As her primary caregiver, I take her to all appts, make appts, phone calls, etc..haven't seen her physically since Monday (getting over Shingles)..today she accused me of trying to commit her and accused me of going into her room when she's not there and rummage through her drawers..'what do you want from me',you already have everything of mine, already" This is what I was met with today...I was so flabbergasted, I tried to explain I don't go there when she's not there and I don't take her things... I had to leave ...I don't know what to do...I ws thinking of contacting the doctor to let him know what's happening..I've notified him before of her accusations and nasty behavior but all he did was up her medication...no diagnosis as to what could possible be wrong...My brother did visit yesterday after 6 months..they talk on the phone maybe every 2-3 weeks and that's it...me, I'm there constantly, if needed and she calls me (or did) when there's problems Is this dementia? she's 98 1/2...she's made changes to her trust when I feel she shouldn't have because of her mental state...but the lawyer apparently made the changes anyway...
I used to get so upset when my 87 y/o mother, who lives at home and still drives, would accuse me of trying to "put her in a home nursing home" every time I tried to arrange for her to have a geriatric evaluation.
I tried to explain to her that a geriatric evaluation is used to help identify any hidden problems that would undermine her ability to remain independent, and would help offer up solutions to these problems.
I've tried to modify the house to make things easier for her, e.g., installing bathroom grab bars, florescent tape stripes on the stair, extra lighting, etc. but each change I've tried to make end up in an epic battle that I'm trying to control her.
To save my own sanity, I've decided to stop my proactive approach, and just shift into damage control mode.
I live 2-1/2 hours away from her, I used to visit her quite often, to look in on her, take her out to dinner, do some yard work, clean out the gutters, etc. But now, I check in by phone a couple of times a week and only visit when she needs to be taken to her cardiologist, or when something specific needs to be done with the house/yard.
Take care of yourself first, it's the only way you will be of any use to anyone else.
I'm really limiting my visits,
when you give it up freely it is OK when it is snatched away from you the reaction is to take it back or if the child took too much do you see the analogy. Very simple but my Mother is doing the exact same thing
The man at the bank called me to advise he needs to see Mom..(all have my contact information for Mom)..I then called Mom to advise her the man at the bank needs to see you..She asked me for the key I had made for her safe..I told her I did NOT make a key for the safe..we had previouse removed everything from the safe to put the stuff in the safe deposit box...She called me a cheat and that I've been cheating her since day 1..with that I hung up...I did contact my brother to advise I needed space to deal with my medical problems and the stress is not helping..Since this has begun, I've written her Dr 2 letters advising him of her agressive behavior and accusations. He only increased one of her meds..but now it's worse..She's made changes to her trust already and I'm probably completely out of it now which sucks because I've devoted the last 10 years to her instead of my husband and family...She's always come first..we've taken her on vacations ...she's always included in family gatherings and I would be there 5-6 days a week..cleaning her closets, paying her bills, taking her shopping, etc..It doesn't seem fair that I should be the one on the outs when my brother sees her every 4-6 months and calls every 2-3 weeks...I do have sister who hasn't seen my mother in 10 years and calls maybe every 5-6 months...no one has been there for her except me - while I do miss her...we were very close...talking for hours on the phone at night even after spending the day together..I feel more sick about our broken relationship than my current medical problem...My brother has to take over whether he likes it or not.he's probably laughing under his breath thinking he's now in control ...I don't know if I have any recourse since her attorney has agreed to make changes not knowing her mental state... ...
UNfortunately, it is entirely possible for lawyers who wish to profit from giving services to elders who cannot exactly be rational, to help a demented or Alzheimer'd elder change their estates, wills, etc. at their whims
--some help lead them into arrangements that benefit the lawyers or other relatives who stand to benefit, which the elder, when in their right minds, would Never have done.
Have seen this too many times.
There seems no good way to guard the estate set-up the elder made when in their right minds, against them changing it when they have begun to progress into dementia.
A Doctor or Psychiatrist needs to evaluate the person, to assess mental capacity. The person must be declared incapable of determining their affairs, in order for a POA to fully control the estate.
ALSO, once the elder has begun accusing a caregiver, they will make sure to loudly and at length, tell others, most easily by phone, while they still can. This greatly upsets those who live farther away, who have less personal contact with the elder.
This also can cause those others to react to those accusations, as if they really were true....so be prepared for that!
Non-involved relatives can become extremely inflamed
--they always knew this person to be very honest, right?
Even when others know an elder has a long history of being abusive, or of being very poor at running /ordering their affairs,
the others will believe the dramatized, emotionally delivered accounts of things the elder believes are happening.
Believing the elder sincere, the others will, truly meaning well in their efforts, do what they can to "protect" their elder from the "rotten no good, thieving, abusive caregiver".
They will often take steps to get the elder out and away from you.
IF you are suffering health issues of your own, this can be a blessing in disguise.
Moving the elder can also backfire, by causing the elder to become more drastically demented: elders tend to get worse when things change; some even go downhill rapidly, just by moving them from one room to another, that they are not familiar with.
I sure hope things work out well for you!
It is a tough situation.
The best thing is to detach your emotions from the circumstances.
It is difficult, because this is someone you have loved all your life, so what they say, carries much emotional weight for you.
But to keep your well-being and health, it is necessary to block those emotional triggers.
It can be helpful to get some counseling to assist that.