DH finally has to step up. Any advice?
Anyone who has read any of my posts about my very difficult MIL will know my backstory. A MIL who hates me profoundly. My SIL has carried this challenging burden for years and finally crashed and burned in the last month.
DH has happily sat back and let SIL do whatever, stepping in only long enough to give a day or two of respite, or to fix something in MIL's home. Other than that, he's been as distant as he can be, often going 3-4 months without seeing his mom.
He retired, 90% finished with some projects, so he's been enjoying sleeping in and golfing and just not having any 'responsibilities'.
Oops, spoke too soon. SIL broke her right foot and is supposed to be in a 'boot', resting it until they decide the course of action to repair it. Minimally, she is not to put weight on the foot, worse case, she is looking at surgery.
Again, right foot, so driving is a NO. Nevertheless, MIL doesn't see past her own needs and was still demanding SIL's presence on a daily basis.
2 weeks ago, MIL finally wore SIL out. SIL called DH late at night, crying that she just couldn't do it all anymore. In fairness, SIL really never asked for help.
Long story short, OB, DH and SIL got together with MIL's Dr and got a Hospice/In home care company to take over the daily grunt work. They had an all hands mtg with the company and the CNA who would care for MIL. MIL has very poor reasoning skills, to put it mildly, and assumed that b/c she saw all 3 of her kids at once! and the company's title says "Hospice Care" that she is actively dying. (I admit that the title to the co. is VERY off putting, but it is what it is). She's NOT actively dying.
MIL immediately stopped eating, stopped taking her meds and within 2 days was sick and falling down. It took ANOTHER meeting to explain to her that the co is simply taking over her daily care. Checking her vitals, supplying oxygen, making sure she is eating, etc. IDK how often they come in, but it's at least 4 times a week. Our OD is doing her grocery shopping and delivering groceries. Anything that happens while MIL is alone, she is to call the CARE COMPANY first, not one of her kids.
This is the best of a bad situation. She is mad, DH said she yelled at him all day long the other day and he came home dispirited and sad. His eyes are finally open, and he doesn't like what he's seeing.
3 days this week he spent with her-about 5 hrs per day and yesterday he didn't even get out of bed. He was so exhausted and already burned out. I'm seeing the light come on in his eyes that he has let his sweet sister handle this for FAR too long. He is now in this for the long haul.
My heart aches for him, but this is what has to happen, at least until she gets bad enough to be 'forced' to go into care (she's at home).
The other night, he was SO depressed and said "I don't know if I can stand this, my mom is SO AWFUL." Yep, I know.
I told him b/c she will not allow me in her home, nor accept ANYTHING that I might be able to do for her, all I can do is not put any pressure on him to do anything here at home. I will support him by taking care of our lives. He's very grateful, I know, but he has no idea how bad this is going to get.
There's no question here, just a vent, I guess. It's so sad when people cannot or won't see other's needs and put themselves and their wants ahead of everything else. DH is struggling and is going to have to figure out a way to navigate this new normal. It's definitely what I DID NOT want to have happen when he retired, but it is what it is.
My grandma used to always say "if you don't serve as a good example, then you're probably going to serve as a horrible warning".
I am SO GRATEFUL that my mom passed when she did. We didn't get to this point with her, thank goodness.
I recall MID asking YS to please keep her in the loop about the schedule and how she was ignored. I recall OB telling MID to get out of the house and stay out of it after MIL died when she was sorting jewelry.
I agree with everyone else that it should not matter to MID one bit about YS and OB and what they want and them not getting their inheritance as fast as they want it. OB left everyone twisting in the wind about MIL's house while he went on a three week vacation. And too bad for YS who can't seem to manage her own finances. I guess she's going to have to learn the hard and fast way for the moment.
If YS or OB calls her about it MID should simply redirect them to speaking to her DH and leave it at that. DH clearly needs some serious counseling to come to terms with everything his mother put him through from childhood to adulthood. But based on what MID has implied he has pretty much been doing this constant bed rotting thing for a long time and not just this past year.
These siblings of your husband's wouldn't even cross the street to p!ss on you if you were on fire when their mother was alive. You were kicked in the teeth time and again by their awful, hateful, belittling behavior and now you care about their inheritance?
You need to get therapy for this because you are a square peg trying to fit yourself in their screwy hole. This is not being a good person or being a good Christian, this is being interfering and clueless! Sorry, I know that is harsh and I mean it with love and respect for you but, you have some serious issues that keep causing you heartache.
Take your husband on a long vacation, right now! He needs a change of pace to get him out of the quagmire of horsepoop that he has been in for far to long. Your BIL got to go have a real break, why can't you and your husband? Go some places that have interesting and fun things you can do solo and golf to get hubby outta bed. Then maybe he will have the bandwidth to deal with what must be the worst job he has ever faced. None of us can understand the confusing emotions he is obviously dealing with.
Finding out he was further abused by the thing he called mom, her being flush with cash and using his labor for free and paying SIL for her help, well, that would mess with anyone's head. Give him the grace to get a breath of air she didn't breathe and give him a break, plan a vacation! For NOW!!
Neither of those jerks you call BIL and SIL deserve you to care about their lives or their financial distress brought on by their choices. I, personally, can't believe you would even interact with their bs, not after them treating you so abominablely for your entire marriage. They are using you! Do not buy into it and get your heart stomped on again. You destroyed the brown rug, don't replace it!
Wake up woman!!
NGE - they are involving her now because those apples didn't fall far from the mom tree, use and abuse is okay for them as long as they benefit.
As others have said, one of the other siblings will need to step in to address MIL’s estate. .
Focus on getting your husband to realize he has to address his depression. He needs help. Maybe you need to threaten you will leave if he doesn’t get help. Living like this is not healthy for you either. This is not fair.
Frankly, with the way his family has treated you like a second-class citizen, were I in your shoes, I wouldn't waste one minute even trying to get DH off his rear end to probate this estate. Unless you guys were in dire need of the money, which you aren't.
When your SIL calls you to nag about your husband getting off his rump, simply tell her you'll "give him the message". That should be about the extent of your assistance to her. Considering that OB/YS made it perfectly clear to you - in both words and actions - that your services/advice weren't needed when it came time for MIL's care and placement, why they think you should intervene NOW when there's money involved is really galling.
Stop worrying about the estate being settled , it’s not in your control . That’s between the 3 sibs . It’s not your problem if YS really needs the money either .
Take a step back from this estate business . You are not named in the will as a beneficiary , therefore it really isn’t any of your business , and I could see your DH telling you that it isn’t your business .
Your DH’s siblings will have to deal with your DH over this. If YS or OB asks for you to get involved you should say NO and Stay out of it so you and DH don’t have marital stress over it .
Take care of you .
1. The financials. Yes we found that DH had to notify everyone. BUT as far as cashing things out - it really depends on how they are set up. If MIL had DH, OB and YS set up beneficiaries - ANY of them could have initiated the cash out as long they had the death certificate and submitted the right paperwork because it was just for their portion of the payout (meaning DH and SIL split 50/50 but they BOTH had to submit separate paperwork to get their portion of annuities etc). There maybe SOME things that YS can get started on her own behalf if DH is not going to get moving.
2. Closing out of the estate - I don't know if this is true of all states - but in ours if the final inventory and receipts are not filed within an year - there are penalties/fees.
I'm so sorry this is happening with DH. Unfortunately -it's not shocking - considering your MIL. That's a lot of mental baggage to process. And the level of guilt she unloaded on them in her final years was ridiculous.
DH is definitely going to have to address the depression. He's going to have to kick into gear and handle this but it doesn't sound like he will do anything without a major prodding. Perhaps if OB does push he will be able to do it one thing at a time.
Your DH (unfortunately much like mine) has been a victim of narcissistic abuse for many years. And this takes its toll on people in so many ways. I honestly was SHOCKED when DH and SIL were able to make so many decisions so fast - they are typically completely paralyzed by decisions. Our biggest issue has been keeping SIL's DH on the sidelines and not letting him try to take control and let them manage their own father's estate.
Under normal circumstances I would say he will handle it in his own time - but given the that these are NOT normal circumstances - maybe it is time for an intervention of some sort!
Praying for some kind of intervention to happen, just to give you a break already.
A depressed husband can suck the life from a relationship. Been there!
I so hate treating my Dh like a child, but he sure can act like one.
Since his OB is back in town, I AM going to reach out to him to have a heart to heart with DH. HE is the ONLY person Dh will listen to. It was OB who said "ENOUGH" and did all the legwork to get MIL installed in an ALF. If it had been up to DH and his sister, it never would have happened.
I personally think of he addresses the depression, the other things will fall into place.
Do any of your children have any influence with him? I honestly don't know how you can continue in this marriage as it is. Many many people are depressed. It would be advantageous for him to seek treatment. Maybe it will take awhile but there needs to be a step in that direction.
Can your son who is a lawyer offer advice? In reality DH is behaving in a grave and delinquent manner regarding the estate. It is not his right to do that.
Personally I think this should all be brought before legal counsel whether he favors that,doesn't feel it is necessary or God knows what else.
Unless those of you in the family who are able to get out of bed take some method obviously things will not change and he is acting in an incredibly selfish manner. Please stand up to this. Otherwise just carry on with no results.
Review the mail, we can talk about a destination
Call the broker, we can consider hotels
Get a date for liquidation, we can talk about making reservations
See the doctor about depression, we can book the trip
I hope there is a positive turn coming your way soon.
DH is doing nothing to push the liquidation of MIL's estate. He's made a few phone calls and has gone to one bank to drop off a death certificate, but for the most part, all he is doing is sleeping, all day, every day. He says he is 'waiting' for a phone call from some broker. Well--CALL HIM BACK! DH called once and left a message. This guy is not invested at all in helping, and needs a swift kick in the tush to get things rolling.
YS has called DH few times. I can hear the anxiety in her voice as she inquires as to what is going on (nothing). idk how DH can so effectively ignore everything. There's a pile of paperwork that keeps sliding onto the floor in the office b/c he won't open it and won't look at it. YS really, really needs the money. Why DH opts to spend each day sleeping in the bed, the tub and his recliner and won't do anything is beyond me.
Yes, he is depressed. Just as I knew he would become.
I think he now needs to turn all this over the OB, who is now home from his 'last' trip with his wife. (She is getting much worse and is very hard to travel with)...OB doesn't want to do this, but DH just won't. I don't want to dump this ion OB, but I'm powerless and DH is useless.
DH says he wants to take some trips. I am going to tell him that I will go nowhere with him until he has addressed the depression seriously.
He has a cold. Literally, just a cold, and we are looking down the barrel of day #6 of a COLD.
Well-at least a decision will be made about the house this week, and that's the biggest transaction. DH will have minimal stuff to do with that. It's the stocks, bonds & investments that he personally needs to access and liquidate. Yet day after day go by and he does nothing.
I'm not surprised at all. I am angry, a bit and tired of this drama, which as long as all MIL's financial crap is sitting here, is not going to be done for another year.
Oh well...that's the update. Is anyone surprised he is so uninvolved? I'm not, but I'm sure as heck not happy about it. The longer he lets this sit, the harder it will be to push through the ennui and get it done.
I was the executrix for my mom's estate. Fortunately, she had no real estate to worry about, and she held everything in trust, so I didn't have to go through probate at all. It was just do the application for the estate tax ID number, liquidate the accounts, distribute the funds and have the accountant do the final returns. She died in the beginning of October and I was able to get the estate settled by the end of the year, so I only had to worry about the 2 returns.
I am so grateful to her that she spent the money and took the time to set up the trust, it made everything so much easier when she passed.
Something seems to come up every day, and my mom's estate is small and uncomplicated (other than my brother). I'm dealing with it while working. Idk know how DH can manage a million dollar estate when sleeping most of the day. I'm not saying this to be sarcastic or critical. I'm just realizing how monumental of a job it is. I really wish I could just close the book on all of this.
Edit: Since we cross posted lol. Never mind lol :-)
The attorney who set up MIL's will isn't even around, to my knowledge. And it's not a complicated thing, it's the problem that DH is serious procrastinator--since WE don't need the money, he doesn't think about it. When his dad died, he'd get a call from his YS and the next thing you know, I was racing out to her place with a check for her portion of--whatever. They spent that money as fast as they got it. Same thing is going on now.
I'm pushing him a little today. Hoping that the WF accts are in the bank and ready to be paid out. He hasn't done but the one acct all week, opting to sleep 3 days this week.
I think he feels it seems 'grasping' to be closing out accounts. Well, it's just money, and the money markets, etc, don't have feelings. It's NOT disrespectful to cash out the estate. His mother no longer cares about such things. I think it's WAY more disrespectful to ignore the wishes of the deceased.
He and his OB had a falling out (politics) so we won't be talking to him for the duration. It's so stupid to look at these old farts arguing over who is crazier, Trump or Biden?
We are doing a couple of jobs around the house that never got done when we moved in (2+ years ago) and hopefully we can have these done in a few days. DH won't allow me to pay for people to do stuff, so he does it, hurts his back and has to spend 2 days in bed. I don't see how paying $200 for an installer to hang some sliding doors vs him being bedridden for days is a win situation. Crazy.
And hopefully she will get Medicaid. Haven’t heard a damn thing yet. This is just one big nightmare that never ends. I hate my parents for this situation. I will never forget this, ever. I am so done.
Just a thought.
That being said - since we placed our ad literally zero people have contacted us saying they have a debt owed. (thank goodness).
I know it helped DH to feel organized - we were beginning a major home renovation when his dad passed (that DH was doing mostly himself) so it's been crazy!
I'm crossing my fingers that everything settles down for you and your family and that you can begin to move forward. I will also say that my DH- while there is a lot on his plate - has seemed more confident and less angsty since his dad passed. That narcissistic influence every day takes its toll!
We're in Utah and the laws are different from state to state. As soon as DH had a death certificate, he was able to write check, move money vie Venmo (I don't feel good about that, but this isn't MY family!)...he's keeping good records--everything is labeled, filed and easy to find. It's just the remembering to call so and so, do this and such by a certain date--I know we can sell the house tomorrow--and when DH gets back from his cruise, a decision must be made on the house. We've had warm weather and the house is beginning to look neglected. Not to worry that it will bring down the value, but it just screams "I'm empty!"
That's OK, since all that is left in the house is an old piano. I more think about vandalism and squatters.
I DO think it's good idea to get a copy of the creditors--though there appear to be very few. She had one credit card and that's it. She did invest all over the place (the last of the post Depression people who didn't trust banks!)
Luckily, DH's sibs were so anxious to get the house emptied, they kind of just did it all themselves and he didn't do much, but ran around to businesses and banks.
Looking forward to shutting the door on this. It will be a year, I think. Taxes for 2024 will have to be done, very simple..and then we can lock this up.
He's on all the accts, so that hasn't been an issue. I am SO GLAD MIL decided to make a will, for years she refused. That would have been a nightmare!
But to your point, he literally can't throw anything away right now. We bought DH an expandable file organizer with additional storage room to keep EVERYTHING together in one place - and then labeled folders like "Bills", "Taxes", "Annuities/Retirement Funds", Receipts (to pay ourselves back), "Important Documents" (for Letters of Testamentary, Death Certificates, Copy of the will for him and for MIL - already deceased). DH was someone panic stricken until we got things organized to where he could put his hands on what he needed fast. And that way - once the estate is closed - he can just put the (fireproof) organizer away and have everything together for the retention period as well.
The more he could check off, the better DH felt. We are close now on the 90-Day inventory (this week) and then all that will be left is selling the house (in the next 60 days in all likelihood) and dispensing any remaining funds and it will all be done - thank goodness.
I will say this - there is nothing quite like losing someone - no matter what the relationship - and then almost immediately being thrown into dealing with their estate. All of the legal ramifications and requirements can be overwhelming. Throw in even one difficult relationship dynamic or problematic issue and it makes for a pretty good headache.
I hope things move along for you guys so you can find a happy place again soon.
Yep, this investment was legit and she had about $78K in a small portfolio.
The one broker finally got back with him after dogging him for a solid week--feeling awful about it, he's pushing for the 2 separate funds with this company to be liquidated. I think it would be lovely to be able to run a check to YS for about $90K. Might make her feel a lot less anxious.
I think once he gets the first check, he'll be a lot more amenable to getting this finished. YS is pushing him to get the house sold. We still don't know if OB wants it, nobody ever asked him. This family has reverted to the 'don't ask, don't talk about it' the way they were before. Personally, I look forward to not having to talk to or interact with OB ever again.
DH is feeling better. He got to golf yesterday and that lifted his spirits a lot. Then he came home and worked on a long-overdue project for me. I'm thrilled.
Sun is shining--and my spirits are lifted, just ever so slightly!!
One way to discover more accounts (assets or debt) is to send for a credit report.
He was supposed to have liquidated the money from the money markets account and one 'small' savings acct. He called the 'broker' every single day last week, and finally simply went downtown to his office and found him there. That should have helped, but it didn't.
It's like a 10 minute transaction that this guy needs to do, and he just..won't. It's ridiculous!
DH is also sleeping much (most) of the time. 4 days last week he slept in until 5 pm and only got up to eat (I will not bring him food in bed, I have limits)..and he sort of did a couple of jobs, but for the most part, he is sleeping 20 hrs a day, then up and down all night between TV and podcasts on his phone.
His YS NEEDS that money. Actually, we owe a ton of taxes this year (rolled out an IRA and those get taxed to death!..so we need it too. He also found 2 more accounts, thinking they were the same ones, but he had me look at them and I said "These are accounts from a brokerage, the others are from a Credit Union"--so, great, more $$ which I am so happy about. We are going to be able to gift our grands a nice portion--and do some things for ourselves.
IF he can garner the energy to do the minimum work that needs to be done.
Neither of his sibs have said anything to him. They talk to ME. I told them both that I have zero control over what he does, I can't even get him to get out of bed. OB cannot decide if he wants the house or not, and Dh hasn't even called him in a couple of weeks to see what he's thinking. He and his wife leave for a 3 week cruise to Japan, so nothing will happen in that time. If he decided not to buy the house, it would sell in that 3 week window--we have people already calling about it.
I know DH is grieving, and I am trying to be sensitive to that. But--6 weeks now--and it's time to man up a little....
I did get the name of the therapist and I am talking to DH today about getting some help. He wants to travel--and I refuse to go anywhere with him when he's in this weird sleep-all-day mode. We've done it before and it's horrible.
The talk of a therapist will make him very angry, and I am planning on it. But he has to move some direction. To be up and running around all day and then he gets up at DINNERTIME and asks me what I'd like to to do 'after dinner' is ridiculous. I want to put on my pjs and go to BED. I've already put in a 12 hr day.
(JoAnn--a funny comment, I guess. We had always planned our retirement around how much money we had saved in 401(k) and savings. When we hit a million bucks, we happened to be in our financial planner's office and he said "Well, hey, you're millionaires! How does that feel?" And we looked at each other and said "Not as good as we'd thought--we planned this out in the 80's, when a million dollars was something." We upped the amount to $1.25 Million and that doesn't really feel like enough. We live frugally and have a nice, but modest home. I feel so deeply for people who struggle through life to have the bare minimum--we were careful with our money, and fear for our grands, who probably won't be able to afford homes!)
My MIL called my DH saying her water pump went out and it was costing her $1000 to replace. She didn't ask him to pay for it so he did not offer. His brother sent her the money. I told him she has CDs she could have cashed in. When she died, she had 48k in CDs.
The veneers and maybe some 'cool sculpting' after I hit my weight loss goals will be all I want/need. MIL was ALWAYS on me about being fat--(while SIL & BIL both weigh a solid 100+ plus each and have for years)--she picked on ME about my weight. I need to lose 50 lbs and Dr Joe put me on Semiglutide (Basically, Ozempic). It's not a miracle drug, and you feel pretty crummy on it--but since I became pre-diabetic last year, I had to do something. Both YD's have lost large amounts of weight ( slowly but surely!)
The money? It will be nice to tuck away after gifting the grands a chunk.
Personally, I am just glad she had enough money to pay for her burial, etc. You never know.
How about the first thing you do with your portion is treat yourself to a massage subscription, weekly, or something decadent like that?! 🎉