I hate weekend and holidays. BBQ's, the beach, picnics, boating...that's what all my friends did this holiday weekend. Where was I? Where I have for most every moment for the last almost 3 years. In my room playing online games. Usually I handle it better but last night my best girlfriends and Husbands and Boyfriends texted me from a restaurant on the beach. Sent me a picture and said I was missed. I have not stopped crying for the day. I sometimes have such anger and resentment about where I find myself. I feel that life is just passing me by. Although my Mother has so many medical issues that it is hard to name them all there is no one of them that is critical...just chronic. How long can I go on like this? When the end finally does arrive will I be just too old to go out and find all that I have lost over the years? No one seems to care about my life or my future. I do have a sibling, he is just married and expecting a baby but he is not local so I find myself in this alone. I cannot work so all my saving a being drained. Recently I began an online degree program so that eventually I will be able to work from home to provide for myself and yet still take care of my Mothers uncountable needs. she is not such a nice person and just expects that this is what daughters do? I pay rent here..alot of rent. I pay to do this job at the risk of all of my hard work for my own retirement. I hide it. No reason argiung with her or reasoning with her but I don't want her to see what her reactions and actions cause in me. I think it empowers her actually and I will be damned! So I fester and become more and more withdrawn and scared. I must say again that it awesome to find a forum where I can speak my mind. Does lessen the load and makes me see that there are others here in much worse conditions but during those long lonely nights and weekeds and holidays I feel defeated.
It's good that you're doing online courses. I've thought of that all the time. Except at age 47, I still don't know what I want to be when I grow old. So, I wouldn't know what subject to take online.
Your comment about no one seems to care about your life or your future sure hit me. Father is only interested that I'm here to take care of him. My siblings don't care that I am no longer able to have children, therefore no grands. They all think that this is the life I chose since I was age 23 - to be a caregiver for mom and now for father. Depressing thought.
Do you ever need help!
Would one of your friends be willing to granny-sit so you could go out to dinner with the others? You would be asking for three hours, maybe once a year, from several friends. Some of your friends probably would never be willing, but maybe two or three might agree. For such a short period, you could leave her all set up, so the friend would just chat, get a snack for her, or watch TV until you get back.
Is your mother's income too small to pay the mortgage? Does she have any assets other than the house? You are already impoverishing yourself by not being able to work. Can you ask your brothers for financial support? these days no one has enough money, but could they each give you $300 a month toward her care? How about $100? That amount might make no real difference in your situation, but, in your shoes, I would feel better to be getting recognition from them of my efforts and sacrifice.
Have you looked into support services your mother may be eligible for? Was your father a veteran? Have you talked to your area council on aging? It's a pain that to get help, you first have to do more work, but it might turn out to be a real lifesaver. You might get help to put her into an ALF for a week's vacation, or maybe someone to come in for 3 or 4 hours so you can go get a break with friends. God bless you, and lift your spirits.
I'm no saint. I don't want to feel trapped, and I don't want to start hating my husband, when I will have to oversee his care for the rest of his life. So I have to make my life un-trapped.
So I have decided that I need to have SOME fun now. He and I will take a real trip this year, maybe to Ireland. We take a lot of little trips in our region to do a little genealogy. If - WHEN - the time comes that he can't tolerate travel, I will somehow arrange at least one real break a year for myself. I will continue to have dinner with my "old lady" friends monthly. I have more money than some, but not an unlimited supply. I will "spend down" some of our resources to make life bearable now, at the risk of being impoverished a little early. Because I am alive now. I may not be alive in 10 years. If I die before or soon after my husband, I will go knowing that I gave myself permission to enjoy the day while I was alive.
Don't get me wrong! I still hold onto a nickel until the buffalo screams! But a bunch of flowers or a nice restaurant or a granny-sitter for a weekend seem like real good ways to avoid regret for life passing me by.
I'm also an online solitaire addict, which I am a little ashamed of. I have started doing little bits of volunteer work, to have something for myself. I have started to cultivate certain interests to put more life into my life. Would you enjoy tutoring or assisting in an elementary school classroom, or running an errand for someone who will be appreciative?
Would you like to learn a language, or become a gourmet cook, or paint or draw, or garden? What about writing a romance novel or mystery? Or comedy or Scifi or porno? It doesn't have to be any good. You just have to enjoy doing it. You may not be able to climb Mount Everest, but you could start doing Yoga or swimming or taking a daily walk. I do genealogy online, read books about New England history, identify wildflowers, and prowl the local thrift shops for "finds". Those are all things I can enjoy a lot at home or locally.
You deserve to have a good life. You need to find ways to have some good life even now. It will be worth it. Good luck!
t
I'm still a loner, by choice .. and my sanity is kept in tact online. I used to spend 90% of my time online, chatting, blogging, writing in forums. Almost to the addiction level. That's changed to something more like 10% of my time. Now it's a healthy outlet for me, rather than an obsession. My absolute favorite is a virtual world called SecondLife. In all the activities I engage, I'm 100% me and authentic, and I think that helps me a LOT. I don't 'pull punches', I'm honest nearly to a fault and whenever I can (and someone else wants it), I do what I can to help another. I think of it as a good life and rather karmic.
My focus is on paying it forward. I've had lots of help in my life and my goal is to pay it forward, magnified. I had about 5 years of feeling (not entirely unjustified) completely alone, overwhelmed and helpless, because despite all my best efforts I was nearly homeless, and yet there were people who DID help: with land to squat on, a small part time job to buy food, food shelters, etc.
At the end of those five years, I landed here: fulltime caregiver to a good friend. It's where I live .. and breathe. For me, this is a chosen lifestyle (as opposed to a job). It's my calling. It's what I love: I'm good at it and I've got some space to breathe. And .. there are times when I don't think I can do it one more minute, while I watch this lovely woman decline.
I guess my point is: we all have our stories to share. If I were to give any advice, at all (aside from helpful tips, etc.), it would be: LIVE. BREATHE. Do what's right for you, first. Be creative and make good memories, if you can. And, no matter how it *feels* you're really not alone. There are lots of resources, including this site. The effort to find them will pay off, in the long run.
Blessings ..