Jokes needed to lighten our day. Enter at your own risk!

A few years ago my mom with dementia was worried about being buried with her parents about 3 hours away - so I said " no matter what, I'll get you there even if I have to wrap you in a tarp & put you on the roof with some xmas antlers on you & pretend you're a deer", to which she responded "I won't be the departed deer but the dearly departed" & really laughed

FYI ... she told 3 people within 10 minutes & never worried about it again

A woman was nagging her husband to cut the grass, to which the husband answered, "What do I look like to you? A landscaper?!" Next time the sink was dripping, she asked him again, "Honey, can you fix the faucet?" The husband replied, "What do I look like to you? A Plumber?!" Two days later, a light bulb went out and she begged him again, "Honey, can you change the light bulb?" His reply was, "What am I? An electrician?!" A few days later, the husband comes home from work to find that the lawn is cut, the faucet is fixed, the light bulb is changed. Very surprised, he says, "Honey, what happened here?" The wife replies, "You know our new next door neighbor? He came over and fixed everything." The husband says, "Honey, how did you pay him?!" "Oh, you know," the wife says, "he told me that I could either bake him a cake or have sex with him." Somewhat relieved the husband asks, "Whew, so what kind of a cake did you bake for him?" The wife replies, "Who do you think I am? Betty Crocker?!"

A husband, who has six children, begins to call his wife “mother of six” rather than by her first name.
The wife, amused at first, chuckles
A few years down the road, the wife has grown tired of this.
"Mother of six," he would say, "what’s for dinner tonight? Get me a beer!"
She gets very frustrated.
Finally, while attending a party with her husband, he jokingly yells out, "Mother of six, I think it's time to go!"
The wife immediately shouts back, "I'll be right with you, father of four!"

After 20 years of having sex in the dark, a woman found out her husband used a dildo to have sex with her. She confronted him: "Explain the dildo to me."

He responded: "Explain the children to me."

An explorer goes into an undiscovered tomb for the first time, and in the centre of the tomb there’s a lamp. She picks it up, and as she starts to rub the dirt off of it, a genie comes out of the lamp and says, “I want to know the person you hate the most.” The explorer says, “That’s gotta be my ex-husband. Why?” “I am a cursed genie. I will grant you three wishes, but whatever you wish for, your ex-husband will get double that amount.” “Okay, I wish for a billion dollars.” “Granted, but you ex-husband gets two billion dollars.” “I wish for a mansion in California with a swimming pool, and tennis courts, everything.” “Granted, and your ex-husband gets two." "Now make your final wish.” The explorer walks around for a few minutes, returns to the genie with a stick, and says, “You see this stick? I’d like you to beat me half to death.”

You're probably like me
(Not one to make a fuss)
But I can't stand it when a sentence doesn't end
The way I think it octopus


hehehe just a bit of memory problem

A couple are rushing into the hospital because the wife is going into labor. As they walk, a doctor says to them that he has invented a machine that splits the pain between the mother and father. They agree to it and are led into a room where they get hooked up to the machine. The doctor starts it off at 20% split towards the father. The wife says, "Oh, that's actually better." The husband says he can't feel anything. Then the doctor turns it to 50% and the wife says that it doesn't hurt nearly as much. The husband says he sill can't feel anything. The Doctor, now encouraged, turns it up to 100%. The husband still can't feel anything, and the wife is really happy, because there is now no pain for her. The baby is born. The couple go home and find the postman groaning in pain on the doorstep.

BuzzyBee,
That's a real "Thinker" of a joke and so true.I think broken bones don't hurt near as much as when someone stomps on my heart~
Thanks for sharing that one~

This one is a little evil, so be prepared. lol

Don't break anybody's heart; they only have 1. Break their bones; they have 206.

lol.
Isthisrealyreal
Now that IS funny. hehehe

I to use the alphabet when confronted with situations.

Indeed, you are correct I am

Beautiful
Intelligent
Talent
Charming and
Happy.

How did you know?

This is a true story:

My girl friend and I were driving from Las Vegas to LA, of course two young friends talking excitedly about the vacation they have just embarked on in my new T-Bird. Boy can that thing drive, I would have never guessed I was going 90 mph, so we get pulled over by highway patrol, I so do not want to start my vacation with a huge ticket.

This big gruff, mean looking patrol man gives me the what for, driving at such speeds kill. 

Me in my most innocent voice, apologizing profusely, I ask if instead of giving me a ticket, would it be okay if I bought a couple of tickets for the policemans ball?

In his gruffest manner, he looked me right in the eyes and said, "Lady, we're Highway Patrol, we don't have balls!"

After he picked up his dropped pen, he walked back to his car and drove off. Never looked our way again.

This was 35 years ago and I still laugh at how I beat that speeding ticket.

Wife: "How would you describe me?"
Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK."
Wife: "What does that mean?"
Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot."
Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"
Husband: "I'm just kidding!"

lol He should have kept his mouth shut (or stopped at the letter 'H')

Johnny was at school and the teacher said, "Someone use fascinate in a sentence."
Sally answered, "The zoo was fascinating."
The teacher said, "Sorry, Sally, I said to use fascinate in a sentence."
Maria suggested, "I was fascinated at the zoo."
Once again the teacher said, "No, Maria, I specifically said to use fascinate in a sentence."
Johnny said, "My sister has ten buttons on her sweater."
Again the teacher said, "Sorry, Johnny, I said use fascinate in a sentence."
Johnny replied, "I know, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten eight."

Here is one for Mother's Day.

A person receives a telegram informing him about his mother-in-law's death. It also inquires whether she should be buried or burnt.

He replies, "Don't take chances. Burn the body and bury the ashes."

Ok so this is kind of corny, but I thought it was funny. "What does a nosy pepper do?" It gets jalapeño business.

The young Indian boy had spent most of his life in a quandry.

.. He felt different yet couldn't figure why.

.. he was just so depressed. He went to the Chief for answers.

.. He asked the chief how his brother Red Deer Running had gotten his name.

The chief answered in his typically poetic way.

.."When Red Deer Running was born, at the moment of his birth, the first thing his mother saw was a beautiful deer running off into the forest.

.. and so Running Deer was named. It is the custom of our tribe to name the offspring according to the spirits in nature visiting upon the birth."Then, the boy said to the Chief.

.. And how did my sister "Thundering Bird" get her name? The chief described again, how at the moment of her birth Thundering Bird's mother had heard a roar of thunder and looking up, saw a bird flying in the sky.

The boy asked again, how his cousin "White Crouching Bear" had been given such a name.

.. And the chief, looking down once more at the boy, explaining the traditions of their tribe.

. White Bear's mother had seen a rare white bear crouched over a stream at the moment her baby's birth. Then he asked the boy.

.."Why do you ask, Two Dogs Humping?"

This isn't a joke but it's funny.

My brother came home from school and said they made singing clothespins today. He had a clothespin that was painted gold and had a design glued to it. He opened the clothespin wide and started signing one note. What he made was a note holder.

I cannot take credit for this one but I thought it was funny. :)

A blonde and a redhead have a ranch.
They have just lost their bull. The women need to buy another, but only have $500.
The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram."
She goes to the market and finds one for $499.
Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer.
Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word "comfortable." Sceptical, the operator asks, "How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?"
The redhead replies,

"She's a blonde so she reads slow: 'Come for ta bull.'"

Thanks and hugs to everyone for all the jokes!! I laughed so hard I cried at the deodorant stick joke. Felt ten years younger and happier afterwards!!

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

Anybody can roast beef.

What goes
99 Bonk?

A centipede with a wooden leg.

(99 soft legs one wooden)

What did Mickey Mouse do when Minnie almost drowned? He gave her mouse-to-mouse resuscitation.

Banks should put more money in their ATM's.
This was the tenth ATM that I tried this week that had insufficient funds!

Funny joke! A 90 year old man was having a birthday. Some of his buddies decided to send him a hooker for his birthday present. The young lady arrived at his door, knocked, and when he opened the door she said "hi, I'm here to give you super sex". He thought for a minute scratching his chin said "I'll have the soup".

Another good joke from an old tread. This one was contributed by AliBoBali 5 years ago.


Three old women are talking about their aches, pains and bodily dysfunctions.

One seventy-five year old woman says, "I have this problem. I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me twenty minutes to pee."

An eighty year old woman says, "My case is worse. I get up at eight and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement."

The ninety year old woman says, "At seven I pee like a horse, at eight I crap like a cow."

"So what's your problem?" asked the others.

"I don't wake up until nine."

Mickey and Minnie are in divorce court. The Judge says to Mickey...I can't grant you a divorce on the grounds that Minnie is a little silly. Mickey says....I didn't say she was silly...I said she was FRECKING Goofy!

Some more good one-liners...

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

The worst thing about accidents in the kitchen is eating them.

Don't argue with an idiot, people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

My wife says I never listen to her. At least I think that's what she said.

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

I found an old tread with some good jokes. I am going to re-post the good ones here for us to enjoy.

Here are some good one-liners.

I always mean what I say. I may not have meant to say it out loud, but I always mean it.

Common sense is a flower that does not grow in everybody's garden.

You may be dyslexic - if you find that life keeps giving you melons.

You know how sometimes you smack a computer or a printer or some appliance with your hand real hard and it gets back to working? Too bad you usually aren't allowed to do that with people.

Have you heard about the new trend of rectal-colonic bleaching? It's a cure for all those ***holes who need to lighten up.

You're still normal...as long as you put your straitjacket on one buckle at a time just like everybody else.

I didn't trip and fall - I was just doing a random gravity check.

I'm not saying you've crossed the fine line between drinking enthusiast to alcoholic, but the mosquitos that bite you are checking themselves into the Betty Ford clinic.

What do Facebook employees do to waste time at work?

Oh wait - do I really have free time or did I just forget all the stuff I'm supposed to do?

It’s scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.