notrydoyoda Posted January 2012
The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?
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Many of us, myself included, come from a dysfunctional family which adds a lot of weight to the challenges of caregiving. I have read stores on various threads on other topics and decided it would be good to have a thread just for this topic for people to share, vent and discuss.
The idea for this thread originated on the thread named "The Caregiver....How are YOU doing today?"
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A friend of mine told me once. I really didn't change, there isn't a new me. The new me was the person I was ment to be , the new me is the true me. The old me is what everyone's
bulling , controlling and manipulating turned me into
I believe that's probably true
I hope it’s true!
And in the context of caregiving, I hope it’s true about those elderly LOs who, were kindly taken care of by (usually the daughter), and then viciously abused the daughter who took care of them. It happened to so many of us caregivers here on aging.com.
I suffered bullying all through my school years and as an adult also realized that my own family were bullying me. It wasn't till after caregiving for my mom and the self esteem it brought me that I realized I deserve better. Funny, (NOT), my family doesn't seem to care for the new me. Ah well, boo hoo for them.
Speaking of which. I'm seeing them this weekend. Not looking forward to it. Even though I now know I deserve better I still get really nervous at the thought of being around them. At Christmas I sensed a new kind of hostility from them. Probably the not liking the new me. Again, ah well..................
I love this too.
However, I found that the goodbyes had to remain unsaid, at least out loud to the relevant party. Otherwise they just brought arguments, and more accusations of me being in the wrong and "not quite right" minded.
If you truly want peace, you avoid these confrontations.
I simply distanced myself, slowly or quickly as the situation demanded. Explanations aren't necessary. Responding to "Why" or "Can we bury the hatchet?" is not useful, and, in fact, only prolongs the dysfunction.
Not that there aren't situations with some people where going into the "Goodbye" might be beneficial, but not with the really toxic. We each can judge that difference for ourselves.
My two cents...
Doggie - I'm glad you are waking up to the manipulation and taking steps to protect yourself.
I love that "When you choose peace it comes with a lot of goodbyes".
It's beautiful.
I realize now how much the "love bomb" technique is being employed right now because if he gets what he wants I become "sweetie" or "honey". I had a major meltdown yesterday and tired calling him, just to talk, and he basically told me "don't call me unless you're happy". He stonewalls me unless he wants something. His latest thing is his pillow. I did give him a pillow (off our bed) but it was the "wrong" pillow which wasn't soft enough for his back. It is weird what becomes the straw the breaks the camel's back, but until he went into ICU in Feb I really didn't stop to examine how fragile and broken my mental state is/was. I think a lot of it is my body and brain healing from nearly 15 years of being married and at least ten of them stressed out.
Mark has so many doctors it is unbelievable. He has a PCP (that was over an hour away), an oncologist, a renal doctor, a wound care doctor (not now that the leg is amuptated), and a doctor for gut health. On a typical day to get him to a doctor I would have to help get him from the bed by helping him sit up, helping him slide to the side of the bed. I would help him get on his pants and socks. He would stand for a minute and I would help him get in the chair. To get in the car I would have to help him stand and lift his leg (this was before amputation) and help push him into the car. I would then have to readjust his leg. I then loaded the wheelchair into the back of the car. When we got to the doctor's appointment, I would have to lift his leg back out and help him balance back into the chair. I would repeat what I did to get him into the car. I was having to wrap his leg about two times a day. He could not get in and out of the shower so I was sponge bathing him.
It was a production if he needed to use the bedside toilet because I'd have to help him take off his pants and undies and steady him until he got on the toilet and transfer. I would need to be sure he wiped himself and then help him pull all the clothes back on and get back on the wheelchair. Then, the worse part, emptying the nasty thing. Mark then needed to wheel himself to the sink to wash his hands. Yep, see how complicated it is?
Mark says I am neglecting my vows when I told him is it not safe to leave a bedbound man alone (I would have to work). It would not be feasible to even move him as delicate as his condition is. Mark is angry I am doing a real divorce. I had a mental crisis and tried to talk to Mark and he said he doesn’t want to talk to me unless I am happy.
Been working hard on improving myself and I'm going to keep it up. 😍
Good for you! I'm pleased that you have found the way to set yourself free from abusive neediness, manipulation games, and guilt-trips. That is great. Congratulations on graduating from The BurntCaregiver School of Coping. You did good. I stopped doing the doctors' appointments for my mother a while back. I had been responsible for every doctors appointment since I moved back here. I wasn't able to work good hours anymore because I had to be available for two and three (sometimes more) doctors' appointents a week usually. Until I made myself unavailable for any. my mother enjoys socializing with her doctors and their staff. Someone else takes her to those outings now.
Also, congrats on giving your abusive old man the heave-ho ten years ago. No doubt that worked wonders for you in recovering your own self-worth.
People like us have spent years, decades even, on board the guilt train that our abusive parents put us on. I'm always thrilled to hear when one of those guilt trains derails. Good for you.
That's wonderful house flower!
Doggiemom, when you have been abused it makes you a target for other abusers. They can sence you are an easy pray, so be strong!!
Well said, Margaret. Sometimes we don't realize how bad it was till we are away from it
nacy - so glad you got out of that abusive marriage and have maintained boundaries and let go of the guilt!!!
Now I know my worth! I know how much I've done. I know that I have brought mom to 99.9 percent of her appointment, for 4 years and no one , not mom or anyone in the family or friends or neighbors are going to ever make me feel bad for that ONE appointment I didn't bring her too, again!!!
I'm still doing what I use to, but if I say no sorry, one of the boys is going to have to take you to miracle ear, because if I go I may want to punch the miracle ear sales lady. I don't feel bad if they have to take a day off work. I honestly don't care. And if mom wants to remind me every day that she has this appointment with her guilt trip, go ahead, they don't effect me anymore.
Because I know my WORTH!
Thank you y'all
I’m not suggesting that you don’t have your own genuine problems, including Aspergers, but perhaps any genuine problems are being made to seem worse (and are being made worse) by the comments you are getting from these guys. Narcissism, blaming and emotional abuse may not be the only things happening here. Think about it, and whether you need to be protecting yourself a bit more.
Been ten years since I left my mentally abusive husband, feel much better but it comes back now and then. Specially with taking care of my mom, sence my mom took my xs side. I honestly should not of been doing caregiving giving for her. If I was on this forum before I started I'm sure I wouldnt be. Because all those feelings and resentment come back.
I think burn out was happening to me a lot quicker than some. Anyways been getting my head together, do very well in that department, and put up a lot of boundaries with mom, but still helping,
I will say probably the last 5 years have gone really well as for not letting my past control me. I rarly think about it.
There are times, it's actually strange things that trigger me, and only because I was so burnt out with mom. But one day I was having coffee with hubby and I told him I was going to go change And I had a memory of my x telling me, while I'm changing my clothes change into a nicer person.
That memory really took me by surprise.
Anyways just telling you a little of what to expect on your road of healing
It was a real jolt for me to realize yesterday how similar Mark and Robert talk and act. Then again, most of the men in Mark's family do. Robert has very little respect for women and says their place is at home. I am beginning to suspect some degree of narcissism exists. I feel like an idiot for not realizing my husband of 14 years, Mark had narcissim, but now reading about it, how could I not have? He loves to stonewall and refuses to contact me unless he wants something. Looking back now, I see Mark used a lot of emotional abuse such as "no one else would put up with you." "I can divorce you." "After all I've done for you, you would treat me like cr*p?" Robert does the same thing holding things over my head on how much he's helped me, how much no one else cares, and what a good caring guy he is compared to everyone else. I am grateful for his help, but I just think it's wrong to keep demanding $$ at every turn for everything. If I ask to go the grocery store (two streets away) he demands $30 bucks. Mark is at the point where he is paying Robert money to bring him things to his rehab center.
Keep venting! It sounds like you need to!
Robert is now gouging Mark for his S.S.D. money taking it because he says Mark can live with him but the room needs to be redone. You see, I still have a month left in my lease (already have a place rented in NM) and Mark will no longer help me with the bills and is giving that money to Robert. My late stepdaughter's boyfriend accuses me of stealing things from them at every turn. Yesterday, he accused me of pouring out a jug of tea they had in the garage and stealing tools from Robert. I do not drink tea, and I don't steal things. Robert wanted to sell one of the I-Pads until I told him that it was for my work (it is) and I have to return it.
No family is perfect. Mine certainly isn't. Sandy, my late sister was addicted to meth and it killed her. My brother has severe OCD and my mother anxiety as well. My aunt has chronic depression. I have no intention of not paying my brother and SIL back for all the help they have given me and my aunt if she will let me. Robert goes on and on about "well, I am here to help family" yet the second the $$ is not rolling in digs into me about it. I tried to get the dealership to come get the truck, but since my name is not on the lease and I don't have POA, they refuse to do anything. The woman at the dealership was nasty and said they'd have to have a letter stating Mark had been in the hospital and was unable to drive even after telling her about the amputation.
Anyway, it's a mess. Mark does have some family here, but they will not help with any caregiving and I am not going to try to convince them otherwise. Thank you for the rant.
"I was a patient there from February 14, 2022-September 11, 2023. I saw intern psychiatrists under supervision who started me on various antipsychotics because of a perceived hypomanic experience. I don’t agree with that, nor does my wife. However, that is beside the point.
My concern is that one anti-psychotic after another was tried to treat a supposed depression problem. They included Latuda, Abilify and Vraylar. All they did was make me even sleepier.
On October 4, 2023, I returned to my former psychiatrist, where I used to live in Goldsboro, NC. After meeting a few times with her, she determined that I was not depressed but that I likely had Narcolepsy. She was quite blunt, saying, "You aren't depressed, you are pissed off, and you need a narcolepsy test."
The Narcolepsy test shows that I do have Narcolepsy 1 with cataplexy. No wonder those anti-psychotic meds that I was given made my Narcolepsy worse. Narcolepsy is all too often misdiagnosed as depression.
I raise this issue from my experience to request that you become aware of this possibility when treating others. The anti-psychotics gave me various side effects, one of which remains, that is, teeth grinding.
My experience there and my life while there were not worth living. I hope that I never have to experience anything like this again. My hopes of completing my PhD are in ashes. Those supervising these young psychiatrists must be more aware of things instead of being so laid-back. Thank you for listening. "
I realize this is written with a powerful, angry tone, and yet polite.
I am now on a search to discover what negative impact taking those antipsychotics had on my brain. My school has given me this year off. My supervisors want me to return because they are excited about my approved dissertation proposal. Yet, I'm not back to where I was. Reading my proposal does not inspire me. At this point, I'm tired of fighting and the drama. My PhD work was my retirement project, but it does not look that way now.
Looking back to the fall of 2002, I wonder if my diagnosis of depression was right and that I was showing symptoms of narcolepsy even then. If that is the case, then my diagnosis in 2002 with bipolar may have been wrong also. It also can be a misdiagnosis in the place of narcolepsy. I do remember from back then how much trouble that I had with staying awake at times.
My Ancestry dot com DNA analysis says that my DNA suggests you take naps..
BASED ON YOUR GENETICS, YOU'RE MORE LIKELY TO BE A NAPPER THAN 60% OF THE POPULATION.
My DNA does have something to do with me having narcolepsy.
The DNA results show that this napping comes from my mother. She took many naps a day.
Someone from the Narcolepsy support group commented.
Yes. To develop narcolepsy the usual way, you have to have a genetic predisposition. The gene is HLA-DQB1.
My wife and I have rested a lot today after receiving our RSV and COVID-19 vaccines.
Yes, I do have a lot going on. This new insight about my SIL is a bit unnerving. I consider self-care as self-care, not self-care, to be able to be the caregiver for someone else who, particularly as my SIL has said, has always been the one to get others to take responsibility for her.
You have a lot going on. I wish you and your wife all the best.
Thanks,
The latest medical update on my wife and her back problems is that at her appointment on Thursday, she learned that her next step is to send her to a pain management place where they will choose if a shot or a blockage is the best way to proceed.
A retired friend of mine and I discussed my SIL's puzzling comments. Here is what I gained from the conversation.
My primary value to my wife's identical twin sister is that she needs me in this caretaker role to make my wife's life easier. Knowing that she does not have to take care of my wife directly gives her a sense of relief. She has a sense of responsibility for my wife but does not want to be her caretaker. This does not mean that she doesn't really care about me, but as the child of a narcissist, she mainly values people for what they do for her. I don't think she is even aware of this.
At the same time, my SIL says I must have a life, too, and take care of myself to care for her. She contradicts her concern when she says she doesn't see any path to caring for myself and having a life. I don't either, but this will be discussed with my therapist.
BTW, my SIL is an ovarian cancer survivor since 2021 and has several complications which add challenges to her life.
It's not good to bottle it up. I lay awake at night sometimes ruminating about things. I get so wound up that I get panic attacks.
So PM no longer works? I sent you what I posted here as a PM first.
I am sorry to hear about the recent and upcoming surgeries. My wife had her knee replaced last spring and is doing much better. Thanks for praying. I will pray for you also.
It has taken me a while to see this, but my primary value to my sister-in-law is that she needs me in this caretaker to make her sister's life easier role. Knowing that she does not have to take care of my wife gives her a sense of relief.
At the same time, she says things like you need to have a life too, you need to take care of yourself, so then you can care for her. She contradicts her concern that I don't see any path to caring for yourself and having a life.
As my friends and sons have noted down through the years, I've made her life easier and to what end. To the end of destroying my health, which put me out of working 20 years before being old enough to retire. I've told my SIL, that I want this truth told whenever I die.
Some of the family farmland was sold, which provided me with a nice chunk plus what I've saved for the last 18 months to invest. I have no plans to die soon. I'm setting up this investment to provide more income in ten years because we might need it, or the dividend retirement financing approach may have a bubble experience as real estate did. I own a third of that family farm, which means I get 1/3 of the annual profit from renting it out to be farmed and 1/3 of whatever all three parties agree to sell and how much to sell it for. So, here at almost 67, with my son who majored in economics plus does very well with his own money and has been right in his past ideas for us advising, I'm gearing up my retirement money for the long haul.
I'm likely a rare bird who, like my dad, has retired with dividends and annuities creating my retirement income, which is higher than I ever made. Even so, I am thankful, but I want to be wise in being a good steward of all of this.
I never made as much money as my dad did, but I do know how he planned for his retirement and how early he began with his plans, although my mom thought he was crazy.
It's an interesting fact check here. Who is crazy?
Is it the person who came from old money with a master's degree who divorced, remarried and played for the rest of her life but was as poor as a pauper with poor family relationships at the end?
Or is it the person who did not come from money, whose dad was the only one of his drunk brothers to graduate from high school, plus was the school's valedictorian along with being picked by Ohio Electricity directly to help spread the use of electricity in Ohio after graduating from high school in the southern Ohio Appalachian former coal mining town of New Straitsville, whom only earned a BS, but when he retired was chief engineer of research and development, not to mention his invention solved Mack Truck's most significant warranty bill on their engines plus ended up doing negotiations all over the world in behalf of Mack Truck who had not only a lot but also better family relationships?
I will continue this in another post. I just need to get this off my chest.