Help Me Change My Mindset...

I think your therapy session will help lots. Maybe Mom could get something out of therapy too.

Besides Mom losing your Dad, she lost him to suicide. She must be wondering what she did that he would end his life when she needed him the most. She is lost.

Now you, I can see how you feel. I believe if you r capable of doing for yourself than you need to do it. With school you really just want things to go smoothly. Now Dad has put a wrench into it and Mom not dealing well all because he chose not to live anymore. Leaving you with the responsibility of caring for a elderly Mom. I would be angry too.

Do you think you have any of these feelings because of your childhood? That is a problem I have. Now that my mother is 88 she wants to live yet she spent years in bed. Put off hip and knee replacement surgery until she could not walk. She has too much weight on her and it won't come off now. I am expressing this to you to see if you relate at all because I felt I heard a voice in your post that I share although I could be wrong. I don't want to hijack your post. I think you can just do the best you can. You can't totally fix her. If you are trying to get needed help that is a positive sign. I agree she should not live with you. It is good that you live close by. I have to keep after my mother to a degree. Tell her she needs to get rid of some clothing and let me wash other pieces. Have her nails cut when she tells me they are fine. Ask her to stop picking her lips. Some of this is pointless yet I still try. My mother is in AL. I see her when I need to and take her to appointments but I don't spend alot of extra time. I didn't really like my childhood. I also was an only child. Many times I felt like the parent. Of course you have the added sadness of what happened with your father which I am truly sorry about. I don't know that I have helped you at all but what you said resonated with me to a degree. I hope you find some peace even if it is only in spurts.

Agree with JoAnn29. Also, emotions are overrated, (sorry), but in times of suffering, we need to be 'cool' if we want to avoid meltdown. Nothing wrong with going numb for a time of normal grieving or struggling. (Don't try to force yourself to be what you can't be, right now). Accept the process, & be glad you have a therapist to help you. It will work out in time.✌

She is emotionally attached to you so these feeling are quite normal in regards to the situation and you as a mom and woman are allowed to say no. Set boundries and be ok with the fact that you are overwhelmed by her. That isn't going to change. You need to get you better. And if that means less time with your mom it's ok. Don't do what I did and kill yourself to make someone impossible happy for all you're doing is setting yourself up. By all mean love her but draw a line where she can't get into those places to hurt you or your child. It isn't always her it's a default of the deterioration of her mind and crazy overactive mind with emotions. All you can do is make sure she is safe and as comfortable as can be. You can't put who you are down for you have enough going on because she's unhappy and happily unhappy. That's on her not you. Be better to yourself by doing more that serves you and get her the help and care she needs so you have less of this going on. It's not healthy to anyone. Relation will cause more harm than good in these situations I've learned. Its a big change for everyone but the right one for everyone. Hope you the best. I'm sorry everything is so difficult but you have to make decisions about how your life is going to be. That has nothing to do with you being a nurse. This is your mom. Two completely different types of care. I can tell you that if you find a good place for her to settle into. You will feel much better. Remember that no matter where she goes she will remain this way. Why do this to yourself. I regret that I did. I thought it was the right loving thing. It destroyed what little strength I had left. It will get easier if you set boundries for yourself and her and no is a full sentence. Good luck and much love. Jo

Hello,
As a fellow nurse I understand that you should FEEL better towards your mom, however your mom is going through the unthinkable right now. Put yourself in her shoes. I mean think about what happened. She was with him for 55 YEARS! This is half a life time. He was probably the love of her life. I don’t know your story enough to know but from what you said your mom sounds very depressed beyond words. Is she on meds for this ?? Is she in counseling? You HAVE too take all of this into consideration. Also I went through a horrible situation with my mom. She had Lewis body demita while very rare it was awful. My mom turned into a mean terrible person. I was the one who put her too bed and found her completely covered in blood a few hours later. I live with this guilt every day. Anyway as you know when someone gets early onset their mind changes. Get her checked. You are her main caregiver now. She has no one else. She’s dependent on you right now just as my mom was me. Don’t let your mom down by giving up on her bc she may/may not have a problem. Love her for the person she is and support her through this Trumatic event. It’s up to you now. Also if your daughter is seeing the way ( or hearing you) treat your mom this way she’s going to learn to not repoect grandma now bc she’s “different “ Children live what they learn. You need to really step back a moment and look at the whole picture. I know your in a horrible way yourself so talk to you therapist about how you feel. It’s the only way you are going to see your way through this dark time and try to love your mom for who she is now. Believe me it’s very hard. Very hard. I am still in counciling bc of what happened.
Just try to remember that she loves you and really needs you right now. You need her too but don’t realize it yet. You are angry about what happened. You need to come to terms with this before you can move forward.
I feel for you. I really do. However please remember that your mom and yourself had a relationship at one point ( I bam guessing) try to get it back even though it may be different now she’s still your mom.
Please hang in there. It with get better. Praying for you and your family.

I feel you. I had a period of time when I felt cold towards my mom as well and anger towards my dad for dying suddenly and leaving her care to me. (He died of cancer, not suicide). I think what you feel is perfectly normal. No one can walk in your shoes and therefore can judge you. Here's simple tip I used that helped me to 'warm up' to my mom again. I started to think of one small thing I could admire about her everyday. I actually put a prompt in my smartphone that reminds me daily to think of something...a funny story she told years ago; her flawless, smooth skin at 75; the cake she used to bake that was so delicious. After a while, to my delight, I started to feel the stirrings of compassion for her again. Give it a try, or your version of this. Hope this helps.

I am so sorry for the loss of your dad, and you are right, the way you lost him, the way he chose to leave definitely broke you and your mother inside. If you are able to sit down with your mom and let her know that the reason you fuss about what she does that irritates you, is because of your stuffed grief and anger at your father because in truth this is the cause for the way you feel more than likely. I would recommend some counseling for her also along with an antidepressant. I wish you and your mother the best.

You have  quite a challenge...It is very sad that dad took his life.. Mom may well still be in shock/grief.  

I say this kkindly:  Learn to separate how you FEEL from what you DO.  It is not easy.

You may want to consider asking God to give you (more of) a servant's heart.

I will not recite my own caregiving of my massively handicapped wife  for many years. 
Suffice to say I was given the grace to endure it and ultimately delight in it. 

Grace + Peace,
Bob

ebmick, I have called out your question to the sky a lot this year! I find myself doing what I’ve nicknamed ‘morally judging’ my mom over her decreasing grooming, not seeing that her kitchen counters have gunk and crumbs, etc. She cares about fewer and fewer things. I keep wanting to shake into her the will to dust herself off and do better. But I don’t think she can. We want young people to improve their lives and themselves. I’m not sure what we’re supposed to ‘hope’ that aging folks will do. I keep repeating to myself ‘Brain loss is not fun.’

She used to walk in my house and nitpick every single thing, each time she saw me ask ‘what happened to your hair,’ etc. I wonder if I’m not just doing knee-jerk reactions now because of how she had acted.

Good luck in counseling, it’s a great process. I am SO sorry for the loss of your father, bless him. I hope you will meet him in forgiveness along the way. We can never know what kind of suffering his brain had created. Sending you a very big hug. 💐

I'm answering here because my dad took his life too. It was 7 years ago. My mom did not grieve in any sort of expected way. She pretended to be just fine about it all. At least your mother is obviously suffering. Eventually my mom did a bit of crying, and then she went to bed one day, convinced she was dying because she had a cold. I knew death had been on her mind constantly. My parents had actually had a suicide pact, planning to go out together, but my dad went without her because she was physically healthy. She had not expected to be without him. So, as I was trying to nurse her back to health from the cold, she just kept saying that she was dying. I tried to be sweet to her at first and that didn't help, so I finally told her she was not dying, that I have seen people who were dying, and she simply was not, so it would be best to drink the water and juice and eat her soup and get out of bed when she felt like it because we had a lot to do. Within an hour she was up.

I have those same feelings towards my mom as well, and turning that mindset around takes a lot of effort, strength and persistence. My mother has outlived two husbands, and has always taken care of others, but now, at 85, she needs my help taking care of basics (filling prescriptions/med boxes, paying bills, housework, clothes washing) - and she used to try to "help" me do these things.....but now she just sits and doesn't even make the effort to care for herself. She "thinks" she is independent, but she isn't. Unkempt, doesn't bathe, etc...….she starts crying and making me feel like such a monster when I talk about her not caring for herself, and we've had a couple of blow-ups lately, leaving me crying all the way home out of guilt and anger. After the last episode, I made the conscious decision to just bite my tongue (as much as possible) and focus on things that make her happiest. We went through her old jewelry box last week, and her attitude was so positive as she went through things that brought back happy memories...…..she's just so depressed about being "old" and she has a hard time coping......so my goal now is to focus on positive and try to just skim through negative so she doesn't dwell on it and I don't leave her apartment mad at her. Every week when I go to visit, I try to be efficient and swift about the basic stuff we need to get done, then focus on doing something that will help get her through the week......out to eat, shopping for a grandchild's birthday, going to a community activity. This mindset change for me has definitely helped! Prayers for you to have strength!

Ebnich, I'm no expert, but I'm surprised no one mentioned that you too are grieving the loss of your mother, as you have known her. As a nurse, you're likely familiar with the stages of grief. It seems to me that you are in the pain and anger stages.

This is expected. It is normal to grieve. It's not your "fault" you feel this way. Feelings, though they can mislead us, are very real. The worst way to respond is to stuff these feelings and numb out. Experience your feelings. Process your emotions and thoughts and work through the grief of your loss. Only then can you truly be the mother, wife, and daughter that you want to be.

Blessings to you in your struggle.

Your mother is fighting for her life! What is wrong with you? This is NOT all about you.

My DH fought for his life the last 6 months, until his body started shutting down.

You see shuffling? Your mother could be mentally "high stepping" and you are focused on her shuffling?

I would KILL to have another 6 months with my DH - but he passed in May at 96 yrs old.
Along with my BIL who was not old but had incurable Pulmonary Fibrosis, who passed at 70.

As a nurse going for Nurse Practitioner - you need therapy - you should know better or find another field of work.

I'm sorry to have said this - but truly, this is NOT all about you. If you can't handle the heat, get the hell out of the kitchen.

I understand... you are grieving and her needs are too much for you at this time, These feelings will not be forever and counseling will help- you need to do that for you.
I hope there is a way to have some help with your mom for right now.
I guess the goal is not to focus on what she can not do/irritates you. (Anger is a sign of depression ). When my mom is stressful I usually sing to myself or in a low volume and it helps.

So very sorry for the difficult position your family is dealing with today.

Maybe you are angry with Mom because seeing her frailties is an in your face reminder that you may very well lose her soon too. That your father's action in effect took both your parents. You may be afraid to get close to her emotionally because you are already anticipating the pain of her passing. Maybe you are transferring a lot of your anger at your father onto your mother too. Anger is a natural emotion in processing grief. These are all natural feelings that you can work out in time.

You are a good person, supporting your mother and providing her care. Your concern about your feelings not being what you want them to be is also an indicator of a good and caring daughter.

Although I first encountered the expression "Fake it to you make it" in a public speaking organization, I believe that could apply to your situation with your mother. When you feel like telling your Mom to do something better - keep your mouth shut. Instead, compliment your mother whenever she does something better/well. If she has combed her hair, then tell her how nice it looks. Clean dress? Then tell her how much you have always liked that dress or that color for her. In any case, make sure the first words out of your mouth when you see Mom are pleasant ones. Take a couple of minutes for a "Good Morning" and a discussion of the weather or how a plant is doing or some other normal conversation before you start in on care giving tasks. You may even find this tactic works well with your daughter.

I believe qinom45's suggestion is a good one too. Some grief counseling would probably be helpful although I suspect what you may need more than anything is just someone to listen while you vent.

RayLinStephens, I believe she is expressing her feelings here, which is why these forums exist. We should be able to listen to each other without hearing "what is wrong with you". ebmick, you are in a very tough situation and I think it's very brave of you to admit when you are struggling with your feelings of negativity toward your mom. I think many of us go through the same thing as we attempt to do our best to care for our loved ones. This is such a trying time and even if our feelings are not the most positive as long as we are doing our best I think that is the most we can ask for. Blessings!

I think you are being too hard on yourself. I think there is a part of our brain that shuts off when we are afraid of being emotionally devastated. I think your anger at your mom is protecting you from the grief you are really feeling at your father's suicide.

Also, you are grieving the loss of how your mom was and is no longer. It's much easier to focus on the irritations of your mom's decline instead of focusing on the fact that she will probably continue to get worse as her aging progresses.

I've heard it said that anger is just depression turned outward. I think you'll be a fine nurse. Especially since you are recognizing this in yourself and wanting to do something about it.

If your mother were your patient you wouldn't worry about this. Forget about what you think you ought to be like because of your professional background and future aims. Not relevant, doesn't help.

H'm. I wonder.

You are doing all the "right" things.

Tell me, what is the "right" way to feel about your 79 year old father taking his own life? What's the least damaging way to process it? If you follow one kind of course, it's this damaging, but if you follow that other, better course it's only *that* damaging...

What I'm getting at is that judging by your post, and the various (quite correct, I'm not arguing you shouldn't) types of support you're seeking: you seem to think that if only you can find the right way to do the right things it's possible to predict and control what you feel.

No. 'Tisn't.

Don't try to change your mindset so that you behave differently. Other way round - instead, how about trying to do or say one small, nice thing for your mother at a time. The idea is to start a kind of chain reaction - you are kind, it feels nice, you feel better, you are kinder, etc. If it doesn't work, no one is any worse off.

But meanwhile. Your 80 year old mother has been blown out of the water. Apart from you - because I'm not sure it's any better for the grief-stricken to lead the grief-stricken than for the blind to lead the blind - what emotional and social support does she have?

Oh gosh it sounds like you are both in deep grief and grieving differently. I’m glad you have counseling scheduled for you. What about her? I also learned after my mother-in-law died that grief can look like dementia. Hang in there!

First, you don't sound the least bit mean nor heartless. You're suffering the loss of your dad and, in a different way, slowly losing your mom. It's the inability to fully accept our parents in a diminished way because, as their children, more than anyone else in their lives, we know what they 'should be'.

Sounds like your mom is depressed (along with the dementia). Has she been seen for that? Also sounds like she has very little purpose or socialization in her life. Is there a day program near you where she could spend a few hours a day interacting with others and engaging in some purposeful activity? She may resist, but press forward and make her try it out at least.

Of course, moving to and IL or AL community sounds like it would be just the thing, but that's a matter of finances.

Good for you for seeking help!

We call this “new dad” and “old dad” Our new dad shuffles when he walks, largely from the fear of falling, he has frequent bladder accidents, he cares little for his appearance and often wears worn out clothing though he has better, and he has what his doctor calls a “loss of filters” that has him say mean or rude things. We’ve all had to work on coming to a place of acceptance, and even love for new dad. We quietly miss old dad. He can’t help the changes even though they’re so hard for us to watch. I’ve never seen the movie Frozen and it’s likely I’m using its song completely out of context, but I often sing it’s song to myself “let it go, let it go” when being challenged by dad. He said something to me on Sunday that he often says, something annoying, and I told my daughter through gritted teeth “one day I’m going to miss that” I’m no saint in this, it’s often hard, and you’re not a terrible person at all, you’ve had a lot to deal with. Acceptance comes in bits at a time, and it’s truly our friend. Hope you can get to a place of acceptance of new mom and not be so hard on you

Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change; 
courage to change the things I can; 
and wisdom to know the difference.

My life is almost ditto to yours. All my mom wants to do is NOTHING. She lives with me and all she does is stay on her tablet all day. I wait on her hand and foot. I do get mad inside because she doesn't even try to do anything. I find myself saying the same things you do to your mother about her messy hair, clothes, etc. Offering suggestions nicely. Here's what I have discovered that works: I am still her daughter, not her mother. She doesn't like me to tell her what she needs to do, so I just let her go. She also says I take good care of her and that I have too much on me, but yet won't try to help at all. I have to step back and look at the situation and not what she does personally. I had to stop judging and criticizing and not take what she says or does personally. That alone helped my inner anger. I think you are going through a season with her right now because of your dad. Over time, you will understand things more clearly. It's ok how you are feeling right now. We all have gone through feeling this way. You are not mean or a bad person or you wouldn't call out for help or advice.

How brave of you to put this all out here and to say the very things I would imagine most of us have thought.  You are doing so well and handling so many things at one time.  Yep, you're grieving for you Dad and for the Mom that is no longer the Mom you knew.  And that's ok.  That means you're human, not Superwoman!! LOL  I think also because you are a nurse, there's a part of you looking at your Mom with the Nurse's eyes - my daughter who is an RN was that way while trying to help me with my Mama.  It was her way of protecting herself from the awful knowledge that her Granny was dying.  I think it's just one of the ways your heart is trying to protect you as you come to terms with her changes.  It's good that you are getting counseling - you will need a safe place to work through all of this.  In the meantime, know that you are doing the best you can at this moment, you will find the new norm and most of all, your Mom knows you love her because she does say thank you and that fussing is what we do when we love someone. (I bet she fussed at you when you were a kid - that's because she loved you.)  But most of all, know that you are a good daughter and a great Mom.  The reason I know this is that you are taking care of your Mom and you're watching out for your daughter.  Hang in there.

Yes, indeed you are grieving! You're grieving the loss of your dad and the loss of who your mom once was. As we see our family members experience deep changes in personality and physical/emotional changes, it does affect us. Your mom sounds as though she's depressed and possibly has Parkinson's or similar type illness (shuffling was a sign to me and the fact my mom walked and looked like she was much older than she was. Eventually, the doctor verified that she indeed had Parkinson's and we saw a neurologist who was able to start treatment for her).

When my mom wasn't well, I struggled with my attitude, too. She seemed too young to look and act so old. I was busy with my own teenagers, husband, and part-time job. My parents needed more help and I didn't know how I was going to give them what they needed. I grew bitter at times (which helped no one). Thankfully, my relationship with God brought me out of myself and into His compassion and love that He promised to give me and to flow out of me. When I acknowledged that I could not possibly do this apart from His help and the help of those around me, I was able to see more from my mom and dad's perspective and less from my own wants and desires.

A friend of mine who was a hospice nurse, made the comment that she missed all the signs that her dad was actually actively dying. It shocked her when he passed so quickly. I write this, so that you'll understand that even medical professionals may miss something in a loved one that another professional would see. If your mom hasn't been to the doctor for a while, you may want to get her to one. If her sleepiness is more than depression, then a doctor should be able to note this. She may need some anti-depressants for a short time to lift her blues and make her feel more like living, or she may have another illness that needs to be addressed.

I feel for your daughter, too. I hope she has thick skin, because no one likes to be constantly belittled or corrected. She definitely needs some TLC and counseling herself as she's feeling things that no pre-teen wants to experience. She lost a grandpa in a horrific way and now she's seeing her grandmother unable to cope with the reality of her loss along with the general aging process—that's hard for anyone, much less a teen!

Truly, I hope your sessions go well. I will pray for you, your mom, your daughter to find genuine hope and peace in the midst of a stormy life.

Most counseling therapists r pretty good, but for heavens sake don't get one that just sits and stares at u. I've had two like that, they take ur money and don't do a d--n thing. No feedback, comment, suggestions. Nothing! Then tell u to have a good week and see u next session. RUN! It's best if u can find someone specializing in caregiver burnout, who knows abt aging, care issues, etc. And at least COMMENTS helpfully on matters. What's trying is u might have to search and meet with several to find a good fit. Ask them there treatment methods, do they offer suggestions, resources, not just sit there any say nothing. Good luck!

First of all you need to stop being so hard on yourself, I don't think there is anything wrong or unnatural about your feelings. You just lost your father in a horrible way (I lost my GF to suicide and while young, high school, I was very close to him) and you are suddenly faced with already loosing pieces of your mom as well and as I'm sure part of you knows, your mom as you know her. It's so much for one person to bear and I think you are doing remarkably well! You recognise your need for help and are doing things about that, you recognise the inherent problems with moving your mom into your home (for both, all of you) as well as the need to have her close and solved it for now, you are so far ahead of most and doing amazingly well.

Now, your feelings of detachment, I know exactly what your talking about and for me anyway I think it's a protection mechanism. Every time I see my mom shuffling, I know in the back of my head it's a sign of dementia/Alzheimer's and when I try to talk to her the way I always have I'm often reminded that isn't always possible anymore. I need to communicate with her differently now because her brain works differently, I need to work to figure out what she is trying to say because her speech is different (aphasia) but I also am reminded that her core basics haven't changed, both good and bad, she is as complementary,loving and kind as ever (sometimes overly so, I still get tired of hearing how wonderful my husband is when I'm annoyed with him, lol) as well as stubborn and oblivious as ever (still dumps her pills into a glass and lets them sit rather than just putting them in her mouth when the alarm goes off!). It's so sad for me to watch her struggle to communicate but it also frustrates me to no end that she refuses to go to speech therapy any more or have contact with people (other than my brothers and I) and use her speech because the difference in her ability to think and speak is so dramatic when she does, use it or loose it and it frustrates me to no end that she refuses to drink enough water daily and makes it such a struggle for us because it makes such a difference in her fluid retention (weight) and in turn her heart symptoms and cognitive ability. I could go on with frustrations and yes things that simply make me angry with her but then I remind myself that it has to be her choice. This is her end of life and while it makes me very sad and even a bit unloved and appreciated that she makes choices that will end her life sooner or at least her quality of life and therefore my quality of time with her, if it makes her happier I guess she is living the quality of life she wants. So even though it's problematic and will give us more grief eventually I don't lean on her as much about the salt as I was, I might remind her but I know how much she has always loved salt and I can't imagine how awful it must be to need more to get the same satisfaction yet be told I need to have less. She's diabetic too so sugar is something she needs to watch as well and she generally does a great job with that. I want her as happy as possible before she enters the next stage of oblivion I expect will come so I am learning to let as much as I can go and appreciate that she is happy. I also remind myself that she isn't in control of so much of this, her suffering for instance and how awful it must be for her when she's aware of that and she is but I have to cut myself a break too and not try to force the feelings I want but allow myself to mourn the mom I'm missing. Your mom has the added burden of mourning her husband and protector, that can take a long time in the best of circumstances and some of the behavior you describe sounds like depression to me but I also know how muddled that can get with the other things going on, for both of you. I would suggest getting mom to someone in geriatrics who might help with depression as well and of course look into things that help you keep her on her own if that's her pref

It is very normal,

I had the same feelings, my mom had a stroke 16 years ago, was left paralyzed on her left side & in a wheelchair. At first, I was at her house every day, several times a day. I had a very young son at the time and definitely put strain on my relationship with my husband, but it was my mom!! After a few months, I noticed that she was getting too dependent on me being there, so I started to back off. We had her bathroom equipped for handicapped accessibility - bars, shower accessibility, etc.... It was definitely tough love, but she needed to gain back some confidence & independence. And it worked! She was able to do a lot more over the next 10 - 12 years, but then started to decline. She started getting very needy, we had a service coming in to help her shower daily & get dressed, but there were days she just didn't want to.

We had to move her to a nursing home earlier this year ( needed 24 hour care), I love my mom, but I understand what you are going through, I almost felt dead inside and I felt like I missed out an a lot to take care of her.

You are still grieving, give yourself a break, keeping her safe is the most important part.

I wish you the best - happy holidays.

Your post helped me at least to know I’m not alone. I’m also a RN and have become very resentful of having to care for my MIL.
I’m angry with my husbands sister for dying young and unexpectedly. As stupid as this sounds. We became her only caregivers that day. Something I never expected and I’m very unhappy about.
Ive become a hateful bitter person that I truly wasn’t before. It didn’t happen overnight but in two years of her living with us it did. So much so we moved her back to her own place. At least for now.
I know it’s best because of how I FEEL towards her.
I had to accept this is how I feel and I cannot change how I feel. She is a burden that is holding us back from moving out of state and purchasing a home because we can’t afford a home that would accommodate her living with us.
It’s effected my outlook with my patients in long term care somewhat too. I understand when families don’t visit etc.
I share this to tell you I don’t think we can help our reactions or how we feel towards someone. Even defenseless little old ladies. There’s baggage there and I advise you to forgive yourself for feeling and reacting the way that you are. The more I tried to change my feelings the more resentful I felt.
Maybe consider AL or LTC for your mother in a nursing home. Your having to care for her is a new burden in your life and it’s not helping your feelings towards her.
Counseling of course is a great idea. I would try to disguise your feelings and visit your mom 3 times a week at first in the home. Don’t share the bad times or frustration with her with her staff there. In my experience they’re not going to get it nor would you really want them to.
I think to do what’s best for everyone would be to have her cared for by people that don’t have these negative emotions attached to her.
You're not alone in your feelings and reactions. It’s especially difficult to watch your parent decline. I think it reminds us of our own mortality and gives a gut wretching reaction.
Whatever you decide to do it it needs to best for EVERYONE involved. That definitely includes you!! All my best.

Suicide is such a selfish act, it leaves those behind wondering why, how could they not see it coming, what could they have done to stop it, as well as, abandoned, unloved, angry and resentful. Feeling pizzed off at a dead person goes against everything we know, "don't speak ill of the dead." Yet, we are angry and we should be, but not forever.

I can't imagine how your mom feels all of these things and more, so much more intensely than you feel them. This was her life partner and she could not stop this from happening.

I would be quite happy that she was even getting dressed. She is trying but she has the weight of this awful thing on her shoulders.

I think correcting your daughter is her trying to find normalcy, her generation all the elder women corrected the younger girls and tried to help them be respectable young ladies, times have changed so far from what she grew up with. Maybe she sees that you are always having to give it to your daughter and trying to reinforce what you are saying. My grandma was the 1st one to correct me, so I don't find that particularly disturbing, your daughter and yours reaction bothers me more, respect your elders. G'ma may need to know her harshness is to much but if this is an issue that keeps coming up, we all increase the force hoping it will finally resolve. Just my thoughts.

If your mom hasn't had any grief counseling, you really should just schedule it and take her, ugly sweater and all.

Remember, she isn't the one that changed everything so dramatically, cut her some slack, she is trying but her world as she knew it was destroyed and she may be wondering if anything was as she believed it to be. She may even feel like it was because of her. As much as this has effected you, it has effected her a 1000xs more. Get both of you help and may God lead, guide and direct your healing and hearts.

Hugs for you and mom.