Jokes needed to lighten our day. Enter at your own risk!

An old man goes to the doctor. "Doc," he says, "there's something stuck in my ear!"
The doctor looks in the old man's ear. "It looks like a suppository," he says.
"Well," says the old man, "now I know what happened to my hearing aid."

Want to hear a room full of sweet little old ladies cuss?
Have another sweet little old lady holler: BINGO!

Love it!

Don't let your worries get the best of you.
Remember, Moses started out as a basket case.

Why did the Zen master refuse Novocaine when he had his tooth pulled?
He wanted to transcend dental medication.

Why is the butt divided vertically and not horizontally?
It would clap nicely if you ran down the stairs.

Ok, now stop imagining it. lol

Last night, I dreamt I was drowning in an orange sea.
It rook me a while to realise it was just a Fanta Sea.

BB, that is hilarious.

My husband and I joke like that, so it tickled me to see others find that humor humorous.

We have new friends wonder if we are going to start scrapping when we joke, old ones play along and get involved.

Laughter dooth good like medicine.

This is a long one, but it tickled me. :)

A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note saying, 
"I've had enough and left you, don't bother coming after me." She then hid under the bed to watch his reaction.
 After a short while the husband came home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he came into the bedroom.She watched him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note. 
After a few minutes he wrote something on it before he picked up the phone and called someone. "She's finally gone ... Yeah, I know, about bloody time. I'm coming to pick you up. Put on the sexy french stuff. I love you."
He hung up, grabbed his car keys and left. 
She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed, seething with rage. With tears in her eyes she grabbed the note to see what he'd written:
"I can see your feet. Stop being retarded. We're outta bread, throw the kettle on. Back in 5 minutes."

Why men's voice is louder than women? Men have an antenna.

I lost my job at the bank on my very first day.
A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

My cousin, Paula, is caring for her 92-year-old father in Florida. She posted this during the recent hurricane and I just had to share...
"Dad was glued to the television today. This is the first time he’s seen a hurricane play by play on the television. It was very surreal to him, and I don’t think he completely understood. Having lived in California for so long, he couldn’t quite grasp the concept of hours and days of winds and pouring rain. As a result of the bad weather, we get the warnings across the television screen about tornadoes and wind gusts. Dad had to put his own spin on this because today was shower day...
Dad calls me out of the office and says, “There’s a severe alert.” I say, “What’s that?" He says, "There’s a warning about showers." I said “Yes, there are severe showers.” He says "No, there’s a risk of danger for people to take showers at this time." I looked at him and said “What?” Dad said, “Yes, there’s a risk of death for anyone to take a shower during a hurricane.” He said “If we can put this off for a day or so, you might be saving a life” I almost doubled over I was laughing so hard. He received a pardon until tomorrow for the best delivery of ‘funny’ of the day."

I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is... Scaring men is easy.

Imagine this joke told by an elderly lady with an Eastern European accent, which is who I heard it from:

A man went to the doctor for a check up. At the end of it the doctor presented the man with a large bill for his services. The man paid it, saying to himself, "That is OK, he must live."

The man went to see the pharmacist to fill the prescription the doctor had given him. The prescription was quite expensive. But the man paid it, thinking, "That is OK, he must live."

The man then went home, went upstairs and threw the prescription out the window, thinking to himself "_I_ must live!"

I love the jokes, BuzzyBee!

BuzzyBee,
In the title , "Enter at your own risk" covers it ALL!

You are doing a fine job lifting our spirits!

We all know that the mathematician was writing down how many prunes he would need to work his problem out. They always use #2 pencils on all their problems.

So you are ok! No judgment here. Lol.

What do you call a bear with no teeth?

A gummy bear

Keep them coming BuzzyBee, I like your jokes. I think I had heard the mathematician joke before, but it's still funny (and punny).

Please excuse the last two jokes.

I will stop posting for a while and let someone else have a go. :)

Firstly ignore the joke below about the mathematician (I am trying to get it removed - sorry)


Why do we consider chickens as friendly animals? 
-
Because they lay their eggs instead of throwing them.

Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
He worked his problem out with a number two pencil.

Ok, BuzzyBee, I laughed so hard I snorted at the dentist joke!!! I adore your sense of humor Keep 'em coming!

My dad sent me to a psychiatrist for wearing his bra again.

A woman says to the dentist "I don't know which is worse having a tooth pulled or having a Baby."
The dentist says "Well make up your mind I gotta adjust the chair!"

Nurse: "We need a stool sample and a urine sample."
Man to wife: "What did she say?"
Wife to husband: "They want your underwear."

A man walked into a bar with asphalt on his arm and said
"Two beers please, and one for the road."

************

Milk is the fastest liquid on earth.
Its pasteurised before you know it.

Sold the house and bought an RV. The kids can't move back home if they can't find it.

So you mean to tell me a stress ball isn't for throwing at people who stress you out?

The elevator to success is out of order.
You'll have to use the stairs... one step at a time.

**********

A dad is washing the car with his son.
After a moment, the son asks his father, "Do you think we could use a sponge instead?"

Turning vegan is a big missed steak.

********************

The recipe said "Set the oven to 180 degrees" so I did, but now I can't open it because the door faces the wall.