News from Italy

I have been away from the forum for a long time. Things are changing so quickly… yesterday I got a phone call from the doctor in the nursing home: they had X-rays done to my mom since her blood analysis show she has an infection. I had seen the blood analysis results… I had the X-ray results yesterday evening: her lungs are fine, her heart is suffering. She eats very little, I normally go there bringing her a cake or some fruit since she eats very little. He back is aching. From today, she is staying in bed and I can go in her room after having a covid test done. I spent 2 Hours with hervin her room, we called my son and talked a little. But then she was mostly sleeping and crying in her sleep.
that is so very hard! I don’t know what to pray for: I don’t want her to suffer but I would like to have some more time to spend together.

Anche: Happy Easter.

Happy Easter, I hope you are enjoying your day (and eating something delicious)

Happy Easter Anche!

I have been away from internet for a while and had problems with my mail…
but here I am today to wish a very happy Easter to all of you!

Anche: Yes, do report this VERY less than substandard level of care - IF possible.

Thank you my friends! You are right Gardenartist I have no real evidence of what happened… the government pays the sanitary assistance in these facilities the family for the room, food, activities etc.

Anche, what good news, and how wonderful to learn that you've found a much better place and that your mother had made a new friend!   Quelle joie!

As to reporting the first place, if I understand correctly the Italian government was paying for your mother's stay there.  I would contact their local  office, or representative, or perhaps headquarters, and ask how to report an underperforming and potentially negligent facility.  (I use the term potentially b/c you don't want to make accusations, just get the government involved and let them decide what accusations are appropriate.)

Anche, such good news.

Yes, do find out how to report the previous facility. That's the only way these places get it sorted out.

Anche - I am glad your mother is closer to you and in a much better place, a win for both of you! I think there must be some mechanism in place there to report substandard care in facilities, here in Canada this information is required to be posted prominently in every nursing home.

I am queuing to have my 3rd shot… this gives me some time to write to you.
on the 15th December I moved my mom to another facility after in the posh on they almost lost her device for checking her pacemaker… she is now closer and I can visit 6 days/7. But what is more important the check her, they saw her urine was concentrated and so they hydrated her by dripI was told by the nurse but I had already understood it as I saw the needle. In 40 days, in the beautiful new facility they never did anything like this.
Here she says everything is nice, she became friend of another lady whom she eats with and who encourages my mom to eat more! The building is older but they are well organised, the atmosphere seems to be cheerful and we had a good laugh when my mom told me the rehab therapist told her she is so cute he would like to adopt her!
I am now relaxing and sleeping for 8 hours per night! I can’t recall when I could last do this!
but I am still very angry with the other facility and wonder if I can do something to stop their bad behaviour. Not only do they receive money from the government but what about all those elderly people who do not have a family who can check on them?
while there my mom got an infection to her thumb, one to her eyes, they were not able to check her pacemaker, lost her roller (and the found it), broke her phone… let her cry in pain!!!! (Which I was told by the nurse! She told me to tell my mum to ask for help as she seemed afraid… I told her my mum called someone but was told they had no time for her and was probably called some not nice words).

Anche: Great to hear from you!💜

Anche, so good to hear from you!

Hello everyone! I apologise for not having sent you my wishes for Christmas Day yesterday but I wish you all the best for these Christmas holidays!
I have a week off so I will write a little bit about what happened here.
tantissimi auguri per queste feste natalizie a tutti

Thank you Barb! I asked to talk with the doctor as the first day they said they would have make a complete check up.
I will visit her on Thursday and Sunday. They also have a psychologist for both the guests and their families. I will ask if I can meet her.

Anche ((((hugs))))).

Shortly after my mom went to rehab post stroke, I was sitting in her room with her.

She said "you know, I have to pay for everything here". I asked her what she meant. She repeated that everything cost her money. I mentioned that her stay was being paid for by Medicare and she rilled her eyes.

Her nurse came in and gave my mom her pills, one at a time, explaining what each one was. My mother finished taking them and then turned to me and said "you see, I have to do EVERYTHING for myself here!". I asked what she meant and she pointed to her water pitcher and gave a "significant" look.

When the nurae left, I excused myself and followed her. I asked "what the...". Nurse Nancy looked at me sadly and said that the DON had asked the facility psychiatrist to see mom. She was diagnosed with Vascular dementia. After that, we checked up on all of mom's claims, but learned to verify what she was saying. She did a lot of misinterpreting, because her brain was broken and she didn't always ubderstand what was being asked of her.

Anche, first if all, get mom checked for a UTI. If her change of mental status is sudden, it could well be that.

Thank you for your kind reply Beatty. I know that she is probably so confused because she is in a new place and probably she wants to come home. I know she can’t take her medicine on her own neither get dressed as she is no longer able to do that. And I know she is in a double room and not in a 4 beds room. She probably confuses nurses with the other guests… moreover she is almost blind which makes things even more difficul.
But it is hard to know what on the other hand could be true… Are they really rude with her?

Just remember it is early days. Mum is likely to be overwhelmed - new room, new food, new faces.

I find I need a rest on day after arrival at any holiday. All the fuss, packing & buzz subsides & my little brain must process all the new. Even just new smells!

Not remembering the help she got dressing etc could be true or not true... Maybe staff started, wandered off & left her to 'have a go' before coming back?

I have seen a nurse naming & handing each pill individually to a patient & the patient asking "Do you want me to take this? Aren't you going to help me? Do I have to do it myself??" LOL

It's human nature to forget all the help we DID get & remember the part we were alone & overwhelmed.

Give her time. Keep visiting & adding reassurance. Help her to find her voice there, so she can ask for what she needs.

Give yourself time too 🤗

My mum entered the facility last Thursday (4th November). I could visit her on Friday and she was happy, she told me everybody is kind… and that she is already getting better.
yesterday I could visit her again. She was in a very bad mood and very confused. Saying they didn’t give her her medicine or dress her and that she had to do everything on her own. Which is absolutely impossible.
Today we spoke on the phone. She really was angry since they are letting her alone sitting on a chair and won’t let her walk around. She is almost completely bedridden. At home she could walk to the table or the toilet with a Walker and never on her own. She could not even get out of bed on her own.
I talked with a nurse and I asked to get in touch with the doctor.
It is so hard! I am wondering if I did the right thing. But having her with me was really putting my own life in danger.

Some more news: they will test mom for COVID on the 2nd November and is she is ok she will be admitted at the facility on the 4th.
we agreed to sign a contract for 3 months and we will then see how things go.
I said to my mom it is hard for me but we have to try and see how it works. She will have rehab and activities and won’t lay in bed the whole day. She may get better and home we well know she won’t from both the medical and social points of view.
I will go and visit her as often as allowed.
I myself told the therapist only death is irreversible. I this doesn’t work for both of us we will look for another solution. But we have to try first

Dear Garden, I know she will receive better care in the facility but still I wonder if I can’t really find a way to go on taking care of her at home. I know I can’t as I not a doctor nor a nurse. I daydream she will be able to move more and I will be able to take her our for lunch or here for Christmas.
it is one of those situations where your heart just won’t be reasonable.

Anche, unfortunately, I think the sensation of "abandonment" can apply to many of us as we make hard decisions for out of home placement.

It's not abandonment though; it's a different form and level of caring, intended to provide the best support available for our loved ones.

I felt the same way when we first had to use rehabs for my mother, then my sister and then my father.   But when I saw how compassionate some therapists and nurses can be, and how effectively the therapists plan a route to physical strength and restoration, I knew that there was no way I could do this on  my own.   In fact, I would feel guilty that I was cheating my family out of the best solution.

It takes some time to reach that rationalization though.

In fact, when my back was injured earlier this year and I was crawling around on the floor, I began to wonder if I could get an ortho physician to recommend rehab for me - I wouldn't have to cook or clean and could get a lot of rest!

Dear Barb,
thank you so much for your words. I didn’t expect it would be this quick… I wonder why I feel like I am abandoning her since I know I am no longer able to provide the cares she needs. She is a great mum, stubborn and sometimes hard but I love her dearly and have spent nearly all my life with her

Anche, that's great news!

I don't think that this is a matter of being "stronger". If your mom has been evaluated as being in need of nursing home care, it means SHE'S not strong enough to look after herself. you have to work to support your family.

Mom needs 24/7 care and you don't have 24/7 available. It math, not strength.

((((Hugs)))))).

Things are moving Quickly here. My mom is the first one in the waiting list for the facility I have chosen as first choice. I have some documents to prepare but she probably will be accepted at the beginning pf November.
I know this is the best choice for both of us
but it is so hard . I wish I was stringer and able to take care of her at home

My mum has been evaluated for a facility, I now have to wait for their report to know where we are in the waiting list.
My mum gave some funny answer : when she was asked her date of birth and adress she got them right. When she was asked how old she is, she said very, very old. The nurse insisted for the precise answer and she said 39 instead of 89! The nurse, a very kind young man, just said : well, actually, a little bit older than that...
Then she was asked which day, month and year we were, she got the month but said we are in 2029 !
She was asked some other questions, some maths like 20-3, then 17-3 etc. She only got the 20-3 and then asked me to answer in her behalf...

Some news; the social work will come tomorrow and the nurse on Wednesday. It was supposed to be on Tuesday but I forgot I had myself an appointment with the optometrist (which I have been postponing for more than a year).
I spent the whole morning on the phone to sort this out. Including 2 more home visits for my mum. When I was on the phone with the hospital she wanted to go to the toilet. Sigh... I am all alone this week.
Then in the afternoon my uncle called. He too needed help with fixing appointments.... And I am the clever niece.
Well, I wish I was dumb... Or at least able to pretend I am, or like a colleague just being unpleasant to be left alone!

Barb, I have to tell her something... A nurse and the social worker will come here to visit her. The social worker told me that she must say why she comes... We agreed that I will tell my mum it is for respite care. The social worker told me that of course even if my mom says she wants to stay at home she must consider that this is taking a toll on myself and my family. But still she has to ask my mom... I hope my mom will understand that it is to help me and that I will go to visit her everyday day if possible.

Anche, welcome back!

I'm not sure that I would mention the future plans for a facility for mom before it's just about to become a reality. She may start to obsess, become anxious and carry on.

Wait until it's about to become a reality and then have the conversation with her.

Give it some consideration

I have been away from the forum for a while.
I met yesterday our social worker, my mum will be put in a waiting list for 3 facilities but she must be evaluated first.
It is a difficult decision but I can't go on like this for too long... I am putting my own health in danger... I am so afraid of having an accident falling asleep while driving and I don't want my son to be an orphan...
I will have to tell her... That will be difficult. I do not know when she will actually be taken in a facility.