Sad but true confession: MIL's SNF called yesterday and said they are opening in-person visits. Haven't seen her since March 10. I dread dread dread returning on Saturday. I'm afraid of being sucked back down that rabbit hole. She's back with Hospice and diagnosed Stage 6E Alzheimers. I hoped and prayed she would simply go peacefully in her sleep (she's 96 now). Seven months wasn't long enough to rejuvenate me from all the years of grief and emotional abuse she heaped on me.
Ugh. Thanks for listening and (hopefully) not judging.
I just visit and intro myself and I let her know when she gets nasty I can go and we can try again tomorrow....she usually realizes she much have some one to talk with and visit...
But i paint nails 💅 and bring her a milk shake. We have a great time..and I don't give two ____ they say 6feet..she is old sick and has no clue what the world problems and needs this already confuseed enough. Good luck and God bless. I am my mother's daughter..)
As others have said she is used to the new norm so don't rock the boat. The only reason you would go is if there are fond memories that you want to rekindle. Apparently that is not the case here so just realize it will only be hurting you if you do go, she is beyond recognition at this point.
What is the reason you need to visit your MIL?
I don't actually need to visit my relative, but definately feel obliged to. I have to weigh up what will be worse, going or not going!
What is making you dread the visit? Is it something you can control/change?
My stress levels went right down at the beginning of lockdown and I've been dreading the letter saying we can go back in (it came this week, despite worrying rises in national COVID levels). I am not proud of myself for feeling like this, as many of the AL residents have suffered badly from isolation. My mum doesn't go out much or like people much, so it was less hard for her, though to hear her a few months ago you would have thought coronavirus was a plot cooked up just to annoy her!
My husband and I were falling out in February - actually to the point of blows being struck - over how much time we (mostly he) spent doing things with and for her, and although I have begun counselling and read about setting boundaries, I too am terrified of getting back into the old pattern of doing things for Mum that she could do herself and being taken for granted.
I have spent over 50 years being neglected emotionally and belittled by my mother, but still feel it is my duty to support her in some way, especially as her life is - largely owing to her own nature and poor choices - closing down around her and has very little pleasure in it, even though her health is not that bad.
If you don't like where a conversation is going, change the subject.
Mare the Visit short and sweet.
Reminese about good times.
Play music she use to like to hear.
Bring her a shake or some other favorite food or drink.
Give her a foot massage.
Read to her.
Tell her a story.
I felt an obligation to visit him even though the staff is very good. Over the years it became easier. i learned to protect myself. I leaned to harden my heart. I was there to do a job; to make sure he had what he needed and wanted to be as happy as he could be. It was a job. I did it the best I could. I did it out of love. And when it was done I left my feelings in his apartment.
Well,I tried to do that. My wife will tell you that I brought some home. And she didn't like that. And I get it. It wasn't pleasant for her to here my complaints; my sad story.
It was for her that I learned to let it go. I thank her for that.
You don't have to do the same as me. But I will say that it feels good now that he has passed that I know what care he did get, that it was good care, that I know how he was in his final years.
Consider how you will feel when she is gone. Will you wish you would have done differently? If you won't regret not visiting then don't.
You need to protect yourself. Take care of yourself. Do that before taking care of others.
I'm not going back in the near future. No COVID restrictions, just not interested in being on the forefront of her negativity.
She has plenty of 'eyes' on her. If I don't see her before she passes away, that is OK. NHWM is right---some relationships just end.
Just because they called doesn’t necessarily mean that they were telling you to visit.
The facility was most likely making calls to notify resident’s families that visitation is open again. I wouldn’t feel any obligation to do so.
My husband had a horribly miserable grandmother. She caused so much grief for everyone in the family that no one was at her bedside even when she died.
She was so hateful that she didn’t have one single friend. Even the ladies from her church stopped visiting her.
My in-laws chose to pay caregivers extra money for them to stick around. She remained at home with 2 live in caregivers.
She probably would have gotten kicked out of a facility! Good thing she had lots of money to pay for private care.
Personally, I feel the same way about funerals. Why do people attend funerals of people they hated? Don’t go.
Be at peace with your decision not to go. Do not add stress to your life. Even people who forgive others don’t always resume a relationship with them. It’s over.
None of us want Covid to exist but for those who were not fond of visiting people they had huge issues with got a break from seeing them.
Not every relationship is meant to be everlasting. People come and go in our lives. Some relationships end.
I found that my LO has progressed so much that she has no idea of her surroundings, can’t sit up, can’t lift head. Definitely, now 7(f). I’m considering my window visits.
If you don’t want to go, I’d not do it unless there was some compelling reason,
If you feel u should visit, once a week would be enough. You don't have to stay more than 15 min. I would be surprised if she knew you anyway. If not, good reason to not visit.
Wishing you peace and courage moving forward. And no judgment from anyone HERE or in your 'real life' at home.
Maybe she will have forgotten you, and you can contribute to her welfare from a distance.