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Elaine,

Thanks for the update. I think you made the right choice for her to receive comfort care.

She knows that you love her. You never abandoned her. Setting boundaries is not abandonment.

Please let go of the guilt. Let us know how your mom is and how you are doing. We care very much.
(9)
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elaine big ((((((((hugs))))))).Your mum lived as she wanted to. You did everything you could to see she got care but she rejected most of your efforts. You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. She is a good age. Please be kind to yourself. These events are hard on everyone. Prayers for you and mum and family,
(10)
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Dear "AnnReid,"

Your story with your mom still breaks my heart and makes me cry as I envision it in my mind. I'm just thankful you were able to be with her in the ambulance and stayed beside her in the ER while sitting in a chair.

She knew you were there and there are so many, many people who don't even have that so she was just as fortunate to have you with her as Elaine's mom has been fortunate to have her even if she fought it every chance she got just so she could live life her own way.

God bless you -
(9)
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Elaine, your mom got to call the shots and she is getting exactly what she wanted. I mean that in the kindest way possible. You done good, kiddo!

Please remember the good times you had with her. When you go to the hospital, play her favorite music and hold ger hand. Tell her you love her.
(15)
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Dear "Elaine1962,"

I'm very sorry to hear that the doctors told you she was worse than last night. This was so sudden and heartbreaking at the same time. I woke up this morning and you both were on my mind and I was wondering what the prognosis was going to be. I'm still going to pray for a miracle anyway.

I still hope you will find a way to be good to yourself in spite of what you felt you "should" have done.

May God give you strength to face the days ahead - sending you a big hug!
(6)
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Shorting of going daily to see your Mom how could you have prevented this other than a morning and night check in call (which can be a good idea if our elders will agree to it). You couldn't have known this.
Elaine, your Mom had a stoke. Neither you nor she felt she currently needed 24/7 care to this point; OR she wouldn't have accepted it and didn't agree to it. She wanted to stay independent in her home. This can happen in those circumstances, and the truth is that anything can happen to any of us when we are alone, and almost at any age. Certainly I could be at the bottom of the stairs tomorrow if the day comes my partner can't see me in a pile down there.
I am so very sorry. I am glad you have agreed to comfort care. If they suspect this is Covid-19 you need to isolate, and test, Elaine, OK. Covid pnemonia often has a vessel inflammation side effect that is causing strokes in the elderly. Just check with Doc. He likely already knows if this is Covid related or not.
Please don't kick yourself. You are feeling the "if onlys". WE ALL DO. My bro died of a cellulitis of the leg. He had this ongoing thing on his shin and I knew was putting Antibiotic on it; Then was sick 3 days and just saying "mild flu like I get every year". I live half the state away and never even THOUGHT to ask if leg thing was still there. It killed him. Got cellulitis which went systemic, and boom. Gone. We cannot predict. Hindsite is always 20/20.
I am so sorry. Are you able to visit Mom?
(8)
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Thank you to everyone for your kind words and well wishes. It mean so much to have the support here.

My mother had a severe stroke and pneumonia. She doesn’t have her mental capacity. She couldn’t swallow last night.

The doctor called me this morning to tell me she was worse than last night and if it was alright to put her on comfort care. She won’t get better he said. I told him yes. Comfort care at the hospital is what she would have wanted.

I can’t stop crying. I couldn’t sleep last night.

I want to thank each and every one of you for your ongoing support.

I don’t know where I would be without all of you.

Thank you so much!
(17)
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Elaine, just because you’ve been waiting for the event doesn’t make it any easier when it comes. I’m so sorry. You’ve been nothing but faithful to check on your mom despite all the rebuffs you’ve received. Somewhere in there she knows how much you care and appreciates it even if she can never say it. I wish you both peace
(6)
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We are always saying, you need to wait till something happens. This is the something. Your Moms confusion is probably the pneumonia. This is the time to have her evaluated. If its found she cannot be on her own, then decisions will have to be made. If rehab is recommended, send her. This will give you time to make decisions. Will you bring her to live with you or place her in LTC.

So sorry this had to happen.
(4)
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Your relationship with your mom has been so complicated, don't torture yourself with the woulda coulda shoulda, we know that you tried all of those things. (((hugs)))
(8)
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Dear "Sunnydayze,

My mom was like your dad - fiercely independent, strong willed and also, could come across like she had no cognitive issues and I would get blamed for saying something was wrong. She was a first born - I wonder if your dad was too.

I like the person's advice to you - "Life will set in...a crisis will happen...and bring forth the necessary change needed." I really let those words "SOAK" in and I hope others including Elaine who are going through this in their caregiving journey will let it "soak" in too! Thanks for sharing it and I am going to share that with my cousin who is taking care of my mom's brother and SIL who is just barely a year into the caregiving and already worried, upset, exhausted and a whole host of other things that come along with it.

Take care -
(6)
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Hi Elaine,
I understand this feeling and non-stop crying. Some very wise and experienced people have left excellent posts here. I felt the same way over my dad. He was fiercely independent, covered dementia and health issues extremely well for a long time. Looking back, I truly believe he had fallen on several occasions, never told me and managed to somehow get up. A person once gave me good advice... "Life will set in...a crisis will happen...and bring forth the necessary change needed." This is not your fault. You did the best you could do with your mom. Prayers are with you and your entire family.
(9)
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Elaine, yes to please don't be so hard on yourself. Your mom is 96. We cannot protect our parents from decline and its inevitable manifestations. You did your best for her that she'd permit and that's the most anyone can do. I pray you will claim this truth so that you will receive peace.
(11)
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My mom fell down a flight of stairs, broke her hip, and dragged herself back up the stairs to her bedroom. She was 90, and the most stubborn human being I’ve ever known.

We had to break into her house to find her. In her pain she pulled the phone off her dresser and called me and said “I’ve had an accident”. That was the last phone call she ever made.

I rode in the ambulance with her to the hospital, and sat in a chair next to her in the Emergency Room, where she stayed until the next afternoon.

I too was “overwhelmed with guilt”, EVEN WHILE KNOWING that there was nothing I could have done to protect her from what happened without removing her from the house that meant everything to her to stay in.

This is your mom’s situation too. How WONDERFUL that until she was 96, she was able to be in charge of herself, for better or for worse.

You knew her, and you knew, as I did, that ANYTHING you did to encroach on HER PERCEPTION of her lifestyle, WOULD BE WRONG! So you did the very best you could. And THAT WAS A KIND AND GENEROUS THING. You know that if you could have spared her this situation, YOU WOULD HAVE DONE THAT. BUT THERE WAS NO WAY TO HAVE DONE ANYTHING THAT WOULDN’T HAVE UPSET HER.

Be at Peace, Elaine. She was brave and stubborn and she loves you still and knows you are with her.
(15)
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Elaine, I am so, so sorry!!

Please be gentle to yourself. Nobodygetsit was spot on when she said this could have happened anytime, even right after you checked in on mom. I know that right now, when you're so raw with emotion, it doesn't feel that way, but hopefully as time goes by, you'll see that you did your very best with and for your mom.

You are both in my prayers for recovery from this. (((hugs)))
(10)
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Elaine, big hugs!

Your mother was competent, remember?
She was allowed to make her own choices, however bad, remember?
You, like many other folks here, were waiting for "the crises", remember?
Work with discharge planning on getting her into the best facility that her resources allow.

There was NOTHING you could do besides wait for this. I sorry that the grief (not guilt) is so painful, but you weren't ALLOWED to do otherwise, by your mom. SHE is the author of her own life, not you.

If anyone tells you otherwise, react with anger and ask them where they were when your efforts to get her help were blocked.

(((((Hugs)))))))))
(15)
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Elaine, thinking of you and mom.
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Deep breaths Elaine.
Sorry this has happened to your Mom.
But you did go over, you did find her!

You are her lifeline, and you did find her.
Who was there to call 911? 🚑 Thank God it was you!

She will get the care she needs now while in the hospital.

This must be so scary for you! Comfort and prayers.
Can you just doze off, get some rest? 🦋

{{{{{hugs}}}}}
(13)
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I hope you are reading this in the morning after a restful night's sleep. There is nothing you could have done to prevent what happened. Your mother is so lucky to have such a loving, thoughtful and tenaciously caring daughter. You have been and are a blessing to her.

Praying for you both.
(11)
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Elaine,

I am tearing up after reading your post. You looked after your mom as best you could. You were following your own mother’s orders. She is an independent woman! She did not want your help.

You faithfully checked on her every week. Your son checked in on her too. She would not move into a facility.

During recent hospital visits the hospital staff did not take your pleas for help seriously.

I remember you telling the hospital staff that it was unsafe for her to be discharged. You desperately tried to get proper care for her.

Living with you wasn’t an option. What choice did you have but to abide by her wishes?

Of course, this situation makes you feel horribly but you couldn’t possibly have known that this would happen to her.

I am sure some sort of mishap was always in the back of your mind because she chose to live alone at an advanced age. She definitely did things her way!

Please don’t feel guilty. This is not your fault.

It is heartbreaking that you found her lying on the floor. It’s very sad that she is suffering with a stroke and pneumonia. Take comfort that she is in a safe place now.

It is scary seeing a parent after having a stroke. I took care of my dad after his stroke. It’s awful to see the damage caused by the stroke. I’m so very sorry.

Please keep us posted as to how she is. Please let us know how you are doing.

Sending prayers and many, many hugs your way!
(8)
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Dear elaine- big long hugs to you. I am so sorry for what happened to your mother but you couldn't have known. No one could. Please do not blame yourself. It's not your fault.
(12)
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Dear "Elaine1962,"

I'm so sorry that this is happening to you and your poor mother. You didn't know and couldn't know this would happen. Strokes happen so suddenly. The main thing is you did find her and she is now in the hospital getting the care she needs.

You are in shock over this so it's no wonder you can't stop crying. I know how you feel - the guilt for not finding her sooner. I've done the same thing many times in the 16 years overseeing my now 95 year old mom. I tried so hard to always keep tabs on her and one day she fell in the backyard, crawling to the clothesline to get herself up in order to call me. I know that doesn't compare to your situation but, I still felt terrible for not being able to be there every second to watch over her (I didn't live with her as I was married).

You could have gone over there on Monday and five minutes later leave and the same thing could have happened after you left. I hope you will get some much needed rest so you can go back to the hospital tomorrow and go from there with what the doctors have to tell you about her overall condition.

I will be praying for you and in the meantime - take care and let us know what you find out tomorrow!
(17)
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