Jokes needed to lighten our day. Enter at your own risk!

Why do ants never get sick?

Because they have little antibodies.

Why don't blind people skydive?

Their dogs hate it.

A guy is in a doctors office. His doctor is there with him.

"I have two pieces of bad news," the doctor says.

"What are they?"

"Well, the first piece of news is that you have cancer."

"What's the 2nd piece of news?" he asks.

"Well, the 2nd piece of bad news is that you have Alzheimer's."

The man laughs and says, "Well, at least I don't have cancer."

Why did the half blind man fall into a well?

He couldn’t see that well.

Why do you never see hippos hiding in trees?

Because they're very good at it.

Courage is knowing it might hurt,
and doing it anyway.
Stupidity is the same.
And that's why life is hard.

Husband sent me on an errand yesterday to staples for ink.

I never bought ink before, have very little to do with the computer in general.

I told the guy , I can't find the right ink. The cartridge I brought from home, to compare with, had a Y on the numbers. The only ink cartridge with a Y on it is yellow, I don't want yellow, but the black color ends with a bk, but I'm looking for a Y

Wow he looked at me like I must of been the dumbest person in the world

Turns out the Y ment Yellow. Bk means black. Lol

I gave him something to laugh about all day. 😂

This is not a joke but humorous. Might not translate unless you know someone with aunts acerbic wit.
For further context…DH aunt (97) has a new roomie, Cheryl. She is a younger woman. May only be in her late 60s. Nice thick hair in a pony, wears shorts sometimes and very outgoing. Maybe a little too needy for aunt.

She comments often that aunt won’t talk to her. she is mobile, able to wonder about and attend functions. Aunt, bedfast, on hospice for years, appreciates her privacy and doesn’t seem to want to interact, probably because she is not one to suffer fools lightly.
I leave it alone as aunt is still able to communicate her likes/dislikes. usually by closing her eyes and pretending to sleep. That takes care of most casual visitors.

Aunt really doesn’t talk often anymore to anyone but on a good day she will. She certainly isn’t going to talk on demand. I have advised Cheryl that it might take Aunt getting comfortable.

Aunts long time aide, Susie, was bringing her back from a shower. She had aunt all dolled up. Cheryl saw aunt and said “you look so pretty”.

Aunt said to Susie, the aide, “was she talking to me?” (probably the most Cheryl has heard her say)

Susie replied, “She said you look pretty”.

Aunt quickly quipped “Tell her I don’t have a dime”. Yep. She’s still in there.

The definition of laziness:

resting before you're tired.

Hope we didn't need that.
--Me, vacuuming.

Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.

People love it when you kiss them on the back of the neck. But not when they're driving. And you're in the back seat. And they didn't know you were there.

Mondays are like potholes in the road.

What’s the best part of a Monday? The ending.

Tuesday is just a sign to show that I survived Monday.

Coffee ✅
Coffee✅
Another coffee ✅

I love checking things off my list!

I wish common sense was more common.

Never lie in bed at night asking yourself questions that you can’t answer.

- Charles Schulz

I can't wait for us to grow old together and live in a nursing home. Can you imagine the chaos? We will destroy this place as soon as we get there.

If we're on a plane that is about to crash, and there is just one parachute. I promise to give the best speech at your funeral.

You call me your - best friend - , but where the heck were you when my selfie only got four likes?

Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So, inevitably both are disappointed.

- Albert Einstein

My biggest fear is dying and going to hell, but then I look at you and realize that you will definitely be coming with me.

Hey buddy, I think that you and I will definitely be friends forever.
Do you know why? Because we are too lazy to find new pals.

Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.

This killing them with kindness is taking way longer than I expected.

I’m allergic to stupidity. I break out in sarcasm.

Sometimes I wish that I was an octopus so I could slap eight people at once.

Someday I am going to eye roll myself into another dimension.

If your husband leaves his clothes on the floor it means that he doesn’t want them. It’s okay to throw them away. I’ll be back tomorrow with more marriage tips and advice.

When people say, “You’re going to regret that in the morning” I sleep until noon. I’m a problem solver.

Funny things that grandparents say:

I am going to bed. Y’all can stay as long as you like.

Come here and tell me all that you know. Ought not take too long.

Don’t believe anything that you hear and only believe about half of what you see.