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I went over to my mothers house last night at 6:00pm. Her door was locked as it usually is. I unlocked it and said hello. She kept saying hello, hello. I went in the living room and she wasn’t on the couch. I couldn’t see her.


I went in the hallway thinking she might have gone upstairs. I could hear her saying hello. I went in the living room and she was laying on her stomach on the floor next to the couch.


She was awake and alert. I called 911. They told me not to move her. The EMT’S would move her. I held her hand till they came. She was alert and conscious.


They took her to the hospital and I met her there. The doctor took off her sock and said her feet!! Her feet, the skin is falling off her feet. I told him she won’t let me bathe or soak her feet. She is suppose to go to the foot doctor on Saturday.


The doctor said when was the last time anyone saw her? I said I was there Sunday night and don’t know how long she had been laying there. I found her Tuesday night.


I explained how she takes call a bus once a week. She doesn’t want any help.,She won’t let me bathe her or wash her hair or change her clothes.


They did testing. She had a stroke on her right side and pneumonia in her right lung.


They will do a brain scan on her. She didn’t know what month it was. She didn’t know where she was. She told me to get married. I’ve been married 36 years. I can’t stop crying. I held her hand. I just got home from the hospital and will go back tomorrow.


I feel guilty for not finding her sooner. I should have gone over on Monday. I’m feeling overwhelmed with guilt.

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What wonderful support you are getting from people on this forum. Your mother was living the best she could and in the way she wanted to without much help. Her time was done. There is nothing for you to feel guilty about. Her outcome would no doubt have been the same whether you had found her a day earlier or not.

She was at the hospital receiving whatever care was appropriate and she didn't linger too long.

Remember her well and be good to yourself.
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Dear Elaine,

Thinking of you today and hoping you are not just taking care of the necessities that losing your mom brings but you are taking moments, even if they are small ones to take care of yourself. If necessary, take advantage of grief support groups via Zoom if you need the extra support to work through the many aspects of grief.

It's very hard to believe two weeks have nearly passed and I know for many of us what happened affected us as well in various ways.

Continued prayers especially as the holiday season is upon us - those seem to be some of the hardest times for all those who are grieving.
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Elaine1962, thinking of you. I know that you are likely more than busy trying to settle things out. Hope you are healing and doing well. Our thoughts are with you.
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Dear "Elaine1962,"

I know there are many things to take care of so I don't expect you to have the time or inclination to let us know how things are going so just know that you're in many of our thoughts and continued prayers.

Hope you are taking a few moments in between the tasks to take care of yourself.
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Thinking of you Elaine. Wondering how you are doing. I know there is a whole lot to do now. Just know you are in the hearts of very many here.
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Elaine,
I am so very sorry for your loss. May God be with you in your time of need.

Sending you lots of hugs.💕
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Me too, Elaine. I second Polar’s thoughts. Also thinking of you. Sending you a bazillion hugs!
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elaine - thinking of you. Are you alright?
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Please, please don’t beat yourself up. You are a wonderful daughter. I’m so sorry you went through this. 🙏🏼
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Elaine, Im so sorry about your mom passing. Please know that we all send love and blessings for you and your son during this sad time. There will be a lot to do going forward, so please take the time you need for self care. And come here and let us hear from you. Liz
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Good that your brother was able to make it before she passed. She got what she wanted, to live her way in her home until the dreaded happened. Time will help heal you, but now begins the clean out of her place, which will be difficult for you, bringing up memories, etc. Take your time, get help if you can.

Do take care of yourself - the worst is really over now, just the lingering mundane tasks to be taken care of. The "reminders" are hard. It takes me some time to get over the loss of another kitty, missing one who would greet me at the door and annoy the bejesus out of my old girl, just because, his willingness to allow the other "girls" to get into a snuggle bed with him, etc. My old girl, who I just lost, is really tough. She was with me over 21.5 years. Every feeding time, sitting at my PC, coming in to see if she's up and about in the morning, all reminders that she's gone. :-( Being retired, her presence is all the more missed, because I am home most days, all day. Good memories too - those help a bit.

If possible, when you feel up to it, do come back. You have a lot of wisdom and suggestions that may help others. Even just commiseration is helpful, to the many who think they are on these journeys alone. Virtual hugs sweetie!
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People really really need to read all the replies before they comment. I know others have already said it and it did no good so I don’t know why I am saying it either. People take the time to write out lengthy replies with their advice but won’t take a few swords to read through the most recent replies to see if something has changed. I don’t think Elaine wants to come back here and read comments saying that the best she can do is put her mother in a safe place! If that had even been possible her mother wouldn’t have been living alone. Or read lengthy post on rehab and what to avoid when picking one! Comments like those, although well meaning, can be salt in the wound. They can easily re-open the floodgates. I mean all it would have taken here was a few seconds to read the last few replies & see that rehab is not in the cards her and dear Elaines mother is now in the safest place she could be!
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My dear soul - sounds like you really love her. How can YOU be guilty of not finding her sooner? These things happen and it is NOT your fault. I gather that she is not too well physically and seems to be having dementia. Perhaps this is the time where you must realize that the best you can do to help and protect her is place her in a safe place. If she refuses to cooperate, and this will get worse, you can't make her do what needs to be done. So this may be your best and most sensible option. Continue to love her and visit her but I think it is time to act.
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Re: Rehab. Just when you think she's not going to make it out of the hospital alive, next thing you know you're being asked by the hospital to make a decision on which rehab, and they suddenly require the decision within hours! I chose a rehab 15-minutes drive from mom's house, thinking it made sense. But all rehabs are not the same. The federal star system rates the best at 5 stars. The one I chose had 4 stars, and I thought, what's the difference, it's just one star. Wrong!

Rehab lowlights:
*Medication error while I was standing there and nurse refused to admit it.
*The rehab admitted a street person. She was a mentally ill addict or alcoholic as far as I could tell. This large, imposing woman arrived with no clothes so they gave her a set of scrubs. The woman roamed from room to room and the confused residents thought she worked there. I sat in my mother's room until midnight that night with the door locked, then left her window shade partly open and sat in the parking lot another half hour, checking to see if anyone entered the room.
*At the rehab, mom acquired a staph infection on a bit of open skin on her spine---shared bathroom at rehab probably related. It was treated with a topical antibiotic and then left alone. I didn't follow up on it because a new serious medical issue arose: a mystery tumor in her arm that was advanced enough to grow cells to attach to her circulatory system! Three weeks later, after mom had settled in to a nice secured memory care, the doc there discovered the tiny pimple on her spine had grown to a massive abscess on her spine that required twice daily treatment and bandage change, with risk of infection going directly into her bloodstream. It all began at the crappy rehab....

Advice: Avoid a rehab in a poor neighborhood. Find a rehab in a wealthy suburb. You don't need the duck pond or the grand piano, but those types of things are the signals to let you know you've (probably) arrived at a decent place.

More advice: I spent 4-6 hours with my mother every day she was at the rehab, 4 weeks. I had to bring her food and cajole her into eating it, because the food was so awful and no one had time to sit with individual residents and get them to eat. My mother was underweight before she fell, definitely underweight after lying on the floor for 3 days semi-conscious, and then a week in the hospital unable to swallow. She needed to eat!

With your mother recovering from a stroke and needing intensive intervention and monitoring, you might even consider bringing her home instead of rehab, if you're not allowed to visit and stay long periods at rehab due to COVID precautions. If your situation allows, hire caregivers at home where you and other family or friends can be there. Even in a good rehab, she'll be getting one-on-one attention total of 3 hours per day max from physical therapist and speech therapist--that leaves 21 other hours where she's lying alone in a room with a TV.

For my own guilt and regret level, I felt more guilty for the crappy rehab than anything else.

Hope this helps someone.
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(((((Elaine)))) my deepest condolences on your loss. You are a wonderful and caring daughter. Your mum had her wishes right till the end. Many of us could only hope for that. Please take care of yourself as you go through this next phase and keeping coming back here for support.
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So very sorry for your loss Elaine ❤️

You’re mom did it her way until the very end. I can’t help think of Frank Sinatra’s great song “my way” right now. Your mom is probably dancing in heaven right now with all her family & friends!
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Sorry Elaine for the passing of your mom. What we love deeply will always be a part of us. You are a good daughter.
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Dear "Elaine1962,"

I'm especially thinking of you this morning/today - the first full day after can be the most "surreal" and "unbelievable" moments a person experiences after losing a loved one (I still remember "the morning after" my dad passed away 16 years ago - where we lived, where I went out on the back patio to stand, what the sky looked like - even which way I was facing).

I hope you have a good relationship with your brother and that he is able to stay with you for awhile before heading home.

What a whirlwind of a "week" it's been for you and your family.

I continue to pray for you in this next and final part of your journey - please take care of yourself ---

Sending you a hug!
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Wrapping you in hugs & love, dear Elaine, and sending you my deepest condolences for your loss. I'm so glad your brother arrived in time and you were able to all be together to wish your dear mother farewell.

When the pain isn't quite so raw, you're going to be able to celebrate your mother's unique life and the fact that she lived it how SHE wanted..........and left the Earth without a long, drawn out illness, thank God.

Come back & let us know how you're doing; we all care.
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Oh, Elaine. I am so sorry. While this may have been expected, it doesn't do anything to help the pain. Please let yourself somewhere feel the relief I felt when I lost my brother, that I never had to be afraid for him again, that I never had to witness him go down the long slow slide he never would have wanted, and which would have broken him utterly. Your Mom insisted it be her way, and she got to do it that way. Comfort and love out to you. Many here thought she might be "waiting" for your brother to arrive. I think many of us were afraid when we didn't hear from you for a while, that this was the case. Please be comforted.
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Dear Elaine,
I lost my mom 2 1/2 years ago, so I feel your pain. Wish I could give you a hug. Lean on your faith to get you through this.
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Elaine I am so sorry. You have been through so much, sending a huge hug.
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I'm very sorry for the loss of your mother. May you receive peace in your heart.
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Dear Elaine,

We mourn with you, as many of us walked this path recently. You have our sympathy and understanding. You are surrounded by love.
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I'm sorry Elaine, you have my sympathy.
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I’m very sorry for your loss. May God give you comfort during this very difficult time.
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I am so very sorry for your loss. (((Hugs))).
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I am so sorry to hear about your mom. Sending you hugs and prayers.
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Dear Elaine, be comforted by your warm memories of your mom in the good years. ((((((Hugs)))))))).
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I’m so sorry for your loss, Elaine.
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