mrsribit Posted August 2012
Jokes needed to lighten our day. Enter at your own risk!
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Glad to know I'm in the other 2%.
He thinks the neighbors are going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed-up rabbit into the house, gives it a bath, blow-dries its fur, and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbor’s house, hoping that they will think the rabbit died of natural causes.
A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy, “Did you hear that our rabbit died?”
The guy stumbles around and says, “Um.. no.. um.. what happened?”
The neighbor replies, “We just found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave the dead rabbit a bath and put him back into the cage. There must be some real sick people out there!”
Would it kill them to write few sentences?
Me: Yes
Wife: And also covered in ... oil?
Me: Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
Wife: Listen! You never listen!
Me: Ohh
One day a woman found a berry that was so beautiful and perfect that people came from miles around to admire and praise it. One day a thief knocked on the door. The woman's husband answered and, not knowing the man was a thief, asked him, "Have you come to admire and praise my wife's berry?" The thief replied, "I have come to seize her berry, not to praise it."
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.
I told her she can scream all she wants, she's not getting my umbrella
Sign language
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
“This is great,” he thought as he roared down I-75.
He pushed the pedal to the metal when he spotted a highway patrol trooper in his rear view mirror–blue lights flashing and siren blaring.
“I can get away from him with no problem,” thought the man and he flew down the road at over 120 mph! Then he thought, “What am I doing? I’m too old for this kind of thing.”
He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to catch up with him.
The trooper pulled in behind the Mercedes and walked up to the man. “Sir,” he said, looking at his watch. “My shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I’ve never heard before, I’ll let you go.”
The man looked at the trooper and said, “Years ago my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back.”
The trooper replied, “Sir, have a nice day.”
“Take him to the vet,” his friend suggested.
The next week, John is much happier. “The vet gave him some pills, and the bull serviced all of my cows!” he told his pal. “Then he broke through the fence and bred with all my neighbour's cows! He’s like a machine!”
“What kind of pills were they?” asked the friend.
“I don’t know, but they’ve got a peppermint taste.”
The nuns get the job started and immediately sister Mary Margaret gets a paint smudge on her habit. One of the younger nuns has a good idea....Why don’t we pull the shades, lock the door and take off our clothes? They all agreed, disrobed and got back to work.
A few minutes later there’s a knock at the door. WHO IS IT? A voice says...ITS THE BLIND GUY! A young nun, thinking no harm could come of this, opens the door. Guy says...WHOA! NICE T...s GIRLS! WHERE DO YOU WANT THESE BLINDS?
The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the officer said.
The kid replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.'
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
SMART A$$ ANSWER #4
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?'
The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.'
It was mealtime during an airline flight.
'Would you like dinner?', the flight attendant asked John, seated in front..
'What are my choices?' John asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied.
SMART A$$ ANSWER #2
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.'
...........but when I got out of prison, it was totally worth it.
Cause in either event somebody’s gonna lose a mobile home.
Because there's no dental records and everybody's DNA is the same.
Did you know the toothbrush was invented in Alabama/West Virginia/ Kentucky ( Insert any redneck state here)
Cause if had been invented anywhere else it would be called a TEETH brush.
We should just do the punch lines.....ITS YOUR NIGHT IN THE BARREL....Just fill in the blanks.