If you have been a caregiver to your parents, has that effected your opinion of your children caring for you in your senior years?

That's very considerate. I also would want my children to live their life. Keep things as mom and daughter, not caregiver. I dont have kids. Just saying.

A good thing to have is long term care insurance, so we have it when we need it.
All the best :)

1826,

Yeah, we have not checked into that. I guess we should consider it. Do you have it?

Not yet, but I'm considering it

Let us know what you find out please, 1826.

A lot of people don’t have long term care insurance because they can’t afford it or they never thought about it. My mother doesn’t have it and neither do I. I heard it is expensive. My kids both told me at thanksgiving that if I ever act the way grandma does, they are putting me in a home!!! I said not if I don’t want to, lol. But if I got to a point where I couldn’t take care of myself I would want home health aids to come to my house. I would be agreeable. I wouldn’t give them a hard time. Now if I had dementia, well that’s a different story. I would want to go to a nursing home and not be a burden to my kids.

Unless we establish a trust, we are all subject to someone declaring us mentally unfit and taking over everything we own - even kids you never thought would do that! They can spend the money on themselves and we are left to handle life on our own (happened with my mom - younger brother about bled her dry). I would urge everyone to see an eldercare atty to protect your assets.

My experience with caring for mom really taught me the importance of planning ahead. My husband and I plan to talk to the lawyer to get our own estate plan in order. Honestly, before I became a caregiver, I had never thought too much about having a will, trust, POA, etc. It was always something I'd think about "later". But after all that we went through and mom being relatively young when she started to develop dementia and memory loss and then when she passed, it really opened my eyes. We never know when illness might put us in a position of needing care.

I personally want to be placed in a facility if I can no longer care for myself, and plan to make provisions for that in the estate planning process if possible. I want to spell our wishes out in writing for the kids, and have a plan in place to take as much of the load off of them as we can.

I had long term care insurance, but cancelled it years ago when it was reasonable and I was younger. I wish I did not cancel it, but too expensive now. Do not want any family members caring for me. I hope to live the rest of my life in my own home, but if not possible I want to be placed in a nice decent facility.

I have made it clear to them that they are to put me in a facility. I'm certain i will die before i get old so it likely wont matter, but i have been explicitly clear in my wishes.

When my kids said they would care for me, I stopped them immediately and said to them, “Like hell, you will! No you will not because I won’t allow it but I appreciate that you want to.”

i think the current laws make perfectly good sense . if you would like to benefit from your parents accrued assets youre going to have to take care of them . if you leave it to the state the assets will be burned up .

if my kid or grandkid sees to it that i stay in my home , they become the owners of a dam nice home and property . they will have earned it imo .

it aint always that simple but many times it is . a fellow i used to work with was btchn about his mothers assets disappearing in only a couple years of institutional care . there were 5 kids in his family yet no one could take care of mom ? must not have wanted the assets very badly .

It’s a trade off, Cap. Plus sometimes it’s more care than a person can handle. Know what I mean?

Earlybird,

True, Insurance is very expensive. Out of a lot of people’s budget.

yes i know what you mean . near end of life , caregiving requires multiple shifts of people . some families can pull it off and many cant . i certainly wasnt meaning to be all knowing or judgemental . just speaking in generalities ( kinda like the law does ) .

Cap,

I know that you weren’t coming off as judgmental. I judged myself much harder than anyone else ever did. You know, feeling like a failure trying to do everything on my own. It became too much. Plus I had also cared for daddy and my brother too.

Daddy was no problem though. He was so gracious. He was a very humble man and the best grandfather my kids could have ever had. Just like my grandpa was to me.

This reminds me that I need to drag hubs to the lawyer to make a POA and update our wills.. Although our DD is an only child and the will should transfer to the new house. But I have had my parents POA since I was in my 30s.. time to bring DD on board!

my mom was a hilljack . she didnt want or need to socialize ( institutional life ) . if her care had gotten a lot more ' intimate ' i might not have been able to cope with it .

for sure , many people have nightmare caregiving difficulties -- many with health and other complications of their own . my apologies to anyone who thought i was being smug or simplistic .

i wanna stay in my home and id will it to a crackhead stranger if they made my determination a reality .

Cap,

This is true. Some people don’t care about socializing. My mom doesn’t care about it. When she went into the nursing home for rehab she had a sweet roommate. She did appreciate her. But as far as participating in bingo, gardening, crafts, eating outside of her room. Nope, she wasn’t having any part of it.

oughtta write a general will right now . " whoever the hell fullfills my end of life needs and defends my self determination " , thats who gets my crap .

it might even create some competition . lol .
it IS a beautiful little home .

Some people are introverts. My mom was very active when younger but not an extremely social person. Her sister was. Not mom though.

I think personality does come into play. Independent people don’t want to have to depend on others.

Gosh, I remember having to lie to grandma to mop her floor because if I came out and asked her if I could mop, she was insulted thinking that I thought that she couldn’t do her work herself. So, I told her that I spilled something and needed a mop. Worked like a charm.

Her legs were failing her a bit. I knew mopping was hard for her. I was in my twenties and mopping was easy for me. I loved her and wanted to help.

Hey, might work Cap! Might stir up some competition for you.

im not liking my current reality . my 37 yr old son has been stabbing me in the back for the last 20 years . hes got ' nothing in ' mine and jakes new home and he just isnt proper heir to it .

i wish i were exxagerating but im not . only a year ago him and / or his mother tried to get me busted for something they thought i had in my possession . it didnt work but they never stop trying .

neither of them will ever live in this home . they pissed away the last one .

yea , i didnt think my " will " idea was the worst thing ive ever heard . if you can have a " caregivER " contract , why cant you have a " caregivING " contract ?

Cap,

I think you’re onto something. It’s your property. I don’t know the laws in your area.

We don’t have forced heirship in our state. So a child will not automatically inherit a parent’s property.

I agree 100 percent. I do not want my daughter to have the caregiving responsibility that I have had. You never know what’s gonna happen but I hope I plan ahead so she doesn’t have to hear the burden.

Oh, yes. It's changed my perspective greatly. We're investing in long term care insurance. I've also spelled out in great detail what my limits are when it comes to medical intervention. My daughter also knows that I do NOT expect her to visit me daily when I'm old and sick. She has a responsibility to build and live her own life. One weekly visit (if she stays local) is sufficient. Our family home (a small lake house) will transfer over to her and it'll be her decision if she wishes to keep it or sell it. Finally, I've made it crystal clear to her and my husband that I have no intention of dying from dementia. I intend to leave this world with my facilities and on my own terms. I accept that every life must end and instead of clinging to the shattered remains of it at the end, I intend to make the most of the years that truly matter, and I encourage my family to do the same.

I looked into long tern care insurance and it is too expensive. Almost $300 per month. Luckily living in Canada, publicly funded facilities are available. The operate similarly to Medicaid funded facilities in the US, without the 5 year look back and limit of $2000 cash on hand or lien on the family home.

I will not look after my parents, and I certainly do not expect my kids to look after me. They have their own lives to live. Currently none of them live in my home town, I would not expect them to move here to provide care.

Luckily, I live in Canada and MAiD is legal and available should I become terminally ill. There have been recent court challenges regarding Advanced Directives and allowing it for dementia patients.

My paperwork is all in order. I have no debt. I do have clutter and I have been working with a wonderful woman to purge the extras from my house. It is a slow process, as I am going through 22 years and 3 kids of accumulation, but I am getting there.

If I stay in my house, I will put in an accessible (no stairs) basement suite. I will move downstairs and the rent will help with bills and perhaps some home support. I live in town, walking distance to my doctor and all services. There is Handi Dart available should I need it once I no longer drive. Grocery and Rx delivery are available too.

I absolutely don’t want my children to feel guilty about not caring for me. They don’t have to visit me every single day either! Honestly, I would rather be dead than to be a burden on anyone.

I worked with a woman who told me that she had to call her mom daily because her mom called her mother daily. She insisted that she do the same. I told her that is ridiculous. She should call if she wants to, not because her mom made her feel guilty if she didn’t call.

I would not want my kids to feel that they had to take care of me. I’d also like to have my trust & finances set up so that if there is anything left my kids inherit equally & if I pass before my husband he won’t be able to change my wishes.