The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Hi Margeaux!! Sorry I missed you. I hope you come back soon.

Introverting is my favorite thing to do. I give so much of myself to customer service and co workers I need the down time when I’m off. I enjoy the camaraderie at work, we are always joking around, but I am a true introvert when it comes to needing to recharge. I’m not what I would call shy.

L had his first injury yesterday that required a visit to urgent care, lol! He fell hurting his knee and was not able to walk. Today he is fine, no broken bones just badly bruised. That’s what happens when you jump off things you shouldn’t have climbed on in the first place.

There is is a new show on Wednesday nights on abc. “A Million Little Things”. It’s about the suicide of one member of a group of friends and how they process it.

Hi everyone,

Golden, I'm sorry your mom still isn't feeling well. Hopefully she will do better with the med adjustments. It just takes some time. I hope you are feeling better too.

Gershun, I totally understand the fear of rejection and being self-critical. All the time I think, "Gosh, I hope what I said came out okay" when I'm talking to people I don't know. I tend to put my foot in my mouth a lot too.

Ali, your workplace sounds fun. Those times when I have worked with a group of people among whom I've had camaraderie it has helped get me out of my introvert shell, especially when the team has a good sense of humor.

SharynM, hope L is doing better, glad he has no broken bones!

Well, mom is back at the ER right now and is probably going back to the geri psych hospital. She was just discharged last Wednesday. Her facility called and said that she was having a meltdown, not wanting to go back to her room to let her nurse give her meds, and was psychotic and saying that people were coming to kill her, just totally freaking out. So they called the ambulance and she was fighting with them while they were trying to get her on the gurney, but are taking her to the hospital. I imagine I will hear from her caseworker there shortly to do the intake.

Again we had her Dr appt scheduled for tomorrow to follow up with her PCP about her insulin since the hospital changed the insulin and dosage this last time. Mom was adamant earlier that she wanted me to come up there this afternoon, and I told her I would see her in the morning when I talked to her earlier, and thought she had calmed down, but then I get the call from staff. Sigh. We'll see what happens. They said it seems like mom's paranoia has been worse since she got out of the hospital on the Zoloft and Seroquel, so the geri psych doctor probably needs to adjust her meds again.

I did attend the funeral the other day. It was awkward, as I didn't know many people there, but I am glad I was able to pay my last respects to my friend. I think I would've felt bad if I hadn't gone.

I think with all that has happened with mom, I just value time at home that is drama-free. Maybe that's part of why I don't get out as much. It seems like endless drama with mom, and I am totally about peace when I can get it.

Frazz, I’m so sorry your mom is having such a hard time. I know it affects you as well. I hope you get some peaceful quiet time.

I hate this disease. I also don't like dysfunction. I especially do not like the broken health care system and the burden it puts on families.

Some days are better than others

Frazzled, I was prescribed Seroquel off label to help me with my insomnia. I had a horrible reaction to it. The night this happened I ended up walking the streets at 4 in the morning trying to shake the feeling off. I've heard lots of bad things about this drug. Maybe you should suggest something else for your Mom.

Yeah, I don't think the Seroquel is working very well. It was helping her sleep more, but as far as helping her paranoia and other symptoms, not so much.

I did finally talk to a social worker there in the ER. They are going to admit her to the hospital and wait for a bed again in the geri psych unit. I was able to find out too what her final diagnosis was from her last geri psych visit. They said she has schizoaffective disorder, histrionic personality disorder and dementia. It does make sense given her behavior and symptoms. She has only been treated for the schizophrenia symptoms and anxiety/depression before this last visit, so maybe they can try other meds this time around.

Frazzled, did they diagnose something that has a standard treatment regimen, for convenience sake? Just seems a bit strange to me, I have not been through this, dementia is so unpredictable. Maybe they are trying to fit her into a diagnosis that is treated by those meds?

Seroquel worked great for my mom the majority of the time. But, ativan mom could not take as it had the completely opposite effect on her. It depends on the person being treated, for sure.

Greetings everyone. I have been off line for a good while. I way behind catching up. Last week I had some issues I wanted to vent about but I was too tired to do so.

Long story short. The house is falling apart and it is all blamed on me in one way or another. I am really pissed off and sad at the dsame time. I went off on my sister again when she demanded I call man back and that he caused a leak that was in the kitchen. I later heard from "aunt Jean that she says I let man come up and didnt watch what he was doing. Jean was there when I told the man to wait that I did not want him to go alone and expecially on mty tweisted floor.

Then I get a text from nephew saying I am clogging up pipes pouring human waste in toilet please stop, thank you. Phew!!! So I did not repsond. I just cant, its hard to communicate with people stuck on stupid. Unless an authority like the president says its not my fault then I am guiln one twisted senseless way or another. I accepted this craziness from my mother, realizing she was mentally ill and did a good job covering it. But its amazing to see this same phenomena in my sister and nephew. Its almost hilarious if I step out and look at it but in reality it is painful and so unjust.

So I am processing this new found light about my family and kind of scared about how long it took me to see this light. I am sad and stress and working on my goal changes mentally and financially to get away from this sickness and toxicity.

So saturday I am waiting for meals on wheels. MY sister is outside with man welding repairs to metal door. I dare not ask her if she is waiting on meals as I did the last weekend and was sharply told "no". I had noticed how she diligently waited for the meals when I came from trip and felt at least she was committed to that but it didnt last. Anyway I was going to meet some friends for "brunch" after the meals were delivered, I was going straight downtown to exchange a coat I bought for GD#3 who is turning 2 11/1, then stopping by for the brunch. I knew better than to ask her anything. I dont even think she knew I was down there.

Now here is the kicker, she bought the meals in. I saw the bags and quickly looked at the count of the trays I saw in one bag. The other bag was filled with the juice milk bread etc... I follow her in kitchen wondering if she is just going to leave them in fridge or put them away properly. She seemed hesitant as she was placeing bags in frige not freezer. I checked my self and went up to get dressed and when I go to put mealsin freezer they were there but not all. My sister had taken the three good ones upstairs. I heard her come up as I was getting dressed and thoughgt the guy was finishe with door and it wouldnt cause a problem to get out.

So the meals that come frozen are acutually really good although they will give a lot of fish sometimes. the one in the white paper like trays are absolutely delicious. And last week when I went to feed my mother I was wonder where these two trays went. Didnt see in garbage and I just assumed my oldest nephew who has street history took them for himself and decided to leave it alone and see what happens this weeek.
Well I got an eyeful. I could have said more to my sister but I just said strongly that the meals were for Ma. I was really befuddled. It was a grand victory over her adamant insistence to stop my mother from getting the service. She would call saying she does not need nor will she ever need. The supervisor came with caseworker because of the calls from my sister and nephew.

Seeing my sister for who and what she is took me a while. I am angry at how I have been played like a violin by my mother and sister for a lifetime. I am also angry about this constant theme in my life. Me longing for my mothers love and my mother putting twisted on a pedestal. she treats her like s8***t and when I tell twisted off for it they both turn on me.

I know I post long and hard sometimes.

I did read a few posts and want to respond without getting things mixed up.

Maurgeax, and Church it was good to see you both back and shinning.

Ali I am happy for you.

Golden, I hope meds workout for your mother. Its awesome that some staff are taking time to call and give you reports.

Frazzled, be strong and take care of your self. I can imagine how hard it is to watch your mother stuggle through this tryout of meds with so many diagnosis.

Its good to see posts about different psych meds. I do remember all the tv ads about certain meds. Sometimes the side effects out weight the reason for taking the med.

I also read post about church. The fiends I had brunch with are very spiritual. The husband was my prayer partner, and he is truly and insturment of God's work. They bothe minster to the elderly and they just got back from a wedding in Wisconsin where he was the best man for a senior whom he and wife cared for and looked after while in NY.

So, I didnt know there would be othere there and I felt uncomfortable at first but then when I sat down and listened to the nice quiet music in background and this old lady Silvia, 82 going on 83 so bright and smart and spiritual. and Cella whom I had met at resturant when we celebrated the husbands birthday. Well I tell you I could feel the presence of God and I got so tearful I had to step away before I started crying. Then we waled S home. Three of us with an elderly woman and a hell I feel was my grandmother or mother and love. It was deep and people would take notice as we walked. S showed us her closets, bathroom,cupboard everyroom!! LoL. Then when we got back, we met Mrs C. she had been hit by a van. Also in her late 80's. My friend came to see her in hospital every day she told the story and it bought tears. So I spent that evening listening to One woman tell how God changed her life. She had 10 children and a 45 grands, ended up in jail because her grandson was selling drugs. They had search warrant broke in the wrong apartment and then found a gun in her house., it was her husbands from way back in the days when men walked with guns (straped) with sometimes very good reason. Well anyway she got out with no record or charges but realizesd she was just passing through and that while she was in there to minister to the young girls. She say it was horrible and made us laught becuase she asked the girls why they didnt wear panties and they told her "grandma we are wearing thongs." (when I was growing up it was the worst feeling to get part of panties stucK)
Any way I did read some post about inroversion, I learned and was uplifted by these two very differrent elderly women. I felt honored and strenghtened to go back and deal with the toxic life I have right now. But in that gathering some things were said that I felt weere specifically meant for me to hear. Just like here on this post.

Welcome to some of the new people to the forum. You are in the right place. This forum is full of loving, wise, understanding people who are going through or been through similar if not the same pain and confusion that may have lead you here. This forum helped me maintain my sanity as I repaired my brokenness. Keep posting somewhere, somehow, someone will help you. :)

Rays of love and peace to all.

Frazzled
seroquel did nothing to help mom and rather than keep it increasing it, the neuro agreed to switch to risperdal
after two years, we are at the point of reducing the dosage to a quarter of the original scrip

Here is an update about my dad who is 93 with Alzheimer's. He has taken a serious change for the worse as he is now bedridden and on morhiphine. This must mean that the end is near.

The doctor has said that my dad only has a matter of days.

The person who has been his caregiver the longest said two months ago that she felt he would die once his long term care insurance ran out. It ended last month.

I'm sorry to hear that, CMag. Are you able to spend time with him? How are you coping?

It is the actuary's art, after all, to get the insurance cover as close as possible to meeting the customer's need, neither hopelessly short nor excessively generous. Some geek somewhere might be feeling quite pleased with himself.

CMag, I'm very sorry to hear about your dad. Prayers for you both.

CM,

Iam not able to spend time with him. I am too far away.

So how are you doing? Is anyone looking after you?

cmag -I am sorry your dad is taken a turn for the worst. I gather you can't easily get there soon. Looks like his caregiver was right. This will be hard on you. Prayers for you and your family.

Dori - glad you won't disappear and the house
warming went well. I have not dealt with your situation but what I have done with mother's expenses that aren't autopay was set up a cc in her banking institution in my name and use it for everything I can. I write a cheque for about $5000 and send it as payment about once a year and that pretty well looks after the year's incidental expenses. It is much more convenient for me to be able to use a cc rather than saving every little receipt and running to the bank for reimbursement. I want to set up some prepaid funeral arrangements too so I don't have to do everything all together at the end.

You have to pay it of the executor fee? That seems wrong to me but it as at it is. I don't believe mother set up an executor fee for me. I will charge all costs back to her estate.

Can you approach your bro or do you have a family member or friend who can? He is experiencing emotions due to your mum's death which makes it more difficult. Let us know how it all works out.

glad - interior paint!!! Aaargh to the goatheads.

madge - ah, the good old times! Thx I am waiting. somewhat apprehensively. for the call that mother is responding to meds. Sounds like your mum is doing OK, if not better, on the lowered dose.I can manage social interactions but look forward to being alone again.

ali -so glad your work situation is good for you. I can get invigorated by being with people too, but then need down time and don't need to be with many people much.

Margeaux!!! so good to hear from you. Sorry your mum is declining. I hope the NH gets on top of mother's emotions soon too, My sinuses are getting better slowly, Hope yours clear up soon and your ankle is better, but the dancing sounds like it was fun. Congrats on getting that job. Hope it works out for you.

going to start another post so I don't lose this

sharyn - boys that climb! My middle son did. Glad L is OK. Hope you get something helpful out of the show on suicide. It is a very hard loss to experience.. I was the same at work - lively and interactive, but needed my down time at home to recover.

fraz -glad you paid your respects to your friend. I am waiting to hear good news re mother. My sinuses are getting better thx, Sorry to hear your mum is back in hospital but I guess it is the best place for her. Your mum has a difficult diagnosis. Is her dementia Alz or Vascular or something else. I sure hope they can find the right combo of meds that works for her. To some degree it depends on the individual. I really think it is the only answer at this stage. Yeah, drama free time and peace are precious.

scared - dementias are dreadful. and that the burden falls on family so much is dreadful too. For those of us from dysfun fams the burden is greater. My PTSD kicks in and I have to give myself space. Hope you have more better days ahead.

duck - I am thankful a staff does contact me. Glad you are seeing the dysfunction more and more as separate from you and are looking at plans to get your own place. I am happy for you that you had a good time with friends at brunch and after, They sound like a lovely couple.

cmag -keep us updated about your dad.

Thinking about October 40 years ago when I was showing signs of going into labour with my youngest son. It was warm, sunny, with golden leaves on the trees. Today here it is cold, hovering around freezing, a bit more snow last night and not looking like it is going to warm up. much. I don't like it. Grateful for a warm house, that I can order groceries and can afford the help I need.

Take care, all. Be good to you.

Well, I placed the information about my dad's decline on Facebook so that my cousins would be updated. Low and behold, my step-sister, his POA and the coordinator of his caregivers for the past 4 years goes ballistic on me about posting this so soon and not protecting his privacy and goes on about the limited contact I have had with him. Frankly, I have gotten up there as much as I could and he has not known who I or anyone including himself is. I think I know what is going on. That is her problem, not mine.

Sorry to hear that, cmag. IMO, she has no business going ballistic on you. Yes, it is her problem.

Thanks golden. I did not dignify her comment was her reply to what she posted that blasting on my Facebook page.

My, my that sentence of mine was barely coherent!

Magnum, I don't understand when siblings go on about trivial things when what is really important is your Father is passing and nothing else really should matter I M O.

I remember when my Mom passed and I phoned everyone to see if they wanted to go to the hospital and pay their last respects. Only my younger brother came with me and while we were at the hospital one of my sisters who couldn't be bothered to come phoned me on my cell to complain about something my other sister had said. Ah, couldn't that have waited?

It always amazes me how petty people become during moments of crisis.

Magnum, stay strong!

Cmag, sorry to hear sad news about your father. Even sadder about the step sisters response to your post. You had every right its your father. Take care of your self. Be strong. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Gershun,

The only thing that I think is that she's venting a lot of frustration that she has been his POA and the coordinator of his 24/7 caregivers while I and my wife, both on disability, live 10 hours away with limited liquid means although she sits on a pile of money and goes on cruises when she and her husband want to. The way she wrote today on facebook reminded me of how her mother used to talk to me and what my step-sister apologized for after her mother's death. Her mother had no use for me just like my mother had no use for her husband's children from a previous marriage.

Like you say, the main thing is that my dad is dying and we must get ready for that.

She wanted the names of my dad's living and dead siblings. He only had 7, but I only knew 6. My dad wrote up his own obituary and wrongly stated that he had 9 siblings. I have his family tree records and so could give her their whole names. I even looked up the obituary of one of my uncles and there were only 7 siblings listed. She does not believe me. So, she is going to talk with his only living sibling who is 11 years younger than him.

Anyhow, I need to listen to my favorite music on Spotify via my smartphone for my tachycardia has been acting up today.

Gershun, your words are so true. Its sad. It seems to become a competition and a power trip.

Golden, my thoughts and heart is with you go through these sad and happy memories. I am at loss for words. Stay warm, take care of yourself and your heart.

Rays of love, light and peace to all especially the heavy hearted.

gershun - absolutely -some people go off the rails.

cmag - keep focussed on your dad. Your step sister is out of line. She accepted the job of POA.

duck - thx take care of you too.

I have to rejoice. I had a great 8 hrs sleep last night. This is very rare and makes for a much better day ahead than only 5 hours! My head hurts much less from the sinus infection, and I may venture out today. I need some fresh fruit and veg. and other items. Wish it was warmer, but at least we did not get inches of snow as places south did. Yay!!! Take care all.

Great, Golden! Sometime I get seven hours, and it feels wonderful!

Start of those maple floors, love them!

CMagnum,

I am very sorry about the change your father's health has taken.
That is terrible that your step sister is behaving this way, especially at a time like this! Well do take care of yourself and your wife. I will keep you and yours in my thoughts.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux