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This one is for my American friends

_________OFFICIAL NOTICE__________

Be advised that next month the Immigration department
will begin deporting seniors (instead of illegal aliens) in
an effort to lower social security and medicaid costs. Older
people are much easier to catch and less likely to
remember how to get back home.
(16)
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A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.
The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don’t ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"
The passenger apologized and said, "I didn’t realize that a little tap would scare you so much."

The driver replied, "Sorry, it’s not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver – I’ve been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."
(12)
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The party organizer was bothered with the gate-crashers on the celebration. She then got the microphone and asked for everybody’s attention.

“Please, can the bride guests form a line here at my left? Thank you. Now, the guests of the groom, line here at my right.”

After some did so, she went on:
“Now, everybody at my right and left, please leave because this is a baptism.”
(9)
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I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
(12)
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A guy was in the front yard helping his kids get their kite to function properly. Not much luck. His wife leaned out the upstairs window and said, “You need more tail.” He shook his head and said,” Isn’t that just like a woman? Last night she told me to go fly a kite.”
(6)
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My wife's not too smart. I told her, our kids were spoiled.
She said, "All kids smell that way."
(9)
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A joke to be appreciated by people dealing with narcissists: Someone who is totally wrapped up in themselves comes across as a very small package!
(6)
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Saw a man standing on one leg at an ATM. 

Confused, I asked him what he was doing

He said: "Just checking my balance."
(8)
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I don't care how nice the hand soap smells...

You should never walk out of the restroom sniffing your fingers.
(8)
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I had my patience tested. Turns out I'm negative.
(7)
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This was told me by a supplier of our company as a true story.

Being a B-to-B salesperson, he travels a lot the whole country. He said he was once boarding a plane, found his seat, listened to the flight instructions, engines ready, when the pilot turned on the speakers.
"Ladies and gentlemen, due to technical issues we will have to ask you to step out the plane as our flight will be delayed 40 minutes. We're sorry about..."blah, blah".
So, everybody got out, went to their phones, bathroom, coffee, etc and, 40-ish minutes later, they were called again to board. Engines turned on, plane started to move, then the pilot again:
"Ladies and gentlemen, due to technical issues we will have to ask you to step out the plane again. Our flight will now have a delay of another hour. The company is deeply sorry..."
An hour later, everybody got in again, engines turned on and the pilot, somehow forgeting the speaker open, said
"Aw, now f*** it!"
Went to the strip and took off.
(4)
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Buzzy even the bad jokes are worth at least a grimace, I don't know how you keep coming up with so may!
(4)
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Ever since it started snowing my husband is standing in front of the window and watching.

If the snow gets much worse, I might let him inside the house






Sorry last joke was rubbish.
(4)
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My partner has to be the worst cook.
Their specialty is indigestion.
(2)
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Ebenezer Scrooge was leaving a nightclub, stopped and put his hand into the concierge’s pocket.
“It was a good night. Here, this is for you to have a whisky with.”

When the concierge checked it, found two ice cubes.
(5)
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Eat salad, they say_ _It's healthy


You know what never gets recalled?


Cake!
I'm sticking with cake
(8)
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I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
(8)
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Do you ever feel like your body's "check engine" light has been on and you're still driving it like "nah, it'll be fine"?
(9)
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Woman: My ex was from the land down under.

Friend: Australia?

Woman: No. Hell.
(8)
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You know that amazing feeling when you go to bed knowing your entire house is clean?


Ya, neither do I.
(10)
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I stayed up all night wondering where the sun had gone...then it dawned on me.
(11)
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My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.
(6)
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Why must I prove that I am me when I pay bills over the phone?
Did some else call to pay my bills, and if they did, why don't you let them?
(10)
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Frazzled: That was a good one!
(1)
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Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool.
I gave him a glass of water.
(11)
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Not a belly laugh like others but it made me smile.
Two friends of mine that live round the corner from us are 'into' their cats. I think the last count was four or five.

Going past their house I noticed a plaque on their wall (which tickled my sense of humour). It said:-

"This is the cats home but the staff live here as well."
(12)
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Another Saturday night in the house, and I just realized that even the trash goes out more than me.
(15)
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Oh, oh, I just learned two jokes about unemployed people.

...

On second thought, forget about it. None of them work.
(9)
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Cat life mice can foxes be wolves boring frogs but grasshopper let's swan love it cow anyhow.

Now read it again without the animals.
(3)
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My mother describing porn - "It's prawn." Well, okay then.
(2)
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