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Redneck word of the day: Cedar

I know she ain't sick cause I cedar at the Walmart.
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A man went to the pet store and asked for 5 mice, 3 rats and 104 roaches.

"I can give you the mice, but not the rats or roaches, " said the store owner. "What do you want them for anyway?"

The man replies, "My landlady is evicting me and she told me I must leave the room exactly as I found it. "
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Q: What do you do with a sick chemist?
A: If you can't helium, and you can't curium, then you might as well barium.
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One day little Johnny was digging a hole in his back yard.
The next-door neighbor spotted him and decided to investigate.
"Hello Johnny, what are you up to?" he asked.
"My goldfish died and I'm gonna bury him," Johnny replied.
"That's a really big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" asked the neighbor.
"That's because he's inside your cat!"
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Thanks Buzzybee!
My hubs is obsessed with the Titanic.
When I shared your joke, he was speechless!
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Ouch! I pinched myself.
I just don't look good in green.
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When we were young we used to skinny dip, now we chunky dunk.
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The other night my kids and I were sitting in the living room
talking about Living Wills and I said to them:
"Listen, I never want to be dependent on some
machine and fluids from a bottle,
if that ever happens just pull the plug".
They got up, unplugged my computer and threw away my wine!

(The bastards!)
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The young woman who was working abroad called her family. The first thing she asked:
“Hello, little sister, how’s our pet cat?”
“The cat died.”
“What? How can you be so insensitive? It’s monstrous to tell me such new like that. You know how much I liked that cat. You should warn me little by little. You should have said ‘the cat climbed up the roof’, then, on my next call, you should say ‘we called the firefighters but he ran away’. On the next call, ‘He ended up falling and we took him to the vet’. Next ‘the vet is not optimist’, before telling me his fate. Learn to have some consideration, for pete's sake. Have empathy for your sister.”
“Right, sis, I got it.”
“Good. Now, how’s mom?”
“Well, mom climbed up the roof.”

XXXXXXXX

This joke is so famous it became an expression here in Brazil, meaning something very bad is bound to happen:
“It’s still the 20th of the month, but seems the company profit climbed up the roof.”
“I will take it to the mechanic, but I am sure my car engine climbed up the roof.”
"Your friend must realize her marriage climbed up the roof."
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Life is all about perspective.
The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship's kitchen.
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I just found out I'm colorblind.
The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.

*******

I am not a schizophrenic and neither am I.
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How women's magazines mess with your mind:

page 14: you're beautiful the way you are

page 23: lose weight fast!

page 29: best ever chocolate cake recipe
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I'm not fat
I'm just... easier to see.
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I like this one, but maaaaaay not be for everyone.


So, three missionaries were caught by an isolated tribe, and the chief went to talk with then:
“I am really tired of you thinking only you are the civilized and looking down at us. I will make a deal. Each of you can ask for one thing. Anything. If we can’t provide it, you are free to go. Otherwise, we’ll skin you alive and make a canoe with your skin.”
The first one, a car enthusiast, went ahead:
“In that case, I want an Aston-Martin DBR1 from 1956.”
“The one that won the 1959 Le Mans race?” asked the chief.
“huh…” the missionary got a bit worried.
“The one they only made five of it?”
“Y-yeah.”
The chief turned to a warrior.
“Go get one DBR1. Wait. Do you want the black or green? Green is more traditional, right? Bring on the green.”
The famous car was the last thing the missionary saw before becoming a canoe.

The second one gulped but tried his luck.
“I want… hah! I want the Shroud of Turin! Hah!”
The chief turned to another warrior.
“Go to the sacred cloths closet and bring the Turin one.”
In a matter of minutes, it was presented and the skin of the second one was turned in a canoe.

The last one took a deep breath and said:
“I want a fork.”
The chief was surprised
“What? We produced one of the rarest cars in the world and a unique sacred treasure. How can you ask for a fork?”
“I want a fork.”
“Are you going to throw away your only chance? Lost your fighting spirit? Your hope?”
“I WANT A FORK!”
“Right, have it your way. Get him a fork.”
The missionary got the fork and started to stab himself all over
“F – your canoe!” stab! Stab! Stab! “F- your canoe!!” Stab, stab
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I use the internet to tell me what the weather's like.
How do you do that?
I carry my laptop outside and if it gets wet, I know it's raining!
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How do you get an elephant into a Safeway grocery sack?







Answer is not for the faint of heart continue at own risk




First, take the "S" out of the word "Safe" then you take the "F" out of the word "way"......

(There's no "F" -in-way)


I hope that wasn't too crude for anyone, this one was told to me by a proud 10 year old who heard it from friends at school... {facepalms}
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A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
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FrazzledMama: Yes, that was done on May Day, which was May 1. People hung May Baskets constructed out of crepe paper covered small baskets filled with flowers or candy and hung on random peoples' front doors. Not really a joke, but true. I should have put one on my ex husband's door filled with rocks since he was a very bad man.
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As a kid, did you ever knock on people's doors and run away before they answered? Well, guess what? UPS is hiring!
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5 reasons why we procrastinate:
1 -
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Here's a joke for all of you mind readers out there ...
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You know how when you buy bagged salad it turns brown & mushy on you?

Cookies never treat you like that.
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Death: It's your time. give me your hand
Blonde: No! i know that if i dont touch you then I'll never die!
Death: Holy mollie! You figured out the key to living forever! You're soooo smart! High five!
Blonde: *high fives*
Death: Hahahahaha
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A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette all enter the
International Breast Stroke Swim across the English Channel.
After about 8 hours, the brunette makes it across, followed shortly by the redhead.
No sign of the blonde.
After 12 hours they decide they'd better go look for her when she pretty much washes up on shore.
They rush over to her and wrap her in warm blankets and give her a hot drink.

After a few minutes, she is breathing easier and says, "I don't like to tattle, but I think those other ladies were using their arms!"
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Remember how when you were little you could just rip off your diaper and run around naked and everyone thought it was funny?
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We may not get what we want.....
we may not get what we need.....

but may we NEVER get what we deserve.
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I gave up my seat to a blind person in the bus.
That is how I lost my job as a bus driver.
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That money talks, I'll not deny,
I heard it once
It said, "Goodbye"

Richard Armour
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Political correctness gone too far.

Tip, tap, tip, tap,
who’s eating my lactose-free, vegan, gluten-free, bio, Fairtrade house? – Janice, 573, Evil Witch Keeping Up With the Times
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Life is short, smile while you still have teeth and
always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
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