I decided to start a joke discussion because we as caregivers need our load lightened. We need to laugh at our own situations and those of others to take away the sting and pain we go through. If you have a joke that's racy then give a heads up at the beginning of your post for those who might not want to read your post. We need to avoid that kind of humor. Please don't come on this thread and berate anyone for their choices of humor. This is our place to let go of criticism. Thanks for sharing!!!! ;o)
A wife send her husband an sms "Windows frozen".
The husband send answer back: "Pour some warm water over them".
Some time later husband receives answer from his wife:
"Well that did't work, the computer is completely kaput now".
Shakespeare: “brevity is the soul of wit”. Dorothy Parker: “brevity is the soul of lingerie”.
A quote from a totally correct novelist I’ve never heard of: “Progress would be wonderful, if only it would stop!”
A quote from Damon Runyon: “The race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, but that’s the way to place the bet”.
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said
"I would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy!I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
A German Shepherd.
Funny thing is, the lady at my side in the 2+ hour bus trip spent the whole time texting and trying to shield her phone from me.
As if! As if I had any interest on that Carla that is dating the higher ups to get a promotion ahead of her, or if Prissy will finally break up with Max, leaving him free to Jane try her luck, nor if her father is spending all his retirement money at that Bingo Club.
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.
"Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied,
"Yep, none of us could get the jar open."
The first bought her a huge house.
The second was not called Lloyd, but bought her a Mercedes-Benz.
The third remembered her faith and devotion, and how she was complaining about not being able to read the Bible no more. So, he bought a rare parrot, and hired monks to teach it to repeat Scripture. In the end, he spent more than the other two. We’re talking eight digits here.
After two months, they asked her what gift she liked the most.
“John. Do you think in my age I have energy to clean that house, or to manage all the workers needed to run it? Not to mention how expensive it is. No, I’d rather be on a simple room-and-bathroom studio.”
“Daisy. I can barely see, what do you think I would do with a car? It’s collecting dust and I still need a cab or lift to go around.”
“Mike, you’re the only one who really thought about me. That chicken was delicious.”
Russian citizen during the days of the USSR: "We pretend to work and they pretend to pay us."
The blonde went to spend some days at her friends house. Showering the first day, she asked for some shampoo.
"It's there, the yellow bottle."
"No, I need another one."
"Why?"
"It's written 'for dry hair' and mine is already wet."
Jean Colbert, Minister of Finances in France, said “The art of taxation is to pluck the goose to get the most feathers with the least hissing”.
From Mark Twain: “Dear reader, suppose you are an idiot; then suppose you are a member of Congress: but I repeat myself...”.
A quote from Calvin Coolidge (put together a la Singing in the Rain): “Nothing I never said ever harmed me”.
Which is closer, New York or the moon?
Blonde 2 says ‘duh.. you can see the moon!’.
Two canibals hunting in a wood.
They only manage to catch one man between them.
Man gets boiled up in the pot and they agree to share him.
First one started at the foot and when he got to the ankle he said to the other one,
"How you doing?"
Second one said,
"I'm having a ball"
First one said, "You're eating too fast!"
I guess she is not feline well?
She is now decalfinated!
there so stupid.
Pessimist: the glass is half empty
Mother: how many times I need to tell you to use a coaster??
"It's there, the yellow bottle."
"No, I need another one."
"Why?"
"It's written 'for dry hair' and mine is already wet."
*crickets chirp*
Sheesh, tough croud
"Auto-correct has become my worst enema."
"Simply because you're near me...
"Funny, but..."
Say, you DO have a funny butt!