I've posted various questions here and mentioned briefly about my background. However as a quick summary, my father took his own life at the age of 79 this past March. This has obviously left our family reeling and dealing with multiple emotions. I am a nurse and currently in school for my Nurse Practitioner. I "know" what I am supposed to do, and I have counseling scheduled to help me work through anger, grief, guilt, etc. So, I know I can't NOT address my own issues if for nothing else but to be the best mama and wife I can to my family so they don't suffer because of any unresolved issues I have.
That being said...My 80 year old mom has been abandoned and is depressed beyond words. Understandably so. 55 years with my father. The woman is broken. She may have had some early signs of dementia a year or two ago (now that I look back), that maybe my dad was hiding pretty well. Because now, especially in the evenings, she says some very "off" things. She is sleepy all the time. She shuffles around and looks 120 years old. She is living in a first floor apt. literally 2 minutes from my home. This was because of her knees and also because I just don't think it is healthy for my mom to live WITH me. I love her and respect her but she is stubborn and fiesty and has no problem just walking in our bedrooms unannounced. So...this is best.
Ok, so what do I need help with? The Mindset question...I CANNOT seem to be there emotionally for my mom. I am irritated by the way she has seemingly given up on functioning. The shuffling. The unkempt look about her. The falling asleep talking to me. The getting on my pre-teen daughter (Who TRUST me gets it from me ALL the time...she doesn't need two of us)in a very mean way at times...just her VERY negative way now. As you're reading this I bet I sound so mean. How can a nurse and a future NP feel this way? How can I be so heartless?
I ask myself the same questions. I want to know if anyone has felt this way and has any advice on how to turn my mindset around. I do a lot for my mom and she always says "You take such good care of me", but I don't FEEL warm towards her. I have to think that what my father did has broken something in me, and I too acknowledge my mom and her grief would require me dealing with what dad did and I need some professional help with that. (Soon to come next week first session). I just feel cold. I want someone to tell me that it will get better. Or even tell me to get my head out of my butt and just BE NICE. Mom said tonight all I ever do is tell her what she's doing wrong (stand up straight, pick up your feet, let's put on a prettier sweater, etc). I guess I just feel like I'm trying to perk her up.
Anyway, this was more of a ramble than anything. Just wanted some thoughts or advice. Or, even let me have it :-)
This website and forum have been very helpful to me. Thank you!
This is expected. It is normal to grieve. It's not your "fault" you feel this way. Feelings, though they can mislead us, are very real. The worst way to respond is to stuff these feelings and numb out. Experience your feelings. Process your emotions and thoughts and work through the grief of your loss. Only then can you truly be the mother, wife, and daughter that you want to be.
Blessings to you in your struggle.
She used to walk in my house and nitpick every single thing, each time she saw me ask ‘what happened to your hair,’ etc. I wonder if I’m not just doing knee-jerk reactions now because of how she had acted.
Good luck in counseling, it’s a great process. I am SO sorry for the loss of your father, bless him. I hope you will meet him in forgiveness along the way. We can never know what kind of suffering his brain had created. Sending you a very big hug. 💐
I say this kkindly: Learn to separate how you FEEL from what you DO. It is not easy.
You may want to consider asking God to give you (more of) a servant's heart.
I will not recite my own caregiving of my massively handicapped wife for many years.
Suffice to say I was given the grace to endure it and ultimately delight in it.
Grace + Peace,
Bob
As a fellow nurse I understand that you should FEEL better towards your mom, however your mom is going through the unthinkable right now. Put yourself in her shoes. I mean think about what happened. She was with him for 55 YEARS! This is half a life time. He was probably the love of her life. I don’t know your story enough to know but from what you said your mom sounds very depressed beyond words. Is she on meds for this ?? Is she in counseling? You HAVE too take all of this into consideration. Also I went through a horrible situation with my mom. She had Lewis body demita while very rare it was awful. My mom turned into a mean terrible person. I was the one who put her too bed and found her completely covered in blood a few hours later. I live with this guilt every day. Anyway as you know when someone gets early onset their mind changes. Get her checked. You are her main caregiver now. She has no one else. She’s dependent on you right now just as my mom was me. Don’t let your mom down by giving up on her bc she may/may not have a problem. Love her for the person she is and support her through this Trumatic event. It’s up to you now. Also if your daughter is seeing the way ( or hearing you) treat your mom this way she’s going to learn to not repoect grandma now bc she’s “different “ Children live what they learn. You need to really step back a moment and look at the whole picture. I know your in a horrible way yourself so talk to you therapist about how you feel. It’s the only way you are going to see your way through this dark time and try to love your mom for who she is now. Believe me it’s very hard. Very hard. I am still in counciling bc of what happened.
Just try to remember that she loves you and really needs you right now. You need her too but don’t realize it yet. You are angry about what happened. You need to come to terms with this before you can move forward.
I feel for you. I really do. However please remember that your mom and yourself had a relationship at one point ( I bam guessing) try to get it back even though it may be different now she’s still your mom.
Please hang in there. It with get better. Praying for you and your family.
Besides Mom losing your Dad, she lost him to suicide. She must be wondering what she did that he would end his life when she needed him the most. She is lost.
Now you, I can see how you feel. I believe if you r capable of doing for yourself than you need to do it. With school you really just want things to go smoothly. Now Dad has put a wrench into it and Mom not dealing well all because he chose not to live anymore. Leaving you with the responsibility of caring for a elderly Mom. I would be angry too.