DH finally has to step up. Any advice?
Anyone who has read any of my posts about my very difficult MIL will know my backstory. A MIL who hates me profoundly. My SIL has carried this challenging burden for years and finally crashed and burned in the last month.
DH has happily sat back and let SIL do whatever, stepping in only long enough to give a day or two of respite, or to fix something in MIL's home. Other than that, he's been as distant as he can be, often going 3-4 months without seeing his mom.
He retired, 90% finished with some projects, so he's been enjoying sleeping in and golfing and just not having any 'responsibilities'.
Oops, spoke too soon. SIL broke her right foot and is supposed to be in a 'boot', resting it until they decide the course of action to repair it. Minimally, she is not to put weight on the foot, worse case, she is looking at surgery.
Again, right foot, so driving is a NO. Nevertheless, MIL doesn't see past her own needs and was still demanding SIL's presence on a daily basis.
2 weeks ago, MIL finally wore SIL out. SIL called DH late at night, crying that she just couldn't do it all anymore. In fairness, SIL really never asked for help.
Long story short, OB, DH and SIL got together with MIL's Dr and got a Hospice/In home care company to take over the daily grunt work. They had an all hands mtg with the company and the CNA who would care for MIL. MIL has very poor reasoning skills, to put it mildly, and assumed that b/c she saw all 3 of her kids at once! and the company's title says "Hospice Care" that she is actively dying. (I admit that the title to the co. is VERY off putting, but it is what it is). She's NOT actively dying.
MIL immediately stopped eating, stopped taking her meds and within 2 days was sick and falling down. It took ANOTHER meeting to explain to her that the co is simply taking over her daily care. Checking her vitals, supplying oxygen, making sure she is eating, etc. IDK how often they come in, but it's at least 4 times a week. Our OD is doing her grocery shopping and delivering groceries. Anything that happens while MIL is alone, she is to call the CARE COMPANY first, not one of her kids.
This is the best of a bad situation. She is mad, DH said she yelled at him all day long the other day and he came home dispirited and sad. His eyes are finally open, and he doesn't like what he's seeing.
3 days this week he spent with her-about 5 hrs per day and yesterday he didn't even get out of bed. He was so exhausted and already burned out. I'm seeing the light come on in his eyes that he has let his sweet sister handle this for FAR too long. He is now in this for the long haul.
My heart aches for him, but this is what has to happen, at least until she gets bad enough to be 'forced' to go into care (she's at home).
The other night, he was SO depressed and said "I don't know if I can stand this, my mom is SO AWFUL." Yep, I know.
I told him b/c she will not allow me in her home, nor accept ANYTHING that I might be able to do for her, all I can do is not put any pressure on him to do anything here at home. I will support him by taking care of our lives. He's very grateful, I know, but he has no idea how bad this is going to get.
There's no question here, just a vent, I guess. It's so sad when people cannot or won't see other's needs and put themselves and their wants ahead of everything else. DH is struggling and is going to have to figure out a way to navigate this new normal. It's definitely what I DID NOT want to have happen when he retired, but it is what it is.
My grandma used to always say "if you don't serve as a good example, then you're probably going to serve as a horrible warning".
I am SO GRATEFUL that my mom passed when she did. We didn't get to this point with her, thank goodness.
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I can't believe what a different person my DH is w/o the specter of his mother hanging over him 24/7. I knew she affected him, but not how much.
He's being kinder to me than I can ever remember him being---while that may be temporary and more due to the 'silent treatment' I put him under last weekend, he has been productive this week and much, much kinder to me.
If this is the new norm, wow, I'll take it!
Next week the first of the disbursements will start to slowly roll in. While this money will not affect us, really, it is nice to know we have a bigger slush fund. we look forward to gifting a substantial amount to each grandchild. (we have 14!) and they will all benefit from this. We have one Grandson we lovingly refer to as the 'raccoon' and his money will be held in reserve for bail, or college, whichever comes first. (He's only 5, but--I have a feeling he's going to be one of 'those' kids.)
We learn something from all relationships we're in. I am hoping that my kids have learned a lot from seeing what I have had to deal with--I could have been much more forgiving and more graceful--but I was what I was. Constantly on high alert. Perhaps had I been more assertive or less sensitive--but honestly? I was barely 20 when I got married. Who should have welcomed WHOM into the family? I made it a great point to love all my inlaw kids. I joke with a couple of them that if they split up, I'm keeping the inlaw and cutting the 'original recipe' kid out of the will :)
Enjoying the quiet. Enjoying sleeping a lot, that's how I heal.
And as always--
thanks to this forum for the support. If my situation helps anyone--then I am glad.
Like I said in my original post: "If we don't serve as good examples, we may be serving as horrible warnings".
Honestly, I don't think his sister would have taken the money, and he did the research and 'gifting' her HIS inheritance brings up tax issues--and he finally came to the place where he agreed with me that a lot of this money should be for the grandkids.
Also, I pointed out to him that when YS's MIL dies (she's 99+) her DH stands to inherit well over a million dollars. DH didn't realize that--and that did help him come to the decision.
However, had he decided to give all of his to his sister--I would have had to be accepting of it. Sure glad I don't have to do that.
Pam--yeah, I think he has a good handle on how the insurance policy needs to be approached. Even though the paper work is there--there is always a good chance that she cashed that out at some point. Her will is quite old and not up to date.
Right now we are waiting for OB to get a bid on all the repairs and remodeling that would need to be done for the house to be what he and his wife 'need'. HE may opt to not buy out the other kids, which is fine, but he cannot take months to decide.
I am hopeful--as time goes by, DH is calming down and seems happier. Having a BIG job to do is helping him. Plus, he can start golfing next week.
I am calming down, too. Been taking naps if I need them--and planning my garden.
What a blessing for your grandchildren!!
Dh has been pretty busy this week, once he gets out of the tub in the morning.
Starting to unravel MIL's estate, which is kind of a mess. For example--she kept losing her checkbook, so she'd just open a new one. SO he has 5 'running' checkbooks to deal with. One is still missing--but it's OK, as her acct cannot be touched except by him. And she'd only write maybe 4 checks a month, if that.
Looks like she also had a LOT more money squirreled away. Dh found a $250K life insurance policy, which he has not been able to track down the right person to call about it. Her house will be going up for sale next week. We're kind of hoping that OB buys it, then it will be a very straightforward deal--My BIL will get snooked out of a $18K commission if that happens, but, hey, that's life. Our SIL will handle all the work for the estate for a flat fee of $1500. (Yes, he is a licensed broker and realtor). I know we won't be 'allowed' to use him, BIL is a bit grasping--and DH won't DO drama.
Slowly things are getting done. DH is grieving in his own way. I'd like to see him get some therapy, but he won't, so that's that.
He did tell me today that he is not giving his portion of the inheritance to his sister as he said he was going to. I figured he'd start to see the light. I just told him I was glad that had been decided.
We'll take a good chunk of what we inherit and establish some college funds for our grands. How nice would it have been when we were in college for someone to hand us a large check?! Giving the money to YS and BIL would just shore up their bad money-management.
So, DH has asked for my help, which I am happy to give. He's apologized profusely for his behavior last weekend, which I guess made the silent treatment (while childish!) very effective.
I'm not naive enough to think this is over--far from it. But not jumping up when his phone rings late at night for fear it's his mom--just knowing she's not here anymore to torture us all----it's been a busy 3 weeks, but not as bad as the previous year.
Again--as always, thanks for the support and kind words.
You’ll enjoy swimming in your daughter’s pool.
Put on music while you ride your bike. That’s what I do. Some people prefer watching tv. I find that music helps me to focus on my speed. Start off slowly and then work your way up to increasing your speed. Don’t forget to drink plenty of water.
Depression can suck the life out of someone. Hopefully, your husband will work through this situation soon. I agree with Barb about going for a complete physical.
Maybe he will enjoy a new hobby. He should try different things and play golf when the weather is nice.
I know that you prepare healthy meals but does he eat well? I didn’t eat much of anything when I was going through anxiety and depression as a caregiver for my mom.
Appetites can diminish greatly during stressful times. Plus, he may not be getting enough nutrients to be considered healthy. Has he ever been anemic or lacking in any vitamins? My mom’s doctor placed her on B vitamins.
My doctor told me that the best source of vitamins are in our food but that many people are lacking vitamin D because they spend so much time indoors.
My liver started to fail once, and I was really, really tired.
The first rule of mental health practice is to rule out the physical.
My YD is putting a lap pool in their basement, as her DH is a real swimmer and has no time to go to a gym (guy's a doctor and crazy-busy). When the pool is done. I will be availing myself of it.
I'm having back/hip/problems and I think that if I can lose 20lbs on this Semiglutide--that will also help.
Things are same here. Dh slept from Friday at 5 until last night at 5. He got up b/c his OB came over.
I asked him what was wrong and he said "I'm just really, really tired".
Well, he's supremely depressed. I can't help that.
A friend is taking him out shooting--he called it Lead therapy. I thought he meant LED therapy, like, lights or something. He has a shotgun he's never used (we're not gun people)--but he is a master marksman (acc to the US Army, 1972.)
Maybe that will help.
Once the weather decides what it's going to be, he can start golfing. Gets him out in the sun, and away from me. We don't do 24/7 togetherness well :)
The house and ALF are completely empty, so next step is to sell the house. I won't be involved, but I'm sure it will sell very quickly.
Exercising, even just walking is a great stress buster! Endorphins are released and we feel better.
I walk or ride my exercise bike all the time.
Find someplace pretty to walk. I like walking in the park or sometimes I will go visit our botanical gardens to stroll around.
Swimming is excellent too, if you have access to an indoor pool.
Best decision I've made in my life was joining the Y and engaging a personal trainer who specializes in helping folks who are over 60.
Yes, I know that's grief. I expected it and I expect it will go on in some form for a long time.
Doesn't make me happy about it--quite the opposite. Being an empath--it's horrible! I feel what he feels--so double the pain, double the anger. I remember my favorite therapist telling me that being an 'empath' was a gift and a curse. It makes you so aware of everyone around you--and it's also painful and exhausting.
My OS is a completely flatlined person--emotionally. She jokes that I got all the "feels" for the whole family. Probably true! NOTHING bugs her.
As far as the Semiglutide--I'm not on it yet. Looking forward to it and also kind of terrified. My doc (my SIL) told me that my experience would be unique to me, but did give me some Phenergan to help with the nausea.
Luckily I got mine through a compounding pharmacy, so 6 weeks cost me $255.
First the veneers, then the diet change & Semiglutide, then lots of exercise.
That reminds me that we were taking the exercycle from MIL's house--IDK where it actually went. The only thing I wanted, too.
I was so relieved when my mom died. Everyone grieves differently. I was sad that I would never hear mom’s voice again or see her smile again, be able to talk with her, things like that.
I was relieved because I knew that mom was so very ready to die. She was tired and wanted to be with my dad again.
I have heard a lot of older people say that they became depressed from living so long. Their bodies wear out and their quality of life goes way down. You can’t blame them for wanting life to be over.
I kept a voice mail on my phone from her. Is that weird? Once in a while I will listen to it.
Sounds like at least for now your DH wants to grieve alone , hence him telling you it has nothing to do with you . We all know men don’t always say exactly what they mean . Which could be “ I need to be alone to grieve for a while “. I’m not defending him or criticizing you .
However , Barb’s post reminded me that I was like that after my abusive Mom died . I had to be alone for awhile . That being said , I do think at some point your DH will need help with the depression . To be honest , it took me a long time to be able to talk about it at all to my DH . I mostly talked about it to my one sister who understood what it was like to grow up with my mother .
She was opposed to using meds for a long time but changed her mind and feels that they are helpful as a tool to help in weight loss.
Mid,
Does the doctor recommend that you only take Ozempic for a certain period of time when the drug is used for weight loss? Does the weight come back when a person goes off the drug?
I know that some drugs are considered to be multipurpose. Wegovy was designed to be used for weight loss and I think that there’s another drug that is going to be used soon too.
My doctor’s nurse said that without insurance, Ozempic cost a fortune. She was able to get insurance approval because she was morbidly obese.
The old weight loss drugs were amphetamines. Definitely not the way to go.
A lot of women gain tons of weight when pregnant. I did. I had gestational diabetes and I gained 50 pounds when I was pregnant which was a lot! I’m only 5’1”.
Getting busy with some projects is the best thing right now.
From what both of my daughters have reported I will be spending a lot more time in the bathroom....:(...but they both are neurotypical (ADD brains) and Semiglutide works differently on their brains. One has always had gut issues, which is beyond ironic that her DH is a Gastroenterologist. He finally did get her on a regimen where she isn't puking or having diarrhea every day. It only too him 16 years to get her to be 'compliant'. My other daughter was a binge eater--and then she'd starve herself...vicious cycle. This drug stopped that. She's not on it anymore and you don't have to stay on it forever if you're compliant in eating properly and exercising. (Duh).
I'm curious about the Sonobello route. I have crazy flabby 'old lady arms' and nothing has helped with that. Also the flabby jawline. (I sound truly gorgeous, don't I??"
Just waiting for the drug to come from the compounding pharmacy. I'm reading a lot about it--so I don't have a lot of nasty surprises.
Laughing about the comment on the weather. We had incredible high winds for about a day and then suddenly that stopped and now we have a blizzard going on!
Good for you for making plans for YOU!
Update us on what 'cha do! ◡̈
Cheering you on!
I'm considering Sonobello (laser liposuction) or try Ozempic myself. My GF did well with Ozempic and lost 15 lbs. in 6 weeks. She simply lost interest with food.
Laser lipo is less invasive, permanently removes up to 11 lbs. of fat per procedure, per body area. They do double chins, belly fat, flabby arms, in one day as an outpatient, using local anesthesia. None of that terrible jabbing from 20 years ago.
Way,
Good for your hubby!
Mid,
Good luck with the meds working out well for you.
When the doctor said that his pills weren’t enough anymore to control his blood sugar and gave him Trulicity , DH FINALLY decided he “should cut back on soda and snacks and go for walks “.
Hmmmm, those were the exact words I’ve been telling him FOR YEARS.
Anyway he has cut back on soda and snacks and walks 3 miles most days . He has lost 25 pounds in about 4 months .
His appetite is so weird now . Besides a small breakfast , he’s only hungry at lunch OR dinner , randomly . And what appeals to him changes daily. It’s making planning meals a nightmare .
Consequently , I’M snacking more and gaining weight waiting for HIM to be hungry for a meal !! Sheez !!! that and my new asthma meds are putting on some weight .
I have decided to do even more meal prepping and DH will just have to get more used to reheating and eat when he wants . I have to get back on a normal eating schedule .
They should list as a side effect to these injections ……..your spouse may gain weight .
I am enjoying seeing my sasanquas and Japanese magnolia tree in full bloom!
I DO need to purge my craft room! Good idea!
We have the worst "s'march' weather. Freezing cold & snowing one day, the next it's in the upper 60's the bulbs are popping up. Too soon to really garden, but I can get my seedlings going.
I'm taking care of me, big time. First off--putting veneers on my teeth. Many years of tooth grinding after many years in braces--I want to go into my golden years with a better smile.
Also have been put on Ozempic to help me lose weight. My SIL is my 'doctor' and I feel fortunate to have him OK this & support me in it. I know it will be brutal, 2 of my girls are on it--my OD is tinier than she was in HS/College as a cheerleader. After my cancer bout, I simply lost the ability to lose weight. I really hope it works for me!
DH is obviously going to sleep the day away. I am leaving in a few and may not come home til late tonight, or I may hibernate in my cave and sew. One thing I know I won't be doing is offering my (awesome) advice. Nobody CARES!!
I agree with Way. You are blessed with beautiful grandchildren who are bound to bring a smile to your face.
Kids have a way of showing us so many things. I love seeing the world through younger peoples’ views. Quite inspiring refreshing and often times inspiring as well.
If it will help, remember you have kids and grands who care . Maybe go visit and get some grandkid hugs .
I have this vision of you dumping a bucket of ice water on his head while he's sleeping! I don't see depression, I see LAZY. But that's me. Anyone wasting the golden years of their life sleeping all the time needs a wake up call. He's wasting your life, too.
Spend your valuable time elsewhere...go visit your daughter yourself. Go get a manicure or pedicure, take a class, whatever...Life is short, make your time count.
He can sleep himself into a coma!
Dh was supposed to help, but came home after less than an hour. He said he had to work on the financial stuff, which is true, as he is executor and he hasn't done anything, really, with it. YS was concerned b/c he was supposed to have cancelled all the CC's, change the auto pay on several things and simply get MOVING with this. I know YS is looking forward to the inheritance checks to start rolling in.
He opted to sleep in his recliner for several hours. Was driving me NUTS b/c I knew his sibs were working their butts off and he is sleeping, as per the usual.
I made ONE comment, 'I should take a pic of you lying there and send it to your sibs...' (yes, it was a thoughtless and unkind remark--and he knows I would NEVER do such a thing) but he just blew up at me. Said some really unkind things about me and I apologized but he said "You just don't GET that you have NOTHING to do with all this!!".
OK. I really get it. I left. For the day. IDK what he did, b/c I wasn't home until 9 pm. He asked where I had been and I replied 'places'.
My anger kept me from sleeping so I didn't go to sleep until 5 am. Not feeling great today.
It's really hard, being a planner and a doer and nobody wants me to help. Why did I think that MIL's passing would change the dynamic of me somehow being the 'worst person in the family'? I'm actually LESS wanted/needed than before. However, SIL and BIL were both on site and helping. Going forward--nothing is going to change. I will forever be the red headed stepchild that may be invited to the party but will have to stay outside and watch it from there.
Believe me, I want this house emptied and sold ASAP. I want to move forward and not have to weigh every freaking word that comes out of my mouth.
I know that grieving is hard. One of the hardest things you ever do...add in to that, DH had to retire before he was ready, to go into caregiving for his mother--so he's grieving the loss of his identity along with his weird relationship with his mother.
I guess I simply have to accept that he does not want me involved in any aspect of this, then OK, that's what I'll do.
No mention of getting some counseling. I'm not even going to bring it up. I am going to ignore him and do my own thing.
Very depressed today. Tired, hurt, and lonely. For the first time, I am thinking that our marriage may not make it through this trial. I'm just so darn tired of dancing around the perimeters of DHs life and feeling like he just doesn't care about me and hasn't for ages.
Ah well--this too shall pass. I guess I hoped MIL's death would free DH from his unhealthy dynamic with his mom. It didn't and it won't. Now he just feels guilty.
If you respond to this--please be kind.
I don’t blame your husband for not going to his mom’s house if he doesn’t have to be present. Lots of unhappy memories there. If walls could speak, huh? What a story they could tell!