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Occasionally, a true friend gives his paw not his hand...

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The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue.
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I wanna hang a map of the world in my house.
Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've travelled to.
But first, I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down.
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The older I get, the earlier it gets late.

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Ageing gracefully is like the nice way of saying you're slowly looking worse.
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I accidentally handed my wife a glue stick instead of a chap-stick.

She still isn't talking to me.

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I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself this is the last thing I need.
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Smoking will kill you...
Bacon will kill you...
But,smoking bacon will cure it.
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Birdie birdie in the sky -
you put whitewash in my eye
I'm a big girl, I won't cry
but I'm sure glad that cows don't fly
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Don't be sad when a bird poops on your head.

Be happy that dogs can't fly.
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Scientists say the universe is made up of Protons, Neutrons, and Electrons.

They forgot to mention Morons.
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I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it's perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants, but he's still making fun of me.
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Yes, that was Emo :)
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That was the wonderfully weird Emo Philips, wasn't it, FM? Brilliant tangents he went off on, I remember him fondly.
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A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
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When I was a girl, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to survive... It's a good thing my older brother told me about it.
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Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for 10 minutes and come out wrinkle free and three sizes smaller?
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You have to put this in a bathroom context:

What do mathematicians do when they get stuck?

They work it out with a pencil. If they get *really* stuck, they work it out with logs.
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I think I read that 5 times before I got it🙃
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How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

Look for Fresh Prince.
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Yesterday, a clown held the door open for me. It was such a nice jester!
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I Googled "how to start a wildfire".

I got 48,500 matches.
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Life is short.
Smile while you still have teeth.
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Buzzy,
Technically, under the rules of abbreviations, that would be:
CWAFO.

In the U.S., the abbreviation CEO usually denotes Chief Executive Officer.
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Hatch, match and despatch, Buzzy?

Actually it's a fine tradition. Back in the day when they were trying to make everyone behave but not start too many arguments (or create more work than most vicars were prepared to put in) they settled on minimum attendance of Christmas, Easter and Whitsun and that was all you had to do. Good ol' C of E, so *practical.*
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A little comment on the last few jokes. :)

As a Brit I would be a C.W.F.A.O.
Christening, Weddings And Funerals Only. ;)
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A pastor joked about a "CEO" christian.
What is a CEO christian you ask?

One who goes to church Christmas and Easter only!
~~~
When I repeated this joke to another pastor, I was accused of "coarse jesting".
The author of this joke was none other than Greg Laurie, of Harvest Crusades fame.

Then, the same critical pastor said to me: "You know, you are the same as a CEO christian, not coming to church".

I answered him: "No, I am not a CEO christian, because I no longer go to church at all, not even Christmas and Easter."
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I work out religiously—Christmas and Easter.
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How do trees get online?
They just log in.
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Father: What did you do today to help your mother?
Son: I dried the dishes
Daughter: And I helped pick up the pieces.
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Wesson.
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My friend said he knew a man with a wooden leg named Smith.
So I asked him “What was the name of his other leg?”
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Hope you have time to read this one.

Dear friends, it is with the saddest heart that I have to pass on the following: 

The Pillsbury Doughboy died Monday of a severe yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes to the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out, including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The graveside was piled high with flours as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded". 

Doughboy rose quickly in show business but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, even as a crusty old man, he was considered a roll model for millions. 

Toward the end it was thought he'd rise once again, but he was no tart. Doughboy is survived by his second wife, Play Dough. They have two children, and one in the oven. 

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
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