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John is having a bad day. He tried to button his shirt and the button fell off. He picked up his briefcase and the handle fell off. He turned the doorknob and it fell off. Now he's afraid to pee.
(11)
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Buzzy Bee must be busy – I hope you are all right, bee dear. I’ll try some more quotes, witty if not all that funny:

A quote from Paul Erlich, scientist: “To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer”.

A quote from WC Fields: “If at first you don’t succeed, try try again. Then give up. No use being a complete fool”.

A quote from Ava Gardner: “Deep down, I’m pretty superficial”.

A quote from Aneurin Bevan, UK politician: “We know what happens to people who stay in the middle of the road. They get run over”.

Baboom! And what's with a scientist splitting infinitives? No better things to split?
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It's 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue.
Peggy Sue's father answers the door and invites him in.
He asks Bobby what they're planning to do on the date.
Bobby politely responds that they'll probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.
Peggy Sue's father suggests, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it."
Bobby is shocked. "Excuse me, sir?"
"Oh yes, Peggy Sue really likes to screw. She'll screw all night if we let her."
Peggy Sue comes downstairs and announces that she's ready to go.
About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father, "Dad! The Twist! It's called the Twist!"
(7)
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Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels.


...

What do you mean I am banned for life?
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Frazzledmama, my doctor actually told me to do that with my dad when he couldn't remember anymore, he said it's a great stress reliever. Today I am an astronaut, tomorrow, maybe a glass blower. Yep, it could be fun.
(5)
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The police came by last night and told me
my dogs were chasing people on bikes.

I don't get it, my dogs don't even have bikes.
(10)
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I'm about to start telling people different stories about my life. That way, when they get together and gossip about me, they end up arguing.
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The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch.
At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.
The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray,
"Take only one. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
One child whispered to another, "Take all you want.
God is watching the apples."
(15)
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Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris.
After 5 days of extreme pain... the snake died.
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My mother's neighbor, who lived with and took care of her 102 year old father (just the 2 of them) - "Would you like a piece of my dad's birthday cake?" Me, my husband and I - "Yes." But then we got 3 SLIVERS of birthday cake piled up on one thin plate. Talk about difficult to get off the thin plate, never mind eat the thin sliver of cake! Much later I found a talking birthday cake slice at the Hallmark Store for my mother! No joke.
(2)
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Real story

Arrived to my parents' house yesterday for lunch. Just before eating, my mother:
Mother: I saved you a piece of cake, for desert.
An hour later
Mother: did you ate the cake?
Me: no, I had plenty to eat, don't want desert now.
She had dinner in bed, but asked me aftewards:
Mother: did you ate the cake?
Me: no, I am not in the mood for anything sweet right now.
breakfast:
Mother: did you ate the cake?
Me: nope, I forgot.
Mother: So I save the cake just for you and you don't blah, blah, blah.
half hour ago:
Me: there, mother, I ate the cake for the 5 o'clock snack.
Mother: did you ate the veggie loaf?
(2)
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Isthisrealyreal

I have soooooooooo much to give - lol FAT

And I know you meant MALE or female (May be admin will change it for you? Just tell them you had borrowed Buzzys 14 fingers, on a bad day)
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Hmmmmm........

What is it about a car that makes people think you can't see them picking their nose?

Why is it called "beauty sleep" when you wake up looking like a troll?

Why hasn't someone come up with a way to donate fat like you do blood?
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Okay, Make or Female?

FREEZER BAGS?
They are male, because they hold everything in and you can see right through them.

PHOTOCOPIERS?
They are female, because once turned off it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive devise if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong buttons.

TIRES?
Tires are male, they go bald easily and are often over inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOONS?
Male, because to get them to go anywhere you have to light a fire under their arse.

SPONGES?
These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.

more to come...
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You wicked person! Sending that one straight to my kids, lol :)
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House do you spell mouse trap with three letters?

C-A-T
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OK I just had to post something so that nobody else sees that at the top of their news feed - (double ouch🤯)
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What do you call a cheap circumcision?
A rip off



(My comment - Ouch)
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10/10 for political correctness, CoyoteBR :)

I always thought that was a Blonde joke!
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Car Mechanic for his apprentice:
"Check if the turn signal is working."
"It is... It isn't... It is... It isn't..."
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Isthisreal, loved the 3 things to think about. :)
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BB, I have to say that I think that is exactly what a person that would break up like that deserves.

LorenMGG, I snorted when I first heard that, so much truth.
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A soldier serving overseas far from home was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote to break off their engagement and ask for her photograph back.

He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together, and sent them back with a note saying,
“I regret that I cannot remember which one you are.
Please keep your photo and return the others.”
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@Isthisrealyreal...I love the latest... It's a definite share... thank you for the lighter side of something serious... and we breathe...
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Three things to think about:

1. COWS
2. THE CONSTITUTION
3. THE TEN COMMANDMENTS

Cows: is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a cow born in Canada almost 3 years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 12 million illegal immigrants wandering around our country. Maybe we should give them all a cow.

The Constitution: They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Irag. Why don't we just give them ours? It is written by a lot of really smart guys, it's worked for over 200 years and we're not using it anymore.

The Ten Commandments: The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse.... You can not post "Thou Shall Not Steal," Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery," and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians---it creates a hostile work environment.
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An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.

He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed him to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect, your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

The gentlemen replied., "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
(7)
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The location of your mailbox shows you how far from your house you can be in a robe...before you start looking like a mental patient.
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The experts say "listen to your body."

If I did, I'd live on toffee bars and port wine. My body's trying to turn me into a blob.
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She yells, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight, you pig!"
Everyone in the bar stops and stares.
Completely embarrassed, the guy slinks back to his table with a red face.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes.
She smiles and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. I'm a graduate student in psychology, and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing public situations."
To which the guy responds as loudly as possible, "What do you mean $200 for a BJ?"
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Yesterday I asked hubby "Are you an old fart?" He replied, "No, I am a YOUNG fart!" Asked him again today, and he said, "Indeed."
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