Jokes needed to lighten our day. Enter at your own risk!

Old guy working out in the gym with his trainer. A pretty young girl walks into the gym. The old guy asked his trainer "what machine do you think I should use to impress her"? The trainer looks at the girl then looks at the old guy and says "The ATM in the lobby". Bam Dum dum...

A guy went to a zoo hoping to see a lot of different animals, but all they had was one little dog. It was a shih tzu.

tgengine, I told my son that one. He says if you play one of those songs backward it will be the plot to the Stephen King novel Christine.

A week after John bought a bull, he complained to his friend, “All that bull does is eat grass. Won’t even look at a cow.”

“Take him to the vet,” his friend suggested.

The next week, John is much happier. “The vet gave him some pills, and the bull serviced all of my cows!” he told his pal. “Then he broke through the fence and bred with all my neighbour's cows! He’s like a machine!”

“What kind of pills were they?” asked the friend.

“I don’t know, but they’ve got a peppermint taste.”

The mother superior had summoned all the nuns in the convent. She explained that the interior of their sleeping quarters was in bad need of paint, the budget was tight, so to save money they would do the painting themselves. She cautioned them to not get any paint on their clothes.

The nuns get the job started and immediately sister Mary Margaret gets a paint smudge on her habit. One of the younger nuns has a good idea....Why don’t we pull the shades, lock the door and take off our clothes? They all agreed, disrobed and got back to work.

A few minutes later there’s a knock at the door. WHO IS IT? A voice says...ITS THE BLIND GUY! A young nun, thinking no harm could come of this, opens the door. Guy says...WHOA! NICE T...s GIRLS! WHERE DO YOU WANT THESE BLINDS?

Country music is excited about the new "self driving cars". Soon they can write a song about the cowboy who's "truck" left him!

Sign on office coffee maker: Don't make fun of our coffee. You'll be old and weak yourself someday.

SMART A$$ ANSWER #3

The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the officer said.
The kid replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.'
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.


SMART A$$ ANSWER #4

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?'
The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.'

SMART A$$ ANSWER #1

It was mealtime during an airline flight.
'Would you like dinner?', the flight attendant asked John, seated in front..
'What are my choices?' John asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied.


SMART A$$ ANSWER #2

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.'

Rich lady to her chauffeur: "James, drive off a cliff. I want to commit suicide."

My wife got stung by a bee on the forehead. She's at the ER now, her face all swollen and bruised, she almost died. Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel.

After my wife died I couldn’t look at women for 20 years.......

...........but when I got out of prison, it was totally worth it.

I liked John Cooper Clarke's take on post-divorce splits - "...so we split the house, I got the outside..."

WindyRidge - funny jokes. :D

Why is a tornado like a hillbilly divorce?

Cause in either event somebody’s gonna lose a mobile home.

Hillbilly joke: Do you know why it's so hard to solve crimes in Alabama/West Virginia/Kentucky (insert redneck state)?

Because there's no dental records and everybody's DNA is the same.

Ok...How bout hillbilly jokes...

Did you know the toothbrush was invented in Alabama/West Virginia/ Kentucky ( Insert any redneck state here)

Cause if had been invented anywhere else it would be called a TEETH brush.

OMG....The French foreign legion/camel jokes....Enough already.

We should just do the punch lines.....ITS YOUR NIGHT IN THE BARREL....Just fill in the blanks.

Someday Lu,
You'll be the leader of a big ole band, and people from miles around will come and see you til the sun goes down!

Just came from the popular abbreviation pages.
CG stands for CareGiver!
What happened, are ya all d, e, f, ??

Uh,can't do it Send,sorry,but my marimba doesn't play Country or Rock,just songs like
"Mexicalli Rose" and "Hungarian Dance #5" and ofcourse "Love Makes The World Go Round".
Thanks anyway though~

Calling up my friend now so she can play in a bad country band or a rock n roll band with her Marimba.

P bear, it’s the musical note C and then the Note G.

If you playing a simple country song in the key of C for example, the bass will play these 2 notes quite a bit in an alternating pattern. There will probably be an F in there as well. It’s the OOMPA SOUND.  Like a tuba.


The three principal chords in the key of C are C, F, and G.  If you can play these 3 notes you can play bass in a basic country band...Or rock band...Or polka.....

A French foreign legion unit has a new captain, and the sergeant is showing him around. They see a camel, and the captain asks what it is for. The sergeant is clearly embarrassed , and says," Well, sir, we're a long way from wives and girlfriends and, well, the men have needs."

The captain wants to show that he is one of the guys and that the sergeant has nothing to be embarrassed about. He says, "I think I'll give that a try." He makes use of the camel's services, and then finds the sergeant staring at him in amazement. He says, "Well, Sergeant, isn't that the way the men do it?" The sergeant replies, "No sir. They use the camel to ride into town where there's a brothel."

Polar! - C, G is the most you can expect a bass player to concentrate on at any given time.

Haven't I heard some of these as viola player jokes?

As in, which is the best person to pick for your string quartet?

Santa Claus
The Pied Piper of Hamelin
A slow viola player
A quick viola player

Answer: the slow viola player. The others do not exist in reality.

Windyridge - I don't get what CG is.

DEFINITION OF PERFECT PITCH

When you throw the accordion in the dumpster and it lands right on top the banjo.

HOW TO TUNE A BANJO

STEP 1

Give up....


HOW DO YOU GET A DRUMMER OFF YOUR FRONT PORCH?

Pay for the pizza......


WHAT DO YOU CALL A BASS PLAYER WHOSE GIRLFRIEND JUST BROKE UP WITH HIM?

Homeless

HOW MANY GUITAR PLAYERS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB?

Just one....And 12 others to argue about how Clapton would have done it.

For the musicians out there........

The roll and roll band is having a good night. The bar is packed and they’re really in the groove. During a break a talent agent comes back stage, tells  the guys he loves their  sound, wants to sign them to a huge recording contract and start them on tour, all expenses paid.

They’re all estactic as they go back on stage. The lead guitar player is thinking about all the good drugs and groupies. The drummer is thinking how he can catch up on alimony, pay the mortgage and get a new car. The keyboard guy is thinking about the big boat and Harley he’s going to buy. The bass player is thinking....CG,CG,CG,CG................

A guy gets in lots of trouble, facing some hard time, so he runs off and joins the foreign legion. He ends up stationed in the middle of a vast desert. Many months go by. Poor guys about crazy. No booze, recreation, women, no nothing.

So he asks a comrade....What do you guts do for women out here? Guy says....Oh, once a year they’ll drive a heard of camels through and we take our pick. First guy....No f......... way I’d ever do that!

About a month later, guy wakes up, hears the thunder of hooves way out in the desert. He takes off running with all the other guts towards the herd of camels off in the distance. He notices there’s only 20 guys and there must be 100 camels. He yells to the next to him........Hey! What are we running for? There must be 100 camels?! Guy says.........Ya don’t want to get an ugly one do ya!?

TO BE SIX AGAIN

I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult, in order to accept the responsibilities of a 6 year old. The tax base is lower. I want to be six again.

I want to go to McDonald's and think it's the best place in the world to eat. I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make waves with rocks.

I want to think M&Ms are better than money, because you can eat them. I want to play kick-ball during recess.

I want to go to school and have snack time, recess, gym and field trips.

I want to be happy, because I don't know what should make me upset. I want to think the world is fair and everyone in it is honest and good.

I want to believe that anything is possible.

I want to think that everyone, including myself, will live forever, I want to be oblivious to the complications of life and be overly excited by the little things again.

I want television to be something I watch for fun, not something used for escape from the things I should be doing. I want to live knowing the little things that I find exciting will always make me as happy as when I first learned them. I want to be six again.

I want to be naive enough to think that if I'm happy, so is everyone else.

I want to walk down the beach and think only of the sand beneath my feet and the possibility of finding that blue piece of sea glass I'm looking for.

I want to spend my afternoons climbing trees & riding my bike, letting the grownups worry about time, the dentist and how to find the money to fix the old car.

I want to wonder what I'll do when I grow up and what I'll be, who I'll be and not worry about what I'll do if this doesn't work out. I want that time back.

I want to travel back and build a snowman, without thinking about anything except whether the snow sticks together and what I can possibly use for the snowman's mouth.

I want to be six again