mrsribit Posted August 2012
Jokes needed to lighten our day. Enter at your own risk!
Follow
Share
Read More Close
8K Comments
Popular Questions
Related Questions
- How do I deal with negativity of my aging parents?
- My wife's mother is often mean and hurtful ... even remaining silent can still lead to receiving greater insults. Any experience with that?
- How do you cope when the patient is difficult, confused and defiant?
- My lady is 90 been with her two years and watch her go down hill. Am I a bad caregiver?
Start a Discussion
Ans: Sooner or later every a**hole gets one.
How many social workers does it take to change a light bulb?
One – but the light bulb has to want to change...
A woman comes home from her doctor's appt. and is relaying what was discussed to her husband. she says "he checked my heart, my lungs, my blood pressure, etc. etc., everything is good"
Husband responds "what did he say about your big fat @ss?"
Wife, "oh, we didn't talk about you dear"
"Why?" he asks.
"Because you're so uncouth."
"What do you mean? Don't I take you to nice places when we go out?"
"Yes," she admits.
"And don't I give you thoughtful gifts on your birthday?"
"Yes," she says.
"And don't I treat your folks with respect and kindness?"
"Yes," she says.
"Then what the f**k is all this 'uncouth' sh*t?"
The bartender says to the man, "Say, every time you've bought something from here you've always given me the exact change. Is there a particular reason?" To which the man replies, "Once, I was cleaning my attic and I found a genie in a lamp. The genie gave me two wishes, and I wished that whenever I needed to pay for anything, the correct money would always be there in my pocket."
"That's great! Whether it be a car or a carton of milk you will always have enough money. I mean, most people would wish for something like a million dollars, but you will never run out of money! By the way, what's up with the ostrich?"
"My second wish was for a chick with long legs."
A: The dog, of course. At least he'll shut up after you let him in.
Comment from me. Too right!! But my bark is worse than my bite. :)
Yours is so funny too. :)
The doc started with the basics:
"How much do you weigh?" she asked
"Around 135" I said
The nurse put me on the scale,
Turns out I'm 165 lbs.
"What's your height" she asked
"I'm 5 foot 6" I said
The nurse checked and saw that I only measured 5 foot 4.
Then she took my blood pressure and told me that it was too high.
"Of course it's high" I screamed, "when I came in I was tall and slim and now I'm short and fat!"
She put me on Prozac.
What a b!tch.
The Englishman pulls out a picture of his son. "He was born on St George's day so of course we decided to call him George" he said.
"What a coincidence" says the Scot, "our boy was born on St Andrew's day so naturally we decided to call him Andrew".
"That's incredible!" said the Irishman. "The exact same thing happened with my son Pancake".
(I know it's not pc but Buzzy started it😉)
Just as the bartender hands them over, three flies buzz down and one lands in each of the pints.
The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint away and demands another pint.
The Scotsman picks out the fly, shrugs, and takes a long swallow.
The Irishman reaches in to the glass, pinches the fly between his fingers and shakes him while yelling, "Spit it out, ya BLEEP_BLEEP! Spit it out!"
Employee: Certainly not! There's no proof.
Boss: There is now. After you left early to go to your uncle's funeral, he came here looking for you.
“No sir,” Little Johnny replies, “I don’t have to, my mom is a good cook!”
The policeman said, "What's he like?"
Little Johnny replied, "Beer and women!"
One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
"Yes," said the policeman.
"The detectives want very badly to capture him."
Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"
At the end of his talk, he asked, "Where do you want to go?"
"Heaven! Heaven!" Yelled Little Lisa.
"And what do you have to be to get there?" asked the priest.
"Dead!" Yelled Little Johnny.
"I'm a vet, therefore I drive like an animal"
I suddenly realized how many proctologists there are on the roads.
His only son was in Long Kesh Prison and he didn't know anyone who would spade up his potato garden.
The old man wrote to his son about it and received this reply.
"For Heavens SAKES, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!
At 4 A.M. the next morning a dozen British soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden, but didn't find any guns.
Confused the man wrote to his son telling him what happened and asking him what to do next.
His son's reply was: "Just plant your potatoes."
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
Boss says "Problem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!"
Man says "Ok I have a serious drinking opportunity."
There is white out on the screen!
How do you know when a blonde is used a computer after another blonde?
There is writing on the white out on the screen!
(haha)
Next day the man comes back and asks the Barber how long until I can get a haircut? Barber says 2 hours. Man leaves.
Third day the man is back again and asks the Barber how long before I can get a hair cut? Barber says 1 hour. Man leaves.
A friend of the Barber was visiting the shop at the time so the Barber asks him for a favor and follow this guy to see where he goes.
In 10 minutes he returns and the Barber asks, well where did he go?
Friend says......Your house.