It just hit me today when mom was having a psychotic episode accusing me of giving her "my" medicare mail and trying to pawn it off on her. I''m 53 and not on Medicare. Me telling her that only enraged her. She kept yelling that this was not her mail and why did she have to deal with my problems. I said Oh no, I cannot do this alone anymore When she 'came to' a bit she 'informed' me of how I need to handle her better so she doesn't get so upset. I thought wtf that's what alcoholics do to their victims -- tell them how wrong the victim is and how they should be better so the alcoholic won't behave so badly. When I I told mom today I can't do this alone anymore. She just interpreted that to meaning I couldn't handle the mail anymore. These psycho episodes are becoming more and more common. Parkinson's dementia! Just thought I'd vent my observation.
I have not lived with an alcoholic so I can't comment on the similarities. I do know one very large difference, though. No amount of reasoning, talking, explaining, or arguing, can get someone with dementia to change, and there is no detox or rehab program that can, either. Parkinson's Disease Dementia (PDD) is one of the Lewy Body dementias. Mom has in her brain deposits of alpha-synuclein protein, first discovered by Frederick Lewy and named after him. These Lewy Bodies interfere with the normal working of the brain. She can't help it. You can't help it. And there is currently no cure. She cannot simply decide she wants to change and then go about doing what is necessary to make that happen. Those Lewy Bodies are there to stay.
It will help if you try not to argue with your mom. She says the Medicare mail isn't hers? "Sorry, Mom. Did I give you any other wrong mail?" If she is so confused she doesn't know she is on Medicare, she probably won't be able to handle that mail in any case. Of course you are "right" -- it is her mail. But who is right or wrong isn't as important as keeping things calm.
If you can't do this alone anymore, it doesn't do any good to tell that to Mom. She can't help the condition of her brain and threats or bribes or reasoning won't allow her to change. Instead, set about making changes so that you don't have to do this alone any more. That is, if this is a thought-out decision and not just venting in a moment of exasperation (which all caregivers have!)
Would it help enough to have some in-home help with Mom? You might try that first. Placing her in a care center is another option. There each shift of caregivers is well rested and has a life outside of caring for persons with dementia. They also have help available from others if a situation calls for more than one person.
If venting helps enough, awesome! Also get some respite. Bring in more help if you need it. And consider long-term care, if not for right now, for down the road. These episodes are going to continue and also to get worse.
Best wishes to you in this extremely challenging job.
redirecting / placating takes practice but its worth the effort. i think dementia makes mental retardation look like a brain fart in comparison. the argumentiveness and agitation will get worse so you simply must read all you can and get yourself into a resolute mindset.
residential care may be a good option for some people but im of the opinion that many are staffed with low skilled dullards. if dementia care was so taxing on me how the hell can a 20 yr old crackhead be up to the task?
As Alzheimer's and other dementias progress, behaviors change — as does your role as caregiver. While changes in behavior can be challenging, you need to upgrade yourself to take care of your loved ones.
Probably the best way to transition to long term care is via the respite time. She has to accept that because of your surgery, and once she is there it may be easier to make it permanent. Have you found a respite service in a care center that would be suitable for your mom?