DH finally has to step up. Any advice?
Anyone who has read any of my posts about my very difficult MIL will know my backstory. A MIL who hates me profoundly. My SIL has carried this challenging burden for years and finally crashed and burned in the last month.
DH has happily sat back and let SIL do whatever, stepping in only long enough to give a day or two of respite, or to fix something in MIL's home. Other than that, he's been as distant as he can be, often going 3-4 months without seeing his mom.
He retired, 90% finished with some projects, so he's been enjoying sleeping in and golfing and just not having any 'responsibilities'.
Oops, spoke too soon. SIL broke her right foot and is supposed to be in a 'boot', resting it until they decide the course of action to repair it. Minimally, she is not to put weight on the foot, worse case, she is looking at surgery.
Again, right foot, so driving is a NO. Nevertheless, MIL doesn't see past her own needs and was still demanding SIL's presence on a daily basis.
2 weeks ago, MIL finally wore SIL out. SIL called DH late at night, crying that she just couldn't do it all anymore. In fairness, SIL really never asked for help.
Long story short, OB, DH and SIL got together with MIL's Dr and got a Hospice/In home care company to take over the daily grunt work. They had an all hands mtg with the company and the CNA who would care for MIL. MIL has very poor reasoning skills, to put it mildly, and assumed that b/c she saw all 3 of her kids at once! and the company's title says "Hospice Care" that she is actively dying. (I admit that the title to the co. is VERY off putting, but it is what it is). She's NOT actively dying.
MIL immediately stopped eating, stopped taking her meds and within 2 days was sick and falling down. It took ANOTHER meeting to explain to her that the co is simply taking over her daily care. Checking her vitals, supplying oxygen, making sure she is eating, etc. IDK how often they come in, but it's at least 4 times a week. Our OD is doing her grocery shopping and delivering groceries. Anything that happens while MIL is alone, she is to call the CARE COMPANY first, not one of her kids.
This is the best of a bad situation. She is mad, DH said she yelled at him all day long the other day and he came home dispirited and sad. His eyes are finally open, and he doesn't like what he's seeing.
3 days this week he spent with her-about 5 hrs per day and yesterday he didn't even get out of bed. He was so exhausted and already burned out. I'm seeing the light come on in his eyes that he has let his sweet sister handle this for FAR too long. He is now in this for the long haul.
My heart aches for him, but this is what has to happen, at least until she gets bad enough to be 'forced' to go into care (she's at home).
The other night, he was SO depressed and said "I don't know if I can stand this, my mom is SO AWFUL." Yep, I know.
I told him b/c she will not allow me in her home, nor accept ANYTHING that I might be able to do for her, all I can do is not put any pressure on him to do anything here at home. I will support him by taking care of our lives. He's very grateful, I know, but he has no idea how bad this is going to get.
There's no question here, just a vent, I guess. It's so sad when people cannot or won't see other's needs and put themselves and their wants ahead of everything else. DH is struggling and is going to have to figure out a way to navigate this new normal. It's definitely what I DID NOT want to have happen when he retired, but it is what it is.
My grandma used to always say "if you don't serve as a good example, then you're probably going to serve as a horrible warning".
I am SO GRATEFUL that my mom passed when she did. We didn't get to this point with her, thank goodness.
I am also glad you are doing something special for the two of you with some of it, you guys definitely deserve it.
DH finally got a call from the broker and he must have gone downtown to meet with him, b/c he suddenly jumped up and left the house. IDK where he went, but I DO hope he's working to get a majority of the investments all bundled into the checking acct.
Dh didn't WANT to be PoA, and he never acted on it. He didn't WANT to be executor, but he is, and he's doing it.
He's being kinder to me--I was super sick all weekend, like stay-in-bed-all-day sick, and while he didn't make any meals or really DO anything, he wasn't snarky about the fact I just couldn't wake up! Feeling much better today and getting more done. I kind of lost the weekend.
My therapist called this am and actually gave the info that I'd asked for (the name of the therapist) to my DH, who didn't even ask who she was or why I was getting info on a new therapist. I'm not going to push anything right now. He's pretty overwhelmed with the estate stuff.
I find he has been wanting to talk about his mother, just little comments here and there. I just listen, I sure don't have any advice. He is much happier now she's gone and he feels guilty about that.
So--even though her life was a sad, lonely & kind of miserable one--she did do one thing nice--she left a goodly chunk of money so her great grands (many of whom she'd never met) with a little jump on the college train.
And yes, I am spending some of this on me, or rather, on us.
This statement from your husband may need to be scrutinized and re-evaluated.
"He asked me if this money will help me feel better--and I have to admit, that yes, it will."
No amount of money can really help you feel better about the years of abuse and neglect you have endured. The money can ease some burdens, but husband still has to step up for you. You are correct, that your husband needs counseling.
I just wonder where in his heart this question has come from. He surely cannot think you were helpful or involved for the money?
He surely cannot think he can now buy you off when all you really wanted was him to wake up and spend some time with you?
Of course, his question was just words. Watch his behavior towards you, hoping he is kinder.
I personally wouldn't wait to not have calls returned. I was left some money in a trust that was paying for my mother's care. It had been set up by her own mother in the 1940's. It was poorly managed in that it never grew very well but at least didn't lose value. This was not a significant amount but I was able to have it transferred within a couple of months after my mother's passing and my phone calls were always returned. That bank would have preferred to have me leave it with them but there was no way I was doing that. We have dispersed some to our children and grandchildren in small increments. Since I am an only child there was no disagreement regarding that. I wonder if you might also need advice regarding capital gains although I imagine there is no choice but to liquidate. Hope this all gets moving for you and the family.
He will leave about $20K in the checking acct so he can pay for random stuff that may come up. We've both been extremely surprised at the amount of assets she had, besides her home.
YS bought her home 30 years ago and has not done a single thing to upgrade it. She has always lived so close to the bone, financially, their choice--and getting her inheritance a few weeks earlier will mean a huge difference to her. DH isn't rushing it, b/c he's kind of at the mercy at the broker, who seems to be kind of an idiot. Doesn't return phone calls or texts. DH said if the dude doesn't call him tomorrow, he's going to the investment branch and request a new liaison. I mean, the guy's going to make a nice chunk of change if he does this, but he seems pretty bad at his job. (I think I've mentioned that my DH's family can, without fail, choose the WORST possible support network. MIL's lawyer is a moron...her investment dude is impossible to talk to, they were in the process of getting a new Hospice Co when she died.
Dh has shown me some of the investments, as we try to figure out which belongs to what account. I'm shocked at the amount, really. He asked me if this money will help me feel better--and I have to admit, that yes, it will. Because we can gift away a LOT of it to our grands and that will help them ALL get to college. For me, personally? Meh. I might get to finally finish my kitchen/den area, which we didn't get done 'right' when we moved in. Or not. I just like having a big slush fund, personally.
I'm hoping DH finds a therapist--not pushing it right now, as I am sick as a dog and I just want to sleep--so I can't really say "Hey all you do is sleep" when that's all I did yesterday!
He should be able to get out and golf this week. That will help.
Spring weather in Utah is a joke! 70 degrees and sunny one day and snowing and freezing the next! And we all act so surprised when it's like this!
I've probably said this before, and I've lived this in both of my marriages.
The only behavior you can change is your own. As you may remember, my DH had a very close call with death in January, It made me re-evaluate an awful lot. It made me look closely at what he was asking me for (he's someone who sees the trees, not the forest). I looked at the forest and set out on a trek that I hope will make him happy.
Wishing you only good things and peace in your soul.
He does not drink. Never has. He's a liver transplant patient and you do not drink alcohol if you want any shot at a healthy outcome.
He eats well. I fix good, healthy meals. He doesn't usually eat until he gets up--maybe noon, or 1. The he's back in bed until dinner. THEN after dinner, he snacks nonstop until he goes back down for the night.
He sees his PCP dr every 3 months. He sees his cardiologist twice a year. His liver doc once a year or so.
He is very good about taking his AD's. As far as I know.
He does not 'look' sick and if there's something 'fun' to do in a day, he can definitely get up and do it. If my SIL were to call him right now to go golfing, he'd be up and gone in 20 minutes.
I believe and have always believed he suffers from depression. He refuses help, won't talk to his PCP about changing out his current AD, (which IDK he even takes). He complains of aches and pains all over his body.
Yesterday I told him that he needed to start working on consolidating all the funds MIL held. He wants to wait until the house is sold to split up the proceeds. YS needs the money, like, yesterday. When I told him that--he did get up and did make one call to MIL's investment banker. Guy never returned his phone call. He probably has to go to the actual building where this guy works and do it all in person. He'll need a death certificate, so he really should do a face to face with him. MIL did keep very good records and it looks as if everything is with one bank, one brokerage.
IDK about talking to OB. He's talked to DH before and usually all that gets is me getting chewed out for talking about him.
He insists, of course, that he is "JUST FINE and LEAVE ME ALONE".
He's not and I'm not going to. Once he's fulfilled all of his responsibilities per the executorship--if he wants to sleep away the rest of his life, I can't help him.
His OB has traveled the world and loved some trip he took in Switzerland. I am refusing to even contemplate a long car ride with this depressed man. Terrified to go to a foreign country with him! We went to Yellowstone one summer and he slept almost the entire time we were there. (4 days) We were hauling a little pop up camper and I would have driven us home, but didn't feel comfortable driving with this thing behind us. It was awful.
And, no, he doesn't really listen to me at all.
Sadly, this is exactly what I thought might happen once his mom died. I'm angry, hurt and sick of this behavior.
Is he consistently taking his anti rejection meds?
It was OB who finally sorted out MIL. Is there any chance of you asking OB to sort out DH? He’s a sick man, in more ways than one.
Wait.. what? Is he hinting at assisted dying?
He has always used sleep, right? To deal with life, ignore MIL issues, now ignore executor stuff.
I agree with the others here. Is this MORE? Eg Heart? (Broken heart syndrom can happen). Diabetes? Anaemic?
Depression or not, he is not living properly if sleeping that much!
Does he look unwell? Pale, shakey, dizzy, vague.
Would he go to the Doctor if you asked him to?
Obviously call 911 if you cannot wake him.
Hope you are treating YOURSELF well. 🩷
I hope things get better for him soon.
Which I do. Anything more intrusive than asking him if he's going to get up today and he snaps at me. He says his back hurts, his neck hurts, he isn't sleeping well, he's got neuropathy in his feet, I move around in my sleep and bother him (I moved downstairs!) --good grief, I'm amazed the man can take himself to the toilet!
I did refuse to bring him dinner in bed the other night, I mean, HONESTLY!! I know he doesn't feel great--he's had an active life that has left him with multiple 'hotspots' of arthritis--and he doesn't control his diabetes--doesn't even attempt to, so that could be part of it.
I did ask him if he were feeling depressed and he insists he's "FINE, stop asking".
I have a call in to my psych doc to get the name of a therapist (he gave it to me at my last visit and I can't find the info!) I'm not giving him any wiggle room on seeing someone for help.
In total, he sleeps about 18-20 hrs a day. Once in a while he'll get up and kind of do something--but for the most part he just stays in bed, or sleeps in the bathtub.
Oddly enough, the other day he said he wanted to take a trip to Switzerland. I said "I am not going to watch you sleep in a foreign country".
He's not doing anything with his mom's estate, and I know that his YS desperately needs some of the money from the dispersal. MIL had 2 large investments that can be cashed out now, but he chooses to do nothing, most days. YS thinks he's spending tons of time taking care of his responsibilities, but he's not. He won't even call his brother to see if he has decided to buy the house from the trust or not. One 5 minute phone call--and he won't do it. OB is leaving town for a 3 week cruise. If he's not buying the house, then in that time, the house WILL sell and one more huge thing would be done.
Well-can't say that I a surprised by this lack of motivation. It is EXACTLY how I thought he would act.
Well, at least Spring is here and my gardens are waking up. I'm going to spend the day finding all the treasures that winter leaves in my yard!
We went to dinner last night with YS and BIL. It was relaxed and relaxing. SIL is finally able to address her broken foot--she will be having a major surgery on it soon. She can barely walk, poor lady. We did talk pretty openly about MIL and all the drama surrounding that. I flat out asked SIL if she was ready to let the house go--and she responded "I feel more like we're getting rid of a burden. Tell DH that as far as I am concerned, I want it sold, sooner the better. I do NOT want to do yard work or have to worry about it sitting empty and deteriorating". That is not what Dh had told me, he said she needed to 'grieve it'. She said "I am grieving and this being sold will help tremendously."
DH has been dragging his feet this week, getting done just a few things at a time--sleeping a LOT and being a slug. SIL asked me if HE was ok, since she said she'd seen NO emotion from him. I just told her I was aware of it and was going to discuss some talk therapy with him. Interesting--if his YS says he needs help, he'll listen.
Also--as I predicted, SIL wants to do some upgrades to her own home. They've been in it 30 years and have done nothing to remodel or keep it 'fresh'. She wants to completely overhaul it--and the only way she can do that is to have the money from the estate, ASAP. Dh was going to wait until EVERYTHING was in the checking accts and write each sib one BIG check. Obv., SIL would like her share now. He can clean out the savings acct and the money market acct. and wait until the house sells to split that up. He's going to have little dribbles of money coming in for a year or so--that's just what happens.
Hearing this from YS makes all the difference in the world, and it's kind of funny, TBH.
We did talk about MIL's EOL and luckily, there seems to be no 'guilt' involved. YS said that the nurse told her that moving her to the ALF didn't make any difference, she was on her own schedule and transitioned quickly and painlessly.
I think that helped SIL.
All in all, it was an enjoyable evening, not completely destroyed by talk of how bad MIL was getting, etc. Just a fun evening which we haven't had in ages.
So--things are slowly progressing. It takes DH hours and hours to get up and get going. He sleeps so much of every day. We're on completely flip sides of a day--I'm up and done with most of what needs doing by noon and he's crawling out of bed at 2 pm and then often just moves to the tub. If I go to bed at 8 or 9 to read--he acts like I am a toddler--'what? you're going to bed already?" I just respond, "well my day started 7 hrs before yours did, so yes, I'm going to bed."
He's doing the exact thing I worried he would do when he retired. Sleep 20 hrs a day.
This is his last weekend that I am going to put up with this. Wish me luck! If he doesn't muster up the energy to get up and get moving by 10 am--and continues to sleep days away--he's going to have to see someone. AND try a different AD.
My ace in the hole is that he wants to travel and I said I wasn't going to take trips with him where he sleeps all in day in a HOTEL. (That's happened!)
My grandchildren range from 17 months to 10. Although we are the same age I was married at 23,not quite as young as you. I am so happy you are now in a different phase of your life.
The girls are OBSESSED with their phones, the boys use them to order DoorDash and their texts are brief and just informative: "I'm done with soccer practice". That would be a long text for them.
My gdaughters are a hoot and have a 'group me' that is just for them--lots of running jokes and BF chatter. I'll get a late night text from one of them if they're spinning with anxiety and I get to calm them down.
Actually, I LIKE that I can simply text them a funny video or just an 'I love you'--and they can reply or not. Lots of emojis and general silliness, but I am happy I have great relationships with all 6 of the girls. The boys are wonderful and loving, but, dang it, they are growing up. Not as snuggly.
My DD's son, T-dawg, was napping on the couch the other day and I went to go meet up with his mom and him to go to his sister's play. I came early and was waiting on the couch, and he flopped over from where he was to where he was draped across me and asked me to tickle his back. He's 13. Doesn't get much better than that.
During the last year, one thing my therapist encouraged me to do was to seek for love wherever it was in my life. Well--14 people really love me, and the love of a grandkid is pretty pure. I did put in the time, however. LOTS of long hours babysitting and now, movies and pizza. I've been blessed!
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As far as DH getting therapy--I'm letting him work out his issues on his own right now. Yesterday we went to MIL's house to get the last of the junk out of it. It's ready to go on the market. I think that the sale of the house will help DH to heal.
He has been wearing his hearing aids pretty much everyday since his mom died. He realized on his own that he was missing important conversations. He swears they don't help, but I don't have to shout at him and he isn't constantly saying 'what? what?'
Dh is the kind of guy who needs to figure things out on his own. I can make suggestions, but ultimately, he needs to be in charge. Usually he ends up doing what I suggested in the first place, but that's OK.
Honestly? Just the fact his mother is not here anymore---that incredibly depressing and negative situation is OVER. At this point, for him, cutting checks as the money is freed up is going to be cathartic for him. We are going to inherit far more than we thought. Going to gift the grands a big check for college (to be held until they graduate HS if they are younger) and then we are simply going to play with the rest. We'll tithe 10% and find worthy causes to support--but we are also going to take a couple of trips and hopefully find some joy in the journey.
The TikTok gen ‘Z’ youth may have to find another platform. TikTok may be banned.
The young people who are doing this ‘bed rotting’ are zoning out for various reasons. They aren’t older and retired like your husband.
Have you thought about when you will discuss with your husband about going to address his depression with a therapist?
Oversleeping is extremely common in people who are depressed.
My youngest daughter is a fan of TikTok and is a huge Taylor Swift fan. She is definitely not a ‘bed rotter’ though.
The bill on the table is trying to get the Chinese owned TikTok to sell to an American company.
No telling how this TikTok thing will play out. Young people like TikTok. It’s how they are communicating with each other. The younger generation also love instagram.
What about the 4-6 hr tub baths? Bath rotting?
He's happy to spend the entire day in front of the TV or in the tub. I just leave him be.
For now.
Pretty soon, he is going to HAVE to do some work on the financials. He's kind of hamstrung b/c we still don't know if OB wants to cash out the sibs and buy the house. I already have gotten calls from people who want to buy the house--so I'm hoping the kids can come up with a plan, soon.
I don't usually get my info from Tik-Tok. I mostly get fwds from my gdaughter's about Taylor Swift. :)
Your kids, I so hope that they see the strong woman you have become. You did what you needed to do for yourself and sanity. You did not deserve to be treated like u were by MIL. And your husband should have had ur back. You can forgive MIL because she was mentally ill and forgive DH because somehow years of control by Mom made him the way he is. But you will never forget. One of my flaws. I can be forgiving, but I remember every mean thing that was said to me and who said it. They have been forgiven, because we were kids. I just don't easily forget.
I guess at this point, you take what you can get but remember, you are worth so much more. I pray that your marriage gets better and you both can enjoy what is left of it.
I was married at 24 to a man I thought needed me, he didn't. Friends came first. Divorce at 30 and married a former boyfriend at 32. I always wonder how it would have been if I married him at 24. His Mom was passive-aggressive and lied. How would I have handled it at 24? I didn't do great at 32 but didn't take what she did to heart as I may have at 24. She treated all her DILs the same pretty much. Just I was the local one.
So happy to read that some calm has returned to your life, and that DH is treating you well. I hope that will continue.
I also hope OB will buy the house so that the sale can be expedited and another thing crossed off the list.
My own DH has some reactions about his mom's death that lasted quite a while - over a year, in fact. As I mentioned before, the "saintly" stuff started soon after she died. It was infuriating listening to those comments from him (and his sibs) and I was astounded at the denial they were in.
I hope once the estate is settled that you and DH will get to go on a nice long trip. You both really need something fun.
Hugs and love to you.