries?"
 
Trying not to laugh, and with a little smile creeping around his mouth, the clerk responded, "Yes, yes we do."
 
She stammered, "Dddooo yyoouu kknnnooww hhhoww ttooo ttturrrnn iittt offff?"

I'm changing my name to 'Benefits' on Facebook.
Next time someone adds me, It will say "you are now friends with Benefits."

I don't have a joke to add, but I sometimes do videos of me and Mom to share on my blog. Some of you care giving for your parents may find this ornery old lady as funny as me!
www.stumpedtowndementia.com/blog-1/terms-of-indifference

“Oh no, Roger, why did you two split up?” 
 “She’s a liar and a cheat! She said she was the whole night at her sister’s!”
 “So? Maybe she was.”
 “Yeah, no way. I was the whole night at her sister’s!”

Why don't witches wear panties?
They get a better grip on their brooms!


my bad :)

I think my neighbour is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer.
I saw it through my telescope last night.

I posed this question to my thoughtful father:
"If you could have any superpower in the world, what would it be?"
He replied, "Russia."

So I have a question.

If I am from Poland, people will call me a pole. Does that mean if I'm from Holland they will call me a hole?😁

It’s been raining for days now and my husband seems very depressed by it. 
He keeps standing by the window, staring.
If it continues, I’m going to have to let him in.

A robber robs a bank, gets all the money and is about to leave, but before that he asks a customer who’s lying on the floor,
“Have you seen me rob this bank?”
“Yes, sir,” says the customer and gets promptly shot. 
“Have you seen me rob this bank?” the robber asks another customer.
“Absolutely not, sir, but my wife here saw everything!”

What does the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
"Aye Matey."


Thought it was time for a silly one. :)

Q: What do you call a man who lures women into his place and turns them into ghastly freaks?

A: A 1980’s hairdresser!

My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.

I went through an expensive and painful procedure yesterday, having had my spine and both testicles removed.
Still, some of the wedding presents were fantastic.

So great thank you all for the laugh I needed that thank you