She was diagnosed 2 years ago, my uncle lives out of state, has seen her once. He doesn't believe me, even though he's here and found out her money is still in her name, told me you haven't stole it yet! He has changed her locks and made certain demands. I'm not sure what other things he has done since he won't talk to me and I'm not allowed to see her. I have seen a lawyer and they have advised me to file a petition to be conservator. I'm an emotional mess, this involves a hearing and a lot of paperwork. He has returned home and has left my mom In the care of someone she's known less than 10 years and this person does not live here either, she has taken my mom home with her. I can't get any answers from this person either, other than she's with me and she's safe! I really don't know what to do, it seems extreme to report her as a missing person, which I have been advised to do. Has anyone here experienced anything like this. These people think my mom is normal and that I diagnosed her, I'm beginning to think I'm crazy. Neither one of them have spent more than a few days with her. I gave them the Drs name who diagnosed her but they were not interested in speaking to him! I feel like I'm living a really bad nightmare right now!
the most complicated aspect of your position may become; if mom is going to do battle with you from here out you may be limited in what you can do for her once a conservatorship is obtained. ( and i believe it will be, uncle doesnt know s**t. )
If the dementia has not yet progressed to where someone is mad as a hatter people who are not familiar with the person (like an uncle who lives out of state) can't tell a difference. My dad has dementia and the nursing home staff tell us how happy and positive he is all the time. The man is half dead and has completely lost his mind!
I am so sorry that you are going through such a nightmare. It must be a very helpless feeling. If there's a considerable amount of money involved I'd be suspicious of the uncle's motivation in showing up out of nowhere and bulldozing over you to get to your mom. And the person with whom your mom is staying may not be familiar enough with your mom to notice that something is off about her. Your mom's not missing so I wouldn't go that route but I would definitely consult an elder law attorney. What actions is your uncle taking? Why did he place your mom, his sister, with a third party?
Other than consulting with an attorney I don't know if there's much you can do and still stay within the confines of the law. You definitely don't want to go doing something rash and making the situation worse for yourself. But I would definitely consult a lawyer asap.
I think you need to do what the lawyer said. But I hate that you have to go through that. Best wishes and please, if you can, keep us updated. Your story may help someone in a similar position someday.
I can't help but think that any Dr. will be able to tell your uncle that yes, she has dementia. But as for finding out where this Dr. is and finding out when the appointment is and then going there to confront them....that could backfire on you in my opinion. You might come out of that looking like the irrational one.
I don't blame you for not being up for a custody fight. It'll cost you a bunch of money and be emotionally draining not to mention possibly exploit your mom and her dementia. What a mess! I can understand why you're so upset.
Does this uncle have issues? It seems rather strange that he would swoop in and just snatch your mom away from you. Are you a new caregiver to your mom or have you been her caregiver for a while? And if you've been your mom's caregiver for a while, why now? Why is your uncle doing this now? What is his problem? Is it possible that he wants his names on mom's accounts? I just can't help but think he's got ulterior motives.
My husband and I are going through something similar only it's his sister who has kidnapped his mom and moved somewhere with the mom but will not tell us the location. This is the sister who has been absent for years now feels she is entitled to all their mom's assets. Sil had my husband's name taken off of mil's documents by accusing him of stealing her money. He is a wonderful son and when this one was very disrespectful and always played the victim he was his moms caretaker. His mom is 92 and has dementia. The evil sis now has access to mil bank account and stocks. We feel helpless too. She is afraid to face us because she is stealing.
if the uncle is a conclusion jumping meddler he isnt likely the type to read literature with the intent of learning anything. ita apparent to me that america is struggling under a wave of elder / carer relationships and good standard criteria is not in place yet.
I can vouch for the "appearing normal" part of dementia. I'm sure you've realized by now that dementia patients can "put on a show" for outsiders, especially if, like your uncle they only see her occasionally. Your uncle may very well "want" for his Sis to be OK, and he can't be blamed for wanting to protect her.
Some years ago I had the privilege of listening to several AZ patients being interviewed, along with their caregivers. One, a 60-something well-educated dentist sat and confidently (and convincingly) asserted that he felt that he was fine left at home alone. Then his wife was asked what made her realize that he needed supervision. She said it was when she came home from running errands, & found her husband in the driveway with the chainsaw, getting ready to cut down all the palm trees. When she asked him why he admitted that he had no idea.
Your mother is likely to be very convincing, and may come up with every conceivable reason why she is OK and it's you that are the problem (this is why you are after her $, etc, etc etc). You still need to do whatever it takes to protect her, and the good news is that this is nothing new for the courts -- they've seen it all before. If you can get a non-conservatorship option in place that would be better (but likely to require your uncle's cooperation). If it DOES come to a conservatorship proving that you haven't taken the money & a Dr's note should help. Maybe have a thorough exam by a neurosurgeon if your Mom will agree to it (is this maybe what your uncle has arranged? Hopefully so!). For due diligence,if her Doc hasn't already done it maybe have a blood work-up to make sure that there isn't anything going on with meds/nutritional deficiency, etc.
All that said, at this point there are two things to address -- the first is to make sure that your mother is safe, that her assets are protected. Don't assume that either your uncle or the lady are "up to no good" --they haven't heard good things about you, so are justified in being suspicious.
The second is to try to allow her as much freedom and happiness as is possible while staying safe if she returns home (reconciling these two tasks require the wisdom of Solomon to, BTW). Our natural tendency (and that of APS) is to want to "protect" our elders by locking them in padded boxes for their own safety. Their instincts are to fight frantically for their freedom, no matter what. With dementia they are in in denial that there is a problem, since they feel "normal". They may be able to admit that there seem to be some small problems (with check-writing, etc.), however they are absolutely convinced that they "obviously" don't need help, and that their decision-making skills are "just fine". They are sure that they know exactly what they are doing, therefore it must be that everyone else is the problem (while some part of their brain knows that this explanation isn't correct though...it's sort of interesting).
Best of luck. If you don't feel like you can do the actual care, push your uncle to do it. Bet he dumps it on you once the Dr. confirms the dementia diagnosis. Good news is that maybe your Mom can get on meds (aricept maybe) that might help slow the progress of the disease.
The neighbors tried telling my uncle when he was here, I guess he just refuses to believe anyone. My lawyer has sent a letter with a mental capacity form filled out by the Dr. I'm going to print info from online that states the different stages of dementia and send it to him and see what happens! I think ignorance can make people do really irrational things and then pride keeps them from admitting they really screwed up! I think I'll just wait and see what happens after this next Drs appt when he confirms she has dementia!
Capnhardass - Yous got me all confused. It doesn't take much, though. I was just asking missymay if she thinks Dr. Phil is annoying with his book plugging. I have a feeling you probably don't watch the good Dr. I like his show but he constantly plugs his new book that his son published. It is ca ray zee !!!
Yes, lots of issues with elder care. A smart college kid would change his/her major to elder care-be it law, health or advocacy. They won't be without a job!