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The reason the Air Force, Army, Navy and Marines bicker amongst themselves is that they don’t speak the same language.

For instance,
Take the simple phrase “secure the building”.

The Army will post guards around the place.
The Navy will turn out the lights and lock the doors.
The Marines will kill everybody inside and set up a headquarters.
The Air Force will take out a 5 year lease with an option to buy.
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A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
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To the person who stole my anti-depressants, I hope you're happy now.
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Mom and I were watching TV, and a doctor came on talking about how the cells of the body die and are replaced over time, and how every seven years you have a new body.
"Gee, Mom," I said. "You're on your last body."
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Jerry was in the hospital recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.
“I’m OK but I didn’t like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery,” he answered.
“What did he say?,” asked the nurse.
“OOPS!”
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What's little and furry and says beeyow, beeyow?

A kitty with a cold!
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How do you track Will Smith in the snow?

Look for fresh prints.
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Suitable for small children:
Why did the man lose his job at the orange juice factory?
He couldn't concentrate!
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The dyslexic devil worshipper sold his soul to Santa.
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Salutem, I am neither faint of heart nor religious, and definitely no 'whatever'. Jokes that are neither sexist nor lavatory humor might be less likely to be deleted. Buy a different book of jokes so we can all laugh with you.
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You might like the jokes posted on the "Grossed out and need to vent" thread salutem.
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All of my jokes are racy, so heads up, don't read them if you're faint of heart, religious, or whatever.
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Caregiver says to patient, "how come every time I put you on the commode you start to cry?" Patient says, "It's my potty and I'll cry if I want to"
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Innkeeper: "The room is $15. a night. It's $5. if you make your own bed."

Guest: "I'll make my own bed."

Innkeeper: "Good. I'll get you some nails and wood."
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Ok, husband comes home to his wife after work with a goose under his arm and says "this is the pig I've been f******g." Wife says "that's not a pig!" Husband says , "I wasn't talking to you!"
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As he was coming up on another birthday, a man was feeling depressed about his age. Hoping to cheer him up, his wife went shopping to get him some new clothes. A saleswoman asked if she could help her, and the wife said, "I'm looking for something wild and youthful in a pair of men's pants." The saleswoman sighed and said, "Aren't we all, honey, aren't we all."
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I have some great jokes, but many of them keep getting deleted. Corny jokes do nothing for me, if they're not a bit naughty, why bother?
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Sleeping in my yoga pants......I call it "meditation".
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I read a blog that said to do yoga to relax. I've tweaked that a bit to suit me better - I drink wine in yoga pants.
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I gave up my seat to a blind person in the bus.
That is how I lost my job as a bus driver.

:)
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during the 'Our Gang' annual spelling bee, Buckwheat was asked to spell the word 'dictate' which he spelled 'DICTATE' the moderator then asked him to use the word in a sentence. Buckwheat replied, " hey Darla, when we went out last night, how'd my 'dictate?'
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how is the star ship enterprise like toilet paper??

They both circle Uranus and search for clingons.
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Patient walks into cardiologists office and says Dr. I have acute angina. Dr. says, "that's good 'cause you got lousy legs." Patient says “you’re going to have to explain that one to the Medical Board, I just don’t get it”.
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Our fingers have fingertips, but our toes don't have toetips, yet we can tiptoe. :)
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Patient walks into cardiologists office and says Dr. I have acute angina. Dr. says, "that's good 'cause you got lousy legs."
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I was a little taken aback when I got my receipt from the funeral parlor, on the bottom of the receipt, after the bill, it read, "Thank you. Please come again."


:)
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Disney is suing Daffy Duck for divorce from her husband , Donald on the grounds of insanity. Donald stated, " I never said my wife was crazy, what I said was that she's f*****g Goofey."
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I'm not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
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I just read a study that smoking weed causes memory loss.
The next thing you know someone wil develope a study that says smoking weed causes memory loss.
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How does a man know he is in real trouble?

When he has a wife, a girl friend and a car payment and they are all three months late.
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