Over the last 15 years I've been a care giver for my elderly father who had dementia until he passed away a few years ago and I'm the sole care giver for my elderly mother who has dementia. Father God has been most kind to me blessing me mentally and physically for all of these years.
During this experience in care giving for my parents I must say that if I ever could not care for myself, that I would never want to be a burden upon my child or anyone else. I would rather die with dignity than being a demented shell of my former self ripping off diapers or throwing body waste at the walls. I say this because my elderly mother does just that. I spend so many early morning hours greeted with the smells of urine or solid waste as I try cleaning it off her and off the bed or wall where she sometimes throws it.
I just would never want to be such a burden on others. Am I the only one here at Aging care.com that feels this way?
Your situation sounds horrific and I am sorry that you are in this situation . Who would ever want to be such a burden on others especially their children. Have you ever thought that you have done everything possible for your mother and it may be time to consider alternative caregiving arrangements?. (My Dad is now in a nursing home, yes their are some good ones out there, where trained professsionals are caring for his needs. I took care of my Dad as long as I could but being at home is no longer a safe and viable option.) I hope this post
Don’t get me wrong, we deeply, deeply, love our parents and couldn’t begin think of not caring for them, yet it is a struggle I wouldn’t wish on my children. However, our parents didn’t ask, or want, to be like they are either, nor do they want to be tossed in a home of strangers. Like my F-I-L terms it, those are places for the “throwaway society”.
There are many positive issues to all the wonderful advances and medical technology of today, but, I honestly feel it is cruel to all concerned, especially the patient, to allow a life to drag on and on with no hope as so many do today. Dementia is such a long and ugly, ugly disease. Watching those you love slowly and sadly slide down Dementia Mountain, knowing their life will never, ever get better, only worse and worse with each passing day, is horrific. What decent quality of life is there sitting as a vegetable in a nursing home or destroying the lives of your children financially, physically and mentally? It is cruel, and I think, at a certain age, when God tries to call us home, He should be allowed to do so instead of performing all these heroic measures.
God bless all of those giving of themselves and their lives to care for those they love. I have been told there is a special place in Heaven for the caregivers. Probably the place with the padded walls.
Many, many times I have told my children, "If I EVER get like that, just shoot me!!" Funny thing, I often times think I hear a gun cocking.
Prayers and hugs to all of you giving so much for those you love.
in fact, NO ONE here should ever recommend a drug. even if you are a doctor or a pharmacist, you still do not know the patient in question. at most we should only suggest seeing a doctor.
I also care for my two-year-old grandson, along with my f-i-l everyday. And, believe me, even though I love them with all my heart and soul, there are days I get rather beaten down and want just a few days respite to call my soul my own. IMHO, you are super human and a saint to have the resilience and strength to maintain such an upbeat attitude. I hope your children are just like you, but so often, they don’t feel the same and are not as enthusiastic about changing your diapers and giving up their lives as you have been for your elders and children.
The world needs more people like you. I wish I could feel that way 24/7, but the best I can do is vent on this site, take a deep breath, put a smile back on my face and go back to giving them the loving and giving they deserve.
God bless you, but I know He already is.
Personally, I think you should honor her best intentions, and get yourself out from under the worst of the physical burdens.
I, too, would never want to be cared for by my children. The idea that it's "what our parents did" is ridiculous. In "our parent's day" the elderly were not kept limping along as empty shells of themselves, kept alive by dozens of prescriptions and medical interventions. Nowadays, most of us are denied a dignified death. I'm always stunned by the number of non-palliative drugs that some advanced demential patients are taking; heart, cholesterol, blood pressure, etc. Even with a medical directive, it's hard to guarantee yourself a graceful ending to your life.
Rainsage, I amnot familiar with your whole situation but have you consider putting your mom in NH? You should not go through this if it taking such a toll on your life n it does seem that way. You can only do so much n you have your own life to live as well. Or, Do you have any other relatives that you can trust or that will even offer some help if you ask them. Sometimes you just have to let them know you need help for they will let you do it all if you don't speak up n sometimes that don't help. But hey, it worth a shot. What about getting some respite care for that will make a big difference even if its a few hrs a wk. IWe all know how demanding caregiving can be n you r a true caregiving person for you already helped your dad up to his passing n I am sorry for your loss. I do understand what u r saying n I would not wont to be a burden on anyone either. Here something to help you a bit, I had to clean poopy off the toilet paper handle n on the toliet bowl handle n a few nice brown turds on the floor a while back. I also had to tear apart the bedroom where the mil is staying one day for I kept smelling a foul odor of stinky, stanky piss! I finally found it where she had hidden it in a large cup between bed n wall. Yep! it had only about 1/3 c of pee in it for the rest was meldew in it n the other part must had tumble over n ran down the wall n on the carpet under bed. so I had a huge mess. I did go off on her for this was when I was in my early stage as a caregiver. Now, from the friends on this site, I undestand a bit more sometimes that she cannot help herself. I learn to take all cups, bowls or anything that can hold urine n put a light in hallway n I leave on a light in bedroom. However, for you it sounds like she cannot hold hers or not sure the deal of throwing it n she probable don't know either unless she feels a bit embarrsed for I don't know your mom. Have you tried some pull up that may be more descreetful? Just a thought. I hope you can find a solution to the flying poopy diaper. All u can do sometimes is find humor to get going on and move forward n breathe.
I just deal with the urine incontinence, his sitting in wet pants on our good furniture and Depends left laying everywhere in his room and bathroom. Then wondering how clean the hands are that touch them and then touch the food in the refrigerator, doorknobs and other common areas. EWE!!! Makes my stomach turn and skin crawl when I think of it, especially with my two-year-old grandson touching same. The fragrance is lovely and we can’t keep ahead of it or afford to have the rugs professionally scrubbed every week. Any suggestions about this issue would be greatly appreciated, as well. I have thought of duct taping parts too. NO!! Just kidding!! However, it is a very frustrating problem and poses immense health concerns. Stock in Lysol wipes, alcohol (both “medicinal” kinds) and latex gloves must be skyrocketing from my purchases alone!
OF COURSE NOT! and, just in case anyone here is actually that stupid, you DUCT TAPE THE DIAPER TOGETHER. it NEVER touches the skin.
DUH.
(not to you manyblessings, but to any idiots who may inhabit this site)
people live way too long these days, and in far worse physical and mental shape than many decades and centuries ago when this was the norm. nursing homes, assisted living, board & care; these are there for a darned good reason and should be used before people destroy their marriages and children. guilt be damned!
i and my sister refuse to take my mother in, and my brother moved out of state forty years ago to make certain he never would have to. you should never have to take care of someone who is toxic to your emotional well being. i don't care if they changed your diapers and fed you as a baby, it amounts to absolutely ZERO next to years of emotional and sometimes physical abuse.
my children love me and i intend to see that they love me forever by never being a burden.