DH finally has to step up. Any advice?
Anyone who has read any of my posts about my very difficult MIL will know my backstory. A MIL who hates me profoundly. My SIL has carried this challenging burden for years and finally crashed and burned in the last month.
DH has happily sat back and let SIL do whatever, stepping in only long enough to give a day or two of respite, or to fix something in MIL's home. Other than that, he's been as distant as he can be, often going 3-4 months without seeing his mom.
He retired, 90% finished with some projects, so he's been enjoying sleeping in and golfing and just not having any 'responsibilities'.
Oops, spoke too soon. SIL broke her right foot and is supposed to be in a 'boot', resting it until they decide the course of action to repair it. Minimally, she is not to put weight on the foot, worse case, she is looking at surgery.
Again, right foot, so driving is a NO. Nevertheless, MIL doesn't see past her own needs and was still demanding SIL's presence on a daily basis.
2 weeks ago, MIL finally wore SIL out. SIL called DH late at night, crying that she just couldn't do it all anymore. In fairness, SIL really never asked for help.
Long story short, OB, DH and SIL got together with MIL's Dr and got a Hospice/In home care company to take over the daily grunt work. They had an all hands mtg with the company and the CNA who would care for MIL. MIL has very poor reasoning skills, to put it mildly, and assumed that b/c she saw all 3 of her kids at once! and the company's title says "Hospice Care" that she is actively dying. (I admit that the title to the co. is VERY off putting, but it is what it is). She's NOT actively dying.
MIL immediately stopped eating, stopped taking her meds and within 2 days was sick and falling down. It took ANOTHER meeting to explain to her that the co is simply taking over her daily care. Checking her vitals, supplying oxygen, making sure she is eating, etc. IDK how often they come in, but it's at least 4 times a week. Our OD is doing her grocery shopping and delivering groceries. Anything that happens while MIL is alone, she is to call the CARE COMPANY first, not one of her kids.
This is the best of a bad situation. She is mad, DH said she yelled at him all day long the other day and he came home dispirited and sad. His eyes are finally open, and he doesn't like what he's seeing.
3 days this week he spent with her-about 5 hrs per day and yesterday he didn't even get out of bed. He was so exhausted and already burned out. I'm seeing the light come on in his eyes that he has let his sweet sister handle this for FAR too long. He is now in this for the long haul.
My heart aches for him, but this is what has to happen, at least until she gets bad enough to be 'forced' to go into care (she's at home).
The other night, he was SO depressed and said "I don't know if I can stand this, my mom is SO AWFUL." Yep, I know.
I told him b/c she will not allow me in her home, nor accept ANYTHING that I might be able to do for her, all I can do is not put any pressure on him to do anything here at home. I will support him by taking care of our lives. He's very grateful, I know, but he has no idea how bad this is going to get.
There's no question here, just a vent, I guess. It's so sad when people cannot or won't see other's needs and put themselves and their wants ahead of everything else. DH is struggling and is going to have to figure out a way to navigate this new normal. It's definitely what I DID NOT want to have happen when he retired, but it is what it is.
My grandma used to always say "if you don't serve as a good example, then you're probably going to serve as a horrible warning".
I am SO GRATEFUL that my mom passed when she did. We didn't get to this point with her, thank goodness.
Obviously, this will not work why not start putting the wheels in motion?
IMO, no one should give up their retirement for another when there are other options available.
Just my 2 cents, good luck, you are going to need it!
I will tell you that it finally came down to a united front and putting our foot down collectively and telling him we weren't doing it anymore and that he could hire someone full time 24/7 to take care of him. Or he had to be moved to a skilled nursing facility.
We moved him yesterday.
The best of luck to you. It is exhausting. And it is even more so when the person you are taking care of have so little regard for anyone but themselves.
I was in your sister in law’s shoes. I cared for my mother for far too long without any help from my brothers.
I felt obligated to care for my mom. The truth is that I was not obligated to do it. Placement would have been a better solution for everyone.
You and your husband are opposites. You have empathy. He lacks empathy. If he has been this way for this long, why would you expect him to change now?
Sure, it’s nice when family members help each other out but it rarely works out that way. It’s usually dumped on one person and almost always it is the daughter.
Honestly, your husband nor any of the other children are obligated to care for your mother in law.
Your sister in law is going to have to put an end to this madness by placing her mom in a facility. Then your DH and other family members can choose to visit her or not visit her.
So, if you want to help in this situation. There is only one thing that you can say to your sister in law, which is, “You have done more than your share. My husband and I are not going to care for your mom. She needs to be placed in a facility as soon as possible so you can be free from this burden.”
Best wishes to you and your family. I hope that your MIL gets placed so your sister in law can resume her life.
I must be missing something because I still do not understand why everyone is hopping around trying to keep this crazy old woman at home and not yelling at them. WHY??
I truly hope that things stay stable for a while so you can all recover a bit before the next crisis occurs. It will. Believe me, it will.
It may start when she doesn't call the care company first. You know she's not going to do that. Don't you?
i wish you well, your DH and your poor SIL, who's dealt with this for years.
and i wish all us caregivers well - in particular right now, i'm thinking of those with very difficult, mean elderly LOs.
Your mother in law isn’t a pleasant person to be around. I am sure that none her children want to care for her.
I truly think DH is going to burn out within a month, and I mean, he will refuse to do hands on CG for her. But he has to get there 'by himself'.
This situation was such a great example of what we call 'mission creep'. You offer to do one thing and before you know it, you're running someone else's life to the detriment of your own!
B/C DH has been SO out of the picture for so long--this all is a huge shock to him. Couple weeks ago--before the care company came on--MIL was complaining of chest pains. Her heart is FINE, but she has chronic panic attacks and when she has one, she calls SIL, SIL races up there (it's about a 40 minute drive) and MIL refuses to call 911 and SIL is so well trained to never say 'no'...IDK what she does! Gives her an Ativan and then she calms down and SIL goes back home.
DH went to see MIL on Easter Sunday--she didn't answer her door (she's 90% deaf and usually doesn't answer, so he didn't worry.) He came home and later I asked if she was OK. He said "oh, she didn't answer the door so I just came home." I looked at him and said "she was complaining of chest pains, nausea and was faint and you didn't BOTHER to open the door and walk in and physically CHECK on her?" He said "Oh, I figured she was at SIL's for dinner." "Did you CALL SIL to make sure that's where she was?"
It had not even OCCURED to him that maybe she was lying on the floor somewhere, hurt, sick, dead...I just looked at him and said "You seriously cannot be that stupid! Minimally, you should have called SIL. If you didn't lay eyes on her, and couldn't get hold of SIL, you call 911!!"
It just truly does not resonate with him. It does now.
I think they have made that horrible promise that they will NEVER put her in a home. IDK. She's got them trained like monkeys.
These are not stupid people, but their thought processes simply elude me. ANY complaint of chest pain and breathlessness and dizziness should be a 911 call. Period. All she needs to do is take a darn Ativan and in 30 minutes, she's fine. That's not a heart attack. That's panic.
BTW, my BIL, who is 74 yo himself and in poor health, just found out his wife has dementia and it is progressing rapidly. He hasn't lived in the state for 45 years and moved back to be near grandkids. He has stated firmly he will do nothing to care for her, and I agree--his care of his wife is way more important.
It's going to be a hard learning curve, but DH did comment to me that I had had it a LOT easier with my mom. I said "Because after a bad day with her I would drive around for an hour screaming and crying in my car so I didn't bring the toxic home with me."
He'll learn. Maybe he has to learn to be empathetic through this trial.
Your grandmother's quote is excellent. I'll be borrowing it in the future.
" If you don't serve as a good example, then you're probably going to serve as a horrible warning."
I'm just hoping he learns some things from this.
His relationship with his mother is awful--she was so abusive to him and his OB. I know neither one has been able to forgive her for the abuse (physical, mental and emotional)---she beat the sh&t out of them on a daily basis until they were finally big enough to stand up to her. After that, it was emotional/mental abuse. OB became a psychiatrist to try to figure out WHY she was like this. OB left home the day after HS graduation and basically cut all ties with her.
I, personally, am just kind of waiting for that fall that lands her in the hospital (she's had several)--and from there the segue into a facility will be easier.
I imagine it will get MUCH worse before it gets 'better'.
She has promised to 'follow the rules' b/c if she doesn't, she will be placed. She knows that and it terrifies her. We'll see if she can behave.
This is all 'new' so we have to give it time. I am patient and think this is going to be 'good' for DH. We're giving up our trip to France this summer b/c we can't leave for 2 weeks. Ah well---I'm just going to keep things calm here and keep on being me.
I don't want to see her go into a NH, but I truly think it is inevitable.
Dh is going to start seeing a therapist again to deal with this. That's huge.
I think being away and unavailable is EXACTLY what's called for.
You have all been dancing to this seriously mentally ill person's tune for far too long.
Find a Geriatric Care Manager and leave HER in charge for the 2 weeks you are gone.
You have only to look over at Lealonnie's thread, or remember Becky to see that those of us in our mid 60s are not promised lots of time keft on earth.
So glad dh is going back to therapy. Hopefully out if that will come some good boundary setting. Also so glad you stepped out of this game a while ago. I think you know the sibs have to back out and professional care has to take over more and more. It's not an easy transition for many.
Thanks for updating us, even if only a vent, and like Golden I am glad if hubby will seek some help. I just hope it is a "good one". I am hearing so often now of those who just sit, listen, and collect the bills. The best ones, to my mind, shake up our habitual ways of thinking and acting. I sometimes think Dr. Laura cuts to the chase in 5 minutes and you often hear her listeners say "I get it now. I spent 5 years in therapy but now, after 5 minutes with you, I GET it".
Good luck ongoing and take good care of yourself, because Barb is correct, no one is guaranteed time whether they are 50 or 100. It is not to be squandered. My best out to you.
I do appreciate that you have enormous empathy for people. I also have empathy for others. That in itself isn’t necessarily a bad thing but it can lead to us not caring for ourselves as much as we should.
In your response to my earlier post, you said that you didn’t expect your husband to change but that you would like him to learn something from all of this. I think that you would have more peace if you let him be him and you be you.
Your husband doesn’t have to feel the same way that you do. It’s his right not to forgive his mother if he chooses not to forgive her.
Forgiveness is wonderful when it is appropriate. I believe in giving others a second chance, but hasn’t this woman been given enough chances already?
Your MIL is a mean hearted woman. DH could give her the entire world wrapped up in a beautiful ribbon and she still wouldn’t be satisfied. Right?
Some people are never going to be happy. Accept that your DH knows how his mom is.
It looks like his older brother is enjoying his life and doesn’t have a care in the world about how his mom is doing. He is wise enough not to be involved in the madness. Take a page out of his book.
My husband doesn’t feel exactly as I do on certain things and that is fine with me. I don’t want a carbon copy of myself. Nor do I wish to be his carbon copy. We allow each other to be who we are.
I hope that this all works out for everyone.
Live your lives! Take vacations! Do whatever you wish to do!
I get the impression SIL is done since MIL has help. I think that DH had his head in the sand like most people do when it comes to caring for a parent. Until you do it, you have no idea what is involved. I will bet now DH sees what goes into caring for his mother, she will be placed sooner than later.
And you Mid, I may make sure when the opportunity arises, to tell him if he had stuck up for you with his Mom from the beginning, u would have gladly helped. But he allowed his mother to abuse you. Treating you like u were nothing. And there was no way you were going to continue to care for someone that mean. And he should have never expected it.
Go to France while you are able to and convince SIL to put mom in respite care for 2 weeks while you are gone.
That old bi-ches reign of terror needs to end now. But it won't until she dies. I feel worse for SIL because she is more entangled with mom than your DH.
God knows you've had more than enough put on your plate. It's time for MIL to be placed. Your husband and his sister do not have to make their lives hell on earth to cater to the demands of their demanding ingrate mother.
There's no reason on earth why you and your man should be missing out on the vacation in France. MIL can be placed in a care faclity for respite while you are away.
If she's not eating and has started falling, this alone is reason enough for her to be placed in facility care.
Your husband's life is with you. Not with his demanding and unreasonable mother. Your home should not be neglected because he has to put in all his time and energy with mother.
Enough is enough.
Your SIL breaking her foot may be a blessing in disguise for everyone. That poor woman shouldn't have to be dealing with all of this either.
There are options. Live-in help. Facility placement. Your husband and his sister aren't the only solutions. They are the only ones that MIL will "allow". It's not about what she will allow. It's about how much her family will.
No one has to be her flying monkey or tolerate any of her BS. When she has "chest pains" call 911 and have her taken to the ER. Then ask to see a social worker. Tell them she lives alone and cannot manage on her own and refuses homecare (trust me, she will start refusing homecare very soon). They will place her.
She was a bad and abusive mother to her children. She treats the woman her son loves, his wife (you) like a POS. She doesn't deserve nor should she expect her family to take care of her now.
She is lucky that her children even speak to her let alone try to help her in her elderly neediness.
Place her and none of you should have a moment of guilt about it. Maybe the new care people can help with that.
There were times when I did therapy alone and other times when my husband joined in. I truly hope that you will be able to live in harmony with each other.
It is extremely helpful to have an objective mediator who can guide you in the right direction.
Nothing good will come from them staying home.
They need to take a page out of DH’s older brother’s book who has nothing to do with the madness. Good for him!
Never miss a mammogram.
Never miss a doc appointment that is a follow-up to a potential problem.
Never miss an opportunity to be with my grandchildren.
Never miss a planned vacation with my husband.
Never think that going to see my mom was more important than my or my husband's health, physical or mental.
You? Or DH?
She hasn’t followed any rules as of yet. I seriously doubt that she is going to start following the rules anytime soon. She wants everyone to follow her rules and that is what all of you are doing. So, stop playing the game her way.
Of course, she is afraid of being placed. It’s normal to have a fear of the unknown but guess what? She will adapt to her surroundings.
I have an idea. You can go to France with someone else. Hubby can stay home if he wants to.
Or did you cancel France? In that case, DH can go to France and you can stay home.
I’m being facetious but I am reminded of something that my therapist said to me once. He said that if my husband doesn’t want to join me in doing something that I should do it with others.
One reason why your MIL is continuing to behave so badly is because she knows that she can get away with it.
If no one goes along with her nonsense, she won’t have any incentive to get you to stand on your heads, do backflips and jump through hoops for her.
Stop being easy prey for her to attack!
Tell your sister in law about this forum so she can vent. She’s the one who has taken the brunt of your MIL’s abuse.
My guess is MIL will totally try to maintain control for as long as possible. That's ok. It's her fight.. her lesson to learn too: That not everyone or everything is in her control.