Really having the internal struggle today. In my head, I know that my Mom, even though she hates Assisted Living, is being cared for. She is being fed, has made some friends, gets her meds like she should, etc. As her Frontal Lobe Dementia/Delusional Disorder continues to progress, there will be psychiatric care available to her.
In my heart however, I feel guilty and bad for a Mom who was taken from her home to a Facility that is over an hour away in the middle of nowhere. She has nothing to look forward to and will likely die there. Her depression has worsened. She calls and guilt trips me saying "You're not doing enough to get me out of here", or "You act like you don't even care if I go home". I just keep telling her to follow through with her doctor's appointments and try to stay active and help and take care of herself, when deep down, I know she will never leave there, kind of misleading her.
Its a tough road. I do feel relief that the daily caregiving burden is now being done by someone else, but feel guilty at the same time. I'm only visiting once a month now, because I can't deal with constant talk of "what I need to do so she can go home". I'm sure many of you deal with the same thing daily. I'm glad we are all here of each other!
Have you try writing your feelings down on paper? Some times it helps to get our feelings out and see if there is any real base to our feelings and our crazy emotions. Just a thought!
Hugs!!
Take a deep breath and know that you are enough just as you are. You are doing the right thing by ensuring that she gets the level of care she needs by placing her in a facility with skilled nurses that can properly watch over her and care for her. You are only ONE person and can only do so much- nurses are trained professionals and work in shifts. Trust me, you have made the right decision. Don't let mom manipulate you with her pity party and negativity.
You have my support. Many of us have been where you are. I am in therapy. It definitely helps. Best wishes to you 💗.
Cheri and Val,
I understand the pain you feel. Watching suffering, guilt, others wanting to die is so heartbreaking to see even if they have valid reasons for it, exhaustion and so on. It’s a constant battle that we have gone through or still going through.
Thank you for your post. It does help to know that I am not the only one experiencing this.
When she says, “I want to go home.” You say, “I know that you do but this is your home now.” Tell her when you reached a certain age that you left her home to start your new life.
It was appropriate for you to move away from your mom’s house. You were not going to live at home forever. She is at the appropriate age to move out of her home and not return, just as you did not return home to her house. It’s called, ‘moving on.’
But then I remind myself that she is safe, is taking her meds as directed, eating well, and is never alone if she needs something. She has people to talk to and activities to join in on.
And I can visit to see her, not do her household chores, change lightbulbs, and the hundred little things she needed done at her house.
When you do visit, direct the conversation. Bring a game, a puzzle, a craft, anything to work on together and talk about. When she falls into the "you must do this..., that..., or the other.... get her out," redirect the conversation to the good things she has in the present location. Never promise something you will not do. Just keep redirecting the conversation to more positive subjects.
They always want to go home. She doesn't realize how good she has it. That is what I would keep saying. Mom you have a really nice place, an apt to yourself. You don't have to cook. Don't have to clean. Don't have to do laundry. Your making new friends. And mislead. She has Dementia. She can't reason anymore.
DH & I went to see my 93 y/o mother in her Memory Care ALF last night, as we normally do. The visits are getting harder and harder for us as her disease progresses and her behaviors worsen. When we got home I just broke down & cried at the dinner table. I'm just so exhausted, emotionally & psychically. It's been since 2011 that my folks moved here after dad had to give up his license, and 5 years since he passed away. My mother has been getting increasingly more difficult to handle ever since, and as an only child, I bear ALL of the burdens. It's a lot. Just the mental anguish alone feels like a full time job sometimes, doesn't it? The never feeling 'good enough' or that we've 'done enough' or that we can make them happy just grinds away at the psyche and erodes the spirit after a while.
I have no sage advice to offer, just to say I 'get it'. I feel your pain. Hang in there. She's in good hands, you're a good daughter, and you've done The Right Thing. Don't let ANYONE tell you differently, okay?