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Actually, there are only TWO kinds of people in the world: those who think there are only two kinds of people in the world, and those who don't.
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The genuine road side signs around here often make me chuckle. Why not, when you see a sign that simply says ‘Rhubarb Pie’. But my favourite winter sign, outside a pub near us, says ‘Open Fire’. I always wonder whether to duck!
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I saw a sign that said "Watch for children" and I thought,
"That sounds like a fair trade".
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I'm at the age where I have to make a noise when I bend over.
It's the law.
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Dinner quips:

A quote from Woody Allen: The lion and the lamb shall lie down together. But the lamb won't sleep for long.

A quote from a novelist I’ve never heard of: “There are times when parenthood seems to be feeding the mouth that bites you”.
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Most females don't answer video calls after 9pm because their face has been restored to factory settings.
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Bad news is, I took the wrong medication...Good news is, I'm protected from heartworms & fleas for the next three months.
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Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible.
In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.
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There are three kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t.
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What do you call a cow with two legs?
LEAN BEEF.!
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I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
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So if a cow doesn't produce milk, is it a milk dud or an udder failure?
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Two blonds were sitting on their balcony in Bourke, Australia looking up at the stars. Blonde 1 said
”which is closer. New York or the moon?”
blonde 2 said “Duh. You can see the moon”
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I think it was Rita Rudner who said "Marriage is where you choose the person you're gonna annoy for the rest of your life."
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Margaret,
Thanks for that. He responded....uh huh.

He did say that one could still eat that salad that fell on the floor.

I am going on with my day, enjoying ALL the jokes and quotes, keeping them between my friends and I.
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I'm still not sure if all these quotes count as jokes, but at least they are a contribution. I wonder what dH says (that's if you are still on speaking terms)!?

A quote from Benjamin Franklin: “Keep your eyes wide open before marriage and half-shut afterwards”.

A quote from Zsa Zsa Gabor: “A girl should marry for love, and keep on marrying until she finds it”.

A poet I’ve never heard of: “It doesn’t marry who you marry, you soon find out it was someone else”.
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The man who created auto correct has died, may he restaurant in peace.
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Don't you hate it when your salad accidentally falls on the floor and you have to eat pizza instead?
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The joke is funny, Buzzybee! I think the fact that you adjusted the joke for him shows a great sense of humor in you!

I wrote to show how dH takes the fun (funny) out of everything.
I was not criticizing the joke. He was rambling down a common path that goes no where due to his condition.

I like that you are a domestic engineer. So am I....
However, I drive dH to his part-time job.
That makes me a "driver", but I don't know for how long.....lol.

Dh better get his sense of humor back, or I will be sad. I will tell it to my BIL myself, he will "get it".
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Dont worry about it my friend. lol Ask him if it is funny now? Personally I don't think it is. By the way, in my day they were called drivers. I am now a domestic engineer. hahaha But hey, what do I know. lol

"I was an hour late for my train today, but luckily when I reached the station, it was still there...
The people must have been wondering, "Where the heck is the engineer/driver?"

Expanation of joke.
They did not realize I was the engineer/driver

Sorry could not resist as it was only a bit of fun. I said WAS only a bit of fun It obviously is not any longer.
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Shared some jokes with my dH.
Quote: "I was an hour late for my train today, but luckily when I reached the station, it was still there...
The people must have been wondering, "Where the heck is the driver?"

He said the one about the train was too simple.
A discussion ensued.
I said "I cannot believe we are having this discussion," as he starts taking apart the words, intellectualizing them.
He said "I don't think intelligent adults like my brother and I appreciate the simplicity of the joke, it is stupid".
"The simplicity is what makes it funny", I said.
True to his nature, dH wanted to correct the wording, saying: "My brother would not like the joke because he is an engineer, not a "driver".
"I deal with simplicity and stupid everyday and it makes me laugh", I said sarcastically.
He went on to discuss the joke some more....same joke.....he is still mulling it over.
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Thank you!
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FAST FOOD WORKER to a slightly deaf gentleman: "Any condiments?"
GENTLEMAN: "Compliments? You look very nice today!”


Sorry a bit of a silly one today - not that my others are much better. lol
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I bought my 94 yr old brother an Alexa Echo by creating an Amazon account myself and giving him the device. While visiting I observed his nurse was always reminding him to drink water, get up from the TV and walk, empty his catheter bag which he calls Stanley and take scheduled pills. To help I created hourly reminders on the Alexa app which include little jokes. After returning to my home I was able to continue to update the reminders daily with new limericks, jokes and comments that play 300 miles away on the Echo. My daily phone calls always included how much laughter the reminders caused.
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What's Forrest Gump's password?
1 FOREST 1
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"And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world...

Then He made the earth round...and laughed and laughed and laughed...."
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Another quote from Groucho Marx (the dirty devil): “A man’s only as old as the woman he feels”.

A quote from Mae West: “Keep a diary and one day it’ll keep you”.

A quote from James Thurber, via a Tshirt : “A mother’s place is in the wrong”.

A quote from an American writer I’ve never heard of: “A bachelor never quite gets over the idea that he is a thing of beauty and a boy forever”.
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My sister bet me a hundred dollars I couldn't build a car out of spaghetti.
You should've seen the look on her face as I drove pasta!!
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How many chiropractors does it take to change a lightbulb?

One, BUT it takes 6 visits.
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I was an hour late for my train today, but luckily when I reached the station, it was still there...
The people must have been wondering, "Where the heck is the driver?"
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