mrsribit Posted August 2012
Jokes needed to lighten our day. Enter at your own risk!
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Good luck
I sent it right back – way too expensive and really bad quality.
Tonight I dreamt of a beautiful walk on a sandy beach.
At least that explains the footprints I found in the cat litter box this morning
************
Sometimes it is very important if a sentence was said by a man or a woman.
A good example: “I used a whole pack of tissues during that awesome movie yesterday!”
An atheist was walking through the woods and he said to himself.
'What majestic trees!'
'What powerful rivers!'
'What beautiful animals!'
As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.
He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charging towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.
He looked over his shoulder again and the bear was even closer.
He tripped and fell on the ground.
He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him and reaching for him with his left paw
and raising his right paw to strike him.
At that instant moment, the Atheist cried out:
'Oh my God!’;
Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.
'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even
credit creation to a cosmic accident. Now you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer'
The atheist looked directly into the light and said: 'It would be hypocritical
of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?'
'Very well', said the voice.
The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his
right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke:
'Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from Thy bounty through Christ
our Lord, Amen.'
Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live."
Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!"
Doctor: "Nine."
Teacher: ‘Why are you talking during my lesson?’
Student: ‘Why are you teaching during my conversation?’
************
A wife comes home late one night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.
From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband’s two.
She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.
Once she’s done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.
As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.
He says, “Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so let them stay in our bedroom.
Did you say hello?”
*****************
This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things.
He immediately phoned the police, who asked, “Is someone in your house?” and George said, “No,” and explained the situation. Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available.
George said, “Okay,” hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.
“Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don’t have to worry about them now because I’ve just shot them all.”
Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the policemen said to George, “I thought you said that you’d shot them!”
George said, “I thought you said there was nobody available!”
Why dont blind people skydive?
Because it scares the crap out of their dogs.
Man went in to a pet shop.
He said, “Can I buy a goldfish?”
The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
He said, “I don’t care what star sign it is.”
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his pants, a peg leg and a parrot on his shoulder.
The bartender says, “Hey, you’ve got a steering wheel on your pants.”
The pirate says, “Arrrr, I know. It’s driving me nuts.”
I have heard wonderful things about contemporary New Zealand cookery, but I haven't been able to get over my Kiwi friend's butterscotch meringue pie to investigate further. My teeth ache even now, thirty years later, just thinking about that pudding - the butterscotch as a tangy counterpoint to the meringue. Ow.
My mother did give me white bread with sugar on it for supper, and told me I didn't like mushrooms, garlic or ginger. But then I blame my mother for quite a lot - ! And on the plus side, she certainly did know what a "kobob" was - her childhood Calcutta (or Kolkotha) accent coming to the fore, there.
EATING IN THE FIFTIES and SIXTIES (so, so true)
Pasta was not eaten in Australia or N.Z.
Curry was a surname.
A takeaway was a mathematical problem.
A pizza was something to do with a leaning tower.
All potato crisps were plain; the only choice we had was whether to put the salt on or not.
Rice was only eaten as a milk pudding.
Calamari was called squid and we used it as fish bait.
A Big Mac was what we wore when it was raining.
Brown bread was something only poor people ate.
Oil was for lubricating, fat was for cooking.
Tea was made in a teapot using tea leaves and never green.
Sugar enjoyed a good press in those days, and was regarded as being white gold. Cubed sugar was regarded as posh.
Fish didn't have fingers in those days.
Eating raw fish was called poverty, not sushi.
None of us had ever heard of yoghurt.
Healthy food consisted of anything edible.
People who didn't peel potatoes were regarded as lazy. (Except on Bonfire night)
Indian restaurants were only found in India.
Cooking outside was called camping.
Seaweed was not a recognised food.
"Kebab" was not even a word, never mind a food.
Prunes were medicinal.
Surprisingly, muesli was readily available, it was called cattle feed.
Water came out of the tap. If someone had suggested bottling it and charging more than petrol for it, they would have become a laughing stock!!.
BUT the one thing that we never ever had on our table in the sixties....Elbows or Phones
A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with a see-through blouse on and no bra.
Her grandmother has a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that!
The teenager tells her 'Loosen up Grams.’ These are modern times. You gotta let your rose buds show!' And out she goes..
The next day the teenager comes down stairs, and her grandmother is sitting there with no top on.
The teenager wants to die! She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over, and that it is just not appropriate…
The grandmother says, 'Loosen up, Sweetie.’ If you can show off your rose buds, then I can display my hanging baskets.
When you open the trunk, who is happy to see you?
Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.
That’s just how I roll.
I had to clean out my spice rack and found everything was too old and had to be thrown out. What a waste of thyme.
My blood type is B Negative.
Actually mine is sss O positive. lol
"What rhymes with orange"
I said "No it doesn't"
Now here are a few in my weird and wacky taste - my bad. Few few are silly giggles. lol I apologise in advance.
1. A man is walking in the desert with his horse and his dog when the dog says,
“I can’t do this. I need water.”
The man says, “I didn’t know dogs could talk.”
The horse says, “Me neither!”
2. How Long is a Chinese man’s name.
No, it actually is.
3. What did the green grape say to the purple grape?
OMG!!!!!!! BREATHE!! BREATHEEEEE!!!!!
4. What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?
Same middle name.
5. My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.
6. A husband and wife were driving through Louisiana.
As they approached Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town.
They argued back and forth, then they stopped for lunch.
At the counter, the husband asked the blonde waitress,
“Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are very slowly?”
She leaned over the counter and said, “Burrr-gerrr Kiiing.”
A. They're both cauld ron.
A. A hippo is really heavy, and a Zippo is a little lighter.
Boom! boom!
I find them quite re-markable.
“Sure,” they said, “as long as you provide your own kennel.”
They further explained that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around, and roll over.
The flummoxed customer said :
“I’ll never be able to teach him all of that by tomorrow!”
Some Day My Prints Will Come!
Here are some queries posed to the poor, suffering staff of public libraries:
• A woman wanted “inspirational material on grass and lawns.”
• “Who built the English Channel?”
• “Is there a full moon every night in Acapulco?”
• “Music suitable for a doll wedding to take place between a Shirley Temple doll and a teddy bear.”
• “Can the New York Public Library recommend a good forger?”
I started to describe him: “He has grey hair, wears glasses, has a potbelly ...”
She stopped me there.
“Honey,” she said, “today is senior day. They all look like that.”
They finally went with mine.
“I guess you decided you prefer an autumn scene to a floral,” I said.
“No,” said the boy. “Your painting’s wider, so it’ll cover three holes in our wall.”