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what's the best treatment for people who can't shut the blank up?
'On and on and on Anon'
(3)
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Eight hours into his trial Paddy pleads guilty.
"Why didn't you plead guilty at the beginning and save the court's time?"
The judge demanded.
"Well," Paddy responded, "until I heard all the evidence I thought I was innocent."
(10)
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I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday. She said, "Something crazy and expensive that I don't really need!"

So I signed her up for radiation treatments.
(7)
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A blonde woman was cleaning her husband's rifle
when it went off and hit him.
She frantically called 911 and said
"OMG I've accidentally shot my husband, I think I've killed him!"
The dispatcher replied "ma'am calm down, first I want you to go and
make sure he's actually dead"
"Okay" she replied...
- BANG -
"I've done that, now what?"
(11)
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I posted a blonde joke on facebook accompanied by:
"for my blonde friends... an apology".
One of them responded.
"You don't have to apologise for having blonde friends."
(5)
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Some days I
eat salad and
go for a run
Other days I
eat cupcakes and
wear my baggiest sweat pants.
It's called balance.
(9)
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I think it's hilarious.
(2)
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I hope this does not offend anyone. I laughed when I read it.

Mr. & Mrs. Wong had a baby boy. The nurse bought out a white baby. The father looked confused. He said 2 Wongs don't make a white and they named him, Sum Ting Wong.
(16)
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My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 180 in about 3 seconds.
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......
(15)
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Well that resolution went down the pan. lol I put on twenty pounds, now they all look skinnier.
(4)
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My New Year's resolution was to help all my friends gain ten pounds so I look skinnier.
(8)
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Three old guys are sitting in the sun. ‘Sunny day today, isn’t it?’ says the first. ‘No it’s not, it’s Thursday’ says the second. ‘So am I’ says the third, ‘Let’s go and find a drink.’
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A martial arts skilled baby deer = Tae Kwon Doe.
(5)
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Never laugh at your significant other's choices - you are one of them.
(13)
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I took a viagra the other day. It got caught in my throat and all I ended up with was a stiff neck.
(7)
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I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
(14)
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My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off.
(14)
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I always thought if it was black and white and red all over it was an embarrassed zebra!
(5)
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I always thought if it was black and white all over it was an embarrassed zebra!
(8)
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What do you call a pig that knows karate? A pork chop
(7)
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A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
“You’ll get your chance in court.” said the Desk Sergeant.
“No, no no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife.
I’ve been trying to do that for years!”
(11)
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A man was very proud of his guard dog, he would leave it to roam free in the garden to show the world his house was guarded.

One day a woman knocked at his door.
“Is that your big dog outside?”

Wondering how she had got past him he said: “Yes why?”
She said "I’m sorry but my dog just killed him!”

“What?” Roared the man “What kind of dog have you got?”

“A Peke” Replied the woman.

“A Peke? How could that little thing kill my big fine guard dog?”

“I think it got stuck in his throat!” replied the woman.
(7)
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I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day! The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!' So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'
That's how the fight started.
(13)
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My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered. I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
(11)
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One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
(8)
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Three old men were sitting around talking about the problems with aging.
The 85-year-old said, "The best thing that could happen to me would just to be able to have a good pee. I stand there for 20 minutes, and it just dribbles and hurts. I have to go over and over again."

The 90-year-old said, "The best thing that could happen to me is if I could have one good bowel movement. I take every kind of laxative I can get my hands on and I still have problems."

Then the 95-year-old said, "That's not my problem. Every morning, at 6 a.m. sharp, I have a good long pee. And at 6:30 a.m. sharp, I have a great bowel movement. The best thing that could happen to me would be if I could wake up before 7 a.m!"
(12)
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A hound dog lays in the yard and an old man in overalls sits on the porch.
"Excuse me, sir, but does your dog bite?" a jogger asks.
The old man looks over his newspaper and replies, "Nope."
As soon as the jogger enters the yard, the dog begins snarling and growling, and then attacks the jogger's legs.
As the jogger flails around in the yard, he yells, "I thought you said your dog didn't bite!"
The old man mutters, "Ain't my dog."
(11)
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Then: Long hair
Now: Longing for hair

Then: Disco
Now: Costco

Then: Crop Top
Now: Muffin Top

Then: Praying for a BMW
Now: Praying for a BM

Then: Hairstyles with wings
Now: Upper arms with wings

Then: Going to a new, hip joint
Now: Getting a new hip joint

Then: All nighter= out with friends
Now: All nighter= insomnia

Then: Acid rock
Now: Acid reflux

Then: Excited about passing driver's test
Now: Excited about passing vision test

Then: Keg
Now: EKG

Then: Rolling Stones
Now: kidney stones

Then: Hot guys
Now: hot flash
(15)
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True story...

On the way home from taking my FIL to the doctor, my kids starting talking about things they collect...

8 year old: I collect Pokemon cards.

5 year old: I collect Legos.

8 year old: Granddaddy, what do you collect?

Granddaddy (with no hesitation): Dust


That story still makes my kids laugh almost ten years later.
(15)
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A retired man who volunteers to entertain patients in nursing homes and hospitals went to one local hospital in Brooklyn and took his portable keyboard along.
He told some jokes and sang some funny songs at patients’ bedsides.
When he finished he said, in farewell, “I hope you get better.”
One elderly gentleman replied, “I hope you get better, too.”
(14)
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