notrydoyoda Posted January 2012
The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?
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Hope I didn't miss anyone who greeted me. Thanks so much for the greetings, it's 6:48 a.m., just made a quick pitstop to say good morning to everyone, before I head out to work, of all things as a provider. HAAH!! I'm in week #3 right now, so really getting to know the woman I work for. I'll write about that later, for sure.
So glad to hear that some of you got some good hours of sleep also, I think it was Glad & Golden. Recently, I've had to bypass my much loved coffee! Now that I need to get used to a morning schedule, job starts at 8:00 a.m., I'm in dire need of quality sleep.
O.K., it feels good to come back here.
Have a great day,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
Then again, I wouldn't have taken anyone to task about it on Facebook, either. It's like yelling in public.
Facebook, let's face it, can be a flaming menace. I also have to admit that I closed my account more than two years ago, maybe I'd feel different with the new security protocols they have now.
Turning to Christmas (yikes)... am I right about this?
"Guests are like fish - they stink after three days."
Well, now. Daughter 2's future MIL, recently and tragically widowed, is on the point of selling her house and will be in her other house (not as grand as that sounds, just nice family home) in France for Christmas. FMIL is French, not that it matters, only to explain.
Naturally she would like both her sons to join her in support. And naturally the sons would like their partners with them, too. So, very sweetly, because they're not yet married and D2 wants to be with me for her last Christmas as a single gal, FMIL has invited me to join them.
It is extremely nice of her and I hugely appreciate the kind thought.
Having said that...
Because Christmas is on a Tuesday and transport in this country is stupid, there would be no way of making the stay less than five nights long. And that is too long, isn't it. This isn't me being a hermit or miserable or standoffish - you can't spend five nights over Christmas with a hostess you don't know well (I've met her twice) and expect it not to go horribly wrong.
It'd be an appealing idea, but over Christmas? It's just the worst time you could pick to be travelling, certainly not something I'd do on purpose.
Some of my cousins are still upset with me that they learned of the loss of the family matriarch on social media.
If one wants to notify family of an impending loss, or of a loss, doing it via email or text is much more considerate.
Putting that kind of stuff on social media, imho, is an invitation to identity theft and burglers.
Sorry you got blamed but you had no control over what they did with the information.
I have only family and very well selected friends on my otherwise private FB page. I've shared about how my visits with my dad went in the past without any negative feedback. No one from my mom's side of the family complained when I announced her death. Cousins, who were the children, of an aunt and uncle who have died over the past few years kept the rest of the 50 of us updated about their parents and told us when they died.
Beyond family and friends, no one even knows my dad's name or where he lives which was also true of my mother.
I'm sorry that my comments have brought up some painful memories.
Maybe, we should just put my situation to bed and let it sleep for a very long time.
I am sorry your father has taken a turn. I hope you are managing well.
Nope, I'm not managing well. I'm fogetting my pills at times of the day to take them. I don't forget to feed the cats, but I have forgotten to feed the dog, and I'm not eating right at all.
Well I have taken my supper time meds 6 hours late and on an empty stomach which is not right.
My goal for tomorrow is to unpack the garage of all the porch and deck plus yard stuff so that I can mow the back yard with the repaired lawn mower that I have to drive through the garage to get to the back yard. My wife will call the heart doctor's office to find out what they promised to inform her about today so that the surgery on her left knee can go ahead and get scheduled after which she will need my care for 6-8 weeks at home.
CMag? Is this the right time for you to be DW's primary caregiver for 6-8 weeks? Promise me you will hire in help, at the very least - look on that as your oxygen mask. I'm assuming you won't want to suggest postponing the knee surgery until there's clarity with your Dad, correct?
DW and I talked about this last night. Our idea is to ask her sister to help or get help from our church, lastly hire someone.
The thing is.
All things being equal - MIL out of the picture, time having passed, all being well with you, and the knee surgery going ahead as a planned elective procedure - then it would make sense to keep everything informal and homely and allow family-and-friends to chip in.
But right now things are not equal: you have hit a patch of turbulence and the stress is already showing.
So wouldn't it be better to make a conscious decision and put some formal support in place? If you know that you have an aide coming in once a day, say, to assist with washing and dressing; and maybe a PT to assist with mobilisation; then that will be a defined daily structure that you and DW can lean on, without having to make extra phone calls or figure out timings. And if you find you don't need it after all, you can always cancel.
Thanks!
Woke up early this morning thinking it would be good to call up there talk with my dad and tell him I love him. Then I get a text from step-sister and one of the caregivers that Hospice thinks it is almost time and that he is holding on just to hear from me and for me to tell him it is alright to place his life in God's hands.
I called him, thanked him for a list of things that he had done, had a prayer with him and told him it was ok to place his life in God's hands.
Then step-sister gets on the phone to explain her reaction to me posting on Facebook because she didn't think he would like it. Well, her mother would not have liked it because she was a very private person, but I think she has mixed that from 4 years ago of her mother dying with my dad dying right now. I also think that this was as close to an apology as she could come. My wife was not impressed for I like everyone else in the ____ family need support right now.
I'll probably end up calling her sister for help even if he dies soon and we have the memorial services soon. She's having to be pushed around with a transport chair if there is much distance to walk with her cain in so much pain. We will see.
My cousin who is the son of dad's only living sibling pm 'ed me on Facebook asking how dad was doing. I told him and asked if this update would be ok to share on FB since a certain person did not like it and she's not connected to me anymore. He said to share for everyone is waiting to hear. So, minus my step-sister, I have posted the news on FB. Patrick said if she got mad that she could blame him. :) Well, she is no longer around on my Facebook page to get mad.
I think now that it is likely a matter of hours.
I've had my morning meds and fed the dog today.
I feel better, but my step-sister is still a toxic soul.
I agree with CM about getting an aide set up to help after your wife's surgery. It will help with a routine, and like she said, you can always cancel if you don't need it; but I'm thinking it will be good to have the extra help set up because you and your wife will both be tired.
I spoke with the nurse there this morning who said mom was a little calmer but still agitated and has a hard time sitting still and has been rocking back and forth (she normally does have some trouble, but lately has been worse than normal). Wanted to know if mom has ever been diagnosed with OCD, and I said not to my knowledge but I told her what the other geri psych hospital diagnosed her with, and they've assured me that the doctor will have her medical records from the previous geri psych visit since the facilities are owned by the same people.
I will learn more probably within the next few days once she is evaluated by the doctor there. I'm hoping they can get her stabilized on some meds that help her.
Many kind thoughts for you at this difficult time.
When self-care becomes challenged because our time, thoughts, and heart are elsewhere, even the most simple things like reminders to take meds become necessary.
1) The senior center calls people with reminders.
2). The church can ask a person to call for reminders to you.
Since this will be temporarily needed, there should be no embarrassment that one needs help after being the strong person and helping others for so long.
There was a time in my life that when a friend called to remind me, she stayed on the line until I actually took the meds because I was so distracted. That was thankfully, very temporary.
Once you take the meds on schedule again, other pressing matters will become easier. It is never easy to lose a parent though. My sympathies. So glad you were able to speak with him.
My cousin has already updated the priest about my dad. I am keeping his Godchild updated directly. She has plenty of brothers but she has chosen to adopt me as her brother.
I have run out of things to say to my dad which dad's Godchild said was her experience with both of her parents.
I have 50 some cousins on dad's side of the family. Now with families of their own, we are like a small army. I used to tell those who teased me about my last name to chill because I had 50 cousins who could easily deal with them. Only recently did I tell some of them that they were my protection while growing up.
fraz - the path through diagnosis to treatment can be tortuous. Hope they find something that helps soon. I know it is hard waiting,
cmag - some good suggestions here. No doubt you need some help with your wife after surgery. I think your face book settings and usage were appropriate Glad you have support from cousins.
More snow here and it is staying for now. Warner temps next week should melt it. We were well below seasonal averages this past week. Still not completely over this bug but getting there, Feeling loss with my youngest son's birthday this week. He would have been 40. Hard to imagine and hard to believe that he has been gone over 16 years. Thankful I had him for 23 years.
Happy Thanksgiving to all Canadian AC'ers.
You know I was reading a Bible study lesson that I get e-mailed to me periodically and it shone a light on my own foibles. I shouldn't let myself get off scot free when it comes to disputes within the family. I don't ever want to be one of those people who points the finger at others without taking some of the blame. You know what they say about pointing fingers. There are three pointing back at you. So I will at least mind my own p's and q's so as not to hold myself higher than anyone else.