notrydoyoda Posted January 2012
The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?
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Many of us, myself included, come from a dysfunctional family which adds a lot of weight to the challenges of caregiving. I have read stores on various threads on other topics and decided it would be good to have a thread just for this topic for people to share, vent and discuss.
The idea for this thread originated on the thread named "The Caregiver....How are YOU doing today?"
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ali - hugs to you too. I like your phrase "the stew of dysfunction". Very accurate description. Many of us are "fixers" so it is hard to see, but often you just have to back off, and let them do their thing. It's their lives and their choices. Hope you ahd some relax time anyway.
I added a picture of myself to my profile just for fun. I was trying to fix the glare in my glasses and ended up somehow making really cool glow-in-the-dark glasses. lol It was an editing mistake, but I thought it was funny, so I left it.
The selfie was taken during my drive to my home city. I hope the holiday goes well and there are no serious clashes or arguments with family. I'll do my best to do my part and be calm and supportive even when my buttons get pushed.
Merry Christmas to those who celebrate. 🎄
The Senior Center sounds like a great idea. Maybe they have chair yoga!
Have wonderful holidays. (((Hugs)))
I pray God is done with taking loved ones from my family. Four in two years is a lot of grieving. My sister’s one year anniversary is the 28th of this month.
we are supposed to to have some rain storms coming in today, but no snow for Christmas this year. I arranged with teen neighbor to shovel the snow after school for me on the heavier snow days. Most of the snow here melts away by early afternoon.
enjoy the season and avoid the eggnog
Sharyn
Hi Miami - welcome - I'm glad your mom is settled in memory care. It can be quite a job getting a parent into a facility. Sorry you and your bro don't get along but you have found a good solution. Hope your holidays are good too. Take care.
sharyn - early days yet. I am sure Buster is a good comfort. I think you are right that there will always be unanswered questions. In time they will bother you less. So glad you are able to look forward to joining the seniors center for some exercise. That's great!
You are doing well getting your legal ducks in a row. I hope you succeed in transferring the photos. I know it's complicated. Sounds like the plan for Christmas is good. You will all be able to support one another. 47 years is a long time. As you say, there will be a lot of new normals to adjust to. Wishing you and your family all the best for Christmas and the year to come. (((((hugs))))
I have found great solace after my mom's death and with my dh's health issues in working out at my local Y.
If it's in the budget, engaging a skilled personal trainer for even a few sessions can give you a good sense of direction.
(((Hugs)))
crying is my way of dealing and accepting. Buster is my buddy now. When I cry around him, he comes to me, gives me few licks. Dogs are very sensitive animals, a great support.
I will never get all my questions answered. I believe he ended up in the field due to the anaphylactic shock and cardiac event. I also highly suspect he passed earlier than what the coroner told me. Simply because I know my husband would not have been out there driving after dark. He would have had to be experiencing a real mental break. That is a possibility but probably not the case.
The whole thing is starting to be accepted by me. I know that because I’ve lost my appetite to a degree. My stomach also does this with an emotional event. However, I’m thinking of joining the senior center after the first of the year. They have stretching classes twice a week I’m interested in. Who knows maybe I’ll become one of those ladies with 10 bingo cards in front of me and good luck charms around me. 🤣😂
Have a nice Christmas meal everyone.
My daughter will have Christmas dinner at her home and each will be making food and sharing. Our grandsons are adjusting well as our adult children are too.
a lot of new normals that will take me longer to adjust to because of 47 years together.
I hope everyone has a quiet, peaceful Christmas.
Does your dad have dementia?
Back when my MIL was still alive, my husband bought her a new computer and set it up for her.
Within a week, she had put it in the trash room in her coop building saying "it's trash, it doesn't work".
Ummmm.
Consider reading the book Boundaries by Townsend and Cloud. Consider going to therapy to learn how to set healthy limits on how much you do for dad and when.
Does anyone have POA? If no one does, now is the time to get that set up, before he gets diagnosed.
I've only been his tech support for a few months after he randomly decided to move to the state I'm in and I'm already losing it. I literally had to make the man an online account for social security. He's been on SS for ALMOST A DECADE.
My sibling's response? "I literally can't deal with him. He's YOUR problem."
Sibling doesn't help with mom either so I guess they are both 'my problem.'
Please someone end me. Quickly and painlessly preferably 😂 (I'm 100% joking BTW)
I'm glad you are finding comfort in crying and in Buster. (((Hugs))) to you and your family.
sharyn - thinking of you. I am glad the decision about the autopsy was taken out of your hands. There was an autopsy done on Gordie and going through the report is one of my more unpleasant memories of that time. It really didn't give us any information we didn't have before, though that may not be the case for you.
I think he had dementia too which would account for what happened. Crying is good. Your daughter is handling it her way. I know the boys are upset. It's a first for them. Sorry about your son losing his job then having his dad pass so quickly after. That's not easy. We all hope he didn't suffer. Glad that Y bro and sil are involved in planning and that there is flexibility as to when the funeral is.
Sharyn I am a pretty extreme introvert so I understand, and that crying helps you . Hopefully you and Buster will support one another. Pets can be real friends.
It was a blessing that your son in law was the one to tell you. I'm so glad your dd is there for you.
My heart goes out to you. A sudden death is traumatic. Please let us know how you are. ((((((hugs)))))
I think the autopsy might give you some additional closure, so I'm glad that was done.
I'm glad that your family were the ones who told you.
What was hubs doing in a flooded, foggy field...? I wonder if you'll ever know for sure. Covid, or any illness, is one of the many factors that influence our thinking. Dementia could be a possibility, which further complicates providing any single reason for why this happened. Allergy leading to heart attack...
You may never know. For your sake, I hope you glean something from the autopsy. You can organize a memorial ceremony for any time you and family agree on so the ones who want to be present can be.
For now, please take your time and cry with Buster. I'm a crier sometimes, too, and I always feel some settling of emotions afterward. Grief and sorrow are peculiar emotions, and they are expressed in so many ways.
Sending so much love to you and your family in the days ahead. Whatever happens now, I hope you know and feel that DH is at peace. Whatever you do now, please do it for yourself, your family, and the honoring and legacy you feel is important. 💙💙💙
my daughter handles thing differently than me. Although she is grieving, she is not much of a cryer like me. The boys were upset and still are as children they ask more questions to help themselves understand death. My son is holding up, it’s a mixed bagel because he lost his job a couple weeks ago and has that on his mind on supporting his family. Y brother and sister in law are struggling because they hope he did not suffer like ido. I am having them help with when to have the service because I want them to be here as do too. The issue is they want to drive out but in Jordan Valley, Oregon,there can be a lot of black ice. We can delay the service until spring and I’m willing to do that, but I need them to say let’s wait until march or April. They are part of our family so it’s important to me they be here for it.
today is my first day alone. I need it because I’m an introvert. I’m spending the day crying( I need todo that). I’m more concerned about my husbands dog Buster. Buster knows and is grieving too. I’m giving him lots of extra love. If it becomes necessary, I will get an anti anxiety med for him. I’m hoping it won’t.
thank you Golden and everyone. It’s a process and I’m strong even though I’m a cryer. Sending love and hugs to you all
yes, my daughter has been a huge blessing. I was at the bank on Monday to check activity on our joint account. I did not know my hubs had been found. The coroner came to my house to tell me but I wasn’t home. My son in law works in dispatch for Idaho state police. The coroner called him to let him know and he is the one who told me. My daughter and son in law came over Monday and when I saw my sil with my daughter red flags went up. He told me my hubs had been found. I looked at him, I said, he is gone isn’t he. He said yes. When they let, my sil said I’m so sorry I had to tell you this. I gave him a hug and said, I’d rather it came from you because you are family and I love you.
My dad didn't have covid, but was in the hospital, at the peak of lock down. We couldn't get near the hospital to get any answers.
If I think about it I'll always wonder exactly what happened from the time I dropped him at the ER to the heart attack during the night. Some things we just may never know, we just need to accept it.
As for my dad , it was most likely a blessing in disguise for my mom, because I was seeing possible lewy body , he was very parrinod and getting dangerous, and I know mom was hiding much from me, as for his anger.
sharyn - I wondered if he was developing dementia. It seems likely. I understand the stress of having unanswered questions. Driving into the field was strange. We cannot understand the broken brain and the whys and wherefores of what people with one do. There often are unanswerable questions after a sudden death, which makes processing grief more difficult.
You know for sure he had a cardiac arrest and an allergic reaction. Personally I would leave it at that and move on with all that has to be done now. I think as you go through this you will find your answers about dementia, at least enough for your peace of mind.
How are your daughter and son and the grandkids doing? I know you are very practical and will manage that well and your daughter will help you.. Be sure to take breaks, rest, drink enough water and generally look after yourself. Keep us updated. (((((((hugs)))))
Is there a possibility he had a UTI, my uncle recently ended up in Canada recently, was suppose to go south, ended up north, then was going the wrong way on the north way, on the way home and got in an accident. All because of a UTI.
I'm so sorry about all of this!! Please keep us posted on how your doing.
May I ask opinions here regarding getting an autopsy done. There were red flags before he got Covid and I’m wondering if he had dementia. He was found out in the country in a field that had been worked for construction. The field had been flooded. My mind cannot understand why he would have gone out there in dense fog at night. I can’t understand why he was out there. Should I just accept he had cardiac arrest ?
Apparently, she appears to be content with never going past the drive way ever again. A few days back, she utter the phrase "when I was up and around..." She also said a couple of times "when I was mobile..."
Please know your aging care family are thinking of and praying
for you.
So sorry for your loss of your husband.
This was so unexpected, and yes, tragic.
There was no goodbye.
Sad that you and your family must go through this tragedy.